Some thoughts on parenting Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Posted by akamonica in Parenting.add a comment
Do you really want a child who runs after you screaming ‘Wait for me. Don’t go.’ because he is scared you will leave him and go?
Do you want a child who cannot do the simplest things without being threatened with something? And what happens the day the child stops feeling threatened?
I know a mother who takes pride in the fact that her two boys do everything that she says, that they get ready in record time for school unlike other children their age. They have perfect table manners, will speak if she wants them to and will shut up if she rolls her eyes. She used the fear technique to ‘train’ them and is happy that life is easy for her because she doesn’t have to do much for them.
No doubt children have to be taught the importance of time and encouraged to do things on their own. But how it is done is as important because that is what stays with the child for life. A parent needn’t pat his/her back because he does not resort to beating the child. Threatening is as bad because it uses the same method of generating fear in the child to get things done. Sometimes threatening is the only thing that works. But that cannot be made the only tool. Also threats only work at an early age until the child fears you. Once they overcome that, you are once again left with an irresponsible dependent child because he longer has any motivation to do things right. The parent didn’t teach him that in the first place. And the child does not care to listen to the parent as he is indifferent by then.
As the phrase goes ‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.’ When you tell a child everyday ‘Hurry up otherwise I’ll leave you and go’ ‘I’m late. I have to go’, ‘If you’re playing, I’m leaving’ etc. The child sees that the parent is himself/herself late everyday and is doing just fine, and thinks I can also be like that. The child does get ready at these threats but does not know how to do things leisurely and be ready on time. And the day the threats don’t work, the child still can’t manage on his own. That was never shown to him by the parent. On the other hand, when you as a parent have the time and give the child time to do everything he wants to do, threatening may not be required because the child is happy and over a period of time he has also learnt the valuable lessons of doing things leisurely, being on time and being independent.
It takes a lot of hardwork to teach them these with minimum threats and a lot more patience and sacrifice to do it without restricting the child’s freedom. It is left to the parents to choose what kind of child they would like to see ten or twenty years hence.
After all, what is a child if his innate curiosity is taken away from him in order to be forever ready to run the race?
When does a child enjoy his childhood if his ‘to-do’ and ‘how to-do’ lists are ready before he wakes up!!
When does a child enjoy the morning sun or take pleasure in the feel of a fistful of rice grains slipping through his fingers? Or is it enough if he can brush well, bathe quickly, eat breakfast without spilling a morsel and be ready in time for school?
What is more fun and enriching for a child? – To sit in a car strapped in a car seat and be dropped to school like a king or walking to school and on the way greeting known and unknown people, excitedly touching tiny babies, making conversation with the pigeons, running on the grass and taking in a million other things which will never be taught at school!
I think as parents, we need to ask ourselves whether we would want a trained, well oiled machine for a child or go that extra mile to make a human being who would stop to smell the roses and know to appreciate it.
Dealing with aggression Saturday, January 8, 2011
Posted by akamonica in N, Parenting.add a comment
I am raising N with the ‘Say anything with words. No beating, No pushing, No snatching, No pinching’ rule. But when I take him to other kids’ homes, I invariably find him left only with my rules and no toys! I feel really bad and wonder if I’m doing the right thing raising him this way in a world where pushing and snatching seems like an acceptable thing.
The other day, we went to his school friend, D’s house. N was looking at one of D’s toys when the latter came up suddenly and snatched it from his hand. N was not prepared for that and was left shocked and came crying to me. I always give N a chance to sort things out himself first before I step in. And that is what I did. N told him politely ‘please give me, I was looking at it and you took it from my hand’. He did it several times and D kept refusing to give it all the while shouting loudly ‘No. I will not give it.’ By this time N was sobbing and absolutely shocked that someone can shout like this. He is not in the habit of screaming and shouting about anything. He once again came to me saying ‘amma he is shouting at me’. I took over and tried to convince D in a similar way ‘See he was already looking at the toy. He will see it and give it back to you.’ etc. Nothing worked. Finally I tried pacifying N by telling him it was D’s toy anyway or that he could take some other toy maybe. I didn’t think I was doing the right thing but I didn’t know what else to do at that time! What kind of example was I setting for my child? That by being a saint you’re always going to end up giving up toys and just settling for what is left?
