I know it's annoying how I keep blogging about him. You guys must be sick of me going on and on with this. But understand that it isn't that easy to get over someone, especially when I haven't had any kind of closure or means to move on.
It's the end of the month, he is still very much someone that I yearn for. The feelings linger. But I'm feeling much better now. Keeping the crazy to a minimum.
Haven't seen him since Monday. Didn't see him at the gym on Wednesday or today. Wonder if he went on Thursday or Friday instead. I miss him. Even if he doesn't look at me or feel anything for me, at least seeing him makes me feel better. Or worse. It depends. But not seeing him at all is surely worst.
His eyes. His shaved head. The sound of his breath when he's sprinting. His sweat drenched shirt. That strained look on his face as he lifts that amazingly heavy barbell. His cool, calm demeanor when he just sits there resting between sets. The way we look into each others eyes, albeit briefly. His humility, shyness and reserved personality, which is something you don't expect from someone so macho and good looking. His bulging chest and biceps. His long and surprisingly skinny legs haha. His slightly tanned skin, which implies he's an outdoorsy type. The overall impression that he's in the military or some kind of uniformed body.
So many things remind me of him. Like the movie G.I. Joe. It's stupid I know. By my count, I've dreamed of him 4 times already. That's a record! Not sure how long the fantasy will last, but I secretly hope it won't end even though it's killing me.
XOXO
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Road To Recovery
OK, so reading back the past couple of posts, I think it's safe to say I have reached an unhealthy state. By the end of last night, I felt physically and mentally exhausted, and just cannot believe that I allowed myself to go so over board. Gone too far, my entire soul felt toxic, which is sickening.
It's not even about what Joe thinks of me anymore, it's about me losing myself over someone that doesn't even mean anything to me right now.
Special shout out to Danny, for hearing me out when I needed to talk to someone about this whole thing. And Danny, something you said really stuck to my head: "Is Joe really that important to you?". The answer is NO. I knew it all along, but I just needed to hear it come from someone else, like a wake up call.
I took your advice, and spent the whole day focusing on other things, doing things for myself, having fun, chilling out, spending some quality time on things I enjoy. Immediately felt so much better, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know why I get so worked up about crushes, and become so emotionally attached for no valid reason. It's insane. I can actually keep it together pretty well, it's just when I see him, that all those feelings start rushing back. I can't help that part. When I see him, things just happen.
For now, I just need to consciously remind myself to move forward and not think about him so much. And I'm sorry for the erratic behaviour of late, I haven't exactly been myself.
On the road to recovery..
XOXO
It's not even about what Joe thinks of me anymore, it's about me losing myself over someone that doesn't even mean anything to me right now.
Special shout out to Danny, for hearing me out when I needed to talk to someone about this whole thing. And Danny, something you said really stuck to my head: "Is Joe really that important to you?". The answer is NO. I knew it all along, but I just needed to hear it come from someone else, like a wake up call.
I took your advice, and spent the whole day focusing on other things, doing things for myself, having fun, chilling out, spending some quality time on things I enjoy. Immediately felt so much better, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know why I get so worked up about crushes, and become so emotionally attached for no valid reason. It's insane. I can actually keep it together pretty well, it's just when I see him, that all those feelings start rushing back. I can't help that part. When I see him, things just happen.
For now, I just need to consciously remind myself to move forward and not think about him so much. And I'm sorry for the erratic behaviour of late, I haven't exactly been myself.
On the road to recovery..
XOXO
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Joe Journal 4
23rd March, 2013 - A day worth documenting!
So it's still probably a one sided thing, but today I feel more calm and cool about it.
I think today I had the most contact / exposure to him than all the previous encounters combined. The moment I walked into the gym, there he was, doing some sort of stretching. It was like he was welcoming me hahaha. I was praying I would run into him again, and fate granted my wish!
As soon as I got back out from the locker room, he was doing all kinds of stretching exercises on his legs with some belt thing, and a roller, and mat. He's like a workout pro! I proceeded to the treadmill and I chose one where I had a good vantage point haha. Every now and then I would turn to admire his awesomeness, and a couple of times he caught me doing it, so I guess he notices me as well?
After that I went to the weight machines, and I was looking for him, then all of a sudden he just walked past right in front of me! In my head it was going slo-mo and I was eyeing him up and down hahaha. The chest is just like amazingly huge in that tight grey shirt!!! Like he could have chosen a different path, but no, he walked by me. He grabbed a mat and did some kind of workout just behind me, and was like 3 metres away.
Then he went to do some rope skipping. I was surprised because he normally does the barbell and weights only, today the gym was much more quiet, so maybe he decided to focus on cardio? There's nothing sexier than seeing a really muscular guy doing something not so macho like rope skipping haha. I could hear every skip as the rope hit the ground, and it just made my heart skip by its beat. And it wasn't just normal skip rope okay, he was like lifting his legs up to like a 90 degree position kind of thing, like I said he's a workout pro!! <3 br="">
OK I'm realizing how crazy I'm sounding, but what the heck, I'll continue documenting this day.
