Tag Archives: complaints

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Wheelie Dumb Old Car Jokes

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The teenager in his battered old jalopy was pulled over by a traffic cop.  “You were doing sixty-five,” the officer told him.  “Promise me you’ll keep an eye on your speed and I’ll let you off with a warning.”

The kid said, “Oh, please give me a ticket, otherwise none of my friends will ever believe this heap could go that fast.

***

The Dumpster Cinderella called the police in a panic.  “Someone got into my garage and stripped my car!  It looks all right outside, but when I get in, I see they’ve stolen the steering wheel, the dashboard, and even the glove compartment!”

“Keep calm, Ma’am,” said the voice at the other end.  “Here’s what we want you to do.  Take a deep breath, and then go to the garage and take a good look at the doors, especially the locks.  Then call us again…. when you realize you were in the back seat.

***

The used car dealer was showing a customer a dented heap that still had most of its headlights and one and a half bumpers.  “Here’s a beauty,” he gushed.  “Only driven on Sundays by a little old lady.”

“Yeah?” said his visitor.  “As a getaway car?”

***

The customer walked around the old heap and asked the used car dealer.  “Does it have air conditioning?”

“No,” the salesman admitted, “But you get good cross ventilation…. through the holes in the floorboard.

***

The woman looked out the window on a drive through the countryside and complained to her husband at the wheel, “You don’t cuddle the way we used to when we were dating.”

He glanced over.  “Well…. I haven’t moved.

***

The pedestrian leaped back too late and went flying as the car sped through the red light.  “What are you?” he shouted, clutching his arm, “Blind?”

“Blind?” said the driver, speeding on…”I hit you, didn’t I?”

***

Bitsy was telling Betsy about her driving test.  “I liked this instructor much better than the last one.  He wasn’t always shouting when I forgot my signals or pulled out into traffic without looking.”

“Did he pass you?” asked Betsy.

“No,” said Bitsy, “He passed out”

***

The cop came up to the window of the car he’d just pulled over for some very erratic traffic maneuvers.  “Let’s see your license,” he ordered.

“Are you kidding?” the driver laughed.  “Who’d give ME a license?”

***

It had been a spectacular smash-up, but both drivers came out of it unharmed.  The driver of the red car said, “Here, you look really shook up.  Better have a bracer.”  He pulled a flask from his back pocket and passed it to the driver of the blue car.

“Thanks,” said the second man, and took a healthy swig.  “You need one too, I expect.”

“Not yet,” said the first driver.  “I’ll wait ‘til after these troopers smell your breath and fill out the accident report”

***

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Fibbing Friday #292

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Pensitivity101 thinks that some you know, some you might not, but your definitions for these please.

1. Imbroglio

That’s the drinks tent, at an Italian wedding reception.  Just keep pouring grappa till the Mafia goes bankrupt.

2, Ish

I know exactly what that means – kinda, sorta, nearly, almost, maybe, perhaps, possibly.

3, Insouciant

Likely to become extremely inebriated, and ‘friendly.’
What is the mating call of the Southern belle?
“I am soooo drunk!

4. Inanition

That’s the electrical thingy that starts your car and keeps it going.

5, Infamy

It’s the title of a new book, explaining why the Kardashians are still so popular.

6. Impugn

That’s a curling term, equivalent to ‘widdershins.’

7. Impecunious

It took just one Karen complaint, and the city told us Back-To-Nature suburbanites, that we can’t keep chickens in our back yards.

8. Inveigle

He’s the Jewish lawyer who lives across the street.  Jewish lawyers are so good, because they’ve spent 6000 years, arguing with Yahweh.

9. Iconoclast

These are the current actions of the Hierarchy of the United States.  They are all striving to become icons that will last.

10. Irascible

A toddler on sugar, exploding over being denied nothing in particular!

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SSSHHHhh

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ARCHON is napping.
I need all the beauty sleep I can get.
I received a letter of complaint from Medusa.
Please don’t clomp noisily around the blog-site.
Leave all comments and compliments quietly.

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Feel free to pet the cat.
Lint/hair rollers issued separately.
You may feed, or give him treats, if you know where I store them.
If not, he will be happy to show you.
If a handsome prince kisses me, I should be awake by Friday.
CU then.

😉   😎

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Silly Fibbing Friday

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Pensitivity101 had some silly words last week. How would you define these?

1. Finifugal

It’s a small horn that the midget in the jazz combo plays.

  1. Skirl

Is a new, hot, hair-fashion among club girls, where, instead of soft curves, angular, geometric patterns are formed in shoulder-length hair, using small sandwich presses.

  1. Waesucks

It’s a new term, used to describe the constant whining and complaining from Woke snowflakes.

  1. Popple

It’s a game that chavs in Blackpool play, similar to hacky-sack, only using crushed-down Monster Energy Drink cans.

