February 28, 2024 by Archon's Den

Christian Privilege Run Amok

The Good Christian™ love and tolerance fairly flows from the following advice-column letter.
Through 40 years of marriage, my mother-in-law regularly wrote my husband critiques of me. She always started with a prayer, then insulted and belittled me to become more like her daughters and daughters-in-law, who pray with her at their church, and have never worked because they ‘put their husbands and children first.’ Hardly judgmental or insulting at all!

The Canadian Armed Forces have issued a change in procedure to their chaplains. Two local Op-Ed letters were published. An ex-mayor said;
It is time for every serious-thinking Canadian to lament the latest directive by the government that military chaplains should no longer engage in ‘prayer’ or use the word ‘God,” but rather engage in ‘reflection.’

Does the Trudeau government know that in a 2019 national survey, 68% of Canadians reported having a religious affiliation? To whom will Prime Minister Trudeau be “reflecting” at the National War Memorial on Remembrance Day, when he bows his head – The Tooth Fairy, Mickey Mouse, or The Easter Bunny?

I will be praying to God for the safety of those in uniform, thanking God for those who gave their lives in wars and disasters, and seeking comfort from my God for the Canada which no longer exists.

Mister Christie, you make good cookies – but truly shitty arguments. Your “God” is not my “God”. 68% may have religious affiliation, but not all of them to your Christian faith. Trudeau was reflecting to his Catholic God on Nov. 11, but those around him mentally sought Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, and others. Your reference to cartoon and fairy-tale characters was insulting and disingenuous. As a politician, the very mention of the 68% figure, means that you don’t give a shit about the other 32%. Perhaps that’s why you’re an ex-mayor.

A local doctor of Polish descent insulted the Polish army, and our intelligence, when he said;
Military chaplains have been instructed by the Canadian government to remove words like “God,” and “Heavenly Father” at official events, under the pretext of inclusion, to avoid offending Atheists.

This shows that our Liberal government would rather offend God, pierce His heart with a dagger and remove His providential armor, as described in the book of Isaiah. The Catholic Church urged Poles to beg for God’s protection from the Russian Communist Bolsheviks.

At the Battle of Warsaw in 1920, called the miracle over Wisla River, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared, and the Bolsheviks fled in fear. Christ’s directive to us is simple. “Give unto Caesar what is Caesars, and unto God what is God’s.”

The ‘Miracle at Wisla River’ was that the tiny Polish army repulsed the far larger Russian force. They did it with dedication, grit, and home court advantage. The official historical accounts make no mention of the appearance of the Virgin Mary. The Poles won the day with patriotism, force of arms, better training and shorter supply lines – not with delusion and hallucinations.

The good doctor has both his dictionary and his prayer book in a knot. The word ‘pretext’ means something that is put forward to conceal a true purpose or object. There is no pretext that this was done for inclusion, and to prevent giving offence. Neither the Prime Minister’s office, nor the Armed Forces, issued any statement naming Atheists. Those not offended now include Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Shintoists, and others.

It is disturbing, but ironically amusing , that he offers the ‘give unto Caesar’ quote to justify his whine, when that is exactly what is being done. The Christian God is not being removed from the Canadian Armed Forces, only the insistence of its monopolistic application to groups which include many non-Christians.

Oh, these poor oppressed majority Christians, they have had undue, unwarranted, unlimited, unquestioned privilege for so long, that the mere attempt by another individual or group to achieve some equality, just sends them into a religious tizzy. They practice social martyrism. They try to convince themselves that, the more hard-done-by they are, the more correct their stance, and the closer to salvation. 😮

February 26, 2024 by Archon's Den

The Key(board) To Comedy

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried.
I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

***

A man holds-up a bank. After he has the money, the bank robber lines up the hostages and asks the first one, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “Well, sure I did,” and the bank robber shoots him.”

The bank robber then asks the second man, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “No, no, no. I didn’t see a thing. But my wife here, she sees everything.”

