Paradigm Shift

Posted on September 21, 2007 by Tommy

Recently, I went to pick up a gift for my girlfriend. It was a gift certificate to a fancy-schmancy lingerie store that she, “just so happened” to mention she liked a lot. I got the hint, her birthday was coming up, and off I went.  

So, I arrived at the store and was immediately pegged by the sales staff as, “a guy that needs help”. The help arrived in the form of a particularly well endowed young woman who, for some reason or another, seemed to enjoy bending over while wearing a low cut top and a push up bra. Now, here’s the odd thing. Normally, if a woman bends over in front of me (especially if it’s repeatedly and the cleavage is glorious), I’m totally going to look. I’m a guy, what can I say? I know that women never dress on accident and if cleavage is showing to that extent, it’s done on purpose. The thing is that, the first thought that went through my head wasn’t, “hey look, boobies! Ya for boobies!” like normal. It was, “why is she showing me her boobs?”

At that very moment, I got a bit scared. I got scared because I realized my entire paradigm for living had shifted from “boobies are fun” to “just my girlfriend’s boobies are fun” without my direct and conscience consent.

WTF?!

What have I become? I went from a happy-go-lucky-man-about-town to being in a serious, committed relationship in like, no time flat. I went from enjoying boobies in a wide variety of shapes, forms, sizes and presentations to just enjoying one particular pair.

How did that happen?

Why did that happen?

When did that happen?

Why am I glad that it did happen?

What I think this means, at least I hope that it means, I’m finally growing up. That I have matured to the point where I can truly appreciate all the subtleties and nuances in one pair of breasts and no longer need to see as many as I can. I think this means that I’m finally becoming an adult. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. I still use the word “poo” and think that farts are funny. Rome wasn’t built in a day and me becoming a full grown adult is going to take some time.  

Filed under: Dating, Humor, Life, Personal | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Dating me isn’t easy

Posted on September 8, 2007 by Tommy

Her “Do you think that it’s true about men being more like dogs and women being more like cats?”

Me “Um, I think dogs are like dogs, cats act like cats, men act like men and women act like women.”

Her “Okay Smartass. What I mean is that women tend to be a bit more aloof and mysterious, kinda like cats. Men tend to be a bit more upfront and obvious, like wagging their tails and stuff”

Me “Ya, I don’t agree. You can’t relate women to cats and men to dogs. Besides, different species you know?”

Her “Really?”

Me “I’ll tell you what, when I see a woman sit on the T.V. and lick her own ass in front of everyone, then I’ll agree.” 

Filed under: Dating, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity, Relationships | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Where’d I go?

Posted on August 16, 2007 by Tommy

Hi! Just a quick little post about what I’ve been doing with my time away from WordPress. I don’t really have time to go into all of the details, but here’s a quick overview.

  •  I got an apartment where the complex manager is really cute. 
  • Something wacky happened with one of my rent checks (not my fault BTW)
  • I helped straighten out the problem
  • I told her that she owed me a cup of coffee for the help
  • She ups it to beers (COOL!)
  • I up it to dinner
  • We go out and have a great date
  • We go out again, even better date
  • A few more dates
  • I’m totally convinced that I’m going to marry this woman. 

Yep, that’s right, I’m in love. The funny thing is that, I thought I knew what love felt like. I believed that I knew what it was all about. Turns out, I was wrong. Everything that I have experienced before, that I considered to be love, turned out to either be “like a lot” or some sort of emotion brought on by excessive horniness.This is different.With one simple little kiss, I knew that she was the one for me. My “One and Only” that I’ve been hoping to find, but never really thought that I would.  I know it as well as I know anything.I used to think that people were full of crap when they would tell me “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or that “There’s someone out there that’s perfect for you”. That they were just being nice and trying to encourage me to keep on looking. I never thought that they were serious or that they could actually be correct. Lucky guess on their part? Who knows.The only down side to this is that I totally wasted about $70 buck on Match.com. I wonder if I can get a refund?   

Filed under: Dating, Life, Personal, Relationships | 10 Comments »

Take a second, think about it, babies can’t fly.

Posted on June 8, 2007 by Tommy

So, I’m on this plane and there’s this kid, screaming his ass off…FOR AN HOUR!

