Tag Archives: dogs

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Unfamiliar Fibbing Friday

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Pensitivity101 thought it “Sounds familiar” a while ago. Go on, whack me with your silliness………….

1. What is a paddywhack?

That’s a drunken Irishman, being taught some manners, down at the local pub.

2.  What is a goujon?

That was the special grey mustard that the Toph in the Rolls-Royce didn’t have.

3.  What is a bichon frise?

That’s me, complaining that a little open-heart surgery has changed my favorite chips from being made with real potatoes, and fried in real oil, to being bought, frozen, from the supermarket, and run through an air fryer.

4.  What is a botanist?

An ace special-effects technician who is highly skilled at conceiving and building android creations for science-fiction movies.

5.  What is meant by jocular?

It’s a collective group of ‘Lost Boys’ who grew too large to remain in Never Neverland.  Now they ride race horses.

6.  What is a reamer?

It’s the first new boyfriend of a fellow who just came out of the closet.

7.  What is couscous?

That’s the wife, trying to tell the cat that she’s put out some soft food.

8.  What does it mean to chortle?

Chortle means to silence an entitled Karen.  Various methods are available, depending on the presence of potential witnesses.  Like the Valley-girl speech of a few years ago – Gag me with a spoon,  Don’t tempt me, bitch!

9.  What is a niblick?

That’s a midnight snack that I try to conceal from the warden wife.

10. What is lancing?

It’s a small city in Michigan, where no-one knows how to spell.

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Fibbing Friday #289

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Last week Pensitivity101 asked, R U sitting comfortably?

1. Ripsnorter

I sneezed so hard, I activated the automatic paper towel dispenser

2. Rinky-dink

A curling bonspiel groupie

3. Rapscallion

Negro soul food cooking and music school

4. Recalcitrant

The medication that I take to improve my bone density, and prevent osteoporosis

5. Rickrack

The name of my co-worker’s favorite pool hall

6. Rut-roh

The motto embossed on all Scooby-Do merch  See Shit happens

7. Redonkulous

A friend of Crocodile Dundee – strong like ox, almost as smart

8. Rammy

Mary had a little lamb.
She called her wee friend Lamby.
The pet grew up and became wed,
And called her husband Rammy.

~ That’s the Great-grandson, following in his father’s footsteps and rammin’ all over the place with his late toddlerhood energy!

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~ My daughter told me this is a type of fiber that is processed from natural plant fibers. It is one of the oldest fiber crops, having been used for at least 6,000 years, and is principally used for fabric production. It is a bast fiber, which comes from the inner bark of the vegetative stalks and unlike other bast crops, it requires chemical processing to de-gum the fiber.

9. Rickety-crickety

Pretty much describes my body since I retired.  I’ve had noise complaints from neighbors, just for hobbling down stairs

10. Roodle

A cross between a Rhodesian Ridgeback dog, and a poodle

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Fibbing Friday #279

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Mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week, her apologies if some appear familiar.

1. What is an ingot?

That’s part of the national motto of the excitable bunch that live to our south.  They even put it on their money.  Ingot We Trust.  Everyone Else Pays Cash.

BONUS ANSWER: The daughter says that, because a bigot is a person who judges and hates everybody who isn’t exactly like them, an INGOT is someone with an open mind and open heart, who accepts others as they are, and values the differences.

2. What is a Pekinese?

The neighborhood pervert who’s always trying to get a look behind bedroom curtains

3. What is gumbo?

A stop-action cartoon character, played by Eddie Murphy, on SNL
I’m Gumbo, damn it!

4. What is crème fraiche?

That’s the latest cosmetic moisturizer, maybe from Maybelline

5. What is a patisserie?

A French petting zoo – of course, they pet frogs, and snails.

6. What is cock-a-leekie?

What my male Scottish terrier does to the neighbors’ mailbox post, when I walk him

7. What is a scotch egg?

The Scots are so cheap frugal, that their eggs only come 10 to the dozen.