  1. Gardyloo

He/she is a washroom attendant in an upscale hotel or restaurant.

  1. Futz

She’s the micromanaging wife of a klutz

  1. Frippery

Burger frying/serving at a fast-food joint.

  1. Diphthong

It’s one of those Speedo-type bathing suits, worn by a French tourist with too much of everything but taste and good manners.  Frogs’ legs??!  Looks more like rhinos’.

  1. Wamble

That’s a Serbian expression that means, “The dog ate my homework.”

  1. Phablet

Any one of the Beatles’ female groupies.

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Palindrome Fibbing Friday

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Pensitivity101 was anpicitating anticipating my answers to these ten surnames which could also be professions, or of course……………. something else. Over to me – and under to her.

  1. Baker

A manager at any of the now-ubiquitous, newly-legalized marijuana dispensaries.  I thought that they were supposed to be physically separated – one per neighbourhood.  In a rougher section of town, I recently saw two, directly across the street from each other.  Nearby was a 50-year-old blonde, in an 18-year-old’s mini-skirt, down on her knees (and her luck), counting pebbles at the edge of an unpaved parking lot.  Not only was she baked, she was FRIED!!

2.   Carpenter

A carpenter is also a Kevin – the husband and entitled-partner of a Karen – forever bitching and complaining and griping about everything – and nothing.  Always deaf to anything they do not want to hear, they cannot be convinced that they are no more important than 2-day-old bread, on a half-price special at the Golden Crust Shoppe Bakery.

3.   Gardener

He’s a private who is being disciplined by being made to stand outside at a gate for hours, shout “Halt!  Who goes there?” and control access into an Army base.  A General’s driver was told that he and the officer were not allowed onto the base without written authorization from the commanding officer.  The General waved his hand, and ordered the driver to proceed.  The young lad stuck his rifle barrel in the rear window and said, “I’m confused sir.  Do I shoot you – or the driver?”

4.   Mason

It’s a house that Frenchmen live in – and also French-Canadians who like to believe that they are real French Catholics, when most of them are the descendants of prostitutes and Protestants.

5.   Plummer
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A blue-collar worker with one of those power-auger things, who makes as much as the Prime Minister.  To be fair, he does more good for the country than the Prime Minister and any two back-benchers.  Before you call in one of these, you have to decide which body organ you can sell on the black market, to pay for his services – and all because Germ Theory and the local Council have decided that we can’t have midden tips any more.

6.   Potter
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A potter is a repeat-repeat-repeat customer at our new cannabis retail outlets.  If you accost one by saying, “Hey, Bud” he’ll reply, “Okay, but remove the seeds.”

7.   Rider

A 9-to-5 public transit commuter.  Their sad lot was mourned in a song by the Canadian band, The Guess Who.

8.   Singer

A technician/inventor whose fame and fortune were guaranteed when he designed and built machines that could do in a fraction of the time, hand-sewing tasks that once took forever.

9.   Taylor/Tailor

A none-too-swift female singer/songwriter who has left so many romantic relationship disasters in her wake, that she should be on FEMA’s list of hurricanes.

10. Weaver

An enthralling teller of tall-tales and beguiling stories.  I would like to think that I was one, but my tales are about as tall as a midget’s ass.

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I give my Fibbing Friday posts (sometimes silly) names, rather than merely numbers, to tell one from another.  I called this one ‘Palindrome’ because it happened to be my 1771st post.  My Fibbing Friday list now goes back a way, but neither number 1551, nor 1661 happened to be one.  😎

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A Medial Examination Of Socio-Economic Disparities

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I just got back from a stay at a $500/night hotel, and Boy, is my wallet tired!  I was definitely out of my cultural and financial depth.  Even the serving staff looked down on us.

The wife was told to report to a Toronto hospital at 6:15 AM for her surgery.  It was either start driving from home at 4 AM, or find a nearby hotel/motel.  Since the surgery could possibly reveal cancer, this might be her/our last hurrah.  This was her little adventure, so she wanted to do the booking.  (Shoulda looked over her shoulder)

She called Trivago, to book a three-day stay at a nearer, less-expensive hotel, but they could only provide two nights.  With that “Two-Day” thought in mind, the clerk offered her a $1000+, 5-star booking.  The wife saw- arrive on the 14th, stay the 15th, check out the 16th, “That’s three days, right?”  It wasn’t till I couldn’t get back into the room on the third day, that I found that I had to pony up another $500, toot de sweet, or not be allowed to recover our belongings or rest my weary head.  And then, the snotty little night manager had the nerve to complain that the digits on my credit card didn’t match the digits on the wife’s card when she made the original reservation, and demanded photo ID.