I’m sitting on the aisle, trying to drown out the tantrum with my iPod blasting the band, TV on the Radio, and it just isn’t working. For a mini kid, he had a fully developed set of lungs and apparently, some form of mutated vocal chords that allowed him to scream at each audible frequency, simultaneously.

Talented? Yes.

Annoying? You bet.

Some of the people around the aisle starting talking about the situation and what they would do if it were their kid disrupting the flight. Now, to be fair, I’m sure the Mother was mortified and doing the absolute best she could to handle the situation. When a kid gets his mind set to screaming, there really isn’t that much anyone can do about it.

A few people said they would walk the kid around the plane and a few suggested animals crackers as a bribe for good behavior. One lady suggested, in jest, that a gin and tonic would help (she seemed like that type that was more than familiar with the results of a gin and tonic). When people turned theirs heads to me and asked what I would give him, I without thinking said, “A parachute would work”.

Nobody got that I was joking.

So now I have a screaming kid on a plane, I’m exhausted from my trip, semi deaf from my iPod and everyone that heard me say the word parachute, thinks I’m the type of guy that would actually toss a kid out of a airplane.

ImageI’m no doctor, anthropologist or aerodynamics expert, but I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that babies, toddlers and mini kids are not capable of flying under their own power. Tossing a kid out of plane would just be wrong, plain and simple. Sure, I did say that I would give him a parachute, but the kid wouldn’t weight enough to make something like that practical, let alone safe. Seriously, some 40 pound kid floating to the ground in an adult sized parachute would have a strong possibility of catching a cross wind and being blown to who knows where. Not to mention that fact that high voltage power lines, trees, buildings, other aircraft and carnivorous birds of prey that catch their meals mid air would all be serious obstacles to a safe landing. Handing a kid a parachute at 35,000 feet, traveling at 600 miles per hour and tossing him out into the wild blue yonder just would not be a good idea. It would be the exact opposite of a good idea, which is a bad idea.

So, I didn’t think before I opened my yap and now, everyone is looking at me with utter disgust and contempt. A small hush kinda came across the cabin of the plane and the people who heard me were all thinking, “Did he really say…that?”. Yes, I did say that and I know I shouldn’t have. Whenever you give other people the opportunity to jump onto a heard of moral high horses, they are going to take that opportunity and run with it. It’s just they was it is and I know that better than anyone.

The good thing is, the change in the mood of the plane was just enough to pique the screaming kid’s attention enough to distract him from his would record attempt at piercing ear drums. He looked around, then looked at his mom and fell asleep.

So, maybe my parachute idea wasn’t so bad after all?

Filed under: Blogging, Funny, Humor, Life, Personal, Random acts of stupidity | Tagged: , , , | 26 Comments »

You know what they say about assumptions.

Posted on June 1, 2007 by Tommy

Me: “Excuse me, I’m not really sure how to put this politely, but…”

Her interrupting me: “Fuck! I don’t want to be hit on again. I’m just out with my friends, trying to have a good time and you assholes won’t leave us alone. Do I look like a whore? Do I have ‘I’m easy’ written on my forehead? What is it with you guys?”

Me: “Actually, you don’t look like a whore and I’m guessing that you aren’t easy. I do know that you wear thong underwear though because your skirt is tucked up into it and everyone can see your ass.”

Here’s the funny part. I’ve actually had this conversation, more or less, twice. The first time I got slapped in the face. The second time I dated the woman for about a year.

Such is my life.

Have a great weekend everyone. I’m off to the Chicago area for a week on a business trip.

Filed under: Blogging, Dating, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity, Relationships | 7 Comments »

Someone needs a damned hug.

Posted on May 29, 2007 by Tommy

So, I’ve been getting these E-mails lately from someone that I’ve apparently pissed off. Actually, they are E-mail notifications of comments that require moderation from WordPress.

Now, as some of you may know, I have my settings set up so that, once I approve one of your comments, you’re free to comment as much as you want to without moderation. In this case, the authors (or authors) of these comments tried to slip these by by using fake names and E-mail addresses. I stopped looking for the Whois trail when I figured out that these messages either originated in California, or entered the U.S. networks through one of Google’s ports in California.

Instead of approving them so that everyone can see the shit I get in my inbox, and why sometimes I just don’t bother reading my messages, I just decided to copy and past them as blockquotes.

