Archive for ‘love’

May 17, 2025

Romance

The sea was a bit more choppy today than usual. He was in his usual place at the back of the ferry. Holding the railing. Closing his eyes and taking in the biting fresh wind and the occasional sprays of cold salty water.

It was crowded today. He could feel someone standing beside, looking out rather than looking in, like most of the others.

The wind blew a few strands of hair his way. Touching his face. Like a piece of soft cloth. The strands were brown, he noticed through half open eyes.

He didn’t mind. In fact he was quite enjoying it.  They brought back memories. Of love and light. Of springs and summers. Of happier times.

The owner of the strand noticed. “I’m sorry”, she was saying, trying to brush off the unruly mass. He turned and looked at her. Soft twinkly eyes below the soft brown curls. She was still smiling.

“Don’t be”, he said. “I’m not”. He smiled.

August 20, 2024

The Beauty of…Nothing in Particular

Image

Its stopped raining now. Little drops of water are still sticking to the window. Little reflections of the world outside.

If I sit close enough to it, on the window bank or on the floor beside the window bank, I can see the road running along Millbay in the distance. There is an emergency vehicle of some sort parked there. The lights keep blinking – 1-2-1-2-1-2..No sound this far. Maybe because its parked. Or maybe because the soundtrack I have on loop on my headphones is cutting it off. Cinema Paradiso by Ennio Morricone.

When I had gone out to the Aldi a bit earlier, it was still raining. It wasn’t as bad as it looked from inside the house. I quite enjoyed it in fact. The drizzle was very light. Like someone blowing a refreshing spray of water in your face with a vaporizer (the barber shop ones). The breeze was also refreshing. It felt like the sea. It felt like it had travelled a long way over the sea. The light posts each seemed to be surrounded by their own halo of raindrops. Raindrops which were not falling down, just blowing around, in orbit around the lamps.

Its still officially summer. But I spotted the first autumn leaves today. Swirling around in the breeze. I was in the park with Adi. I was on leave today. His mom was in office. We got onto to the number 25 blue double decker bus we always use (although sometimes it is red) from the bus stop near home and got down at the West Hoe Park. It would have been quicker to walk – the stop was almost the last one before ours on a circular route. But Adi loves the blue double decker bus.

There is something calming about the swing. The repetitive motion. The repeating noise. There is a red and an orange toddler swing. For some reason Adi always want to sit on the red one. And its always the swing first. And then the slide. He has started not wanting to come home these days. But today I had to struggle less than the last few. We talked about red tigers and yellow elephants and orange lions on the way back.

Its almost twelve now. I don’t feel like sleeping. Its not often I get this feeling. Of how beautiful everything is. How beautiful my life is. Even though there is nothing special about it. Beautiful in its inconsequential-ness, in all its struggles and frustrations.

***

There was a painting my akar kaku drew once. A water colour. Something he created just in a few minutes. A man with an umbrella struggling along in the rain. The umbrella getting blown to the side in the wind. It was just a non descript man on a non descript road surrounded by some non descript trees and not descript lamp posts and non descript buildings. Most things were intermingling shades of blue and green and grey – as if they didn’t exist on their own. There was something beautiful about the picture of the ordinary. I don’t know how it came to mind after so many years. But it did somehow.

***

This feeling of beauty is something you can feel in your heart. Its bittersweet. Like the Cinema Paradiso soundtrack or like Cider House Rules. Its bittersweet. Like losing someone you love but remembering something about them and smiling inwardly. Its bittersweet. Like life…

February 24, 2023

The Tree and The Creeper

We were young
“We will reach for the sky together”, you had said
No one had said that to me before.
There were others, but no one had come close
No one had said “together” before
There were others, but I had been rooted to my spot
I was a tree after all, what else do you expect
No exactly great at going close
But you had come near, and the two of us had dreamt

