and although
I was hospitalised
my mind hasn’t
returned to me
everything has
become a strain
life is now a big pain
my brain under stress
appears to have
collapsed
I don’t know
what will happen
to me
my happiness is
being washed away
with the rain
at home now
I sit staring
at things
and feel like
a thing myself
I don’t know
what I’m going
to do
more and more
I just feel that
death would be
better than life.
though when I raise my arms
for it to take me away
it quickly gets behind me
tapping me on my shoulder
and when I turn around
it’s not there
I have never cried so loudly
in my life
never been so bullied
so traumatized
so cheated
this world is fooling me
I cannot keep
my head raised
it falls onto my chest
there’s saliva flowing
out of my mouth
and so much turbulence
like I am in an aircraft
about to crash
it is so noisy
like mad music
entering my ears
along with jeeps
and bikes
and trumpets
and drums
and they are
dragging me
somewhere
it is like the end
of the universe
there are all
these sirens
and people
keep coming at me
and what am I
to do
but crash onto
the ground
screaming
and they have
tied me
but won’t come
when I call them
what do they want
will they sacrifice me
like an animal
and when I ask them
what they want
they laugh and cry
and I do the same
but I do not die
I’m just being pushed
and pulled
and all I can say is
I am finished
I am finished
I am finished
though I know
I am still alive
I am not dead
they just keep
changing my bed.
closing their lids
and withdrawing
into their sockets
they’ve seen too much
my mind which was pure
and crystal clear
has got clogged up
with all sorts of danger
I just can’t say
what will happen
and my heart
is scared
it is pretending
to be something else
it’s hurt too much
and my ears just don’t
want to listen to anything
they’ve heard too much
now death arrives
like a princess
on a mare
and kisses me
on the lips
taking my breath away
and before I can think
what a great way to go
I am gone in a blink.
take it easy
don’t get stressed
don’t worry so much
I tell myself
embrace the world
with open arms
relax and follow
your heart
wherever it
takes you
and if any adversity
befalls you
accept it
deal with it
however difficult
the situation
might be
be brave
there is no other
way to live
the option
is death
and why give up
without trying
so go Dominic
I tell myself
go.
full of lies
you make
life difficult
I choke at your
stranglehold
you are
a hangman
out to get
everyone
and we
fight you
till our death
of course
you finally win
but it is we
who have honour.
like bubble gum
drinking in
all it’s sweetness
and then it
spits you out
into death’s
garbage bin.
lunges towards me
it is an animal
I have never seen before
not a creature this big
almost covering
the sky
its colour ash grey
like death
its horns it now
points towards
my body
and there it is
on the attack
and I jump out
of the way
and the demon
with its evil
its idiocy
gets its head
buried in the Earth
and it can’t
pull it out
and I stand by
and watch
while the devil
thrashes about
till it is still
and disappears
as it dies.
rolling down my street
I’m so tired
my eyes are falling out
of their sockets
my body
is a heavy bag
I want to throw away
but life is
pushing me with
all its anger its hate
and I scream
stop it bastard
my weak arms flailing
I try to hold on
to the road
but I keep slipping
being kicked in the back
by existence
and now day and night
darkness and light
become one
until I’m thrust into
the roaring jaws
of death
and for the first time
I feel happy.
you make me want to whip you
I was in such a mess this morning
my brain kept coming out of my ears
and it was such a struggle to push it back in
I am still in pain my eyes cloud over
and blood starts flowing out of them
soon I can’t see anything and run
till I feel dizzy and fall
beginning to lose consciousness
I know my body is there
but it weakens and death
takes my last breath.
better than life
its hug is forever
its love never dies.
Dominic Alapat 