***

A minister begins his sermon. “Dear Lord,” he said with arms extended and a rapturous look in his eyes, “Without you, we are but dust “

He would have continued but at that moment, one little girl who was listening carefully to the minister leaned to her mother and asked loudly, in her shrill little voice,

“Mommy, what is butt dust?”

***

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.

“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only five”

***

A teacher says to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

***

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

February 23, 2024 by Archon's Den

Fibbing Friday Older Than Me

Pensitivity101 says that these are recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator:

1. Jonah wasn’t swallowed by a whale…he was swallowed by an ____. Unceasing, never-ending, monsoon of useless, feel-good, corporate regulations, since Wendy Woke became head of H.R.

2. Who (or what) could make even the fiercest pirate quake in his boots? Not ants in his pant, but termites in his wooden leg.

3. What did Huckleberry Finn have to really paint? He had to paint over the fact that it was really Tom Sawyer, and that it was really whitewash, not paint.

4. What is the best food that can be paired with red wine? Uber Eats.

5. What are you wearing in the sun? Just a smile and a Jantzen. I tried to join the local nudist colony, and just wear the smile, but management said that could cause a heart attack – mine – or someone else’s.

6. Why do dogs chase after cars? I took my dog duck-hunting, but I couldn’t toss him high enough. At least with cars, he thinks he has a chance to catch one.

7. What did the cat say to its kitten about the humans? Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Translation here.

8. Goldfish are not fish. What are they?

Little crackers – until they get soggy. Then they’re real fish food.

9. What would you rather do instead of sleeping? Wanna hear a joke about sleeping? Eight hours. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Jeff Foxworthy says that, when you’re young, and you have a choice between sleep and sex, you choose sex. When you get older, and married, and have kids, you choose sleep, and just hope to have a dream about sex. As an ever-aging senior with a wife whose CPAP machine is devil-possessed, and my own broken sleep cycle, I’d just like to have a dream about sleeping.

10. The Phantom didn’t haunt the Opera House…he haunted the ____ Super Bowl stadium to get a Taylor Swift autograph. Personally, I don’t watch football, so I don’t know who this Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.

February 21, 2024 by Archon's Den

Sadly Amusing

What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard someone say?? The following is a collection of some real gems.

Someone in our group lost a flip-flop in a river. We all watched it float downstream.
Someone else in the group said just to be patient, because eventually it will do a full loop and come back.

I dated a girl who thought that sea-horses were the size of real horses.
She was so disappointed at the aquarium.

I was solving a Rubik’s Cube. Some guy asked me how many sides it had, and could I make them all blue.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) thought that the island of Guam could tip over if too many people got on one side.

I dated a girl who thought that “the hole in the ozone layer” was where the space shuttle came through to land.

A woman at a neo-natal clinic thought that her baby’s soft spot was what he breathed through, like a whale’s blowhole.

My wife has a friend who honestly believes that you should not go out during a full moon, because you will get moonburn.

“What year did this happen?”
We were watching Lord of the Rings!

I had to break the news to a couple of kids that, when you are grown-up, you don’t get summers off. I felt bad, but they deserve to know, I guess. To be fair, they both had mothers who didn’t really have regular jobs, and it didn’t occur to them, because their mothers were home with them all summer.

Years ago, I was watching MTV Street Smarts with a man I had recently met. The question asked on the show was to put these events in chronological order, from oldest to most recent – the civil war, walking on the moon, and the Ice Age. I snorted, and joked about what a ridiculous question it was. He did not seem to be amused, so I asked him, You know this, right? He replied, “I’m not good with dates.”

If you drink a Coke, and then a diet Coke, the calories cancel out.

You have your facts, and I’ll have my facts.
It’s crazy how many grown adults still don’t understand that opinions are not facts, or worse, that opinions can be facts if spoken loud enough.

I had someone in a college history class, seriously and with a straight face, ask who this Hitler guy was, halfway through a WW II unit. We all just stared at her for 5 seconds. Then the professor told her, “Come see me in my office after class. You’ve got some catching up to do.” Bless him. He handled it so well.

