Tag: heart

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

Spread Your Wings, Butterfly

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Does anyone remember this song when it first came out?

I remember the lyrics and melody touching me internally, yet I wasn’t able to relate. I had not gone through the hardships of life.

Yet, it seems when you have hardships tumbling down you find yourself surrounded in meaning.

So I understand if things were meant to be, eventually, it will return to me.

If not, then you were never meant to be mine.

I feel much better now, thinking about this.

So spread your wings, butterfly, and let go.

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It’s easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you’re
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were ment to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly, butterfly

I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t over flowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Once and for all…

Published on by Lavender12 Comments

I am trying to leave you behind just as you chose to do with me.

It’s so difficult to do because the fact remains you wish for me to wait for you.

This I know. Because you repeat this pattern every SINGLE time.

You expect me to wait for you while you go on about your life.

Sometimes I wish for you to feel the extent of my emotions.

Perhaps feeling them will make you feel something.

In the past, you stated pain was not what you wished for me to feel.

This was the main reason stopping me from telling you what I REALLY feel.

You ask me to tell you everything including my feelings for you.

Yet I always stopped short for fear of how you would react.

Losing you was my greatest fear.

So I bottled them up.

I pretended nothing had occurred and we resumed how we normally always do.

Your disappearance only served to plunge me deeper into the mysteries of your mind.

I binged on TV shows you gave me recommendations on.

I remember you telling me watching them will give me a better understanding of you.

Watching them only made me sad because I said why would he disappear on her since he loved her so?

You responded, “Because he knew she would never leave his side and he did not want her to waste her life with a man who would never die. He wanted her to have a normal, happy life with someone who would not disappear at a moment’s notice never to return.”

And I should have known better, right?

Yet I stuck by you, because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in the impossible. I wanted to believe your words.

Do you still remember your words?

“I wish for this to last for years and years. Many years.”

We lasted. Not many years, but many heartbreaking moments.

Moments that you and I both know will remain.

I don’t even know how long we lasted.

I haven’t officially cut the cord.

Nor did you.

But Silence did.

 

 

Silence

Published on by Lavender7 Comments

Your silence has stabbed me 

Repeatedly throughout the nights 

And days of the waking hour

Each puncture wound contains a 

Memory or thought of you or us

I find myself in agonizing pain

My broken heart involuntary squeezes 

Emotional hurt transcended into

Physical characteristics 

I ask myself why am I unable to release

This, this……..

Emotion 

Which I cannot even give a name

Causes such anguish 

Distraught 

Confused 

Conflicted 

Apathy

My mind tells me the facts

My heart tells me I’m attached 

Detach I must 

Deny no longer

Linger 

I Choose

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

I choose to no longer think about the past.

I choose to think of the future.

I choose to think of myself.

I choose to handle things on my own.

I choose my own life.

I choose to do what I want to do.

I choose and accept responsibility for my own actions.

I choose to love you and I accept it.

I chose love because it gave me hope.

Yet choosing hope only left me with disappointment.

And disappointment gave me abandonment.

 

~Lavender

My Sweet Daughter

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Dream:

My daughter and I are running all over the place, up and down the stairs. We are situated in a school out in the country. It is small, quaint, and peaceful, quiet.

As I am sitting down, my daughter drags me to another place. I hurriedly grab my purse, which had my wallet, phone and essentials. I actually knew in my mind that I would not have a chance to get back which is why I grabbed it before I followed her. We got up and ran up to the big, spiraling staircase. I can’t remember what happens here. But soon she whispers in my ear, “I will say I love you David.” to a boy she likes. I immediately tell her, “No, you will scare him. Just say I love you.”

~

That’s all I can remember as my dreams kept coming in and out that morning.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

~Lavender

Image

I love you, 😘

Published on by Lavender20 Comments

Welcome everyone !

This will be my blog filled with my life, loves, rants, and raves. At times I may be under whelmed and overwhelmed.

For my first post, I want to address what is the meaning behind the words of “I love you.” from a guy’s point of view. What makes them say it and why do they say it ?

My life at the moment is full of doubt and uncertainty. I’m beginning to question words but recognize actions….

Please feel free to comment and express yourself.

Thanks for stopping by !

Lavender