I loved you….I love you….I will love you
In any of those moments, you become what I write about. And hate is such a bitter word, but when you’re in the moment full of past tense love, bitter is all you feel
And cold is all you see
You start to crave the warmth of present tense love, so you fall into a naive sense of security.
Diving two years deep into emotion.
Burying the bitter, cold hate with future tense love.
Playing a game of Ethos Logos Pathos with yourself.
False credibility
Lost logic
And manipulative emotion
Three appeals, one ending :
Heartbreak.
No Love
And if love exists anymore, I don’t think it wants me.
More so, I don’t think it ever did.
And I should have known that day
In the closet
Miles away from my home and father
When I sat alone and no one heard me crying and shaking
And again when I turned 11 and I couldn’t feel my lungs anymore
From screaming silently into my pillow everyday for hours
And again at 16 when I realized my life was already in pieces before I had a chance to ruin it myself
And again at 18, when my heart broke over a guy for the first time.
And right now. At 1:26 AM
When I realize all over again that love doesn’t want me
That he doesn’t
Not really
And he never will
And I’ll be foolish to ever believe otherwise
You.
And you can say all the words you want in those moments.
“I never want to see you again”
“I hate you”
“Don’t talk to me”
But those words mean nothing. Because when it’s 2:17 am, you’ll still want them.
That person.
The one who makes you feel like everything will be alright, even when they’re the reason it all went wrong.
Sometimes those words don’t trump all the love you still feel.
And you just want to hear their voice. Feel their touch. The warmth their words bring to your soul.
Sometimes, all the bad in that person will never outweigh the good they make you feel from the bedtime phone conversation
Even if they stop calling every night, you’ll still crave it.
You’ll crave them
When He Falls For Me
Loving her shouldn’t feel like a chore. Loving her should be everything you never wanted
Loving her is holding her hand over the little things
Lover her is accepting her flaws and loving her through them
Even when they might hurt you
Loving her is calling her beautiful at a red light and then touching her face to reassure her that you see her. And that you love her for it
Loving her
It’s the storm. The one in her eyes at 3 am because something in her mind went wrong
Its the middle. Beginning. And end of everything she knows and feels about herself
Loving her is loving the moments when she hates you for no reason. And you show up anyways
Loving her is making her worth it. Every last ounce of energy. Every last word. And every last breath.
And loving her is making sure she knows all this
Because you taught her
And she feels it
And it’s the reason for the smile on her face when she wakes up every morning.
“Running Away” From my Problems
It may not seem all too important to most people, but this track is where I always go to almost literally “run away from my problems”. Or some might say, but I would like to say its called running through my problems. It’s never like people think, where I just run for the fun of it all. While running and staying fit is very important to me, it’s also my self therapy more than anything. Some might eat their feelings away, or spend hours on the phone talking to their best friend or even find other ways out of their situations and/or pain, but I take life one lap at a time.
Thinking of ways to improve my situation or taking time to clear my head, I start to realize that the track is so much more than black tar beneath my feet. It’s the fields sprinkling system that seems to stretch all the way over to my shoes when I run by. It’s the rusty old fence that lies beyond the bleachers, and even further behind that, the baseball field I use to play on when I was little. It’s the sun going down and the cool breeze that sweeps across my back. I can’t count the number of times on Sunday nights when I show up to find a small soccer game being played in the field!
The one thing I will never forget though is how many times I have achieved things I never thought possible here. Pushing my limits and becoming a better person. My point here is, I don’t know if it’s ONLY the running that makes this place so special to me, but instead, the place that makes the running so special. I can run anywhere I want to, but this place seems to be more of my drug for my life problems than anything else. It’s my place.
Gabrielle Longshore ❤
Dont be a Copy-Paste
Everyone has their own stories, but sometimes you meet those people who tattoo copy-paste versions of themselves into the soul of your life. They create memories that until long after they leave and move onto the next person, you believe them to be significant and personal to you and your story. Don’t let them ruin the happiness of every experience though. Its your story at the end of the day. Not theirs. Own It. Own the shit out of your life!