For that rate, I thought that some of the amenities would be included, but I guess they feel that, if you can afford it, you can just keep on paying.  They charged $32/day to park in their underground garage.  The ‘not-in-downtown’ hospital charged $15.50 daily max.  The best bargain was the $2/can for vending machine Pepsi.  The hospital charged their captive audience $2.50/can, and some of the machines did not accept cash – bills or coins.  Tap the app, or go thirsty.

The first night, we ate in the basement restaurant.  Judicious ordering kept the total down to $90, including tip, for two people.  We would spend that at a Kelsey’s or The Pickle Barrel.  I didn’t want the little $13 glass of white wine, or the $19 whiskey cocktail.  We each got a glass of ice water.  I asked if they had soft drinks.  I ordered Pepsi, and the wife got iced tea.  The waiter brought two more stemmed goblets full of ice, and a can of Pepsi, and a can of Nestea.

Later, in the room, the wife commented that, “Those drinks were expensive,  $5.00!”  I replied, “That’s not bad – $2.50 apiece.  That’s what the vending machines at the hospital charge.”  “No, no, they were $5/apiece!”  And we had to crack and pour them ourselves.  😛

If you didn’t want to crawl out of bed, and join the hoi polloi, you could phone in an order for breakfast from the grill, and have it delivered to your room.  Again, I could not justify an $18 omelet, or a $10 bowl of oatmeal.  The literature said that there was a breakfast buffet where we’d eaten supper.  We both assumed that it was complementary.  I got off the elevator to see a sign which read, “Breakfast Buffet – $30.  Hot chocolate and a fruit Danish from the hospital cafeteria cost a lot less than that.

When I (finally) checked out, the room clerk wanted to know how I had enjoyed my stay.  I had to be very circumspect and non-committal.  Educational and enlightening.  I’ve been treated better, and provided with a free, Continental breakfast at places that charge $125/night.  Even with a huge Lottery win, I can’t imagine ever going back.  I stayed there my brother’s “twice” – the first time, and the last time.  I’m just gonna stomp the dust off my shit-kicker boots, and drive on up the street to the Days Inn.

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’22 A To Z Challenge – S

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Of all my relations, I still like sex the best.  😉

Two vaguely-related prompts, equal one mediocre post.

I again, recently ran into some archaic words. Smite means to strike, to hit, to afflict or attack.  It’s a present-tense verb.  The past-tense form is smote.  They were both in common usage around 1600 AD, when the King James Bible was composed.
The Israelites did smite the Midianites.
Peter drew his sword and smote the chief priest’s slave.

There was a lot of smiting and smoting going on back then.  We’ve come a long way since then – perhaps too far.  Now we’re not even supposed to raise our voice, or say anything that might offend or distress someone.

The first word that I snaked out of the S-word file was their relation/relative, the word

SMITTEN

The other two words are verbs, portraying actions performed.  Smitten is an adjective that describes the situation that results from these actions.  The slave, whose ear Peter lopped off, was smitten by the sword.

The two verbs toddled off into linguistic obscurity in the Archaic Dictionary about 400 years ago.  Smitten avoided this fate with a little soft-shoe shuffle and a quick two-step.  It is used, even today, because it evolved its meaning from the actual, physical, to the more allegorical, and mental, and tends to be accompanied by the word with.
She was smitten with the bad-boy biker dude.
He was smitten with the sleek, fast, Tesla sport model.
The entire family was smitten with COVID 19.

Relatively speaking, the relation I next noticed, was the up-and-coming verb form of

SANDBAG

I prefer the British term ‘cosh,’ which is a blackjack, or bludgeon.  A sport sock, with the toe filled with damp sand, smartly applied  to someone’s head, just above the ear, generally guarantees a half an hour of unconsciousness. (a raging headache, possible fractured skull, concussion, loss of memory, etc.)

The recent business and social usage of ‘sandbag,’ which is becoming as common and as irksome as ‘woke,’ is to thwart or cause to fail or be rejected, especially surreptitiously or without warning – scam, con, or flim-flam.  (There’s an old term, making a comeback because of sandbag)

English is a constantly-changing, fluid language, but sometimes I get the feeling that we’re just being sold down the river.  In a couple of days, I will plainly state some of the problems of getting old, and demonstrate the difference between ‘Bitching’ and ‘Whining.’  Bitching is clearly saying I hurt, Damnit!  Whining is more, Whaaa.  I’m a little sore and I need to lie down.  I teach that in my Grumpy101 Course, at the local Community College.  You guys got it for free.  😉

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Wishing For One-Liners

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What do you call those things you blow, and make a wish?….
….Oh yeah, breathalyzers.

I take my wife everywhere….
….but she always finds her way back.

I made a killing on Wall Street….
….I shot my broker.

My neighbors are a fastidious couple….
….She’s fast, and he’s hideous.

My Dad was the town drunk….
….Lots of times, that’s okay – but New York City?