From “John Wayne”

Comment:
well, you might start with a spine and a better heart.

nah, that won’t do it for you either

From “Bob Smith”

well, it’s true, illiteracy hasn’t stopped you from blogging.

perhaps ten broken fingers would help.

whaddaya think, you scum?

how’s sara?

never mind, i don’t care

pussy

From “Ralph Cramden”

yes, if anyone deserves to hit by a bus- full of love ….or merely some driver in training- it’s you.

but tell it to your social worker.. or share your samsara with some sara.

me? i’d like to help run you down, ’cause i just know the ladies are missing out on a cowardly creep such as your bloodless self

any thoughts , pussy?.

i thought not.

speak up, fool

something stuck in your craw, taking up the vast space where my boot should rightfully be?

and your publicist promotes you as such the outspoken rugged individualist.

i guess that’s only when in the complete safety of anonymity, and a few of your pals, taking pot shots at harmless targets, sighted in your cross-hairs of accountability, and while you are at no risk of return fire or being subject to your own accountability.

to me, that is a textbook example of a coward and a sychophant.

what do you call it.

nevermind. you’re unqualified to comment

Now, I know of at least one person out there that I’ve totally pissed off recently. I was a total jackass for doing what I did and I cannot come up with anything to justify my actions. Trust me, I’ve tried to get the words together to explain myself, but I just don’t have a leg to stand on. I was wrong and mean for reasons I’m not even too sure of. The thing is, even though this particular person would be totally justified in sending me messages like this, they haven’t done so. They just have way too much class to do something like this.

So, the one person that deserves to send me these things doesn’t and some whack job, who I haven’t done anything to, does. Is it just me or does that not make sense?

Filed under: Blogging, Life, Random acts of stupidity | 27 Comments »

My biggest regret

Posted on April 11, 2007 by Tommy

When I was just a mini kid, there was something in my life that gave me pretty much all of the things I want in my adult life. This something was going to Willie’s Wee-Nee Wagon with my dad and my brother.

It was our special thing, my mother and sisters never went. We would hop into the car, buckle in and take a quick 10 minute trip to go get some hotdogs. There wasn’t anything particularly special about these hotdogs. No magic ingredient that made them any better than your standard hotdog. They weren’t exclusive or expensive. Nothing that would make them out of the ordinary in any way, shape or form. It was just something that the three of us would do from time to time for, seemingly, no particular reason.

My dad wouldn’t take us as a reward for doing something good or nice. It wasn’t intended to be a bribe for future good behavior. We didn’t go to get out of the house or to elevate boredom during the lazy days of summer. We went, “just because”.

We’d arrive, park in an crab grass infested field next to the wagon, place our order, load up the condiments that have stayed outside a bit longer than the board of health would have preferred, sip our soda pops, shoo the flies and wasps away and just enjoy the best hotdogs in the world. Just the three of us eating, talking, getting ketchup on our shirts and enjoying each others company.

I miss the way those trips to the Wee-Nee Wagon made me feel. It was special to me because it seemed to be special to my dad. That time spent with my father and my brother, talking about sports, school, neighborhood events and sometimes, talking about nothing at all, was some of the best time I’ve spent in my life. It was simple and easy to just be happy while eating those hotdogs.

My biggest regret in life is losing that ability to find something special in something so simple as a quick trip for hotdogs. I don’t know exactly where or when I’ve lost that ability. It seems like, the older I get and the more complicated my life becomes, the harder it is for me to get back to feeling that way. Relationships grow in complexity, stress is always in the background, pondering the great mysteries of who I am and what I want to be weights heavy on my shoulders.

I’ve worked long and hard to make myself into the man I wanted to become. I have seen the best this world has to offer as well as the worst. I have done a great many number of wonderful things. I’ve also fallen flat on my face, stuck there without a way to pull myself up again. I’ve met great men that I would consider as brothers and I have shed tears when they were laid to eternal rest. I’ve loved with the intensity of the grandest scales only to see that love wither and fade away due to situations beyond my control. I’ve been around the world only to return to the exact place where I started from, turned around and headed out again.

The thing is, all I really want to do is go eat some hotdogs and be happy again. I know that time is in the past and I cannot go back again. I’ve accepted the facts of life that go along with adulthood. I just hope that, one day, I’ll find that joy and happiness again in a new form and place.

Maybe one day, when I settle down and start a family of my own, I’ll take my children out for a quick treat for no other reason than, “just because”.