I’m allergic to Oxygen.
I asked if they meant Oxycodone, but no, they insisted they were allergic to Oxygen.

Years ago, a guy I worked with said, “Those people in Ireland must not be paying their taxes. The IRS keeps bombing their homes.” That’s not the IRS, you idiot! It’s the IRA! That’s what I meant, the Internal Revenue Association.

I was microwaving some leftover food. I hit the 1 for one minute. My friend asked, “Why did you hit one minute? I usually just put mine in for 60 seconds.” I had to explain that they were the same thing. We were in high school together.
I explained to another friend that 90 seconds was the same as 1:30. They insisted that 1:30 was more, and called me crazy.

A manager at my old job asked me if Alaska was an island near Hawaii. That’s what it looked like on the map. They also asked if they could get an STD from breathing the same air as a person with an STD. And they were in charge…. 🙄

When I worked at Starbucks, it was a common question from customers to explain the difference between a hot drink, and an iced drink.

I don’t have a girlfriend because females are intimidated by my career
He was the Assistant Manager at an Outback Steakhouse.

A guy I worked with told me that he was trying to lose weight by cutting down on pasta.
I haven’t had pasta in three weeks, and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
That’s awesome, but what do you have in your hand there?
Mac and cheese.
I thought you said you haven’t had pasta.
I haven’t. This is mac and cheese.

How long does it take for the meat to grow back on the cow after you shave it off?

There’s no difference between turkey and ham. They both come from birds.
I guess pigs really can fly in their world.
A college friend very seriously asked, If beef comes from cows, and pork comes from pigs, what animal does chicken come from?

I knew someone who thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing. She was 18, and just graduated high school.

“Well, she never got pregnant before.” after his girlfriend got pregnant, and I asked him why he didn’t use protection.

While I was at an orientation for a Masters Program at Yale, I mentioned that I was from New Mexico. Another person who had got into Yale for a graduate program asked me what the immigration process had been like. I like to tell this story to anyone who acts as if an Ivy League education is somehow a mark of intelligence.

…. Chicken parm isn’t vegan??

These fireworks got wet. I’m gonna dry them off in the microwave.

My daughter just tried to tell me that plutonium doesn’t come from Pluto. Oh well, it’s good she’s cute.

The wife’s older brother argued with her Grade 9 Science textbook, where it said that white is the combination of all colors, and black is the absence of color, because everybody knows that white is no color, and black is all the colors mixed together.

😮

February 19, 2024 by Archon's Den

’23 A To Z Challenge – X

Once upon a time, there was an adorable little social media company which called itself ‘Twitter,’ named after the melodious sound of songbirds. It was a place where you could discuss important, socially-significant topics – as long as you didn’t exceed 140 keystrokes. Its symbol was even a cute little blue songbird, and everything made sense.

Then, one day, a ogre from an alternate reality emerged from under a bridge. He blasted Billy-goat Gruff off into space, driving a Tesla car, but making great mileage. He shouted, “Fee, Fie, Fo, Fum! I smell the blood of a corporate takeover.” He bought little Twitter with his petty cash fund. In a counterintuitive dick-measuring decision to prove that shorter was better, he renamed the hapless poor Twitter

X

Even those media users least firmly attached to reality, had no idea what the Hell it all meant. Nothing made sense anymore, and the ogre lived happily ever after, on a diet of di-lithium crystals and quantum fluctuations.

February 16, 2024 by Archon's Den

Boring Fibbing Friday

Bored with your job title? Here are some really creative ones Pensitivity101 thought she’d share.
What do you think these are?

