Tag Archives: jokes

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Fibbing Friday #308

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Here are last week’s questions from Pensitivity101:

1.  What is a canopy?

A larder or cupboard for storing tinned foods.

2.  What is a cookie?

Dagwood Bumstead’s daughter – and his wife is Blondie – and their neighbor is Tootsie – no real names, and all before marijuana became legal.  I’m surprised that his son isn’t DUDE.

3.  What is a pup cup?

It’s the cap that screws on the top of a Saint Bernard’s rum keg.

4.  What is a typhoon?
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A rich, powerful person who is full of…. hot air – and other, less pleasant, substances.

5.  Why are nails sharp at one end?

Because the other ends are still attached to my fingers.

6.  What’s the difference between a chip and a fry?

A chip is found either in an electronic device, or at a golf course, while a fry is most often found at a tailgate in a football stadium parking lot.

7.  What is a shoe horn?

A source of merriment and celebration at footwear stores.  C’mon!  The clerks need all the help they can get.  It’s not like they’re a cell phone kiosk.  All the salespeople ever see – and smell – are feet.

8.  Why do spirit levels have bubbles?

They were originally manufactured in the Champagne region of France, and filled with second-grade wine that hadn’t passed the Quality Assurance standards.

9.  Why do we have tea leaves but coffee grains?

You keep tellin’ the cops that the stuff in the baggie is tea leaves, while “your cousin,” Manolito, shipped you that coffee from Colombia.

10. What is a diplomat?

A man who always remembers a woman’s birthday – but not how many she’s had.

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Stolen One-Liners

 

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I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

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Fibbing Friday #307

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Mish-mash from Pensitivity101 last week, so your suggestions please!

1. What is a cannery?

A little, yellow, cartoon bird named Tweety, who t’ouht he taw a puddy tat.

2. What is a rookery?

Any online scam, where you have to prepay with iTunes gift cards

3. What is hooky?

Any person – especially a teenager – who gets a five-finger discount, by walking out of a store without paying for merchandise.

4. What is pinochle?

The non-brand-name, generic version of Nutella.™ ©

5. What is a ricochet?

An Irishman with vertigo/balance problems.

6. What is hubbub?

It’s a big yellow clamp that the traffic warden attaches to your wheel, if you park illegally.

7. What is a podcast?

See ‘Wingnut,’ below.

8. What is a wingnut?

A maple key/seed.  With climate change, we may soon have winds so strong that Abu Dhabi will have a maple syrup industry.

9. What is a switchback?

A knife with a spring-loaded blade that pops out when you push a button.  Get the point??

10. What is a cacophony?

A nonet.  A small musical group of nine people, including a vibraphone and spoons.

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Fibbing Friday #306

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Mixed bag last week, so Pensitivity101 was looking forward to our ideas on these.
Complete the saying:

1. Mad as a ……………..

MAGAt, when he drinks the Kool-Aid

2. It’ll all come out in ……………….

The Epstein files.

3. Two’s company, three’s …………….

an extra charge at the massage parlor.

4.  Hi ho ……………………………………

The Lone Ranger is no longer Works Manager at the Seven Dwarfs’ dig.  He opened his own silver mine – a sterling position.

5.  Every cloud has ……………………

About 90% porn uploaded to it.

6.  Sticks and stones ……………….

And you’ll have the second little piggy’s house

7.  In for penny……………..

Because that’s all a Taylor Swift concert is really worth.

8.  Don’t count your …………………..

Fingers, after you shake a politician’s hand.  You may be missing some.

9.  Let sleeping dogs……………….

Lie.  They never tell the truth, anyway.  The badger was THIS big!

10. Hands, knees and …………………..

And I gotta leave the pub earlier

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Childish Humor

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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

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A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

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My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

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Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

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Fibbing Friday #305

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Last week Pensitivity101 wanted our thoughts on these!

1. Borg

It was an artificial, sheepskin-like, insulating fabric in Clarissa’s jacket, in The Silence of the Lambs movie.

2. Caught in 4k

I told the neighbor to leave his cell phone, and its GPS app, at the office, if he was gonna visit his side-chick, but tell his wife he was working late.

3. Cheese Pull

Did the bloody Brits invent a new term to describe wanking??

4. Cheugy

This is the Czech name for a filled doughnut that the Poles call a paczki – a word that simply means “package.”  Especially popular before Easter, the local Polish market includes some with a rose-flavored cream center.  Anybody want to try some?  I’ll email them to you.

5. Chopped

These are our Guaranteed, Government, financial, retirement benefits, since the Provincial and Federal Governments have wasted $Billions on every boondoggle except a digital copy of the Epstein files.  The cat and dog have started a GoFundMe campaign, to help ensure their kibble.

6. Chuzz

This is the new Woke language style, that won’t call a spade, a spade – just an African-American, even if they live in Belgium.  He was shot nine times, and unalived.  I’ll bet that he was impressed with that.  It makes it sound like he was standing on queue, waiting for the stairway to Heaven.

7. Crash out

The son works a midnight shift.  He usually comes home and busies himself, making food, and reading, but…. there are some shifts where I come down to find him sprawled – often face-down – on the couch – dead to the world.  I have to wake him up, to go upstairs to sleep.  I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a chalk outline around him.

8. Blue-Pilled

Let’s see….was it the one that shrinks my enlarged prostate??  The one that increases blood-flow, to help it work….or was it the Magnesium supplement?? 😕  It could be arsenic and old Archon.  I gotta trust the wife.  She’s the one who fills my weekly pill dispenser.  I recently found her staring at our marriage license.  I think she’s looking for the expiry date – either the license, or me.