I’m thinking ice cream. I like ice cream.

Filed under: Blogging, Life, Relationships, What my father taught me | 9 Comments »

Whatever that cat’s name was.

Posted on April 9, 2007 by Tommy

I was dating a girl named Sara who had a cat named Wiskers (or whatever that cat’s name was). When Sara would talk to her cat, she would use the word “Pussy” all of the time.

“Does Pussy need some water?”

“How’s Pussy doing today?”

“Does Pussy need some rubs?”

She grew up in a very cat friendly home and using that word was nothing unusual. Her Mother did the same thing as well as her Grandmother. They didn’t use that word like most people would. They honestly used it as a short version of “Pussy Cat” and it was always used within the structure of baby talk. Yes, I know it’s weird, but her entire family was kinda off. Like super cat people kinda off. Dead kitty ashes one the mantle, kitty designed sweaters, scratching posts instead of easy chairs, catwalks in every room, hairball lovin’ kinda off.

Whenever I heard her talk to the cat, I would just giggle or snicker. Sara would tell me to grow up and be more mature. Both of those things I honestly needed to do, but come on, you’d laugh too. It was too weird not to.

I woke up one morning at Sara’s place and went about my usual routine. I went downstairs, made some coffee, put food and water out for Wiskers (or what ever that cat’s name was) and went out to get the morning paper. When I opened the door to let myself in, that damned cat, without one bit of hesitation, ran out and down the driveway like stupid fast.

I immediately started to panic. Sara loved that cat more than she loved me. I had to go find it super quick, before castration would enter Sara’s mind. I ran down the driveway franticly looking around for any sign of Wiskers (or whatever that cat’s name was).

Sara’s neighbor, an elderly Japanese man, was out in his front yard tending to some of his plants. Before thinking and acting purely on adrenaline I asked him…

“Did you see Sara’s Pussy?”

I couldn’t believe I had just said that! To her neighbors credit, he just looked at me and said, “No I haven’t, but if you want to tell me about it, I’ll listen”.

How cool was that comment? Sure, I was in a state of panic, but I had to take a second out from the chase to give the dude a, “Nice one”. He just nodded his head and off I went to find Whiskers (or whatever that cat’s name was).

After five minutes of searching I found Wiskers (or whatever that cat’s name was) by a small tree, picked her up and got her inside. She seemed kinda freaked out a bit, being an inside cat straying into the outside cat world, but all in all, no harm done. Sara never knew what happened. For the next few days, anytime Sara and I would walk up to her place, her neighbor would smile at me and give the thumbs up sign.

Funny dude.

Filed under: Blasts from the past, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity | 15 Comments »

I’m moving (finally!)

Posted on April 3, 2007 by Tommy

moving.jpg

So, as some of you know, my commute to work is 67 miles…EACH WAY!

In an effort to cut down my driving time and well, to save my sanity, I’m moving closer to where I work. Oh and of course, spending about 150 bucks a week on gas factored in big time.

I’ve been looking for a place for a while now and have hit one dead end after another. The last place that I wanted had a slight issue with it. Some old guy went and died in it, a few days before I was supposed to move in. Now, the pad smells like dead old guy and that, at least to me, is a deal breaker.

So, I went looking again for a medium sized apartment, close to work. I narrowed down my search to five possibilities and went for walk throughs last Friday. After considering rent, square footage, amenities, proximity to work, neighborhood noise level, shopping and entertainment locations, utilities costs, parking and a whole slew of other things, I went with the one that had the prettiest girl working there.

I should not make financial decisions when I’m single.

I sign this week.

Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity | 20 Comments »

The next “Sara” story…

Posted on March 29, 2007 by Tommy

Is going to be password protected…maybe.

Why? Well, a friend of mine, that has read all of the stories so far, says that the stories are much better in person. She’s heard just about all of them during random nights out and about and suggested that I post a video version of the next one. I’m seriously considering it, but I also would like to maintain a bit of privacy. So, if I post it, I’ll password protect it.

If I’ve commented in your blog before, you should have one of my E-mail addresses. When I post it, send me a message and I’ll send you the password. Simple huh?

For those of you that know a few of the stories from other sites, it’s going to be the one about the cat and the Japanese dude.

Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity, Relationships | 12 Comments »

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