Of reaching for the sky together.
That was your dream. Of putting down roots together
That had been mine
We had dreamt together, not knowing we were dreaming separate
We thought we could do both
How naïve we had been
We had thought love will make everything possible
How naïve we had been

We are no longer young
Though you don’t like hearing that
“Age is all in the mind” You say
But I can feel it my branches
The weight of unfulfilled dreams, yours and mine
My roots grow weak, the roots I once wanted to return to
And the sky grows grey, the sky you once wanted to touch

We are no longer young, but still we soldier on
Now more than ever. For the sake of the little one
Passers by see us.
See, how beautiful. They say.
Growing old together. So much in love
And we forget for the moment
And think yes, how beautiful
Growing old together. The two who never really met
The tree and the creeper..

May 6, 2019

[Fiction] Picnic

The sudden violent gust of wind almost knocked him off his feet. And then, as if to give him one more warning, the first of the lightnings started flashing in the distance. Jagged white lines splitting the low inky black clouds, followed a second two later by the deep rumbling, crackling thunder.

A few brave seagulls were still flying about, their cries now mixing with the howling of the wind. The cheerful blue green sea of the morning had turned a mysterious and threatening dark blue. Wave after wave was pounding the rocks, turning into white spray, like a million tiny teeth trying to eat up the earth.

We have to go back now. He said. We will get cut off.

We can’t. We are already cut off. She had been standing facing the sea, watching the waves, but was looking at him now. Her face impassive. But he felt as if he could detect something in her eyes. He had noticed her eyes even in the morning when he had first seen her on the beach. It was as if there was a deep sadness hidden behind those pale grey eyes. It had been there even when she was laughing and smiling in the morning. But now there was something else. He couldn’t recognise what it was. But it seemed to remind him of something he couldn’t quite place his fingers on.

***

She was beautiful. That was the first thing which had struck him when he had seen her walking along the beach in the morning. Barefeet. Walking along the line where the waves were coming up to. Some just falling short of her feet. And some gently kissing them with their last breath.

Not the kind of beautiful you would see in a movie, or adorning the pages of a magazine or billboard. But a different kind of beautiful. A kind of pure and innocent and sacred looking beauty. It made him remember of the time he had gone on a trip to a ski resort and in the night, after everyone else had fallen asleep, walked out by himself on the icy slopes of the mountain and had seen the Himalayas all around him, glowing in the silent starlight.

She was the kind of beautiful that made his heart stop and his stomach tighten.

He had struck up a conversation. He didn’t know how. Striking up conversations with people he didn’t know, and that too beautiful girls, were not what one would call his forte. Maybe it was the way she smiled at him when she had looked up and seen him staring. Maybe it was the realisation that if he didn’t, he might regret it for the rest of his life.

Anyway, he had managed to start talking and then it had seemed easy. As if he had known her all her life. He had guessed, rightly, that she wasn’t from here. She was staying somewhere nearby for a few weeks. Probably the village down the road, he had thought. The one where he had stocked up in the morning for the day’s walk.

It was her day out walking too. She wasn’t exactly going in the same direction as he was but then, he didn’t mind. The whole areas was so beautiful. And she had mentioned about this secret island she had found. Just a mile from the coast. At low tide you could walk to it, over a narrow stretch of rocks.

It had taken them a couple of hours to reach the island. He had enjoyed chatting with her. Walking with her. She had seemed friendly; and interested. He had told her a lot about himself. She had told him a little. She liked travelling and walking. She liked desolate places and she liked the sea. Just like him. She also liked picnics.

She had a boyfriend once but lived alone now. Something had happened to him. She didn’t elaborate. He didn’t push. He had been secretly pleased to know that she was single now

He had been very aware of her. Of her body which he could almost see under that translucent white beach dress she had been wearing. It had left most of her shoulders and back bare. And he could see the little beads of sweat forming and making her skin glisten in the sun.

He had been very aware of her. Of the low huskyness of her voice. Of her hair, which the wind was sometimes blowing into his face, giving him a faint taste of her smell. A smell which seemed vaguely familiar.

