Tag Archives: divorce

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Fibbing Friday #300

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Pensitivity101 had Double Acts last week………….. or were they? That’s up to you!

1. Who were Lennon and McCartney?

They were the proprietors of a small Hair Care and Mechanical Shop in Folkestone, the English entrance/exit city to the Chunnel.  Lennon repaired lawn mowers, and McCartney gave shampoos and scalp massages.

2. Who were Torville and Dean?

A pair who became friends, and graduated from law school together.  They went to California, and decided to specialize in divorce law, just in time to acquire the Elizabeth Taylor franchise.  She introduced them to Richard Burton.  After meeting Larry king at one of their parties, they expanded the firm, hired Remington Steele as their investigator, and retired, multimillionaires.

3. Who were Tom and Jerry?

Tom was the Thanksgiving turkey that the big fat turkey Donald Trump pardoned.  Jerry was the White House chef who was willing to put away the sharpened hatchet, until The Donald told him that he will be leading the invasion of Greenland.

4. Who were Dumb and Dumber?
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Aww…  C’mon!  Did you really have to ask?

5. Who were Little and Large?

They were the non-identical twins who used to do the Before and After telly adverts for Jenny Craig.

6. Who were Hinge and Bracket?

They were a precision joinery firm with a Royal License to produce small, ornamented chests, suitable for storing jewelery – and flash drives with Epstein files on them.

7. Who were Rodgers and Hammerstein?

A small, niche, manufacturing firm that specializes in blacksmith tools and equipment.

8. Who were Laurel and Hardy?

Laurel and Hardy are that lovely couple that run the very nice bed and breakfast near the Art District.

9. Who were Calvin and Hobbes?

They were the operators of a local bakery.  Their Mariannes, Chelsea buns, and éclairs were to die for – or from.  They baked real, sandwich-making bread that Americans didn’t recognize or understand, since their bread has as much sugar as a dozen honey-dipped doughnuts.

10. Who were Barbie and Ken?

This is the new slang term to indicate a Karen and Darren couple who go a step beyond.  I may nominate my neighbors.

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Self-Rejection

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I have been content to have been saddled with the second-most common – and boring – surname in the English language.  Others have not been so lucky, or accepting.

Many years ago, a young female co-worker had married a Lithuanian-Canadian named Butkevicius.  He felt that the name was too long – too complicated – too confusing to others – too…. European??  He wanted to change it to something shorter, easier.  In all naivety, and with no sense of irony, I suggested he change it to something like “Butkus.”  She replied, “That’s what his American cousin, the football player, did.”  They were related to Dick Butkus, but still hadn’t changed their surname, the last time I saw her.

I was hired to replace a man who had given his two-week notice.  His name was Scheibelhoffer, which, strangely, translates as someone hoping for discs.  Back in the days of paper checks, he complained that it took two, for him to sign his name.  He wanted to become simply ‘Hoffer,’ but found that government bureaucracy, with forms, and fees, and warrants, and applications, made it too expensive.  While accepted as a German name, it’s actually more likely to be Austrian, where polysyllabic names like Schwarzenegger and Lautenschlager are common.

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A girl named King moved from Newfoundland to our German host city, and soon married a perpetual child named Detwiler.  Even after getting married, and siring a son, on most fair-weather weekends, he would be building and racing go-carts. She came home one Sunday evening, after a weekend visit to an aunt, to find a $3500, full-size, fully functional replica of Dr. Who’s Dalek in the living room.  The divorce could not come too soon.

She wanted to be separate, not only from him, but his name, and any impending bankruptcy, but, like the guy above, she found that going back to her maiden name through the courthouse, would cost $750.  She was already seeing a new man when she told me of her problem.  I suggested that the new romance might solve it.  Sure enough, just over two years from the divorce, she married a mature mechanical engineer who earned 2 or 3 times what we did, and got the new surname, Johnson, for the cost of a marriage license.

The German-Canadian family of a co-worker named Fischer, became an English-Canadian family named Fisher, during WW II – even here in a German city, once named Berlin.  😮

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Boring Fibbing Friday

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Bored with your job title? Here are some really creative ones Pensitivity101 thought she’d share.
What do you think these are?

