Be careful of where you point that thing.

Posted on March 24, 2007 by Tommy

I had been dating a nice young woman “Sara” for a few months. Everything was going quite well in the relationship. So well in fact, that we spent most of our free time in bed doing what normal adults do. It was a blast to say the least. The sex was fantastic and I was constantly surprised by her giving nature and, quit frankly, her flexibility. However, the giving nature of hers eventually lead to the incident I’m about to describe.

One night, Sara and I were in the throws of foreplay and getting ready for the main event. We were in my bedroom at the time, stripping, licking, kissing, nibbling, looking and doing all of those really, really fun things en route to full on quality naked time.

Now, I had been out to sea for the three weeks prior to this, so I was more than excited to be in this situation. Sara decided that it would be a good idea for me to just lay back and let her “service” me. Of course, that sounded like a fantastic idea. It’s kinda like asking, “Hey, would you like a million dollars tax free?”. The answer is always “yes please”. I grabbed my pillow, got comfortable and just let her work her magic. Of course, I planned on returning the favor later on, but there was no way I was going to argue about who was going to go first.

So there I was, laying back and enjoying the combination of a hand job and blow job that Sara was performing. I say performing because she was that good at it. The woman would have a black belt in fellatio, if they gave out black belts for it. Well, maybe somewhere they do, I’m not sure. I never thought about looking into it. Anyway, she did just about everything to perfection. She had this way of moving her hand in a twisting motion up and down following up with her mouth. The sensation that this caused was pure pleasure. I really didn’t think that I could be any more erect than what I was at the time. Looking down at her was like watching a live action porno starring someone who didn’t do it for the money, but because they liked it. I was in heaven.

Well, the moment of truth was just around the corner. I let Sara know that I was very close to cumming and she just went into overdrive. She was a woman on a mission and I wasn’t about to get in her way. I couldn’t talk, breathing was getting difficult and I started to see things. I was getting ready to just explode. I didn’t want it to end, ever! The end did come though, just not the way I was expecting for it to happen.

Seeing as how I couldn’t talk at the time, and Sara was focused intently on sucking and jerking as fast as she could, there was no immediate warning to me “letting the swimmers go”. I guess that it caught Sara off guard and she pulled away quickly, directing my cock away from her mouth. I can understand that. Like I said, it had been a little while for me and I was more than aroused, so the volume of jizz was, as expected, a bit more than normal. The bad thing was that my face was in the opposite direction of hers and in, for the lack of a better term, the direct line of fire.

Yes, I got cum in my own eye.

HOLY FUCK DID THAT STING!

I’ve never experienced an eye trauma like that before and I never want to repeat it. I couldn’t believe how much that stung. I went from ecstasy to agony in no time flat. I couldn’t see anything! I was disoriented, panicked, in pain and fucking pissed off. I tried to get up and go to the bathroom to wash out my eyes, but in the condition I was in, I should have just stayed put in bed until I was able to collect my thoughts. I knocked every damned thing over between my bed and the bathroom. I also slammed right into the wall and broke the bathroom door jam. I finally made it to the sink and started to wash my eyes out. I was really angry about the whole thing.

Sara followed me into the bathroom asking if I was okay. I think that she was crying, I’m not sure, I couldn’t fucking see anything. She just kept on apologizing and offering to help. I was so pissed off that I said, “Why the fuck did you aim for my face? What the hell is wrong with you?”.

In hind sight, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say to her at the time. I completely overreacted to the situation and blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault. Accidents happen, I should have known better. Needless to say, that event lead to me and Sara breaking up. So not only did I lose one of the best women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, not to mention date and have sex with, but I almost lost my eyesight as well. So, the moral of the story is this. When you are past the point of no return and you know the moment of truth is going to happen…….

KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES AND MOUTH SHUT!

