Tag Archives: politicians

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Fibbing Friday #306

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Mixed bag last week, so Pensitivity101 was looking forward to our ideas on these.
Complete the saying:

1. Mad as a ……………..

MAGAt, when he drinks the Kool-Aid

2. It’ll all come out in ……………….

The Epstein files.

3. Two’s company, three’s …………….

an extra charge at the massage parlor.

4.  Hi ho ……………………………………

The Lone Ranger is no longer Works Manager at the Seven Dwarfs’ dig.  He opened his own silver mine – a sterling position.

5.  Every cloud has ……………………

About 90% porn uploaded to it.

6.  Sticks and stones ……………….

And you’ll have the second little piggy’s house

7.  In for penny……………..

Because that’s all a Taylor Swift concert is really worth.

8.  Don’t count your …………………..

Fingers, after you shake a politician’s hand.  You may be missing some.

9.  Let sleeping dogs……………….

Lie.  They never tell the truth, anyway.  The badger was THIS big!

10. Hands, knees and …………………..

And I gotta leave the pub earlier

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Fibbing Friday #283

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Pensitivity101 said that these are characters in pantos or animated movies, but who would you nominate for the role (fictitious or real person)

1.Widow Twanky

Sounds like a Country/Western wife, who lost a husband to an overdose of banjo.

2. Buttons.

Buttons??  I thought it said Buffoons!!  Almost any male in the local Mennonite community – because the females are silent and obedient – especially the clan elders.  Through Theological hair-splitting, they have determined that cell phones and Wi-Fi tablets are acceptable, because they are not physically attached to the secular word, but zippers on the front of trousers are the Devil’s tool.

3. Cinders.

That’s the new sobriquet being applied to Donald Trump, because the jobs and careers of so many people like Steven Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel are going down in flames caused by his unlawful commands and demands.

4. The Beast.

Rosie O’Donnell  She’s the only one with the balls to tell Cheeto-Head Trump to stuff it.

5. Gru.

Two examples of a young English rose dare each other to visit a nudist camp.  Soon after they arrive, a studly male specimen walks past.  “Ooh, that’s gruesome, inn’t” coos one of them.  “I sure hope so.” responds the other.

6. Cruella de Vil

I was going to pull a name out of a hat, from a long list of female American politicians, with Marjorie Taylor Greene leading the field.  I realized that not one of them has enough brains to actually be cruel.  It’s all stupidity, egotism, and unintended collateral damage.

7. The Fairy Godmother

Duh-Wayne – The Rock – Johnson  He played The Tooth Fairy a couple of years ago, but got a promotion.

8. Abanazar.

He’s the penny-pincher without the conviction of his beliefs, in that stupid, saccharine, colorized, Christmas Carol movie, where you can see the cameraman in the mirror, if you watch closely.

9. Carabosse

He’s a Mexican sheriff, in charge of administering justice, who throws petty criminals into his calaboose.

10. King/Queen Rat.

We can’t blame Trump for everything.  The Hell we can’t!!  Even some of his strongest former supporters are jumping ship, now that they’ve realized what a walking disaster area he is.  C’mon everybody – all together – tell him he’s number one.

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Patriotic Duty

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Donald Trump has managed to do something that no other politician – domestic or foreign – has ever done.  He has instilled a sense of National Pride in normally blasé Canadians.  He put some lead in our pencils – some backbone in our spine.  He has become the focus of Canadian, and Canadians’, distaste – even hatred.

The echoes of his voice, threatening to annex Canada had hardly faded, when tee-shirts were offered online, that read, CANADA IS NOT FOR SALE! and WE’RE #1 – NOT # 51!  Signs and notices have gone up everywhere.  Companies, businesses, and influential Canucks are urging citizens to Buy Local, Buy Canadian, and Boycott Trump.

Clutch.ca, an online, used-car trader, is busy assuring everyone that they are strictly Canadian, and not a tentacle of an American conglomerate.  Roadhouse/bar, Montana’s boasts that they have been Proudly Canadian for 30 Years.  It might not have been so critical if they’d been named Alberta’s, although that sounds like an Italian spaghetti joint.

Stores, especially groceries, are festooned with little, red, Maple Leaf tags and stickers, telling shoppers which goods are produced in Canada.  Canadians are only polite for so long.  That line may have been reached.  To Have And To Hold!  If Trump tries to go ahead with his hopes and plans for Canada, he may find that both of those are far more difficult than he ever imagined.  Captain Canuck, and all his Canuckleheads will give businessman Trump, the business.

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Daft Fibbing Friday

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Daft questions from Pensitivity101’s own head last week (apologies for any that may sound familiar!)
Your silliness on these please!

