At home with Kodie

I got one.  Have been working on it for a month now, a very frustrating month.  I chide myself because I cannot be happy, do not allow myself to be happy until ______ is solved.  That is no way to live, but I do it all the time.  I did it for ten long weeks last winter after the microsoft layoff.  I want to learn to accept today for what it is with all it’s uncertainty.  But I can’t.  I want what I want when I want it.  I thought to myself, maybe I will be searching for an internship all summer and if be, so be.  To be present in the moment.  To be OK with today, as unresolved as tomorrow is, cause there is always something unresolved.

Now, how shall I celebrate?

cause it tells exactly how I feel.  From Elizabeth Esther:

Today I’m a wall of peeling paint, letting all the old layers come off. I’m stripping them down, trying to find what lies beneath. Here I am starting from childhood up:

1. Pastor’s grand-daughter: we called it “holding up the testimony.” What this really meant was: make Papa look good. The good? I have a driving determination to perform well. The bad? I struggle with feeling loved for just being me.
2. Missionary: as Christians, we were taught to be outward focused, to be ready “at any minute” to give reason for the hope within us. The good? I learned how to place others’ needs before my own. The bad? I struggle with guilt for taking care of myself.
3. Young wife: a “good, Christian wife” was obedient and submissive. Our church took this to an extreme. Wives were discouraged from ever saying “no” to their husbands. For any reason. The good? I learned to use respectful speech. The bad? I have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in personal relationships.
4. Christian mother: a Christian mother “trains her children in the way they should go.” I have written about the abusive methods I witnessed. The good? I’ve learned other ways of raising responsible, well-behaved children. The bad? When they fail, I take that as a reflection of my poor parenting.
5. Involved mother: I got trapped in the compare/contrast mode where I convinced myself that if only I cooked more organic food, read aloud more often, taught Sunday school, memorized verses, volunteered more, decorated for every holiday and homeschooled, I could achieve SuperMom status (and guarantee my children’s success). The good? I am an involved mother. The bad? I over-commit and feel like a collosal failure most of the time.

Ahh, the honesty.  Finding boundaries.  Realizing the church encourages none.

maybe cause I have to write for school, or maybe because we are remodeling our bathroom, or maybe because, well, I’d rather take pictures……project 365.     Spring has sprung.  I am still looking for an internship.  I have 4 weeks left of this semester and have enjoyed it immensely.  I want to plant tomatoes…..and care for other perennials in the yard.  I am not much of a gardener.

Trust is not demanding an answer to the questions of what to do months ahead.  Cause God does not owe me an immediate answer.  Cause we are not there yet.  So I will rest and enjoy today.  For today.  What is there good about today?   I go see my Lutheran preacher to fill out a form for an internship interview tomorrow.  I plant another rose bush, cause it seems I am always planting one.  I have 4 and they die off.  The hostas are off to a good start.  We are getting a riding lawnmower which is a blessing.   I am looking for a trampoline to engage the hooligans in summer.   Summer is coming.   Be very afraid.  Peace, out.