Just 1 Reason

This is my page, but I am His story. He’s writing me. Everyday He adds another mark, a word, a sentence, a paragraph. Eventually a page is done and something in my life makes sense. And then a chapter, and wow, it all starts fitting together. There have been words, and pages, and chapters…and suddenly I’m painfully aware recently that HE is the author. I thought I was. I really did. I thought He ever so kindly gave me His pen, His paper, and some inspiration, and the story was mine to write. Oh, He would give me some hints here and there for what needed to come next to keep the story moving in the right direction, but still, it was my story, right?

Well, suddenly I am amazingly and painfully aware that I am not the one writing the story. I am neither the hand that holds the pen, or the source of what dances on the paper. I am the paper. I am the ink. I am the picture and story on the pages that dances according to the song of the Artist and Author. I am HIS artwork. I a HIS creation. Fearfully and wonderfully created by Him.

I think I may have recently gotten a picture of the ‘fearfully’ part of this. He is asking me if He can write the story now. Every letter, every punctuation mark, every sentence. ./;… That little bit was added by Katie. I think that would be a prophetic confirmation though a two year old?!

This morning I had the thought that I think I am ready to let go. For good. Let go of me. I’m so in awe of the One who wants to hold me together now. And completely and thoroughly afraid. I have given over so much control of myself to Him. But there is this one part of me left. One part that I’ve held onto. And I really am so afraid to let go. Why? It has defined me for a very long time. Not that I “need” this definition. I am so ready to lose this part of the definition of me. So what am I so afraid of?

Losing my ability to be naked and not ashamed. Kind of ironic, when I think about the context of this process surrounding fat loss. Um, fat, naked, shame. Not fat, naked, no shame. But that’s not what I mean. I didn’t realize until this morning exactly what I mean. I finally put my finger on the fear. The reason I have tried so hard to shrink away from “success”. I have a book that I have seen in my spirit the results of it’s publishing, and the financial results. The results have God’s finger on them to say the least. Yet it still sits so neatly hidden in my computer, while a publisher has been waiting for my phone call for 3 weeks. I’ve had the word of God burning in me, His fire, His anointing. Yet until just a couple of weeks ago, I refused to preach. And I see the truth, the power, the ‘whammy’ the world has been waiting for…especially the body of Christ….the ‘God answer’ for a body laden in fat. Yet for a week I have stepped back out of that place of breathtaking truth that has set me free, and chosen to not yet take the ‘dose’ of what is offered. Why?

Because I’m afraid. His glory is quaking on my insides. It physically rattles me on the inside, feeling like I’m attached to an electric fence. His heart, His truth, is oozing in and over and around and through me like warm honey. He’s literally consuming me.

The fear?   The command. Or rather the result of the command. I’ve heard Him whisper it for years. It’s been buried like a hidden treasure in my heart for years. And He would like me to dig it out and brush it off now.

Arise, shine; for your light has come. And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you. The Gentiles shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising.

There’s so much more in that chapter. And I can’t even bare to go there. I can’t even finish writing it out. Every word is death. You would think every word would be rejoicing. I feel like it’s a call to a martyr’s pole ready to be set with fire. I don’t think many people really realize the cost of glory. Of His glory.

There will be nothing left between me and the hell on this earth except for the Glory of God. I’ve apparently grown quite sickeningly fond of my ‘fig leaves’. Fig leaves that keep me covered….my fig leaf called “hidden”.

What am I so afraid of losing?  My childlike heart. My childlike faith. My childlike love for Him. There’s so much I don’t share, don’t speak, but just keep so sweetly tucked between me and God. Because so many people want to mold me and make me into who they think I should be, what they think I should look like, what they think I should say and how they think I should say it.   See, I’ve been His poem, His painting, His song…..but with an audience of none. God has never created anything and kept it in the dark. And He’s telling me He doesn’t want to keep me there either.   He wants to share His song and let it dance on the ears of the broken, the lost, the hurting, the rejected, the dying.

But what I’m so unsure of is…will the song still be as beautiful, will the painting still be as breathtaking, when the rocks of judgment and the tar of control are thrown at them??

The Bible says the “Kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

I always thought the treasure represented the Kingdom. I don’t think that anymore.

I am the treasure. God is the man. The field is this earth. But He didn’t own the field. So He sold all that He had. His Son. To purchase the field….that held me, His treasure. And now that He owns the treasure, He wants to unearth it. He wants to clean if off and wash it and let it’s splendor and glory radiate for all to see. This process….

is the Kingdom. Thy Kingdom come…on earth as it is in Heaven. Jesus prayed that. Father, let the story that was painted in Heaven before time began, come to this earth as powerful and pure as it is before time began.

He’s standing over me, He’s dug the dirt from all around me, there’s just the “film” left directly on the outside of me now. He’s calling to me. He’s saying…Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.

I’ve been so protected, cared for, kept, loved, secure…in this dirt. But He’s calling me to arise. But I’m afraid. But I’m captivated. I’ve known His love that kept me hidden, and now He’s offering me His love that will shine from one side of me clear through to the other in so many different directions and facets that I will be a complete reflection and refraction of Him. I haven’t a clue what that means.

But I do know that this film on me has guaranteed rejection. Keeping the world at arms length. A barrier between the world and my heart. It’s a film called “not good enough” in my eyes, because of the appearance of my body. It has strangely been my own “self-disqualifier”. The only problem is, now He tells me that I’m not the one who qualifies me anyway. Jesus does. Jesus did. This outward film that I’ve trusted in is of no effect in His eyes.

I’m the very reason He bought the field to begin with. How can I deny Him? How can I reject His request? The price He paid was so high. There is no higher price in existence. How could He do that? Why? Why would He pay so much for me?! How can He find me so valuable? Why wasn’t it enough that He owned the field I have been engulfed in for so long?

I’m beginning to see why. The earth is falling away from me all on it’s own. The dirt, the film that I’m trying so hard to clutch around me, is dissolving with no effort of my own. How could this be? I begin to feel a washing. Warmth. Soothing. Cleansing. I look up and see a tree next to me. The dirt begins to clump and crust and cover the tree. And blood flows from it and washes me.

I’ve done nothing. Yet all of my dirt has ended up there. And light begins to penetrate my very being. But I’ve done nothing! What if I’m not ready?! What if I’m not good enough?? What if my simple heart is stolen away, snatched in hatred?? But I didn’t do it! I couldn’t do enough. But enough was done.

And I hear His voice once again. “Arise, shine, for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you. The Gentiles shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising……then you shall see and become radiant and your heart shall swell with joy…..and they shall proclaim the praises of the Lord.

It’s about Him. It’s about them. It’s about me. It’s His story.

Help me trust Lord. Help me trust that Your glory is enough, and that I will still be safe in your keeping while covered by Your glory. I’m so used to being covered in dirt. I am so sorry Daddy, that I’ve trusted the dirt more than Your glory. Father, I believe, help now my unbelief please.