In all this, D’s mom and dad were gently telling him to give N the toy. I wondered why they weren’t more firm and how they were putting up with this level of screaming and disobedience from their child. I was also thinking D could not be listening because he was as sleepy as N that day. I do not pronounce a child as aggressive or gentle or shabby or a fussy eater in just one meeting. Just the way I do not make any judgments about anyone’s parenting the first time I see them. I take it that they are doing the best they can given their circumstances and leave it at that. But surely how my child deals with different kids, different behavior and different situations reflects my parenting and that is my concern.
Anyway, since N was crying, D said ‘I’ll give you a chocolate’. N happily agreed and took it. He couldn’t open it himself so he gave it to me. While I was holding the chocolate, D came running and said ‘I’ll open it’ nearly snatching it from my hand. But this time I didn’t keep quiet. I held his hand firmly and said ‘I know you know how to open it. But say please and ask me for it. No snatching’. He continued to try to take it from my hand without politely asking for it. I continued to firmly hold his hand. I didn’t bother that his mother was watching. All I cared was that N was watching me and I WANTED to teach him other alternatives to beating, pushing and snatching to stand up for himself. D didn’t ask me politely and I didn’t give him the chocolate. I opened the chocolate which N came smiling and ate. I felt satisfied that I had tried to do my job well as a parent.
I came home that day thinking about all those shy, gentle, timid children I know and wondered how they and their parents deal with aggressive behavior from other children. What would they have done to get their child the toy? Seeing my child at a disadvantage like this, makes me want to cry. I feel responsible for it. One thing that I know for sure is whatever my child may grow up to be, I don’t want him to be unruly and badly behaved. At the same time, isn’t it my responsibility to teach him assertiveness if not aggression?
I’m forced to return to my blog.. Thursday, January 6, 2011
Posted by akamonica in Me, N.3 comments
..because there is so much happening that I need the blog to keep the memories alive forever.
So I decided to revive the blog with the ‘good news’ – I’m pregnant for a second time. The news is old now because its already 30 weeks.
N is 3 years and 3 months old and is not only growing fast but also seems to be maturing and being much more understanding since the pregnancy. He is very excited about the ‘tiny baby’ as he calls it. He wants to now sit on the chair with us for dinner because the ‘tiny baby’ will need the high chair once it comes. Board books are being put aside because they have to be used by the ‘tiny baby’. He tells everyone that there is a tiny baby in amma’s stomach and that its going to come out on March 14th! Yes thats the due date. The other day someone asked him whether he wanted a boy baby or a girl baby. He answered quite simply ‘No. I want a plain baby’. How cute is that!
He tells me almost everyday that he’s waiting for the tiny baby. The excitement is there although he is quite clear about the sleeping arrangement once the baby arrives.
Me: After the tiny baby comes, where you will sleep?
N: I’ll sleep with you amma…on the cot.
Me: Then where will the tiny baby sleep?
N: With appa…on the floor!!!
I was quite happy seeing his excitement, but after this conversation, I wondered how many days it was going to last after the ‘tiny baby’ arrived.
Lots more happening with N everyday. Hope to put it all in this space.
At the park Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Posted by akamonica in N, Update.3 comments
These days we go to the ‘big park’ as N calls it. A lot many kids from all the blocks come there and N loves it. Even I’m liking it a lot because I come across different kinds of parents and kids.
N had suddenly become aggressive and whenever he saw any smaller kid, would drop everything else, run to the kid saying ‘I want to touch baby’ and go pull the baby’s hair and faces until the child cried. I would go running and stop him and tell him not to do it because it was hurting the baby. I was shocked when this began because he has always been a gentle child. Anyway, nothing worked and I kept dreading what he might do everytime he went close to a baby. Then last week when it happened one more time, I didn’t tell him not to do it. Instead I told him that when he sees a baby, he should go over shake hands, hug and say bye. And now he does exactly that. I once again realised the importance of using positive words than negative words in dealing with children. Also I think that instead of saying ‘not to do’ something, we must also clearly tell the child what they ‘should do’. That way there is no space for confusion in the child’s mind. But of course I don’t trust him completely yet. I run along with him when he is charging towards a ‘small baby’ and make sure I’m there till he says bye and leaves.
He runs behind the older kids and wants to play with everyone. Sometimes, I’ve seen him just sitting down and watching the others play. Just taking in everything happening around him. I love to watch him in that mood. I wonder what he must be thinking.
