Because I'm going to try and restart this old car...er...blog...journal thing.
yep.

But apparently not right now because I'm lazy. And I'm going to go paint stuff.
WHOO!

I don't know why I'm writing this. Heck, I don't even know what I'm going to write about. I just wanted to sit down and do something, so here I go.

Ummm...yeah, I have to think of something to write about. Lets see...I just got back from Girl's Camp yesterday. And I'm really tired because Friday Night/Saturday Morning I pulled an All-Nighter with a bunch of other YCLs. We called it our "Night of Mayhem." Actually, I didn't stay awake the whole night long, seeing as I fell asleep for at bit around 3:00am, but still. Soooo tired right now. Maybe that's contributing to this really random post.

I read my last entry and was kind of freaked out about it. Major depression there for a bit. And now I don't really remember why...oh yeah! End of school. I was saying goodbye to a bunch of people, and started really hating on myself. It was scary...but now I feel so much different.

My testimony is incredibly strengthened now. I feel like I moved from the "I believe" stage to being able to say that "I know with all of my being." I just feel so strong and happy and content with who I am right now.

I think I've changed a lot since moving from Utah. It's like Virginia was a rock-polisher to my rock, and now I've been shined up quite a bit. I really hope ya'll like the new me, but first I have to make sure that I can hold onto the new me when I move back to Utah.

So yeah. I'm going to go take a nap now.

Sleeeeeep...oh, wait.

Confession: I really, really don't want to move back. I want to stay with all my heart. And I am scared to go back. And all this really frightens me because I can see me crashing when I leave my beautiful Washington DC. Like, spiraling back into that depression, but worse. So please forgive me if I'm distant.

Even if I don't crash from the separation, I think you will find me a little distant. Like I said, I've changed. The way I think about some things has changed. The way I view Utah-Mormon culture is drastically different, and you'll probably see it. So yeah.

Now it's time for sleep!

Ugh I hate myself. No, change that. There are parts of me that I strongly dislike and it makes me feel emotionally sick and like over-all crap.

I need a vacation from Life. Too bad I don't get one anytime soon.

Yeah, this is just a pointless rant on the mysteries of my life. I feel like I just want to go and tear a 42' flatscreen into shreds, if that were possible. Maybe punch a hole in a wall.

Groan. Okay, so I'm going to go try not to think. Please, kill me now.

Seriously? You decided to update regularly, and you weren't able to do it? Do I need to hit you over the head with a large branch? My goodness, self! However do you do it?

*sigh* So yeah. Sorry to those peeps who have been waiting. If there are any of you left...

But I'm back. For now. Lets see how long this one lasts, shall we?

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going crazy, please hold.

I feel green today.
Not the fresh, new-life spring green
But a faded, yellowish green.
The green of a dying plant.
The green of this dying plant,
Here in the Biology compost heap.

I rub the tendrils of the plant.
It is an onion that has bloomed,
Slick tentacles bursting out of the crown.
What once was bright now weakens
And the leaves are waxy in death.

The vine bruises under my fingers.
It is pliable and rubbery, with no lively bounce,
Draped limply over the side.
This is how I feel:
Wilted, vanishing, battered
A faded yellow-green
Wishing to decay in peace.

Look at the cute little chicky! It's looking towards to light! YAY!

I had a WONDERFUL birthday. And...oh shoot. Sorry, dudes the bell just rang. Um...I'll update more later.

Bye.

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ME-EEEEE!
Happy birthday to me!

Yeah. It's Thursday. So much for the update schedule. I want to post more than I allowed myself to, so the schedule will probably change again.

There are two poems below, one from today and one from yesterday. I wrote both of those on the day I posted them, so that makes them my most recent work. They are...interesting. Tell me what you think.

Unggg...I am still sick. Now both of my ears are plugged, so I'm afraid to talk because I can't tell how loud or soft I'm being. It's been a quiet day. Everything seems to be muted. It's peaceful.

Thanks again for the comments. Those are what make me want to update. I read and reply to every one to show hoe much love them.

Since the semi-mysterious Dove (not you, Itta, dear) wants to know about the "lame classes up in DC" I will be updating either later today or tomorrow with a review of my classes. I'd do it right now, but I'm in the Library at Lunch right now and I have to go to class soon. PE. Eww. The weather is great, but my body is ill and DOESN'T WANT TO RUN THREE LAPS AROUND THE TRACK AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME, COACH KUHB? CAN WE PLEASE RUN TWO LAPS INSTEAD?

Okay then. I'm going to go torture myself with wonderfully healthy exercise!

Bye!

Poets bird sits on her
Shoulder
Whispering words in her ear
Deaf to all else in the world around her
Obeys everything she can hear

Whirling, twirling
movemove don't stop
Running so the past can't catch up
Whirling, twirling
stopstop don't move
You're missing the beauty of life

Poet's bird sits on her
shoulder
Whispering "what ifs" in her ear
Fear growing
Scared face showing
Who she thinks who she really is

Whirling, twirling
movemove don't stop
Running away from those hurtful words
Whirling, twirling
stopstop don't move
Be happy, enjoy life, love free