Then I proceeded to the bicep machine, which was situated right next to, and facing the 100m running track. Then out of no where, he just comes sprinting by, I had no idea he was even going to run on the track!! Like I had a front row view of him running back and forth okay!!! And because I was near the end of the track, every time when he reached the end and would turn around, I guess he could see me, and I was just sitting there admiring him, and we were so close physically, I could actually hear him breathing and panting! And to see him work out a sweat and drench that grey shirt, is like so fucking sexy.................. Nuff said.
Then he disappeared into the locker room, I was just walking around like a frantic duck. Then he came out and was walking towards the water dispenser to fill up his protein shake, and we had a brief eye contact moment. And I was almost certain that he gave a rye smile when he saw me, but I panicked as soon as I saw him looking at me and turned away LOL......
When he was done with his drink, he went back to the locker room, I knew he was preparing to leave already. So being the crazy stalker that I am, I walked into the locker room, and we had another eye contact moment loh. I think he should know I like him..... he would have to be an idiot not to notice. So it was like the whole day today we were playing cat and mouse, sort of teasing each other.... At least that's what I felt. Again, it could all just be in my head, and most likely is.... but I've decided that I'm just gonna enjoy these little moments and enjoy his presence. Even if it's not meant to be, at least I would have had a good time ogling and fantasizing about Joe.
OK, I'm officially nuts. Don't worry, I'm keeping it in check.
I won't go do anything stupid. Promise.
Right now I'm just happy to have seen him.
XOXO
So it's still probably a one sided thing, but today I feel more calm and cool about it.
I think today I had the most contact / exposure to him than all the previous encounters combined. The moment I walked into the gym, there he was, doing some sort of stretching. It was like he was welcoming me hahaha. I was praying I would run into him again, and fate granted my wish!
As soon as I got back out from the locker room, he was doing all kinds of stretching exercises on his legs with some belt thing, and a roller, and mat. He's like a workout pro! I proceeded to the treadmill and I chose one where I had a good vantage point haha. Every now and then I would turn to admire his awesomeness, and a couple of times he caught me doing it, so I guess he notices me as well?
After that I went to the weight machines, and I was looking for him, then all of a sudden he just walked past right in front of me! In my head it was going slo-mo and I was eyeing him up and down hahaha. The chest is just like amazingly huge in that tight grey shirt!!! Like he could have chosen a different path, but no, he walked by me. He grabbed a mat and did some kind of workout just behind me, and was like 3 metres away.
Then he went to do some rope skipping. I was surprised because he normally does the barbell and weights only, today the gym was much more quiet, so maybe he decided to focus on cardio? There's nothing sexier than seeing a really muscular guy doing something not so macho like rope skipping haha. I could hear every skip as the rope hit the ground, and it just made my heart skip by its beat. And it wasn't just normal skip rope okay, he was like lifting his legs up to like a 90 degree position kind of thing, like I said he's a workout pro!! <3 br="">
OK I'm realizing how crazy I'm sounding, but what the heck, I'll continue documenting this day.
Then I proceeded to the bicep machine, which was situated right next to, and facing the 100m running track. Then out of no where, he just comes sprinting by, I had no idea he was even going to run on the track!! Like I had a front row view of him running back and forth okay!!! And because I was near the end of the track, every time when he reached the end and would turn around, I guess he could see me, and I was just sitting there admiring him, and we were so close physically, I could actually hear him breathing and panting! And to see him work out a sweat and drench that grey shirt, is like so fucking sexy.................. Nuff said.
Then he disappeared into the locker room, I was just walking around like a frantic duck. Then he came out and was walking towards the water dispenser to fill up his protein shake, and we had a brief eye contact moment. And I was almost certain that he gave a rye smile when he saw me, but I panicked as soon as I saw him looking at me and turned away LOL......
When he was done with his drink, he went back to the locker room, I knew he was preparing to leave already. So being the crazy stalker that I am, I walked into the locker room, and we had another eye contact moment loh. I think he should know I like him..... he would have to be an idiot not to notice. So it was like the whole day today we were playing cat and mouse, sort of teasing each other.... At least that's what I felt. Again, it could all just be in my head, and most likely is.... but I've decided that I'm just gonna enjoy these little moments and enjoy his presence. Even if it's not meant to be, at least I would have had a good time ogling and fantasizing about Joe.
OK, I'm officially nuts. Don't worry, I'm keeping it in check.
I won't go do anything stupid. Promise.
Right now I'm just happy to have seen him.
XOXO
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Joe Journal 3
Dear Joe,
What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.
Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee).
Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.
If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.
I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?
How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.
I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.
XOXO
What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.
Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee).
Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.
If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.
I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?
How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.
I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.
XOXO
Friday, March 15, 2013
Joe Journal 2 - The End
15th March, 2013 Friday
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Joe Journal 1
11th March, 2013 Monday
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Saturday, March 9, 2013
His name is Joe
OK, so there's this guy..... His name is Joe.
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
Now I just want to lick his balls.
XOXO
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
And So It Was A Phase?
To be honest it's not that unexpected.
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
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