BD Ninja – is Luthor Lothario in Accounts receivable. He’s got a wife and a mistress, but he’s also had sex with 12 other women in the last year. There’s an office pool about when he’s going to die, and who, or what, is going to cause it. Exhaustion is a strong candidate, right after ‘Angry Husband’
Head of Schmoozing – Was the Baptist preacher who was the biggest reason that I stopped going to church. After a 30-minute, hellfire and brimstone sermon, he would race to the front door to glad-hand every parishioner trying to exit. People just wanted to go for lunch. Hell, people just wanted to go to the loo, and he was stuck in the doorway like a corpulent cork.
Ambassador of Buzz – Would be Snoop Dog. A comedian talked about being on the same bill, and being invited into Snoop’s STAR dressing room after the show. He said that there were six guys in the room, but seven blunts being passed around.
Colon Lover – My proctologist. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had, but it was way up there.
Digital Dynamo – Is the rowdy road-warrior who races up the rapidly-reducing merge lane, cuts me off, honks his horn, and then gives me the middle finger. Were he British, I’d receive two.
Wizard of Light Bulb Moments – Is the male hillbilly neighbour. He saw Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation” movie, and wants to be just like his character. It’s a good thing we live near the Niagara Falls Power station. You can see his house from orbit.

7. People Partner – Is the term that Melania Trump wants to be known as, after the inevitable attention-span divorce. She’s sick and tired of her Secret Service FLOTUS codename being, Orangutang Wrangler.

8, Dr. Fix – Is my hillbilly neighbour’s veterinarian. He has a sign out front that reads, “Have your dog spayed. It makes them less nuts.” She took her pedigreed puppy in last year, when she first got him, but this year she’s screaming, “You didn’t tell me that I couldn’t breed him.”

9. Captain of Multitasking – That’s our Office Clown Manager, Jack. Jack of all trades – Master of none. So many projects started – So few actually completed. 😮 We’re thinking of taping him to his office chair, and force-feeding him Ritalin from a Pez dispenser.

10. Money Maestro – Is my darling wife. I’m glad someone is taking care of the bills. I have all the financial credentials of a drunken sailor on leave. I think she picked up her skills from that five loaves and seven fishes Bible story.

February 14, 2024 by Archon's Den

Come Sit For A Spell

W-E-T-H-I-R

That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had in a while.

I recently read that someone, with the best of intentions, suggested that English language words should be standardized by using phonetic fonetic spelling. Get rid of the letter C. Use either S, or K. Get rid of the Greek ‘ph.’ Use only the letter F.

This idea arises from time to time – usually when some new-generation Gung-Ho fails to do the research that the last generation did, believes that he has had an original idea, and runs smack-dab into the reality that is the hybrid English lingua franca.

This would be a worthy project, helping native English users, as well as many confused immigrants, learning ESL. The biggest problem is that there are so many words in the English language. It means that there are dozens – HUNDREDS – of pairs, or groups, of words which have different spellings, different meanings, yet the same fonetic pronunciation.

What would fonetic spelling proponents do with lists of words like:
sight – site – cite
isle – aisle – I’ll
sees – seas – seize
I – eye – aye
meat – meet – mete
heel – heal – he’ll
wheel – weal – we’ll
peek – peak – pique
great – grate
break – brake
air – err – heir – ere – e’er – Ayr – Ayer ??!

One size spelling definitely does not fit all! How would any reader know which meaning to assign, without the varied spellings?? Suggestions have been made to slowly phase faze (oops, there’s another) the project in, with certain groups of words being changed, while others retain their Indigenous status until next time. Potential Bedlam!!

In September, 1967, after 268 years of driving on the wrong left side of the road, like the British and Japanese, the Swedes changed over to the right. The General Manager of the Swedish-owned plant where I worked, once told us the story as an object lesson. He claimed that the Government worried that the transformation would not go smoothly, so, on the first day, only trucks and commercial vehicles had to use the other side. Cars and motorcycles and such could wait till the second day.

If you’re gonna do it – DO IT! Rip off the bandage! It will only hurt once. But in this case, I don’t think that it could ever be done faster than the normal evolution of the language. What about you?? IMHO, LOL, NSFW, YOLO, TTFN, BRB, G.O.D. 🙄

February 12, 2024 by Archon's Den

One-Track One-Liners

I was going to tell a railroad joke….
….but I lost my train of thought.

If you can’t hear a pin drop….
….there’s something wrong with your bowling.