My wife was in the beauty shop for two hours yesterday….
….That’s just for the estimate.

Not all men are homeless….
….but some are home less than others.

I complained to my psychiatrist that nobody listens to me….
….He said, “Next.”

When you breathe, you inspire….
….When you don’t breathe, you expire.

I joined an online dating service for arsonists….
….They send me 30 new matches every week.

When you mix quick-drying cement….
….there are many hard and fast rules.

I’m on the rotation diet….
….Every time I turn around I eat.

My date last night wanted to go someplace expensive….
….so I took her to a gas station.

I lost my job as a stencil maker this week…
…I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.

Last week I got fired for eating chips on the job….
….now none of the other casinos will hire me either.

Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy….
….Getting up off the floor is another matter.

The first thing I notice when someone approaches me….
….The audacity.

My grandma reached 100 today….
….That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

The wife asked, “Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?”….
….Apparently, “It’s just you.” was the wrong answer.

The first rule of The Condescending Club is really complex….
….I don’t think you’d understand it, even if I explained it to you.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid….
….I thought you already knew.

I’m getting older, and I need glasses….
….glasses of beer – glasses of wine.

I do whatever the voices….
….in my wife’s head tell me to.

😳

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He Is Not A Pleasant Fellow

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I am not a very pleasant fellow – as certified by my wife.

The son often reads Quora, an online discussion forum, which has the recurring theme, “Was I The Asshole?”  I did it again – or did I??!  You be the judge.

The wife and I entered a small variety store – think Wal-Mart-Lite.  As many stores do, the entrance aisle was narrow.  Ten feet in, the store had put clothing racks on either side, narrowing traffic even more.  Two corpulent women stood, examining clothing on one rack.  Their shopping cart was crossways to traffic flow, with its nose buried in the far rack.

We, and the couple behind us, could not proceed.  I reached ahead, and moved their cart parallel to the aisle.  We all started forward.  Just as we passed, I heard one woman complain, “He’s not a very pleasant fellow, is he?”  Despite the fact that the wife insists that I need hearing aids, I heard her mutter, “No, he’s not, is he?”

Now, some of my readers might be surprised, but being voted a pleasant fellow by a random idiot bunch of total strangers is not on my list of desired goals.  Then I started thinking about the encounter.  Just what would I have had to do to be considered pleasant??!  What did I do, to deserve such denigration?

I didn’t scream or yell.  I didn’t raise my voice.  I didn’t demand.  I didn’t curse and swear. I didn’t insult either of them.  I didn’t say a word.  I didn’t even require that one of them actually move the offending obstacle.

I could have put a smile in my big, stertorous, public-speaking voice, and sweetly asked, “Could someone please take their inattentive and exasperating head out of their Fucking ass and move this piece-of-shit cart, so that I can get into this God-damned store??!

But no!  This was more like a good day at work.  No-one actually died.  There wasn’t much blood, and the flames were quickly extinguished.  What does a fellow have to do to be declared polite and pleasant, and not get voted off the island?

Now it’s your turn to vote.  Was I the asshole??  Or just a pleasant, if not totally innocent, bystander?

I’ll tabulate the ballots on Friday.  No Fibbing.  😉

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Working One-Liners

 

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CAUTION: To avoid serious injury….
….Don’t tell me how to do my job

A wise man once told his wife….
….NOTHING, because he was a wise man.

April showers may bring May flowers, but what do Mayflowers bring?….
….Pilgrims.

The fastest land mammal is….
….a toddler who’s been asked what’s in his mouth.

Parenting is a lot getting up….
….once you’ve sat down.

It’s pretty wild that we used to eat cake….
….after someone had blown on it.

I need a leaf-blower….
….but for people.

My personal style is best described as….
….”I didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

When this virus is all over….
….I still want some of you to stay away from me.

I miss being at work….
….complaining about not wanting to be at work.

I just realized….
….My trash goes out more than I do.

Boobytrap, spelled backwards….
….is partyboob.

Don’t spell part backwards….
….It’s a trap.

I still can’t believe that some people’s survival instincts….
….made them grab toilet paper.

Only 6 dwarves are left….
….Sneezy has been quarantined.

One minute you are young and wild…
…The next, you’re into air fryers.

A big nose is no excuse not to wear a mask….
….I mean, I still wear underwear.

I hear that the government is putting chips into people….
….I hope I get tortilla chips.

I’m sorry I’m late….
….I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Wanna see social distancing?….
….Lend somebody some money.

Welcome to today’s episode of….
….Now what??!

Doctor: You need to listen to your body….
….Body: You’re old, and you want queso.

My favorite way to online shop?….
….I just yell out what I want and wait for an ad to pop up.

My yoga pants….
….have never been to yoga.

I used to be a crastinator….
….Then I decided to go Pro.