Filed under: Blasts from the past, Dating, Humor, Life, Random acts of stupidity, Relationships, Sex | 7 Comments »

The importance of knee placement

Posted on January 15, 2007 by Tommy

One of the most important things you can learn in life is to always watch where your knees are. A little story from my past to help reinforce that lesson.

It was a long time ago, back in the Florida days. I was seeing the young lady named Sara (Once again, that’s not her real name). How we met isn’t important to this story. What is important is that neither one of us had the time necessary to put into a relationship in order for it to work. Instead, we decided that it would be a good idea to skip the work and just focus on the good parts of a relationship. The very parts that men usually get in a relationship for. For me, it was ideal. We laughed, drank, told jokes and spent most of out time finding new and exciting ways to make each other sweat. It was, as I said, ideal.

One night, Sara and I were involved in, what could best be described as, a cross between the game Twister and a Yoga class. I say that despite the fact that we were not actually playing Twister or stretching out with Yoga and there were various food items involved. However, the description is accurate enough. During these kinds of activities, there is a tendency to cramp up or feel some form of general discomfort from the positions you find yourself in. I was feeling that discomfort despite having the best damned Twister game of my life. Trying to relieve the soreness that had overtaken my left leg, I decided to shift positions. What I failed to do is look at where I was placing my left knee.

Where I went to place my knee could only be described as, “thin air”. Focusing on the activities that Sara and I were partaking in, and not focussing on the fact that I was at the edge of her bed, my left knee wasn’t supported by the thin air and off the bed I fell. That is a bad thing to happen. What’s worse is hitting your head on a solid wood night-stand and blacking out. The last thing you want the woman you are currently spending “quality time” with to see is you, naked, unconscious on her bedroom floor and covered in whip cream. It is not the way you want to represent yourself.

Fortunately for me, Sara was an emergency room nurse at a local hospital. After introducing my head to her night-stand, I vaguely remember the following events; Sara screaming, her gently shaking me, my pants being put on, a few “Oh Gods”, a car ride, me sitting in the Emergency room.

I was a little woozy to say the least. When things started to clear up and the ability to visually focus on any object returned, I saw Sara sitting in a chair across the room. I was sitting up in a hospital bed, attached to an IV, slightly nauseous and the hospital gown was sticking to my chest. Sara had her head in her hands looking straight down at the ground. I asked her what happened. There was no reply from her, she just looked straight down. There was a response from the doctor that walked in when I asked the question.

The doctor informed me that I had received a concussion. That it was nothing serious, there was no cuts or bleeding, but that I should take it easy for the next few days. I asked about the IV and whether or not that was needed for a concussion. The response was, “It’s more for you being dehydrated from………let’s just call it exercise. Okay” That was his actual response. Now I knew why Sara was staring at the ground. This was the hospital she worked at.

She was embarrassed, which is understandable given the jam she was in. What didn’t help matters was the remarks her coworkers were making to her.

“So, I guess last week when you couldn’t walk, it wasn’t your ankle after all”. We started the Twister games the week before, her ankle was fine.

“So, this is why you blew off girls night out” I don’t like being referred to as, “this”.

“Sara, I think it’s best if you wash off the whipped cream”. It was damned sticky and made the hospital gown even more uncomfortable.

“Sara, um sweetie, that’s not the proper nurses uniform”. Let’s just say she wasn’t wearing a hospital issued nurse’s uniform.

The comments just kept on coming. I totally understand why, it was a very funny thing to have happen. Imagine that you are working in the ER on a Saturday, one of your coworkers comes in with a concussed, whip cream covered guy, she’s not in the “proper” uniform and she is asking for help. That’s comedy gold right there.

After that night, things with Sara and I were never the same. We started to spend less and less quality time with each other. She was busy at work or wanted to go out with her friends more often than before. Sara was slowly becoming more uncomfortable, fearing another visit to the ER. I don’t blame her, it was tough for her to go through. Imagine if you were in her position at the time. Finally, after a month or so, I left Florida and Sara and I never saw each other again.

