So much for spring. It’s been cold lately. The trees are budding and the grass is green, so maybe there’s still hope for Michigan spring. I’ve been here five years and still have not gotten used to the coldness of both the weather and the people.

Things have come to a head in my life lately, and I am out on medical leave due to mental and emotional stress. I simply cannot take the verbal abuse and nonsense that happens there on a daily basis, yet…I am so scared to leave and go somewhere else, it is making me a basket case. I have been off since last Wednesday, resting at home and looking for another job. I actually have an interview tomorrow (Monday), which is great news, right? Yes, it is, and it should be. But I am such a mess I am scared sick. My stomach is a wreck and I am once again on the verge of a panic attack. For the love of God, I hope I don’t have one tomorrow morning when I am trying to get ready for the interview.

Why does this keep happening to me? I don’t want to be on medication…I don’t want to be drugged up so I can function. I am going to see a MSW a week from Tuesday, so hopefully that will start to get me the help I need. It’s not just my job, it’s a whole mess of problems I have been dealing with the last few years. Moving here, my mom’s health problems, losing both my grandparents, almost losing my wife, and dealing with the bully at my job. It’s put me in a tailspin. And the people I thought I could count on, I can’t. I have thought about moving back to St. Louis so many times, but I know that wouldn’t solve anything. I wouldn’t be happier. I would be miserable and feel like a failure. My mom always told me to stop chasing happiness because you will never find it outside yourself.

She was right. Go figure.

So what makes me happy? Hell if I know. Oh, reading a good book. Watching a good movie. Traveling to a place I’ve never seen before. Being with friends. Sitting with the dog on my lap while he sleeps. I don’t need much to make me happy, though traveling can get expensive.

I know I have to find this inside myself. I keep thinking, “Oh, if I had a better paying job,” or “Oh, if I moved somewhere warmer,” or “Oh, if I went back to school and got my master’s degree,” I would be happy. Would I? I honestly don’t know. All I know is if I went back to school I would have no better job prospects and a lot more debt. Seems like a waste of time at this point, which only serves to make me sadder and angry, because there’s nothing I love more than school. If I won the lottery, I’d be a professional student.

I hope this therapy helps me. And I hope I can get my shit together.