1.  What is a Lover’s Knot?

Most religions tell you to love others.  The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.  After paramedics applied PAM oil-spray and a plastic pry bar, they started talking about using the Jaws of Life.  I say, just do what we do with the dogs.  Use the hose.  It’s amazing how much cold water can shrink certain parts of the anatomy.

2.  Where is the Milky Way?

Around any toddler learning to feed themselves breakfast.  Bobby Goldsboro’s son spilled sugar-drenched Rice Krispies in front of the coffee table in the den.  The mass dried and set into a diamond-hard, razor-sharp mass.  Bobby stubbed his left big toe into it for three stitches.

3.  What is a belly flop?

My post-surgery diet.  My doctor told me to watch my weight, so I put it out in front of me, where I could keep an eye on it.

4.  Why do they say ‘Break a leg’ before a performer goes on stage?

They’re hoping to move up a level, as the understudy.  Sir Lawrence Olivier once did a part in a small play, in a small, west-London theater.  During first rehearsal, he just phoned it in, but the star-struck toadies were busy congratulating him.  From the back of the hall came the voice of the janitor.  “Come on, Larry.  You can do better than that.”  Olivier admitted, I could, and I did!

5.  What is a goof ball?

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Take your choice – or BOGO.

6.  What is two for his heels and one for his nob? (Remember: FAMILY FRIENDLY!!!!!)

It’s a sequence of moves in fighting… Right jab, left jab, then a hard uppercut with the right again.  Knocks ’em for a loop every time!

7. Why should every woman have a LBD?

So that they’ll have something to wear at their husband’s funeral, after he has a heart attack when he finds out how much money was paid for so little fabric.

8.  What is an updo?

When you have more followers on your social media than just your family and friends.

9. What do pearl, silverskin and button have in common?

Styles of dress at the local gay bar.  There’s also chain-link, for the BDSM crowd.

10. Why does the rain in Spain stay mainly in the plain?

Because there’s nothing fancy about Castilian precipitation

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Real Fake Fibbing Friday

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Last week Pensitivity101 gave us some real words, but these are my definitions!

1. Bafflegab

    That would be anything that falls out of Elon Musk’s mouth.  I used to think that Donald Trump was the champion of Talk Much – Say Little, but Elon, his left-hand man, amazes and awes me.  He may be a genius who will get us to a colony on Mars, but no-one will understand why.

    2. Batrachomyomachy

    This is a word which means possessing an excess of Woke.  When God made Man, he was explaining to some angels.  “He might not look like much, but He will be strong, brave, tenacious, and clever.  He will fight off huge wild animals.  He will survive fires, floods, earthquakes, volcano eruptions….  Eventually, He will become afraid of words.”
    3.  Boondoggle

    This is my online friend who rescues and finds homes for unwanted and abandoned canines.

    4.   Borborygmus

    You’ve heard that “You can lead a horse to water’??!  This is the guy who can’t.  He vainly attempts to organize and run the team Zoom meetings, with all the style and panache of low-fat yogurt.  People follow him only out of morbid curiosity.

    5.   Bowyang

    It’s the vee-shaped wave, pushed ahead of the front of Viking Cruise river boats on the Danube.  Not amusing, or even very interesting – just something that we cannot afford to do – but I definitely dislocated my fibula, typing it out.

    6.   Blitzkrieg

    Blitzkrieg is a candy bar manufactured in The Netherlands, similar to a Mounds bar.  It contains dark chocolate and nuts, and is heavily infused with THC oil.  You will get as fat as a little pot-bellied pig, eating these things…. but you don’t care, man.

    7.   Brimborion

    This word describes the food provided at many hospitals.  It is contracted out, produced in bulk, shipped to the hospitals, warmed back up, and served to unsuspecting patients, with Hobson’s choice.  Maximum profit is obtained through minimum variation.  It contains no salt, because of heart patients.  It contains no sugar because of diabetics.  It is warm, filling, nutritious – and about as palatable as mucilage.  I lost 20 pounds in 10 days.  A previous cardiac patient was the Food Manager for all of Ontario’s penitentiaries.  He said that he could/would not serve this pap to his prisoners.

    8.  Boffola

    This is the ‘Dirty Talk’ portion of foreplay (If there is any) for #9

    9.   Boff

    Boff is the verb to describe aggressive, positive sex – usually with the male as initiator and controller.  The “Boff” quotient of American presidents has declined significantly over the years.  John F. Kennedy used to boff all kinds of movie stars and socialites.
    Monica Lewinski became Bill Clinton’s whistle-blower, when she took it into her head to become famous.
    Eeny, Meany, Miney, Moe
    Trump grabs them by the camel-toe
    He has oral sex when he tells them how much they want and enjoy his ‘HUGE’ hands.
    10. Buzzwig

    Renaissance hair-pieces were not white because they were heavily dusted with talcum powder.  It was arsenic, to kill all-too-common fleas.