The side of the island which faced the coast was nothing much to look at. Just like lots of those other jagged rocks which dotted the coastline in these areas. Some just a single rock, some bigger, big enough for a colony of what seemed like thousands of seagulls. From the coast this looked like one of those slightly bigger ones.

But if you came close enough to this one, you realised that it is not just a rock jutting out of the sea. But a proper island. Tiny. But still an island. And with traces of human habitation. You could see a series of almost imperceptible steps cut into the rock face, leading to the top. And when you reached the top, you were in for a surprise. Halfway down the rock, on the other side, shielded from the coast, was a little lighthouse (or at least what looked like the remnants of one). And then if you went down, there was this perfect little cove. Horse shoe shaped, with sand in between and rocks at the end of the horseshoes, almost cutting off the sea and creating a lagoon. The water was shallow and clear, you could see the bottom in most places.

They sat down on the beach, on a big towel she had in her bag. He was already quite hungry and gulped through half of his sandwiches. Leaving the rest for later. She didn’t want any. She was on some sort of a weird keto diet. Only meat. And that too once a day, in the evening.

She had got her book out and turned over, lying on her stomach.

He didn’t know what to do. It was an unusually warm day. And humid. And with very little breeze. He should have checked the weather before leaving. He was feeling hot and sticky in his jeans and T-shirt. The sea looked so inviting.

She seemed to guess what was on his mind. Go on, take a dip. The water here is usually nice and warm this time of the year. She had said.

Would love to. But I wasn’t actually planning on swimming today. Didn’t bring my trunks.

Go without them. Don’t worry. I won’t watch. And I don’t think anyone else will come here today. She had said in a slightly playful , teasing voice.

He had gone behind the rocks a bit further down the beach to take off his clothes. Furtively glancing back once or twice to see if she was watching. He had wanted her to watch. He wasn’t exactly proud of his body. But he was all right, not muscular but athletic, definitely not in the “a few extra pounds” category.

She hadn’t seemed interested. Still buried in her book when he had walked into the water naked. Not even glancing up once. Maybe it was just his imagination when he had thought she might be attracted to him. He had felt a little disappointed. And a little angry with himself.

The water had been worth it. Cool. Refreshing. And so unusually calm. He must have stayed in the water for at least an hour, if not more. Finally when he had come out and walked back to the rocks where he had left his clothes he had felt a moment of panic. His clothes were gone.

Hey, I have kept them here. She was sitting up now. Watching him. Patting his neatly folded pile of clothes which were beside her now. You kept them too close to the water. The sea could have carried them away. And as much as I am enjoying watching you now, I’m sure you wouldn’t like to walk back to civilisation like this. She said. Laughing now. With a twinkle in her eyes.

So you were watching me. He had said. He could feel himself getting excited. He had to cover his private parts with his hands. She was still looking at him.

Isn’t that what you wanted? She had said, throwing a towel at him. To dry yourself. And cover your modesty. And don’t get any ideas. Naughty boy!

She had seemed much more cheerful and flirty to him now than in the morning. But nothing much had happened. After teasing him a little about his sexy bum she had gone back to her book. And he had finished the rest of his sandwiches (she still refusing to have any) and had fallen asleep beside her. In his dreams he felt as if she had taken his head in her lap and was gently stroking his hair. And crying silently. Drops of tear slowly rolling down her cheek and falling on his face.

He had woken up with a start. It wasn’t tears. It was actually a drop or two of rain which had started falling and had woken him up. The sun had gone. The wind had picked up. Everything had become darker, colder. He had stood up with a start and when the sudden gust of wind had almost knocked him off his feet.

***

Why didn’t you wake me up before? We should have left much earlier. He had almost shouted at her. He felt angry. Angry at himself. Angry at her. And then felt ashamed for shouting.

I had fallen asleep too. And don’t worry. We can take shelter in the lighthouse. This should blow over soon.