8. What is a tuning fork?

Call me anything – except late for dinner.  You’re lucky you haven’t seen me eating, cutlery flashing in the light, moving so fast it’s striking sparks, and musical notes.  For poutine or chili fries, I can get up to a B-sharp.

9. What is a leprechaun?

A Korean with a necrotic flesh disease  Unclean!  Unclean!

10. What is a running flush?
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The wife told me not to take that second, big slice of rhubarb pie

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Coup De Grace Comedy

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One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I cannot afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

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(Remember, folks, HR is not your friend.)

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired!

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, “I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs?!!!” he growled.

The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all, at the first mistake!”

The King realized his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

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Out Of Control One-Liners

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Does anyone ever….
….spiral into control??

The best way to watch a fishing tournament….
….is live-stream.

Due to recent budget cuts….
….the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie….
….is all the walking.

I’m taking my red marker to the hospital….
….We’re going to draw some blood.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding!  I have no idea.

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?….
….Use spring water.

I don’t snore….
….I purr with the force of 10,000 kittens.

Can we just agree that we’ve taken this, “Anyone can grow up to be President”….
….thing, way too far??!

Love means nothing….
….in tennis.

I’m done being a people-pleaser….
….if everyone is okay with that.

I tried to teach my dog to fetch….
….but he just doesn’t get it.

It’s time to plant….
….some more impeach trees.

I didn’t want to grow up….
….I just wanted to reach the cookies.

The world is a donut….
….and we are but holes.

I made a chicken salad yesterday….
….Turns out they prefer grain.

If a book about failures is a best-seller….
….is it considered a success?

It’s no longer called ‘box wine’….
….The classy term is ‘cardboardeaux.’

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Ever Take It In Your Head To Do Comedy?

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face.

Her maid of honour asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The bride replies, “I just gave the last blow job of my entire life.”

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Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

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Fibbing Friday #259

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Definitions again last week. Pensitivity101’s apologies if she’s duplicated any as she uses different word sites. Some of these she borrowed from fellow bloggers.

1. Verisimilitude

Not really poetry, but an amazing imitation.

2. Grikes

These are those three-wheel pedaled vehicles that senior citizens use to get in the way of real traffic around with.

3. Clints

This is a retrospective of every Eastwood film ever made.  They contain more guns than the Russians in the Ukraine.

4. Kamenitza.

This was to be the squadron of Italian suicide pilots, in the Second World War.  They only got one volunteer, and even he didn’t go down in flames.  His name was Ernesto “Chicken” Cacciatore.

5. Rillenkaren

Double, double, toil and trouble.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
She’s the Queen of a coven of entitled HOA bitches.

6. Cockalorum

This is a hot, steaming tureen full of cock-a-leekie soup, Scotland’s national dish, one of the reasons that Scottish men are men – even if some of them wear skirts.

7. Dongle

This is a nickname for any given Irishman, after taking on an evening’s normal pub rations.  They see snakes, faeries, unicorns, and leprechauns.  The Isle is not Enchanted.  They just have too much blood in their alcohol system.

8. Fartlek
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Surprisingly – disappointingly – I do not hold the record for the rankest natural-gas producer in the house.  Cats eat protein, meat and/or meat by-products.  Dogs are opportunistic omnivores.  Our dog sometimes gets too many, and too varied, a selection of treats.  We recently found that she loves lettuce – beware while making a sandwich.  Occasionally, there’s a sharp little Thhbbpt noise where she’s lying, and she jumps up and looks around, offended.  Then the miasma wafts over.  A couple of times, it’s happened when she’s jumped up on the leg-support of my recliner, to join me in a nap.  That’ll wake me up!  😮

9. Folderol.

That’s me, after the wife has voluntold me to “help” with the laundry.  She holds a supervisory position.

10. Furphy

One dog, two cats, and three hairy humans in this house – it’s not dusty or dirty, but all that hair collects in visible windrows – in corners, at the bottom of the stairs, in front of the refrigerator.  I pick it up by the handful.  There’s no sense constantly vacuuming/hoovering.  Aside from being too lazy busy, in half an hour there’ll be another wad by the stove.