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    Neighborly One-Liners

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    The only person who listens to both sides of an argument….
    ….is the next-door neighbor.

    Vodka mixes well with everything….
    ….except decisions.

    There are two kinds of people in this world….
    ….I avoid them.

    I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m up $150….
    ….I love being a mailman.

    If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years on this Earth….
    ….It’s okay to lie about your age.

    I’m first in line at Paranoids Anonymous….
    ….Everyone else is after me.

    I never run with scissors….
    ….Those last two words were unnecessary.

    I’m really getting older….
    ….My doctor just referred me to an archeologist.

    What this country needs….
    ….are more unemployed politicians.

    By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%….
    …. of what little joy in life you still have.

    I can’t be held responsible for what….
    ….my face does when you talk.

    A perfectionist walks into a bar, but immediately leaves….
    ….Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

    Bacon is actually the second reason I’m not a vegan….
    ….I’m not a moron, being the first.

    Last night I dreamed I was an automobile muffler….
    ….I woke up exhausted.

    I’m beginning think that, for some people….
    ….the wheels on their bus do not go ‘round and ‘round.

    When you said “Friends with benefits”….
    ….I thought you owned a taco truck.

    When people bring up my hell-raising past….
    ….I remind them that Jesus dropped all the charges.

    Girls nowadays are like a box of chocolates….
    ….Some of them have nuts.

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    Setup Fibbing Friday

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    Last week was another set of question offered to Pensitivity101 by fellow blogger Archon’s Den.  (Ta-Da!)
    What do you make of these?

    1. Betrump

    That is the woe that will betide the United States, if there are enough desperate, gullible voters to re-elect a multiply-convicted felon.

    2. Cony-catch

    That’s a form of juggling, using special, Fall-Fair hotdogs.

    3. Crapulous

    Living in a small town, we don’t have a sewage system.  Houses just have septic tanks.  Some of the older houses still just have cesspools – or British cesspits – although, ours are covered over.  There’s a local firm that comes around occasionally, to pump them out.  It’s called Poker Pumping, and the motto on the honey-wagon says, “A straight flush beats a full house.”

    4. Dowsabel

    It’s the signal for the end of the stock trading day on the NYSE.

    5. Ear-rent

    This is the up-front, per-minute charge that I demand, to listen to duct-cleaners, campaigning politicians, and rabid religious missionaries.  I have kinda, sorta learned to listen to the wife, or I will pay.

    6. Flexanimous

    This is the exact opposite of what I was at the beginning of my life.  Nowadays, my thoughts and opinions are as rigid as my protesting muscles and joints.

    7. Gazophylacium

    This is a new medication developed to relieve acid reflux, caused by a hiatus hernia.

    8. Grum

    Cheer up, they said.  Things could be worse.  So I cheered up.  Sure as shit, things got worse.  Things always seem to go from bad to worse.  Yesterday, they were grim.  Today they are grum.

    9. Hugger–mugger

    This WOKE shit is getting Waaayyyy out of hand.  Apparently, there are no more armed robbers.  There are just financially-disadvantaged street residents.  I’m of the, “That’s not a knife.  That’s a knife Beretta 9-mil, opinion.”  It cuts recidivism 100%.

    10. Lucubrate

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    This is a system to assign values to the untruths we spread.  It ranges from tact, – (No, dear, those yoga pants don’t make your butt look big.  It’s your addiction to Godiva chocolates that does that.) to white lies, fibs, euphemisms, misdirection, real lies, damned lies, statistics, and Vote for me.  I’m not really a rich, condescending asshole, I just married into the money.

    How many British Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
    No-one knows.  They don’t stay in office long enough to do it.

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    Fancy a cuppa?

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    Christian Privilege Run Amok

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    The Good Christian™ love and tolerance fairly flows from the following advice-column letter.
    Through 40 years of marriage, my mother-in-law regularly wrote my husband critiques of me.  She always started with a prayer, then insulted and belittled me to become more like her daughters and daughters-in-law, who pray with her at their church, and have never worked because they ‘put their husbands and children first.’  Hardly judgmental or insulting at all!