It hadn’t blown over. If anything, the storm had only intensified. By the time they had made their way to the lighthouse, it had become almost become pitch black. Except for the occasional flashes of lightning. The thick stone walls of the lighthouse had kept the wind out but the it had no roof and very soon the rain had started drenching them. And then the waves had started rising.

As he had started growing worried, started shivering a bit in the cold, she had come closer to him. Hugging him. Taking his clothes off and drawing him into her warmth. She smelt sweet. Mesmerising. He had got a faint hint of the smell before. In the morning when the wind had blown her hair over his face. But now it had seemed to grow much stronger.

He had recognised the smell now. It was the smell of the Raat ki Rani flower. The queen of the night. There used to be a tree near his home. The flowers would bloom at night and drop off before dawn, forming a white carpet below the tree. His mother would warn him not to go near the tree at night. The flowers are dangerous. She would say. They attract snakes.

The waves were lapping at the base of the lighthouse now. It wouldn’t be very long before most of the island would be under water. He thought to himself. But yet he was feeling oddly calm. As though this was happening to someone else. As though a part of his brain knew what was happening but the part responsible for generating fear had just stopped functioning.

The sweeness of her smell was almost overwhelming. She had drawn his head into her breast, caressing him in their milky smoothness. She had her legs wrapped around him now. He was on her and inside her. They moved in unision, rhythmically, as she tried to pull him more and more into the wetness and warmth between her legs. As the water started touching them, he felt oddly happy, even ecstatic.

The last thing he ever saw was her face, when a sudden burst of lightning lit everything up for a second. She was looking at him. And he know knew what it was he had seen in her eyes earlier but couldn’t quite recognise. It was pity. She had tears streaming down her face, just like he has seen in his dream. And she was looking down at him with a mix of love and pity.

The last thing he ever heard was her moan, as he felt himself draining into her. And then he felt the warm stickiness of his own blood as her fangs drove deep into his neck.

***

With a sudden cracking sound and a flash of fire, something rose up into the sky, and then disappeared before one could blink one’s eyes. Almost as if it was never there. The commotion woke up a few hundred seagulls from their slumber. The only witnesses. No people around for miles. The seagulls settled down after a few minutes and once more the only sounds you could hear were the howling of the wind and the crashing of the waves.

April 16, 2018

Fiction: Late

Two months left Rudro. Just two months. What you do in these two months will determine the rest of your life. And with that, his mom signed the test score card from the maths tuition teacher and handed the paper back to him.

Rudro sat staring at the paper for a couple of minutes. It wasn’t a bad score by any means. He had passed comfortably. And this was just a mock test. The boards were still two months away. The engineering entrance exams a month after that. But Rudro knew this wasn’t enough. With a score like this, he wouldn’t get on the merit list any of the engineering colleges he wanted to. And his parents weren’t rich enough to pay for the management quota.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world. Lot’s of people had successful careers without getting into one of the top engineering colleges. He was sure he would as well. He would find a fallback option, if it came to that. But it would mean the end of his dream. The one he had spent the last couple of years pursuing. All those times when he could have gone out for a movie with friends but didn’t. All those nights he had pushed himself to keep awake for an hour more when he would have given anything just to lie down in his bed and go to sleep.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world but it would be the end of his dream. And he didn’t have a fallback dream.

This can’t go on. I have to concentrate. I have to do this. 

I have to forget about her.

And yet a part of him knew he couldn’t. Even if he wanted to. It was like being caught in a current, getting pulled towards the waterfall, growing stronger and stronger, dragging him further and further away from the bank.

The funny thing was it was probably all in his head. It wasn’t as if she was his girlfriend. Girlfriend. I can barely even speak to her.

Why did God have to make him so shy. The only complaint his teachers ever had of him was he was too quiet, too introverted. And it was worse with girls. His entire school life he could barely remember having any conversations with girls on anything other than studies, and that too when initiated by the girl.