The reason why I’m sharing this with you is the following. If you are ever lucky enough to meet your own personal version of Sara, and believe me, you would be very lucky, do me one favor will you?

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR KNEES!

That’s it. That’s all I ask for.

The End.

Filed under: Blasts from the past, Dating, Humor, Life, Relationships, Sex | 12 Comments »

The most erotic story ever in the history of the world!!!!

Posted on December 15, 2006 by Tommy

NOTE! This post has been changed from it’s original. That and it’s not written to anyone specific. I use the name Sara in blogs for almost every woman’s name. It’s just easy to type. Oh, and if the real Sara is reading this, then forget what you just read. I wrote this for you and I mean every word in it. (Did that work?)

I can’t wait to see you after work Sara. I’ve been thinking about you all day long. I had the sensation of smelling your perfume even though your not here. It made me think of all the good things about you. Just the thought of seeing you smile made me happy the entire day. Tonight is going to be great. When you get home I’m going to show you just how much I adore you.

The first thing that I’m going to do is pour you a glass of wine. Then we’ll sit down on the couch and I’ll listen to you talk about your day. Don’t leave anything out. Not one detail. I will hang on your every word as if it were coming from an angel. Tell me about that girl from accounting and how she blackmailed her way into a promotion. Tell me about how someone took your parking space. Let it all out. It’s okay. I want to hear it. Tell me everything. There’s nothing sexier than listening to you talk about your day. I’m so turned on by it.

After our conversation, I’m going to take out the trash for you. That’s right, I’ll take it all out, even the small cans from the bathrooms. I’ll do it just for you baby. I’ll even take the cans out to the curb for pickup tomorrow. While I’m out there working for your love, I want you to lay down, put up your feet and take a nap. You deserve it Sara. Drift off and dream of a shopping spree at the biggest shoe store in the world. Just let your mind escape for a while.

When you wake up, I’ll have dinner ready for you and it won’t be take-out. It’s not good enough for you. You deserve the best Sara and that’s what I’m going to make for you. As we sit down and enjoy the meal, I want you to feel free to ask me anything you want to. I’ll tell you everything your heart desires. Ask me about where this relationship is going, I’ll tell you that it’s going to eternity. Ask me who the best I’ve had in bed was and I’ll tell you that it’s you sweetie. Ask me if I think that you’ve gained weight and I’ll tell you that you are as thin as a rail and then hand you a piece of warm bread. I’ll ask you if you did something different to your hair and then tell you it is the perfect style for your face. I’ll tell you that the jeans you are wearing were made to show off your perfect ass. Ask me what friends of yours I think are pretty and I’ll tell you that none of them can compare to your beauty. It’s making you hot isn’t it? It’s okay to feel that way. Don’t hold back, let your inhibitions go. You’re safe with me.

After we’re done with dinner, I want to you go to your bedroom and turn on the T.V. to watch that Lifetime movie you have been waiting to see. I Tivo-ed it for you and deleted the commercials. It’s okay, I’ll do all of the dishes. I’ll even wash each and every single plate and glass by hand before I put it into the dishwasher. Like that don’t you baby? Ya, I know you do. I’ll even wash every piece of flatware by hand also. That’s how much I care for you. That’s the kind of effort and attention to detail that you deserve Sara. You’re so sexy I can’t help myself.

After I’m done with the dishes, I’m going to come upstairs and treat you the way a woman should be treated. I’m not going to hold anything back. I’m going to put everything that I have to offer into making you feel like the sexy woman you are Sara. That’s right, I’m going to give you a foot massage and then paint your toenails. Like that? I know you do baby, I know you do.

Oh, I have one more thing for you, my love. All of the laundry is washed, folded and ironed if needed. It’s all for you Sara. You are my everything and more.

Filed under: Blasts from the past, Fiction, Humor, Relationships, Sex | 20 Comments »

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