I hope you’ll forgive me, I have actually been ignoring you… a little bit. My life has been so full!
I remember a time when I couldn’t leave WordPress for more than a few hours… So addicted to your words, your comments, your likes and your pictures. My Husband used to make jokes about my inability to be present in real life. I wrote nearly constantly, coming up with new ideas and thoughts every day. I was attached to my phone, my lifeline, the source of my drug. But something has changed lately.
I could probably count on my hands the number of times I picked up my phone over the weekend. In fact, I left it in my purse most of the day yesterday.
I am here. I’m simply present in the real world. I am absorbed in the construction of my growing family, my marriage, and my life, which had apparently and embarrassingly bored me last year…
I’m healing and growing and loving and being. I’m wonderful. I’m NOT pretending.
I’m no longer wallowing in the self doubt and depression that I think has fueled a lot of my writing and desire to connect with others. Or to lose myself in the words of others.
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I have moments. Standing in Wal-Mart shopping for Father’s Day cards, I had one.
My little man picked out the best card for his Daddy, all by himself. He even helped me choose between two that I really liked, from me. Helping me in that way that only kids can, to see… really see.
Then, I decided to pick out a card from my little, unborn flower. And looking through all these cards to Daddy, from baby girl… which held a different meaning for me, I couldn’t help but think about the dynamic I long for, to be His sweet girl and snuggle in His lap where I can feel cherished and taken care of. To have Him direct me and guide me. To have consequences and rewards. To feel that ownership and revel in my ability to make Him feel like a million bucks, like a king, because of my complete, unconditional devotion to Him.
I started to cry. Thank goodness I’m pregnant and have a built in excuse for my emotions…
It was silly. I’d just had an exchange in comments during the week with Vile about submitting to my husband in order to bring out his Dominance and build him into the Dom I so desperately want. He was honest and told me it rarely works. That married men don’t often convert into the lifestyle because they don’t want all that work or simply aren’t interested. I thought about another exchange in comments that I’ve been having with DieCast which has had me concerned that I’m a chore and a drain. That I’m just one more job Husband has to do… to take care of… to worry about… to “deal with”. I want him to want to do all of those things, but then I feel bad about all of that.
The sickening need to control every situation so that I don’t lose him blends with the clingy, neediness of being just a little girl, deep down in my heart, and creates that toxic mix of self-hatred and uselessness that has eaten away at me for years.
I started to spiral. Thinking about missing or lost connections, wondering if maybe I won’t ever have what I want. That maybe I’ll always have to pretend that things are good, but I won’t ever be satisfied. How selfish I am to have all these thoughts. How selfish I am that I long to be controlled when he does so much already.
I started to pick apart the good, looking for the bad… A horrible habit of mine, at least when it comes to myself.
But… something amazing happened.
I stopped it! I thought about how lovely things have been during the last few weeks. I thought about the life growing within me as I watched my little man reading cards to himself. I thought about the fact that I celebrate this holiday in a home filled with joy and love, when so many don’t because of absent or abusive fathers. I thought about how lucky I am. And I decided to just be grateful. I spent the next few minutes thanking God for everything I could think of, that was good and sweet and pleasurable in my life right now… And I stopped the spiral.
I continue to be grateful. Throughout the weekend, I found ways to appreciate him and delight in him. I saw things I think I often miss. I asked him if I was a chore, and he squeezed me and told me I was a pleasure.
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And my sweet, handsome, amazing husband was downright exciting. I don’t know if it’s because of what I’m doing. I don’t know if he’s just decided to be more affectionate, playful and in command. I don’t know if my shift in attitude is simply making me more approachable or what.
But the delicious swats on my bottom, his arms wrapping around me from behind, the yummy kisses on my neck, the flirtation, the rough kisses and his effervescent “Daddiness”… It can’t just be coincidence, right?
I hope I can keep this up. I catch myself in eye rolls, and hear tiny, disrespectful things pass my lips too often. I’m not mean and I’m not a nag, but I’ve been iced by the society we live in and I truly have to fight with the habits that cold hardening has created. I apologize, as soon as I hear myself say something out of line. I try to reprimand myself with the knowledge that, if I tear him down, he cannot and will not lead.
The world does enough to tear men down. A man needs his wife to be his shelter, the place where he is showered with praise and affection, not drowned in the consequences of his mistakes or ridiculed for his choices. When I think back to specific times where he has made me feel stupid or useless (unwittingly, mind you, because he is NOT an abusive man), it has surely been in rebuttal. Response to personal attacks from me.
No, I’m not mean. Far, far from it. Most people who know me personally would describe me as sweet and kind. But I haven’t been completely respectful. My resentment for several things got in the way of that. Recognizing that resentment as poison and acknowledging that I didn’t have to drink it was the turning moment for me.
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So, I’m currently carried away in my life. My inspiration isn’t completely absent, just hovering there below the surface. As much as I want to create and write and fantasize… I don’t want to dwell on what I don’t have, but instead, revel in what I do have.
A very full life with an amazing man who is brilliant, handsome, funny, sexy and could be a professional kisser, if there was such a thing. A man who makes me feel like the sun just might shine right from inside my heart. A man who is an incredible husband, daddy, provider, protector and the best lover I’ve ever had.
I’m living a blissfully full life that I’m incredibly grateful for!
pushing our limits 