Everyone is saying that stealing is wrong….
….Personally, I don’t buy it.

When I was young, I felt like a male, trapped in a female body….
….then I was born.

Do gun manuals have….
….a troubleshooting section?

Taco emergency?….
….Call 9 Juan Juan.

I just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals….
….Not on my watch!

My dad always said, “Work till your bank account is a phone number.”….
….After years of hard toil, my balance is $9.11.

I’m not very good….
….at self-deprecation.

Theists keep telling us that Jesus is coming back….
….but he wasn’t nailed to a boomerang.

Arguing with your wife is unwise….
….Even if you win, you lose.

It’s better to be pissed off….
….than on.

If you don’t know what introspection is….
….you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

What’s the difference between a good joke….
….and a bad timing?

Shouldn’t cookies….
….be called ‘Bakies’???

What’s the hardest part of being a Vegan?….
….Apparently, keeping it to yourself

Dim light bulbs, or bright light bulbs….
….Watts the difference?

I told her my name was Heath. She said her name was Heather….
….I said, ”This isn’t a contest.”

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty….
….Me too, bacon! Me too!

What kind of lights were on Noah’s Ark?….
….Floodlights.

“Your resume says that you take things too literally.”….
….”When the Hell did my resume learn to talk?”

February 9, 2024 by Archon's Den

29 Fibbing Fridays

Sleepy Time

Not content with merely having us talk in our sleep, Pensitivity101’s partner in crime, Melanie wanted us to lie in our sleep. Okay, so, Now I Lie Me Down To Sleep. Sleeping is so easy that I could do it with my eyes closed. Lying though….?? No Comment.

To sleep like a __________guy who has committed no crimes or sins. See! I told you I could lie.

Sleep is the best ____________excuse not to get all the tasks on the Honeydew list completed. But sweetie, the doctor said that a man my age needs an afternoon power-nap.

Let sleeping __________politicians lie. Most of them lie, whether they’re awake, or asleep.

I’m going to ______________ sleep much better when I substitute this Memory-Foam mattress for the hay.

Sleep like the ____________guy in court on a paternity suit. The judge asked him, “Did you ever sleep with this woman?” He replied, “Not a wink, Your Honor! Not a wink.”

Go to sleep with the __________case of cold beers, and a fishing rod, in your boat. Just hope you don’t have a startling dream or nightmare, or you’ll have to enroll in Christ’s Walking On Water School.

Catch some ___________shoplifters, because that’s your job as a Loss Control Officer, not napping, back in the stockroom.

Wouldn’t lose a moment’s __________ enjoyment at the sleep apnea clinic over it. The techs come into your little bedroom during the night, to ask if you’re asleep. That’s not creepy at all. Then I no longer snore. The seal on the CPAP machine facemask breaks, and does it for me.

Burn the ____________nearby covered bridge at both ends. It’s like painting yourself into a corner, only you can get to sing Buster Poindexter’s song Hot! Hot! Hot!

Sleep with one ___________ computer tab open. It’s the only way I know what I was working on last night. At my age, the only time I can remember something, is if it’s happening right now.

I’m gonna take a nap and get some rest, to be ready for Monday’s post. All this thinkin’ exhausts me. 😉

February 7, 2024 by Archon's Den

Roses Are Read – So Are These Books

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants….

Some books that are good for the mind, some books that are good for the soul, and some books that are good for just passing time. I read ‘em all last year.

1491
A description of indigenous societies and empires in North and South America before the white man arrived. Aside from the lack of iron and steel, many of them were as complex and technological as anything in the Old World.

A Harvest of Short Stories
A 1960 Ontario English textbook, complete with notes and questions, and the names of three girls who had owned it. 16 short stories, mostly Canadian and British, including a couple of O. Henry ironies, and Poe’s A Cask of Amontillado. I didn’t have to download a free PDF. Two Sherlock Holmes, including The Speckled Band, where I found three errors. You can’t train a snake. They do not drink milk, and they are deaf, and will not respond to a whistle. The notes found one more, where Holmes refers to Watson’s pistol by a company which only ever produced ammunition.

