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The nominees in the category of Saddest Song Ever are…
• Sad Song About A Roadie Who Almost Gets the Girl But Really Never Gets the Girl Because, You Know, Roadie.
• Sad Song About Being Married to Jack Nicholson.
• Sad Song About a Dead Dog by a Guy Who Kinda Looks Like Jesus.
• Sad Song About Having to Live Up to Someone Else’s Expectations, and Also I Never Realized How Hard it is to Type When Your Eyes are All Leaky.
• Sad Song About Everybody Totally Dying All Around You? WTF?!
• Sad Song About a Girl Who Runs Off into a Blizzard to Look for Her Lost Pony. Dummy.
• Sad Song About Being Woman. I think. I Don’t Know. Who am I to Say Anyway?
• Sad Song About Being a Dad That Isn’t Cat’s in the Cradle or that Other One by Cat Stevens, and this One has that Line that Kills Me: “You’re so much like me. I’m sorry.” Am I Right?!
• Sad Song About Jingle Bells but Not Really, but Man, That is a Sad Song.
• Sad Joni Mitchell Song About Life Passing Us By All Too Quickly and Let’s Just Skip this One Because We’re Both Crying Already.
• Sad Song that Should’ve Changed the World but Didn’t and How Sad is That? (See Also Sad Song with Best Quote By the Artist: “To be truly righteous, you offer love with a pure heart, without regard for what you’ll get in return. I had myself in that frame of mind. People were confused and needed reassurance. God was offering that reassurance through his music. I was privileged to be the instrument.”)
And now that we’re all sad and stuff, Here’s the Hughes Corporation. (You’re welcome.)
Mike is happy. 