    The Canadian Armed Forces have issued a change in procedure to their chaplains.  Two local Op-Ed letters were published.  An ex-mayor said;
    It is time for every serious-thinking Canadian to lament the latest directive by the government that military chaplains should no longer engage in ‘prayer’ or use the word ‘God,” but rather engage in ‘reflection.’

    Does the Trudeau government know that in a 2019 national survey, 68% of Canadians reported having a religious affiliation?  To whom will Prime Minister Trudeau be “reflecting” at the National War Memorial on Remembrance Day, when he bows his head – The Tooth Fairy, Mickey Mouse, or The Easter Bunny?

    I will be praying to God for the safety of those in uniform, thanking God for those who gave their lives in wars and disasters, and seeking comfort from my God for the Canada which no longer exists.

    Mister Christie, you make good cookies – but truly shitty arguments.  Your “God” is not my “God”.   68% may have religious affiliation, but not all of them to your Christian faith.  Trudeau was reflecting to his Catholic God on Nov. 11, but those around him mentally sought Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, and others.  Your reference to cartoon and fairy-tale characters was insulting and disingenuous.  As a politician, the very mention of the 68% figure, means that you don’t give a shit about the other 32%.  Perhaps that’s why you’re an ex-mayor.

    A local doctor of Polish descent insulted the Polish army, and our intelligence, when he said;
    Military chaplains have been instructed by the Canadian government to remove words like “God,” and “Heavenly Father” at official events, under the pretext of inclusion, to avoid offending Atheists.

    This shows that our Liberal government would rather offend God, pierce His heart with a dagger and remove His providential armor, as described in the book of Isaiah.  The Catholic Church urged Poles to beg for God’s protection from the Russian Communist Bolsheviks.

    At the Battle of Warsaw in 1920, called the miracle over Wisla River, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared, and the Bolsheviks fled in fear.  Christ’s directive to us is simple.  “Give unto Caesar what is Caesars, and unto God what is God’s.”

    The ‘Miracle at Wisla River’ was that the tiny Polish army repulsed the far larger Russian force.  They did it with dedication, grit, and home court advantage.  The official historical accounts make no mention of the appearance of the Virgin Mary.  The Poles won the day with patriotism, force of arms, better training and shorter supply lines – not with delusion and hallucinations.

    The good doctor has both his dictionary and his prayer book in a knot.  The word ‘pretext’ means something that is put forward to conceal a true purpose or object.  There is no pretext that this was done for inclusion, and to prevent giving offence.  Neither the Prime Minister’s office, nor the Armed Forces, issued any statement naming Atheists.  Those not offended now include Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Shintoists, and others.

    It is disturbing, but ironically amusing , that he offers the ‘give unto Caesar’ quote to justify his whine, when that is exactly what is being done.  The Christian God is not being removed from the Canadian Armed Forces, only the insistence of its monopolistic application to groups which include many non-Christians.

    Oh, these poor oppressed majority Christians, they have had undue, unwarranted, unlimited, unquestioned privilege for so long, that the mere attempt by another individual or group to achieve some equality, just sends them into a religious tizzy.  They practice social martyrism.  They try to convince themselves that, the more hard-done-by they are, the more correct their stance, and the closer to salvation.   😮

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    Sadly Amusing

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    What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard someone say??  The following is a collection of some real gems.

    Someone in our group lost a flip-flop in a river.  We all watched it float downstream.
    Someone else in the group said just to be patient, because eventually it will do a full loop and come back.

    I dated a girl who thought that sea-horses were the size of real horses.
    She was so disappointed at the aquarium.

    I was solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Some guy asked me how many sides it had, and could I make them all blue.

    Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) thought that the island of Guam could tip over if too many people got on one side.

    I dated a girl who thought that “the hole in the ozone layer” was where the space shuttle came through to land.

    A woman at a neo-natal clinic thought that her baby’s soft spot was what he breathed through, like a whale’s blowhole.

    My wife has a friend who honestly believes that you should not go out during a full moon, because you will get moonburn.

    “What year did this happen?”
    We were watching Lord of the Rings!

    I had to break the news to a couple of kids that, when you are grown-up, you don’t get summers off.  I felt bad, but they deserve to know, I guess.  To be fair, they both had mothers who didn’t really have regular jobs, and it didn’t occur to them, because their mothers were home with them all summer.

    Years ago, I was watching MTV Street Smarts with a man I had recently met.  The question asked on the show was to put these events in chronological order, from oldest to most recent – the civil war, walking on the moon, and the Ice Age.  I snorted, and joked about what a ridiculous question it was.  He did not seem to be amused, so I asked him, You know this, right?  He replied, “I’m not good with dates.”

    If you drink a Coke, and then a diet Coke, the calories cancel out.