  1. BD Ninja – is Luthor Lothario in Accounts receivable. He’s got a wife and a mistress, but he’s also had sex with 12 other women in the last year.  There’s an office pool about when he’s going to die, and who, or what, is going to cause it.  Exhaustion is a strong candidate, right after ‘Angry Husband’
  2. Head of Schmoozing – Was the Baptist preacher who was the biggest reason that I stopped going to church. After a 30-minute, hellfire and brimstone sermon, he would race to the front door to glad-hand every parishioner trying to exit.  People just wanted to go for lunch.  Hell, people just wanted to go to the loo, and he was stuck in the doorway like a corpulent cork.

  3. Ambassador of Buzz – Would be Snoop Dog. A comedian talked about being on the same bill, and being invited into Snoop’s STAR dressing room after the show.  He said that there were six guys in the room, but seven blunts being passed around.
  4. Colon Lover – My proctologist. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had, but it was way up there.

  5. Digital Dynamo – Is the rowdy road-warrior who races up the rapidly-reducing merge lane, cuts me off, honks his horn, and then gives me the middle finger. Were he British, I’d receive two.
  6. Wizard of Light Bulb Moments – Is the male hillbilly neighbour. He saw Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation” movie, and wants to be just like his character.  It’s a good thing we live near the Niagara Falls Power station.  You can see his house from orbit.

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7. People Partner – Is the term that Melania Trump wants to be known as, after the inevitable attention-span divorce.  She’s sick and tired of her Secret Service FLOTUS codename being, Orangutang Wrangler.

8, Dr. Fix – Is my hillbilly neighbour’s veterinarian. He has a sign out front that reads, “Have your dog spayed.  It makes them less nuts.”  She took her pedigreed puppy in last year, when she first got him, but this year she’s screaming, “You didn’t tell me that I couldn’t breed him.”

9. Captain of Multitasking – That’s our Office Clown Manager, Jack. Jack of all trades – Master of none.  So many projects started – So few actually completed. 😮   We’re thinking of taping him to his office chair, and force-feeding him Ritalin from a Pez dispenser.

10. Money Maestro – Is my darling wife. I’m glad someone is taking care of the bills.  I have all the financial credentials of a drunken sailor on leave.  I think she picked up her skills from that five loaves and seven fishes Bible story.

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List Of ‘IST’ Fibbing Friday

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Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know what our suggestions were for this list of ‘ists,’ please.

  1. Philatelist

These are OCD people like my loony-bin neighbour, who will only associate with men named Phil – like Phil Collins, Phil Silvers, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, golfer Phil Mickelson, and his dentist, Phil McCavity
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2. Botanist

A botanist is any one of a gaggle of teenage girls, set loose with daddy’s credit card, in a retail mall.  A negativist is a person who warns that bricks-and-mortar stores will soon be extinct, and we’ll buy everything online and have it delivered.  Not while these frenetic females exist, and they want to try on every top, in every store, and test every shade of lipstick, before bragging, “See what I bot.”

3. Naturalist

A naturalist is a person who frequents a clothing-optional beach, or nudist colony, to acquire a tan without tan lines.  Many of them are strippers exotic dancers, but you’ve already met Dick Brown.  Just wait until he gets skin cancer, then he’ll be Spotted Dick.

4. Taxidermist

He’s one of the new urbanites, who works from home in one of those giant housing densification buildings, complete with its own retail/service area.  He doesn’t own a car because there’s only 100 parking spaces for 12,000 residents.  He very seldom physically leaves the building.  Most of his ‘trips’ are digital and electronic.  When he does go out, he relies on Uber, Lyft, buses, and cabs.

5. Anthropologist

‘Anthropo’ – a prefix indicating “manlike” An anthropologist is someone who expends time and energy, trying to prove or disprove the likes of Sasquatch, or the Yeti.  If they’re searching for hairy, ill-mannered, sub-humans who utter incomprehensible noises, they’d be better advised to frequent any Glasgow pub on Saturday night.

  1. Scientist

“Science” means knowledge. A scientist is a person who asks questions of the Universe, to know how it works.  I tried doing that, but the Universe said, “Hold on!  I’ve got a question for you.  After tilting against the windmills of Disney and the Florida teachers, how the Hell does Ron DeSantis think he has a ghost of a chance to be president?

