Month: March 2025

Exes

On By broadsideblogIn aging, behavior, domestic life, life, love, women5 Comments
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By Caitlin Kelly

I know two younger women — one mid-20s, one early 40s, both with no kids — who recently ended their unhappy marriages. I’m thrilled for both of them, smart, adventurous women who know when it’s best to move on and reclaim a happier life.

I was married very briefly, 35 to 37, to an American physician I met in his final year of med school at McGill in Montreal. It was, very unusual for me, love at first sight and we were discussing marriage fairly soon. But by the time we actually did it, it was a very bad idea and I lacked the courage, moral and family support and a separate income that would have made calling it quits a lot easier. Not proud of this, but it is what it is. He ran off with a work colleague and had three kids with her. Good for them.

I was intrigued by this recent NYT essay about staying friendly with one’s ex-partners:

I loved my exes then, and I love them now, only differently. They still have the qualities I loved from the beginning. Most of them think I’m beautiful, and all of them laugh at my jokes. When I was newly separated, still very ill, and in no shape to start up with anyone new, they surrounded me with an affection tinged with romance, but without the complications of an actual relationship.

I’m grateful to them all. Why would I toss them away? If it’s true that you cannot make new old friends, finding new old lovers is harder still.

Along the way, I have developed a few rules. When you’re seeing someone, it is only polite to hit pause on these ex-ships, or at least dial them back. Don’t discuss sex with an ex, especially any sex you’ve had since you split, and certainly not the sex you had with each other.

In Paris last November, after a seven year absence, I looked up two exes from my fellowship year there, when I was 25. One is deep into his second marriage, a grandfather, and one was off in India doing academic research. Jose and I had dinner with the one in Paris and had a good time. It was very odd to see him again after decades, but he’d aged well, having had a prosperous life working in finance — still so handsome, same devilish charm, same quiet wit. It was nice to know I’d chosen well, even briefly, and that we had the goodwill to meet up again. Our break-up wasn’t angry or rancorous as we both knew it wasn’t a lifelong thing.

I’m still in touch with my college sweetheart, five years older, also long happily into his second marriage — as am I. He wanted to marry me, a wonderful compliment, but I knew we were not going to be the best partners long-term. He’s all the things I loved then: handsome, smart, quirky, talented. I’m grateful he still wants to remain friends, as a few exes very much did not!

The man I lived with in my early 20s, still a friend, now lives in rural Nova Scotia and we might have been neighbors had the house I hoped to buy there worked out.

There’s something lovely about still knowing the people who “knew you when”– before the various blows life inevitably deals out to most of us sharpened our edges or dulled our willingness to (re) engage emotionally. I was stunned and saddened to learn that another ex, a successful lawyer, had died early of cancer. A gentle, talented photographer died of AIDS, as that was, then, a scourge none could escape. The lawyer, lovingly, called me “bossyboots,” a phrase I still use about myself.

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Jose

I was single ages 18 to 30, and 37 to 43. I know some people like to stay in a relationship for years. Not me. Six months was a long time for me. Few of my exes were ever going to become a husband or long-term partner: too moody, in a different place financially, and/or with few prospects, one a man whose Jewish parents were horrified that I’m not Jewish. That one did break my heart. He was my first post-divorce beau and one of the funniest men I’ve ever met.

Mostly, I really treasured my independence. I didn’t want kids, so had no pressure from biology or my parents to “settle down,” a phrase that still chills my blood. Career came first. And I wanted to move to New York — easy for me then with a green card thanks to my American born mother, but looked impossible to dislodge any Canadian. So for years, de facto, it was a matter of choosing Mr. Right Now, never Mr. Right, someone Canadian who would have wanted me to stay in Toronto or Montreal.

The man I craved (and eventually found!) was someone equally independent, didn’t want kids, was kind and smart and funny — but somehow both modest and highly accomplished. That’s Jose!

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But no regrets for the many single/divorced adventures I enjoyed:

  • the engineer working in Khartoum I met on an airplane
  • the architect whose buildings are well-known big-city landmarks and who proposed within weeks (and lives two towns away now, oops)
  • the tempestuous Greek computer nerd who called his parents in Athens every morning
  • the Serbian in black leather trousers (really)
  • the ship’s engineer whose daily work was ferrying liquid sewage around New York City’s waterways

The people we date or fall in love with or marry or move in with are a road map of our own trajectory, of who we were then. I always wanted to be with men who were funny and smart and interesting, and I was lucky to have found them. And, I guess, for them to have found me!

I would never, today, choose the med student and saw enough red flags, mostly in his family, I should have just said no. The architect was way too bossy for me. The computer nerd finally admitted he needed medication but refused to take it.

Now, 25 years into my relationship with Jose (married since 2011), I know much better who I am, what I want most, what I value — and what I won’t tolerate. As does he.

Are you still in touch with any of your exes?

Two TV shows: must-watch “The Pitt”, skip “Surface”

On By broadsideblogIn entertainment, television3 Comments

By Caitlin Kelly

I admit, having a new HD SmartTV has only worsened my addiction to watching TV and films. One I’m still watching is amazing, one very much not — wishing I could get my 11 hours back!

If you remember the hit show “ER”, starring Noah Wyle, it was wildly popular, ran from 1994 to 2009. I enjoyed it, but am generally not a huge fan of medical shows. I had started seeing great reviews of The Pitt, starring Noah Wyle again — now 53, as Dr. Michael Rabinovitch — heading an overwhelmed ER in Pittsburgh with a horribly crowded waiting room and a lot of pressure from cost-cutting, profit-making management.

The show is in its first season, with 13 episodes, and has gotten praise on social media from fellow physicians, one of whom at least said he found the show too close to daily life to enjoy it.