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Fibbing Friday #157

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I recently told Pensitivity that, despite always being a week late, I had not missed publishing a Fibbing Friday post since March 15, 2022.  I put a sometimes humorous descriptive title on each of them.  I am running out of smartass titles.  Three years X 52 weeks = 156 posts.  I have begun numbering them.  The occasional title will not interrupt the sequence.

Pensitivity101 wanted some more definitions last week. Hope you can have some fun with these.

1. Doohickey

This is the new sport that is already starting to replace pickleball, because the name makes more sense.

2. Donnybrook

The small stream that runs behind the grandson’s – and great-grandson’s home.  A virtual Natural Encyclopedia for an intelligent, inquisitive 4-year-old.  He must be carefully supervised, but it is full of ducks, geese, frogs, crawdads, lilacs, daisies, violets, and Dead (non-stinging) Nettles.

3. Dingleberry

A term of affection and acceptance for Flat Earthers.

4. Dingus

He’s the office brain-trust who comes to work on the short bus.  He’s actually a nice guy, and accomplishes a lot of carefully-explained-to-him work, but he thinks that manual labor is the Mexican groundskeeper.

5. Drub

This is one of the new bathing apparatuses, where a little door opens in the side, so that handicapped people don’t have to step up and over the edge to have a shower or bath.

6. Dreck

As Donald Trump begins his second term in office, and the average IQ continues to decline, (I get the feeling that those two are somehow related.) marketers and advertisers are busy convincing us that our teeth have to be printer-paper white, and we need to use Full-Body deodorants, or we won’t get laid.  Dreck is shampoo for bald guys.

7. Diggity

The sub-genus for my two Scottish terriers.  I don’t know what puts bigger holes in my back yard – moles – or my dogs, trying to get at them.

8. Dook

This is the new term for a digital novel.

9. Dibbly

This is what a putter at a miniature golf course was called, early in the 20th Century, before golfers stopped using Scottish Gaelic, and began speaking English.

10. Dinkum

That’s the cotton candy that you can buy at Australian fairs.  They’re always talking about their fair dinkum.

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Save-My-Ass Fibbing Friday

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It was a mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week, including a few recycled questions from older posts.

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Again, many thanx and much credit to daughter, LadyRyl.  I’d have had them all done on time. (Sure I would)  She just got most of them done much sooner.

  1. What is a quaver?

Where Cupid keeps his endless supply of arrows

  1. If you didn’t know a door as a door, what would you call it?

A portal guard

  1.   007 has a license to kill, but what would an 010 have a license for?

Having looks that kill – but not like Medusa

  1. Define Corybantic.

He was the Flash-In-The-Pan ‘80s’ Canadian teen heartthrob Cory Haim – a none-too-big frog, in a not very large pond.  He did one TV series, 12 movies, a kilo of coke, and a great funeral.

  1. What does Crinkum-crankum mean?

Isn’t this the way we used to start cars and tractors back in the day?  Breaking our backs in the process?

  1. What is a Cacodemon?

What you call a Mochachino…
A coffee & hot chocolate blend that summons the spirit within to rise and get on with the day.

  1. What would you do with a collop?

Use it to put a dollop of clotted cream on biscuits, scones and cakes.

  1. What is a curlicue?

The line that wraps around the internet when hot tickets go on sale.

  1. Who or what is a cootie?

This is the feminine version of “old Coot”

  1. What is an erf?

The strange sound a dog makes when they burp.

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Humor At The Movies

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I thought that I liked seeing movies.  Turns out, I just like eating candy in a dark room where no-one is allowed to talk to me.

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Not to brag, but I’m the reason that the yoga teacher stopped saying, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

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Me, before coffee: Ugh, why is everybody yelling?
Me, after coffee: Okay!  Yes, I do see the fire now.

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Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That’s the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535

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Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It’s a person, but smaller.

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The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17.

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Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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When I go To Hell:  “I was told that there would be a “special” place for me.

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She’s single.
She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my patio.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street, right up my driveway, and knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex all night.  Are you doing anything this evening?”
I said, “Nope, I’m free!”
She replied, “Good.  Could you watch my dog?”

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