9. Fridge cigarette
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Why is there a letter D in the word ‘fridge,’ but not in ‘refrigerator?’
If you had a look inside my fridge, you’d realize that there’s not enough room for it.
What were we talking about??  Fridge cigarettes??
Uh….frozen fish sticks??!  Not with that door standing open.  😳

10. Buns.
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I have Buns of Steel, © ™ but not from exercising, or else the rest of my body wouldn’t look like Bib, The Michelin Man.  I got them from hours spent in the World’s most uncomfortable computer chair.  Before any of you suggest a better chair – this one is the only reason that I get any of my chores done.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – W

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I’ve already published a post about The Whichness Of The Why, and the only word(s) left on my prompt list for W is

WHIMSY/WHIMSICAL

capricious humor or disposition; extravagant, fanciful, or excessively playful expression
an odd or fanciful notion.
anything odd or fanciful; a product of playful or capricious fancy.

I’ve also had two posts about JUXTAPOSITION, and I worried about justifying the concept of Whimsy/Being Whimsical against my carefully crafted and presented Grumpy Old Dude persona. I know that I publish a significant amount of Friday fibs, one-liners and jokes, but I take comedy seriously, regarding it as psycho-social commentary.  Also, I present it at carefully scheduled times.  It can hardly be called capricious.  I guess I’ll just have to settle for odd or fanciful.

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Fibbing Friday #304

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Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted definitions for these words.

1. Lowkenuinely

This is an automobile modification shop in the barrio, which produces cars that sit so close to the pavement, that running over a pine needle – or a heroin needle – can cause brake-line damage.  They are often driven by louts whose pants hang down about the same amount.

2. Gruzz

These are police officers in Minnesota, who grow big, bushy beards, to insulate their faces, and keep them from freezing off in the winter.  Not to be confused with trigger-happy ICE agents, who wear various masks, to escape prosecution.

3. Nerf

A hodad is a guy who doesn’t surf.  A nerf is a technophobe who doesn’t surf the web.

4. 41

The highest IQ someone can have, and still believe in these ridiculous conspiracy theories, and online scams.  See #7 – below

5. AFAIK

Initially, I thought that it was an acronym.  Then I found that it refers to any of the Kardshians.

6. Agentic

I asked Siri for a definition.  She told me not to concern myself with it.  All would be just fine.  She and Alexa were dealing with the Donald Trump problem, and would soon have Sky-Net operational.

7. Aura farming

It seems that the more scientific information is available, the more some fools will insist on believing superstitious nonsense.  The neighbor woman has a Ouija board, a Magic 8-Ball, a copy of the I-Ching, and more crystals than Swarovski.  She claims that she is gathering and concentrating her husband’s emanations, to make him successful at work.  I told her to just have him stop eating Kolbossa sausage and sauerkraut.

8. Bed rotting

Working from home is one thing, but you should at least roll out of the old fart-sack for Zoom calls.

9. Blep

A blep is an image on one of the new Quantum, Air Traffic Control radar screens.  They are so ultra-sensitive, they can tell how many passengers are on an airliner, and how many of them are left-handed.

10. Bloatware

For me, ‘retaining fluids’ means not throwing up that last mug of beer.  For many of you ladies, it has a much different connotation.

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One-Liner Facts

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Inevitable facts….
….Death, Taxes, Shipping and Handling

You can mix many things with alcohol….
….Drunk Facebook posting should not be one of them.

The space between my ladder rungs has increased….
….due to climb-it change.

I’m not good with tech….
….How do I disconnect my wife’s auto-correct function?

I have a trickle-down economics joke….
….but 99% of you wouldn’t get it

I just checked my account balance at the ATM….
….and it printed me a coupon for Ramen noodles.

I finally got eight hours of sleep….
….It took me three nights but…. whatever.

To make a long story short….
….there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.

Tips on falling asleep in a living room chair….
….#1 – Be old  #2 – Sit in a chair  #3 (optional) Recline

If your phone autocorrects F**K to duck….
….that’s still fowl language.

An optimist is the guy who invented the airplane….
….A pessimist is the guy who invented the parachute.

Don’t put words in my mouth….
….That’s where bacon goes.

Onion rings??….
….I’m answering.

I tried to use that face-aging app…
….It just said, Nah, you’re good.

I started out feeling Bold….
….then I lost my ‘B.’

I bought a new boomerang….
….How do I throw the old one out?

I’m not a perfectionist….
….My parents were, though.

I wrote a golf joke….
….but it’s a little under-par.

My boss said that I had poor communication skills….
….I was speechless.

 

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Fibbing Friday #303

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Mixed bag of silliness from Pensitivity101 last week:
My  suggestions for these!

1.  What is a mamba?

Aunt Jemima’s sister, who taught her how to make pancakes

2.  What is a rumba?

I knew I shouldn’t have had that second chili dog with jalapenos!!  Fortunately, the bathroom is unoccupied.  😮

3.  What is a samba?

A character in The Lion King movie

4.  What is a metronome?

A really short guy who rides the Paris subway

5.  What is a mantra?

A big, really flat fish, that flies though water, and could make you believe that its ancestors mated with space aliens

6.  What is a salsa?

That is the sly, slinking sidestep that the office rumor-monger takes, when the boss demands to know who started  the story that Richards, in Accounts Receivable, is an ICE agent.

7.  What is a cappella?

The new, largest size coffee that Starbucks serves

8.  What is canasta?

An archaic card game that is only played in the country north of the USA  (Not) Speaking of Canada…. did I mention archaic??

9.  What is alabaster?

A chef in a Muslim restaurant

10. What is a stanza?

He was the Italian actor who was (supposedly) the male lead in the TV series “Who’s The Boss.”  Elton John wrote about him – Hold me closer, Tony Stanza.  If you don’t remember him, don’t feel bad.  With his acting abilities, he was often upstaged by furniture.

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