At the end of the day, these people who hurt you so bad only do the things they do because that’s all they have to them. They only have a small amount of respectable traits to share with the people they “care most” about. You are more than that though. Own your memories and what you make out of it. Not what they make out of it. All at the same time though, hold yourself to a higher standard than that, because you’re so much more than just a copy-paste. They are so much more too, and sometimes, life just throws them into a crowd of constant poor judgement. At the end of the day though, a person can only do so much before it starts negatively affecting you and your life when it shouldn’t be.
So find your little piece of happiness in everything and make sure it’s not a stagnant happy place, because life is constantly changing, and if you can leave your happy place behind, you might just forget the entire reason you found it to begin with. It shouldn’t be a place, it should be part of you. It should be the reason you wake up in the morning and the reason you work hard all day to become a better you than you were the day before. Never make it something someone else can take away. Your happy place, is 100% for you. Lets keep it that way 🙂
Gabrielle ❤
There’s a Time and a Place
There’s a time and a place.
But I am somewhere in between the two. Never really fitting where I am, but stuck at the acknowledgement that things could somehow be different. That they SHOULD somehow be different.
I didn’t think my mid to late 20s would look like the absolute crazy show it has, yet I digress. There’s really no argument to be had. Life will be the way it is.
I will be turning 28 this year and while I know I still have plenty of time, I do find it important to talk about the vast changes that take place in such small intervals of time. It feels like just yesterday I was 16 and everyone told me I had plenty of time to figure out where I was going and what I was doing. This has been true but oh so wrong. I promise I blinked once and I was turning 21…then 25…now 28 and soon to be 30.
During all of these intervals and milestones – the moments between even- there have been so many accomplishments and even more failures. That’s lesson one I learned. Life is more about losing and learning what to do with that loss rather than about winning and doing everything the way it was always assumed it should/would be completed. I think this concept was scary for me when I was younger and probably is for most people. I also believe it’s more normal than people would like to admit. The old days have passed. You know- the ones our grandparents talked about with the nuclear family and traditional dynamics that came with it. Married by early 20s and kids by mid 20s is looking more like married by early 30s and kids shortly thereafter. And this is okay! It is also okay if your life sounds nothing like either of these options. The more we continue to normalize individual lifestyles, the more we can have honest conversations about the bigger and probably more scary topics of life. I wish someone had been so honest to tell me that while I had “plenty of time”, I would also continue to have less and less. And that it’s important to understand this idea of vast changes in small intervals of time.
All of this just to say that I am turning 30 in the next couple of years, and while I may not be where I feel I should be (or at least 16 year old me thought I would be), I can also look back and say I am not in the places I feared the most either. I am definitely somewhere in between, but maybe that’s good because I still have so much to learn and so many experiences. I hope to be someone in this life who normalizes individual lifestyles and can reassure you all that it’s truly going to be okay. I promise. 🙂
Positive vibes. ❤
BLM- Strong Post Alert
In light of recent events, I wanted to write a post. One with meaning and one with such savage education to back it up that no one could argue. I wanted something that could bring everyone to the same realizations I have had the past couple weeks. I wanted a writing so straight forward that there would be no questioning, no further wandering, no persecution for beliefs and definitely no retaliation. The thing about this, though, is that as far as I can educate myself, so can others. As far as I can believe that I have so much to learn and so many things I CAN’T learn…others can realize this as well! They have to want to know this though. They have to want this education. They have to want to know about their white privilege and learn about other cultures. They have to want to wrap their minds around both recent happenings and ones in the past. They have to want to see the pattern that authority has continually presented. A pattern of racism and inequality. A pattern that is so normalized that depending on where you live and what you see daily, you may not even believe exists. I will not under any circumstances say that it’s “totally fine” if you don’t see it happening and therefor stay quiet. (Though there is a time, place and different ways to contribute to this entire situation) You have fingers to type, a voice to speak, you have resources to educate yourself furthermore than you may have the prior day. I will say, however, that it is tragic. Not even for other cultures, other ethnicities, and other races, but for yourself. It’s tragic that you don’t choose to educate yourself.
I do also, in some aspects, see how there are extremists on both sides of this matter. I, personally, do not agree with violence for violence. However, I do not have a right to tell another human being to not be angry. To not feel for those of their own. It is not my right and it never will be. So I want to say I have the utmost respect for the feelings and the raw emotions that come with this matter. I am not naive enough to think I have enough knowledge and life experience to hardly BEGIN understanding the years and years of oppression. Of Racism. Of cultural discrimination. And I apologize for not even taking the time until recently to understand.