    You have your facts, and I’ll have my facts.
    It’s crazy how many grown adults still don’t understand that opinions are not facts, or worse, that opinions can be facts if spoken loud enough.

    I had someone in a college history class, seriously and with a straight face, ask who this Hitler guy was, halfway through a WW II unit.  We all just stared at her for 5 seconds.  Then the professor told her, “Come see me in my office after class.  You’ve got some catching up to do.”  Bless him.  He handled it so well.

    I’m allergic to Oxygen.
    I asked if they meant Oxycodone, but no, they insisted they were allergic to Oxygen.

    Years ago, a guy I worked with said, “Those people in Ireland must not be paying their taxes.  The IRS keeps bombing their homes.”  That’s not the IRS, you idiot!  It’s the IRA!  That’s what I meant, the Internal Revenue Association.

    I was microwaving some leftover food.  I hit the 1 for one minute.  My friend asked, “Why did you hit one minute?  I usually just put mine in for 60 seconds.”  I had to explain that they were the same thing.  We were in high school together.
    I explained to another friend that 90 seconds was the same as 1:30.  They insisted that 1:30 was more, and called me crazy.

    A manager at my old job asked me if Alaska was an island near Hawaii.  That’s what it looked like on the map.  They also asked if they could get an STD from breathing the same air as a person with an STD.  And they were in charge….  🙄

    When I worked at Starbucks, it was a common question from customers to explain the difference between a hot drink, and an iced drink.

    I don’t have a girlfriend because females are intimidated by my career
    He was the Assistant Manager at an Outback Steakhouse.

    A guy I worked with told me that he was trying to lose weight by cutting down on pasta.
    I haven’t had pasta in three weeks, and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
    That’s awesome, but what do you have in your hand there?
    Mac and cheese.
    I thought you said you haven’t had pasta.
    I haven’t.  This is mac and cheese.

    How long does it take for the meat to grow back on the cow after you shave it off?

    There’s no difference between turkey and ham.  They both come from birds.
    I guess pigs really can fly in their world.
    A college friend very seriously asked, If beef comes from cows, and pork comes from pigs, what animal does chicken come from?

    I knew someone who thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing.  She was 18, and just graduated high school.

    “Well, she never got pregnant before.” after his girlfriend got pregnant, and I asked him why he didn’t use protection.

    While I was at an orientation for a Masters Program at Yale, I mentioned that I was from New Mexico.  Another person who had got into Yale for a graduate program asked me what the immigration process had been like.  I like to tell this story to anyone who acts as if an Ivy League education is somehow a mark of intelligence.

    …. Chicken parm isn’t vegan??

    These fireworks got wet.  I’m gonna dry them off in the microwave.

    My daughter just tried to tell me that plutonium doesn’t come from Pluto.  Oh well, it’s good she’s cute.

    The wife’s older brother argued with her Grade 9 Science textbook, where it said that white is the combination of all colors, and black is the absence of color, because everybody knows that white is no color, and black is all the colors mixed together.

    😮

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    ’23 A To Z Challenge – U

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    Tom Jones said, It’s Not Unusual

    and he was right.  The word for this week is not ‘Unusual.’  It’s not even really unusual.  It’s just a little archaic.  Fresh off a Christmas and New Year’s feast soaked in turkey fat, I give you the word

    UNCTUOUS

    1. characterized by excessive piousness or moralistic fervor, especially in an affected manner; excessively smooth, suave, or smug.
    2. of the nature of or characteristic of an unguent or ointment; oily; slippery or greasy
    3. affecting an oily charm

    “How like a fawning publican he looks.”  A publican being an innkeeper or pub (public house) owner – a distinction without much of a difference – a businessman who had to wrangle an establishment full of drunken customers for his income, without driving them away.  A little butt-kissing seldom went astray.  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is just depth perception.

    Publicans were not the only ones to perfect this art.  Many politicians, Christian Apologists, religious leaders, salesmen – con-men, again, not much difference.  Recently, that began to change.  Oh, there are still lots who seem to have graduated from Shell Oil U, or Wesson College, but more and more are becoming outspoken, rude, and aggressive, turning to bombast and vitriol.  The servile have become volatile.

    Whether in politics, or religion, he who shouts the loudest, and hurls the nastiest insult, carries the debate.  These guys…. actually, the women are getting to be just as bad – I’m looking at you, Lauren Boebert – are as polarized as the plugs on my lamp cords.  There is no give, although many are still busy taking.  Donald Trump is not the cause of the American social and political decline.  He is merely a symptom.  In the United States, citizens have the right to remain silent, but far too few have the ability.  Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.  😮