I was married to a physician who I met as he graduated McGill medical school and was headed off to New Hampshire for four years of residency training in psychiatry. He taught me some of the ER lingo, like walls and sieves — walls being MDs who didn’t admit patients (!) and sieves who did. And GOMERS, patients they didn’t want — Get Out Of My Emergency Room.

As you might expect, there’s a lot of black humor and joking, much pathos and a lot of inside stuff, like the rigid hierarchy of intern, resident, attending (bottom to top.) Complain or question above your station at your peril! And yet, in one episode, it’s the smart intern who countermands an order and sees and solves the patient’s problem very quickly.

I was amused to see a test of mental functioning I recently had done to me — spell world and then spell it backwards — as part of one episode.

Here’s a story about it:

“Where ER was a very patient-centric show, this is a practitioner-centric show,” Wyle recently told Rolling Stone. “Everything reverts back to the toll that it takes on physicians attending to all of these worst days simultaneously.”

There’s something very fresh about that. And it’s particularly timely now, when so many healthcare workers are in crisis – feeling burnt out, bullied and undervalued in a world rife with disinformation. The show can occasionally be too didactic on these issues, with characters reciting stats and grand statements like they’re delivering a TED talk. But that shouldn’t stop you jumping in. If you haven’t watched yet, it’s an incredible (and incredibly harrowing) binge.

I won’t spend a lot of time on Surface but…whew. It was 11 episodes, confusing as hell and featured far too many images of Gugu Mbatha-Raw looking scared and/or wearing costly designer clothing and accessories or running through San Francisco in skimpy workout wear. The second season sends her back to her native England (don’t even ask.)

What have you seen recently that you loved — or hated?

A brief break!

On By broadsideblogIn behavior, life, travel, U.S.4 Comments
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We went to Woodstock, NY and their bakery Bread Alone is sooooo good!

By Caitlin Kelly

Just four days away from the apartment — but we are ready!

I’ve been working hard at PT three times a week since surgery January 7, now able to walk fairly normally, climb stairs, drive, even tie my own sneakers! So we’re heading upstate for 4 days’ R and R, nothing fancy. No hikes! We both still work at home, often on the phone or a Zoom, and it can get to be a lot with only two internal doors — the bathroom and bedroom.

It was perfect! We stay at an inn with a loudly rushing creek nearby, close enough to savor in deep chairs in the sunshine and enjoy at night. We heard a great guitar duet, Glass Hours, just back from playing an Irish tour and headed right back out to L.A. for more. We met an old friend for pizza. We bought two bags (!) of new books and enjoyed lunch at the legendary Phoenicia Diner.

I scored some fantastic vintage jewelry and lovely new FACE makeup in Hudson on our way home. We both feel refreshed.

I’ve been busy judging the Canadian National Magazine Awards (as has Jose) and we’ve made our final decisions for the winners of the Gold, Silver and Honorable Mention. We’re sworn to secrecy on all of it until June, but it’s been interesting to meet the other two judges, all Canadian, who I had never met before. Not surprisingly, a story I really didn’t enjoy prompted a heated defense of it by another judge — and vice versa.

We’re making all sorts of travel plans — three Ontario cities in June, ending in Toronto for my birthday. We’ve been chosen (!) to speak at a major travel conference in Ireland in mid September, all expenses paid. This is the first time we’ve both been invited to speak, so we’re really excited. I’ll go on to England and see more of London, possibly Cornwall and a visit to York.

Back to Paris in November. Travel is clearly our priority now — mobility without pain and crutches is so welcome!

An emotional week!

On By broadsideblogIn behavior, domestic life, life, Uncategorized, US12 Comments
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By Caitlin Kelly

I am damn glad this week is over.

Monday I was thinking about my bestie in B.C. getting knee replacement, checking in with her family. Wednesday my husband had a procedure to determine what’s causing his cough (likely an infection.) I made the effort, in a very long email, to express my real concern to a much younger friend I feel is leaving themselves very vulnerable financially — and got a two sentence reply. That was some wasted energy.

And 47 insists my native country, Canada, will become the 51st state, routinely referring to its Prime Minister as “governor” — in return, Trudeau called him Donald. For a Canadian, that’s really rude.

Add his insistence that Greenland is for sale, a ketamine-riddled chainsaw-wielding fool has access to our private information, the stock market plunge after tariffs were announced….awesome!

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Love this late afternoon light!

In happier news:

— the mornings once more start with birdsong!

— we’ve had temperatures into the 50s and even 60s

— an hour more of daylight starts tomorrow

— a neighbor who’s an interior designer is offering some time to help me think through my idea of creating a photo website marketing to designers.

— I have only one more week of physical therapy — my hip surgery was January 7. I now walk mostly normally, and can do stairs, and am back to spin class, desperate to shed weight I couldn’t dump when every single motion hurt so much. I still have to build up stamina and weakened muscles as it’s tiring to stand for long. No pain, which is so so so nice!

— One thing I’ve really missed is in-store shopping, even if all I mostly do is look and enjoy. I spent a very happy 90 minutes this week in Sephora and, having watched dozens of make-up/application/recommendation videos, finally felt more confident in my choices now that I belatedly know that using specific brushes (!) make an easy and huge difference to product application. They really keep adding new brands and new products, so it was helpful to know what to expect.

— we’re doing a lot of fix-ups around the apartment: some cracked/peeling bits of the ceiling (a disadvantage of living on the top floor), paint touch-ups, a new hand-held shower, a new smart TV (!!), a new small living room lamp and possibly three new wall sconces for our galley kitchen which (!?) has no vent for cooking fumes. One lamp is directly over the stove and the shade gets greasy, but the style I chose in 2013 (which I still love) means that cleaning it destroys that finish.

— Long lunch with a friend.

I hope your week was less emotionally taxing!