This is all I have to say on this matter for now, as I am still trying to build my own education on this matter.
Until next time,
Positive Vibes. ❤
It Is Well With My Soul
It’s messy. It’s so messy how some sounds echo in your mind sometimes. For me it’s always been chirping birds, the new morning light, watching the day reset itself. It reminds me of times and moments that I can barely remember. Moments so vague in my mind that I can only know the feelings that come with them. There are no faces, or places. No sounds or words. Maybe its the feeling of starting over that makes my gut drop. Maybe it’s knowing the unknown and the process that comes with that.
There are, however, things that are so well with my soul. Like open fields, random 2am text messages, words, writings, objects that still have spirit in the dust that’s settled around it. Its the dirt beneath my shoes when I go hiking. And god forbid the leaves on the trees and the way they constantly change. The layers of green. The sun bathing on my skin. Drowsy mornings when everything is silent and nothing has come into existence yet. These things are well with my soul. These things make me fall in love over and over and over again.
Focus on the things that are well with your soul 🙂
Positive Vibes ❤
Pain
A lot of times we think that if we are in pain then something HAS to be wrong. I am also guilty of this, but pain isn’t always wrong. Are there very important lines to this? YES! If you ever feel hopeless then definitely reach out to someone. I, however, will be the last one to ever say that pain is bad. I am guilty of those tear-drowning nights. The ones where your pillow is our best friend and you feel like nothing. It’s pain. I have good news though! Emotional pain is actually a very great sign of growth. I know sometimes it can feel like there will never be an end. It can feel like things will never get better, but try to think of it like this: All great things must outgrow themselves. Even as kids we have growing pains, teeth fall out for new ones to grow in, our hair needs cut to be healthy and bright, we shave our faces or legs in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. To stay groomed and up to date. While all of these might not apply to everyone, I think we all get the point here 🙂 growth can be painful, but in the end we always get exactly what we need. So embrace it. Find the good in the pain and learn from the bad. Start somewhere easy and work your way up to where you need to be. It’s scary at first. I know, but try and really get a grasp on your emotions and figure them out. Quit thinking about anyone/anything else. Even if you ever wanted to figure out someone/something else, you’d have to understand yourself first.
That’s it for my late night thoughts!
Positive vibes ❤
Options (Long Post Alert)
Simplicity. We open our eyes everyday and exist with two options. Live or die. Right? Right. We wake up, roll out of bed, drink coffee ( or don’t ) and continue existing within these two simple modern ideas. But what if I told you there is a third option. What if I told you that within the option of “living” there was an entirely different world in which most of probably don’t exist in daily or even know exists at all. See, existing and living are two very different forms of life. Waking up and deciding to simply self-place within your current boundaries is not the same as living.
We, as humans, have set up these subconscious boundaries to protect ourselves from possible x-y-z-outcomes. This is actually how basic developmental boundaries begin and snowball into much larger crowds of cultural comparisons. This includes intermediate comparisons within our own cultures. I mean take for example women’s rights. I, myself, am I woman yet I can tell you right now that if I ask five different women what they believe women’s rights entails they would all be very different. Yet how do we come to the place we have in our culture and current environment for how we see and react to all million different possible definitions. Who creates these boundaries and why?
Rene Descartes said it correctly when he said “Cogito, ergo som” (I think, therefor I am ). We draw ourselves in these little boxes everyday and decide who we are based on that. We think or feel a certain way, therefore we are? It’s true though. You feel sad, therefore you are sad. You feel mad, therefor you are mad. You feel useless, therefore you are useless…? You feel worthless, therefor you are worthless…? But wait that doesn’t sound right. Who would even say that? See that line that suddenly appeared? Yeah. Apply that to the other ones as well. Take yourself out of the feelings and start experiencing them from a third person point of view and then process it in a healthy way.
