I actually learned a lot from the Buzzfeed article entitled, 30 Facts That Sound Like Bullshit But Are Totally True. I discovered that Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. I learned that hippo milk is pink. And I now know that Saudi Arabia imports camels from Australia.
You, on the other hand, will learn nothing from the following:
• While it’s true that Mr. Clean’s first name is Veritably, it’s not true that he gets super cunty at parties after just a couple beers.
• Armadillos almost exclusively give birth to other, smaller armadillos.
• A tomato is a fruit, a strawberry is not a berry, and One is not the loneliest number. It’s actually 4. It turns out, after 7 ate 9, he had a thing with 4’s wife. Eventually, she left him and now the two of them rent a little garden apartment in Venice where they sell their self-produced pilates videos on the boardwalk.
• After October, the NFL is ending their Breast Cancer Awareness campaign, forcing all flamingos to return to their original color, Mango Tango.
• Humans share 50% of our DNA with bananas. But bananas don’t share shit with anybody because – as everyone knows – bananas are assholes.
• Yes, an octopus has three hearts, but he is incapable of love after that long weekend on the Vineyard, and he’d really rather not talk about it.
• The dot over the lowercase i is called a tittle. The curve in the J is called a dickamajig.*
*Ironically, the word dickamajig contains both a tittle and a dickamajig. And also, that’s not irony.
Mike is happy. 