7. Strategist

A strategist is a person like Phil Harding, of the Time Team, who digs through the layers and tiers of rock and dirt, to find historical relics and ancient fossils.

8. Protagonist

A protagonist is an adult who wishes to get some exercise and fresh air, and shed some of the stresses and strains of modern busy and complex society by once again embracing the childhood games of yesteryear.  There are also promarblists, and prohopscotchists.

9. Pharmacist
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Use your imagination!  I’d use mine, but it’s still stunned by that Ron DeSantis story.  I told you that I would someday post a three-legged dog – (or a nine-armed squid) – of an FF list.

10. Biologist.

A biologist is someone whose job it is to prove that you’re a hell of a nice person – as long as you’re dead.  It’s up to them to sift through your life, and assemble a quarter-page newspaper blurb about your achievements and successes.  Very seldom does it mention that the featured fictional character lived in a multi-million dollar mansion because they were a shark of a lawyer who created six acrimonious divorces, and four bankruptcies.  😦

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Addicted To One-Liners

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Extra!  Extra!  Getcher bonus edition of jokes here!

I’m addicted to seaweed….
….I must seek kelp.

I love the idea of shutting up….
….I just don’t think it’s for me.

Always give 100%….
….unless you’re donating blood.

Just baked a synonym bun….
….just like the ones grammar used to bake.

Want to hear a joke?  Sleep….
….Yeah, I don’t get it either.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle….
….I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction….
….My money’s on Dave.

My struggle with steroid addiction….
….has only made me stronger.

My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
….I told him to calm down and not to fret.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants….
….Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.

I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years….
….I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey, but nobody is taking me seriously.

If your phone doesn’t ring….
….it’s me.

No-one is more full of shit….
….than a parent who just said maybe.

In the insomnia Olympics….
….you snooze – you lose.

Monday is the beginning of Diarrhea-Awareness Week….
….It runs till Friday.

My wife claimed that 40 is the new 30….
….Lovely woman….banned from driving.

Iron Man stops the bad guys….
….Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

I sent my hearing aids out for repair three weeks ago….
….I haven’t heard anything since.

A yawn is….
….a silent scream for coffee

I never faked….
….a sarcasm in my life.

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Putting the Fun In Funeral

Subject: The Italian Funeral

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

‘What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”   
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”

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If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles were an aphrodisiac, perhaps in ten years they’d be extinct.

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Married 50 years 

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.  So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

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The wife and I were sitting on the patio yesterday, each sipping a glass of wine, and she said, “I love you so much.  I don’t think I could ever live without you.”
I said, “Is that you, or the wine, talking?

She replied, “That’s me….talking to the wine.”

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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
The wife and I were celebrating our fifty-fourth anniversary.  We had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to our old neighborhood after we retired.  Holding hands, we walked back to our old school.  It was not locked, so we entered, and found the old desk we shared, where I had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On our way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at our feet.  She quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, we took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

I said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in the attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on our door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

She said, “No.”
I said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to me and began to question me.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
So I said, “Well, when she and I were walking home from school yesterday … “
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

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Great Comedy – No Lie

The school called today to tell me that my son has been telling lies.
I told them to congratulate him on how well he tells them.  I don’t have a son.

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Dear Lord, all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person.

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“While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-wife, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.    It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.   She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

“If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today.  Just one shot to my estranged wife’s knee cap was all it took.  The alligator got her easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was truly incredible and her life insurance was also a big bonus.”

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The new vicar at a city centre church was delighted when he received a large anonymous cash gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: “First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can’t spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting.”

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The cashier at Wal-Mart said, “Strip down in front of me.” so I did as she told me.
When the hysteria died down, I found that she was instructing me on how to use the credit card reader.

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My High School was so poor, that they taught sex education and driver’s-ed in the same car.

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I tried to donate blood today.  Never again!  Too damned many questions!
Whose blood is it?  Where did you get it?  Why is it in a bucket??

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A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing a seatbelt, he had won $1000 in a safety contest.  “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.  The man responded, “Well, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my driver’s licence.”  At that point, the man’s wife chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him.  He’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat who, when he saw the cop, blurted, “I told you we wouldn’t get very far in this stolen car.”  Just then there was a knocking from the trunk, and a voice asked, “Are we across the border yet?”