Your mental health and how you see yourself in regards to your own feelings actually DOES affect who you are every day. It affects who you become when you wake up the next morning. You are sad, therefor you are strong enough to wake up and go to work. You are mad, therefor you are strong enough to go for that run instead. You feel useless, therefor you find a new hobby or find a new way to build yourself. You feel worthless, therefor you’re bold enough to put your energy towards new things. New things that show you how vital you truly are to this world. The energy you bring. Take yourself out of your box so you can find a different word or phrase to describe yourself OUTSIDE of what you feel. Watch an entirely different world of options and opportunities open up for yourself. Trust me.
Positive Energy ❤
Explanations
Everything we touch started somewhere. Yes I know. How basic of myself to start a post out like this. I understand that the statement is common knowledge. But throughout a lot of my current posts, I use a lot of nature pictures to start my blog posts and solidify my thoughts. I use nature to help connect with my audiences (whoever you may be reading this right now). The reason for this, though, is because I know that we all have connections to nature. Whether you enjoy sitting in the sun and just bathing in the rays until you feel a light burn or you enjoy the sound of waves pushing each other back and forth when you sit by a lake. Maybe you even just enjoy a cup of coffee as the sun comes up and you can hear the birds chirping outside.
My posts aren’t meant to go in one ear and out the other, they are meant for people to feel and connect with. I mean that in the same way as when you lay down in grass and you can smell the flowers a foot away from you even with your eyes closed. I mean that in the same way as the dirt on the bottom of your car floor that lets you know you’ve been somewhere recently. Somewhere messy, yet organized enough that you know you gained something from just existing in whatever that moment was. We build ourselves over and over.
Life is messy. Go walk in a park after it has rained for 15 minutes. Theres mud everywhere. There’s bugs and animals trying to adjust to whatever damage or changes that can come from even 15 minutes of a downpour. But nature exists purely on its own. No questions asked. No underlining factors. no explanations needed. And when is the last time you took that time for yourself? When is the last time you just existed. No filters. No questions. Try it. That is the reason most of my pictures will be nature oriented. That is the reason I hope others can connect with my posts. Just keep your eyes open for the possibility even 🙂
Perspective is Everything
These two photos are at the same exact place, but two different views. Both are beautiful in two completely separate ways. I feel as though a lot of times in life we find it easy to compare and while this can be a very good thing, it can also be the exact idea that destroys us inside.
Some people may say that one picture looks more stormy than the other. One may be more cluttered. One may contain more depth. But again, both pictures are at the same place and both can tell a VERY different story.
I think often times more than less we set our selves up for what we want to see in front of us. We may want to grieve over a thought or a feeling we have to let go. One that makes us feel stormy. Or we may want to clutter our minds with the views in front of us. With Experience. With Knowledge. Opportunity.
Moral of my post, perspective is everything. If we want to see change. If we want to see openness or knowledge, we have to set ourselves up for that. We can’t continually keep looking in the wrong places if we want to see the RIGHT things. Change your perspectives. If you want different outcomes then place your energy in new places. In new opportunities. Change your point of view. Change the direction you point your camera in life and don’t stop.
You may find a perspective that feels comfortable. Maybe that could be perfect for you, but make sure you are continually building. Make sure you change the perspective every one in a while. You WILL see growth. You will see opportunity and MAYBE you will even find the very thing you’ve been looking for.
These are just my 5am thoughts as I climb into bed. More to come ❤
Last Summer
And what if touching you is intoxicating.
The kind of intoxicating that starts at the bottom of the glass and works it’s way to the top.
Chilled and sharp around the edges.
And setting you down is anything but easy. Because your taste is still in my mouth-down the back of my throat and into my chest.
~7/22/19
It is in the least for me to say a lot has changed since the last time I have posted here on this blog. That being said there may be a few updates. First update: I have a dog now. Her name is Amelia Rose and I love her to death. She is a year and a half old and I wouldn’t replace her for anything in this world. I am now single and happily single at that 🙂 Time to see where blogging takes me again! Positive Vibes ❤
A Rock
Maybe love was never actually a positive term
Maybe more of an idea
Maybe love is the term people used at one time to explain the unexplainable
The things we did or saw regardless of other things around us
Maybe one day a long time ago, someone found a rock for the first time and called that love as well
And then one day someone got their heart broken
And still kept those feelings for the person
It was unexplainable. It had no limits
And they called it love
And it’s a forever consuming idea that that’s what love is. Because we found names for every other unexplainable word
Except for this thing called love
Life of Love and Bliss- or not 
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