I admit, I’ve got a bit of a lead-foot. I was driving through Georgia on vacation, when I got pulled over by a State trooper. I decided to try some fake innocence, to see if I could get away with it. When the officer approached my car, I said, “I’ve never been pulled over like this.” He just stared at me and said, “What do they usually do?? Just shoot out the tires?”
***
My doctor’s receptionist commented that she hadn’t taken her morning vitamins, and was walking around unprotected.
I replied that I hadn’t taken my Prozac, and that everybody was walking around unprotected.
***
The wife and I were watching a TV show about long-married couples. I asked, “If you had to do it over again, would you marry me?” She said, “You’ve asked me that before.” “So, what was your answer?” She replied, “I don’t remember.”
***
The knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small. But it was lovely, so I wore it to church on Sunday. Afterward I emailed her to say how nice it looked on me. She shot me back a text, saying how glad she was. ”Especially,” she wrote, “as it’s a tea cozy.”
***
My grandson and his pregnant wife were checking into a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
“What do you think?” she asked.
He looked around and replied, “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”
***
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled with his tattoos and piercings. Later, her Mother says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh please Mother,” the girl replies. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
***
A marine biologist was telling some of his friends about his latest research findings. “Some whales are capable of communicating at a distance of 300 miles.”
A sarcastic friend asked, “What the Hell would one whale have to say to another whale, 300 miles away?”
“I’m not absolutely certain” the expert replied, “but it sounds a lot like Can you hear me now?”
***
What should I do? yelled the panicked customer to the veterinary receptionist. My dog ate two bags of unpopped popcorn. Clearly not as alarmed as the worried pet owner, she replied, “The first thing I’d do, is keep him out of the sun.
***
An orangutan at the zoo has two books – The Bible, and Darwin’s Origin of Species. He’s trying to find out if he’s his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.




