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I Say! That’s Amusing.

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The 3 hardest things to say:

I was wrong.
I need help.
Worcestershire Sauce

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Two friends are driving through a town…

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;
Rum + water = liver problems;
Whiskey + water = heart issues;
Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “Dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

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The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier?

I was ecstatic!

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There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative.
Trigonometry jokes are too graphic.
Algebra jokes are usually formulaic
Arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

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After seven girls, a couple finally have a boy.  The next day, a friend visits them in the maternity ward.  He asks, “So, which side of the family does he look like?”
They look at each other, and the Mother finally replies,  “We haven’t looked at his face yet.”

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Joe: “My girlfriend told me she’s splitting from me.”
Pete: “Why is she splitting?”
Joe: “She told me she was tired of me pretending I am a detective.”
Pete: “What did you say to her?”
Joe: “I told her splitting up was good, we could cover more ground.”

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I was digging in the garden when I discovered a chest filled with gold coins.  I was going to run into the house and tell my wife….
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

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The Prime Minister of Canada visited a kindergarten and asked them, “How much is the budget for each child’s food consumption per month?”
They told him: “$400.”

He said: “That is a lot. “ so they reduced it to $ 300.  Then he visited the prisons and asked them: “How much is the prisoner’s food budget per month?”
They told him: “$400 sir.”

He said, “That is too little!  Increase it to $1000!”

A minister accompanying him was appalled by the PM’s strange decision, so he asked him.  “Honourable PM, I am curious. Why reduce the budget for food for the kindergarten children but increase the allowance for the prisoners?”

The PM replied: “Do you really think that after leaving the Government service, people like us would end up in the kindergarten?”

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A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?” “Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.” “Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?” “I had to call the doctor!”

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Flash Fiction #255

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PHOTO PROMPT © Ted Strutz

THE ICEMAN COMETH

When a younger lion runs off an alpha male, he often eats any cubs.

Young Michael came to work one month-end Friday, looking quite morose.  His divorced mother had remarried a year ago.  As he got ready for work, his step-father said to him, “Give me your house-key.  I’ve sold the place.  We’re moving today, and not telling you where we’re going.  We’ll leave your belongings on the porch.

I’ve heard of kids running away from home.  This was the only time I heard of Home running away from a kid.

Schwarzenegger played Mister Freeze, but this guy was COLD!   👿

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Pissing One-liners Away

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Did you hear my new joke about pee?….
….Thank God no-one leaked it

I wanted to tell a joke about Amazon….
….But I’d probably fuck up the delivery

I just found out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder….
….I gotta tell the other guys

Why do women hate sexist jokes?….
….Because they only get 77% of them.

Freud was such an incesting man….
….Interesting!  I meant Interesting.

There is no lifeguard….
….In the gene pool

Did you know that protons have mass?….
….I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I called a discount exterminator….
….A guy came by with a rolled-up newspaper.

When my wife was in labor I told her jokes to ease the pain….
….She wasn’t amused, it must have been the delivery.

I would love to tell a chemistry joke….
….But all the good ones Argon.

I have one Islam joke….
….But I’m afraid I also only have one head.

Sometimes I wrestle with my Demons….
….Sometimes we just snuggle

Honk!!….
….If you like noise.

Marriage is grand….
….Divorce is a hundred grand

I had a life….
….But my job ate it.

What do you call a cow with two legs?….
….Lean beef

You tell an actor to ‘break a leg’….
….because every show has a cast.

What do you call birds of a feather, who stick together?….
….Vel-crows

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology….
….Do not read it!

If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight….
….there would be mass confusion.

Don’t tell a ‘dad joke’ if you are not a father….
….It’s a faux pa

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese….
….But it’s only mild

I’ve just written a song about tortillas….
….Actually, it’s more of a rap.

My wife told me that sex is better on vacation….
….Not the best postcard I’ve received.

Nouns piss grumpy old Archon off….
….You know, people, places, and things.

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween….
….Now he won’t come when I call him.

An unemployed jester….
….is nobody’s fool.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles….
….Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

I won’t go near trees….
….There’s something shady about them.

You have to hand it to short people….
….Because they can’t reach it.