A History of the World In 10 ½ Chapters
Not what it claims to be. A collection of short stories intended to make fun of blind religion, especially Christianity.

Count Zero
Book number two of a trilogy about surfing the internet, but written 40 years ago, when most of us didn’t know the internet existed.

Dead Moon
A premise that large areas of the moon are used as cemeteries. Seemed energy-inefficient to me. Along comes a space rock which re-animates the dead, with no explanation of how, or why. Still, escapist fun.

Even
Lee Grant’s (Jack Reacher) younger brother writing in the same genre. Heavy on the thinking and planning, but not averse to a little required violence.
Genellan – First Victory
Again, the second of three sci-fi books about three, then four, then five alien races, including us, who band together to defeat another powerful one, intent on controlling the galaxy. Think Star Trek Federation versus The Borg.

Gilgamesh
A book written before you were born: This one was written before almost anyone was born – 5000 years ago. Book review to follow.

Kingdom of Bones
An excuse to while away some time in retirement. This one shows a place in darkest Africa where Gaia-energy caused animal life and intelligence to develop.

No Plan B
While ‘Lee Child’ is busy developing the Jack Reacher TV series, (They’re filming the third season in Toronto, where the lead actor, from Minnesota, complains about the cold weather) it falls to his younger brother (see Even above) to keep pumping them out.

One Minute Out
Another Gray Man time-passer. In the first novel. he got so beat-up and shot-up that I didn’t see how he, or the series, could survive. This is the ninth, and they both seem to be feeling their age.

Rasputin’s Shadow
Many people are still fascinated by Rasputin. Even a hundred years later, he’s a good MacGuffin to hang a modern action/suspense novel on.

Relentless
This is number 8 in The Gray Man series. Same as above – only slightly different.

Run
Same basic plot as Even, above. An innocent bystander gets screwed over, and works like Hell to get his life back. Good for a week of casual reading.

Sapiens
A description and illustration of how humans climbed down from the hominid evolution tree. We – the race – may have made a great mistake in inventing farming and technology to feed an ever-increasing population. Hunter/gatherers spend only 18/20 hours a week feeding themselves, with much less stress.

Shatter War
Number two of a trilogy about how areas of Earth are jumbled from different time periods, ranging from ice age, to 200 years in our future. With a canvas that broad and blank, anything is possible. From a husband/wife team like the Childs. He determines the plotline and story arc, and she provides the development prose.

Sierra Six
This is number seven in The Gray Man series. I’m presenting my titles in alphabetical order, but that inverts the published order. This book is out of plotline order. It’s a flashback story to explain how it all started.

Target Acquired
Ghost writers help the ghost of Tom Clancy-past to keep pumping out these Jack Ryan Junior, second-generation novels.

The Kaiser’s Web
If Raymond Khoury can hang a tale on Rasputin, then Steve Berry can hang one on the German Kaiser. Everything old is new again.

The Kill Clause
A police detective, whose young daughter is raped and murdered, is offered a spot on a vigilante squad to bring justice to those who escape on technicalities.

The Last Orphan
A Jason Bourne-type agent is finally showing some signs of being human. I am hoping for more books in the new direction.

The Program
The above vigilante policeman, (temporarily) off the force, rescues a rich man’s daughter from a Scientology-type cult.

The Runaway
A missing,16-year-old, female agent trainee, and the possibility of a relationship with a lady DA and her young son, help scrub a few letters off behind his assumed name – ADD, ADHD, OCD, PTSD. He may become part of civilized society, even while he’s still knocking off bad guys.

The Span of Empire
Similar to the Genellan book, again, there are more and more interstellar races, joining together to resist the galactic bully, who would ‘cleanse’ them all out of existence.

There Is A God
Lies! Damned lies, and more desperate Christian Apologetics lies.

Archon's Den

The Rants & Rambles of A Grumpy Old Dude

Monthly Archives: February 2024