Month: July 2014

Things I love about my husband

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I love my husband.  I do.  I don’t always feel it, but that is marriage right?  So much is about making a choice to love.  And yes, I screwed that up totally.  I chose every little step that led me into the arms of another man, despite knowing better.  I can blame so many things,  but at the end of the day I made a choice.

And now.  I make the choice to give this my best shot. I choose to look at all his positives.   So – I love my husband because:

He is funny.  He always has a joke and can lighten a heavy moment.

He grows.  15 years ago (even 3)  I never thought he would be who he is today.  He has grown so much in life.

He is strong inside and out.

He is not scared to be himself.

He speaks his mind and speaks truth into people’s lives, but he covers it in grace and love.

He is an extremely hard worker and will do anything to bring the money in if we need it.

He loves me.  Yes.  Of that I have no doubt. 

He always sees the potential in people and pushes them to attain to it.

He is authentic.  No pretending.  He is who he says he is. 

He is better than me in so many ways, yet he always says he can’t do what he does without me supporting him.

He is a good Dad.  He loves all our brood and will do anything to protect them.

He makes things happen.  He isn’t just a talker, he is an action man.

He dreams.  Bigger, better – ideas aplenty!

I could go on!  He has become over the years a good man and he deserves so much better than me.  He has so much potential in his future.  He inspires me to be better, to find my niche and to work alongside him to fulfil amazing dreams. 

This is my husband.  And I thank him for striving to become the best he can be.  

 

Setting my mind on higher things….

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This whole affair this makes me feel like I have bi-polar.  I see it in my writing.  The swaying between what I had with Him and what I have with my husband.  The comparisons of how He made me feel and how I feel when I am with my hubby.  The ‘want’ to do what is right fighting the escape of what was so wrong.

The more I think of Him, the more I want those moments.  The more I want those moments, the more I retreat to them in my mind (since I can’t ‘have’ those moments).  The more I retreat, the more I rob my husband of more.  The more I rob him of more of me, the bigger the wedge between us.  The bigger the wedge, the more I escape to ‘Him’.  It can be a vicious circle.

I was thinking overnight and while I think it is a process of letting go and making good with my husband…. the best way I can see to do that is to try and set my mind on higher things.  Whatever is good, whatever is right, whatever is honest.  The more I look for the good in my husband, the less I should want to think about Him right?

Well… that is where today’s pendulum has me swinging.  I have done enough harm.  My husband deserves better from me.

 

 

Because of you…

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 I have loved, and been loved. Unconditionally.  Passionately.  Completely.

You awakened my soul

You released a powerful force that now lies within

Strength and Courage

Thank you for loving me

I will never forget

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Fading Memories

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Why do the memories fade so fast?

Three days ago I got to tuck my head under his chin,

breath in the smell of him

His arms around me, tender, gentle, seeking comfort, understanding, connection

My safe place… wrapped up inside those arms.  The only safe place I know

Saying goodbye, lips pressed gently against mine,

Two people, so much more than mere friends, yet less than lovers..

It was only an hour, just sitting and chatting… then

Watching him walk away – till I could watch no more

And now, now I can’t feel him any more

It’s all just more memories,

Just another goodbye

Him to his life, me to mine

It’s over, it truly is.. But I can’t help but wonder if I will ever feel again the way I feel with him

Complete, secure, accepted, and undoubtedly cherished

I can let go of him in my head, yet I hold these moments in my heart

For there is no one in this world who has left such an indelible mark on my life

I remain….

Forever changed ~  Changed forever

Destiny 2

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If you have read my other post on destiny https://conflictedlove.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/destiny/ you will know that life keeps pulling us back together.    After talking with him yesterday, I just have this overwhelming feeling that He is in my life for a reason…. That perhaps I have always been meant to be here for him for something.  Perhaps something he needs to learn, or something I can give him. 

I don’t think I have accomplished that yet.  I think I let feelings and emotions get in the way.  Now, now that we are on a much better playing field – perhaps I can accomplish the thing I was meant to  years ago. 

Alternatively, perhaps the reason life doesn’t seem to want to separate us is because He will always hold me back from accomplishing something better in my life…

Unanswered questions.  How I wish I could know the purpose of some things and people in my life!

Well that was interesting…

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I just spent an hour or so with Him. I didn’t know he was in town till this morning. We met at the airport before he flew back home. It was great. We still have that solid friendship we always had.

We were around thousands of people so there was never going to be any chance of anything untoward happening. We hugged, and kissed each other on the lips – Perhaps that is weird. It is like two friends who know each other intimately – which we do. But that’s where it ends.
I’m pleased I took a couple of hours off work. It was good to see him – good for him to chat about his Mum and her funeral. Good to see each other after the hurt from the last time we saw each other…and now he is on the plane home to his family.  It could be years till I see him again.

It seems our friendship is in tact.  Did I want more?  I’m not sure.  I’m content in being his friend.  Nothing can take that away. Perhaps we are the exception.  I don’t feel guilty, I don’t feel as though I am cheating, I don’t feel confused or tormented like I use to.  

Perhaps not every rule fits every circumstance. I just know that I  am more comfortable than I have been in years. 

Limbo Land

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I am no longer having an affair – I HAD an affair…. Of mind and body for 7 years.  Mostly mind as we only saw each other once or twice a year – we did make those moments count, but our lives are on differing sides of the country.  

So since I ended it, it has been quite the journey.  I guess I thought I could forgive myself and find my place again… Where I was (which was a good place) before the last time I slept with him.  But I can’t.  So I am not having an affair,  I am in limbo land.  

I can’t seem to move towards my husband emotionally and I am definitely not going back to him.  I care deeply about him. I care about my husband, but I don’t know I can do forever.  How do you settle for second best when you have had the best? (Even if circumstances weren’t the best).

If you have read my blog you know I am still in distant contact with Him. I am the 1% in his life.  Friendliness only, and mostly because of his Mum.  I feel as though I have left the obsession behind. 

Limbo land is actually better than being in the affair and dealing with the conflict in my heart and mind.   I guess after two months this is called progress!