To be honest, he had never been that interested. And he was sure the girls in his class were not that interested in him either. After all he didn’t have anything which the girls seemed to be attracted to. He sucked at sports of any kind. He couldn’t play any musical instrument. He wasn’t good at entertaining people with stories or jokes or imitating the teachers behind their backs. He was like the neutrino in social situations, hard to detect because of such limited interactions with other particles. Invisible, for all intents and purposes. The only time  some of them seemed interested in him was when the test results were out, to know how much he had scored, to know where they stood in relation to the “first boy”.

And yet, she was different. She tried to talk to him about other things when they were in the tuition class together. She smiled at him, that brilliant smile of hers which seemed to punch a hole in his heart and leave him gasping for breath.  Maybe she did it with everyone. She was just friendly. Friendly and popular. Maybe any boy she interacted with him felt the same way, felt as if he was special to her.

But Rudro was convinced that she did like him. Why would she join all the same tuition classes as he was otherwise? Why take the same electives? Why make eye contact with him and smile at him for what seemed like a fraction of a second more than she did with others? Why, when in the other day in the class when she was sitting beside him and his leg accidentally brushed hers, she didn’t draw her away? Why? Why? Why? There were so many little why’s which seemed to indicate that maybe, just maybe the most beautiful, the most popular girl in the school liked him.

But Rudro had no way of finding out. If he was anyone else in class, it would have been quite simple. His friends would have done it for him. But Rudro didn’t have any friends. At least not anyone who was close enough to him who he could share his secrets with. It had always been like that with him. He was a bit like an onion, with layers in him, and not many people knew about the inner layers, maybe his parents knew more than others but there was so much even they didn’t know.

No, he couldn’t depend on any others. If he had find out, he would have to do it on its own. And he didn’t have any time left either. He had kept pushing it and pushing it. He had been afraid. Afraid, of getting humiliated in front of everyone in class if it was all just his imagination, of being the frog who had tried to kiss the princess. But tonight was his last chance. School had already closed for the study break before the boards. Tonight was the last tuition class they would be together in. After tonight, the only time he would see her would be two months later, during the board exams. And after that, who knew, maybe he would never see her again. Maybe tonight his life would change.

**

He had read somewhere, if you really want something, the whole universe conspires to get it for you. Maybe it was true. Maybe the universe was conspiring in his favour. No one else had turned up for the tuition class. It was only Rudro and her. He would talk to her today. On the way back. It was a couple of minutes walk back from the maths sir’s house to the bus stop. A couple of minutes was enough for him.

He couldn’t concentrate. She was sitting beside him. He could smell the light floral perfume she always seemed to wear. Math’s sir was trying to give them some advice on differential equations. Something about a complicated problem which was in last years board papers. He tried to listen but somehow it wasn’t making sense to him. She seemed distracted as well. He kept looking at the watch. Why was it taking so long to become seven thirty.

Finally it was time to leave. They got out of the house together. Rudro could feel his heart hammering in his chest. It had started drizzling a little. He didn’t want to hold back any longer. I want to ask you something M. I hope you won’t be angry with me. I want to know..Do you like me M? Can we ever be..

He felt a sense of relief. As if some great weight had lifted from him. And she didn’t seem surprised. Looking at her eyes, he could see she understood. Maybe she had sensed it all along. But more than anything, she seemed sad.

You are a bit late Rudro. We are going away. After the board exam. My family is moving to the US. 

He couldn’t say anything else. Not when she took his hands in hers and they walked to the bus stop together. Not when her bus came. Not when she hugged him and said maybe we would meet again Rudro. Not when he lost sight of her face pressed to the bus window looking back at him while he stood there alone in the rain.

It was only when she left that he seemed to regain his senses again. The rain had picked up now. The water was warm, almost comforting. Rudro had never felt this was before. The pain felt almost sweet. He didn’t want it to go.

He decided to walk home in the rain..

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