He becomes very upset when some child starts crying. He leaves everything and runs there and stands with a sad face and tells me ‘amma baby crying’. Earlier he used to want to even hug the crying child, but now he is ok with just standing away and waiting till the child has stopped crying.
He waits his turn and generally doesn’t do things once I’ve told him not to. Except playing in the mud. He never listens to me on that one even though I’ve explained to him that he is allergic and will start itching in no time.
The other day there were these 2 girls (3-4 years) playing with N in the park. After some time, they both went off to their maids while N continued playing. I saw them take their tiffin boxes out and eat something. Anyway, I didn’t bother until N saw them. He jumped off the swing and went in their direction. I was sure he would go and ask and if they don’t give it, he would insist on getting some to eat. I just followed him but didn’t say anything. The minute we reached there, one of the girls promptly hid the box behind her and said loudly ‘he will eat all my food’. This much when N hadn’t even done anything yet! N just stood there so I told him that they will eat and come to play because they hadn’t eaten at home. And that we should go away since N had already eaten before coming to the park. He smiled at me and held my finger and came away. I felt so happy for having such an understanding child.
Pictures only Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Posted by akamonica in N, Photos.3 comments
Finally an only-pictures post. The last few months N was not ready to stand in front of the camera. He always wanted to be behind it and holding it. So I just let all his cute first words and monkey faces and smiles and everything else go by without capturing it and putting it into the laptop. Well now he has become a ‘good boy’ and is willing to wait till the picture is clicked so that he can come to see it in the camera. So in a week’s time, I’ve managed to click a few pictures and shot lots of videos of him singing rhymes, saying things, doing things and generally talking. Am posting up a few pictures here.
Going to school Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Posted by akamonica in N, School.add a comment
I’m hoping things don’t take an about turn as soon as I hit ‘Publish’ on this post. Despite my limited knowledge of parenting, I’m feeling sure that that’s what is going to happen.
N has been going to school happily so far. There! I’ve said it. Except for that one day of crying couple of days before they closed for Christmas vacation, its been ok. The first one week, he loved school. Then I suppose like all other children he realised ‘oh so amma is planning to leave me like this everyday and go’. So he decided he didn’t even want to enter the school, cried and refused to let go of my leg. I stayed there for nearly an hour and tried all kinds of ways for him to leave me and go to school happily. Finally when he got a little comfortable, I sneaked away. I didn’t think that was the right thing to do. But somehow I felt that the kid just didn’t want to see me leave. The teacher said he was absolutely fine after I left.
That day the only thing I could think of was what tomorrow is going to be like. I realised I was unable to handle it when N wants me and I try to push him away for reasons only known to me. I was even contemplating taking him out of school and sending him back after a couple of months. I mean whats the hurry now?? R, the more rational of the two of us, obviously laughed at me and said I was overreacting. The next day N was sick so I didn’t send him at all. In fact on a second thought, I felt that he had probably cried so much the previous day because he had been unwell. Also R had left for Bombay that same morning and maybe he was feeling sick because of missing him.
Anyway, the next day I decided to send him with a relative of mine. I followed them after 10 mins. N went with the cousin happily from the house but as they were nearing the school, he refused to walk any further. I went up to them and took him to the school. I was nervous when we reached the school gate. I opened it and was readying myself for what was coming. N put out his hand, took his bag and water bottle from me and just walked inside!! I was bowled over by his behaviour but I couldn’t stand there to watch what happened next. As I was walking back home, I couldn’t help thinking ‘this kid never fails to surprise me’.
He went happily the next 3-4 days and then they closed for Christmas. I once again worried about how it would be when school reopened in Jan. It has been 3 days since school reopened and only today he wanted me to stay the first few minutes, after which he went in anyway and was alright.
In all this the only thing that kept me motivated to continue to send him was the fact that everyday when I went to pick him he always looked very happy at school.
The new word in N’s life Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Posted by akamonica in N, School.7 comments
… is SCHOOL. N started school yesterday. I was not aware that they were taking the kids to the park as part of the Childrens’ Day celebration which was to be followed by movie viewing in school. I had spoken to the principal the previous day and she had told me to come in at 9 am, pay the fees and admit him. R and I managed to get him ready and reached school by 9.15 am. N promptly took off his shoes and went inside to see what was happening. The teacher told us that the principal would come in after the park visit and that we could do the formalities then. She asked me if I wanted to go back home and come in later or N could join them today itself to the park. I decided to take him to the park with them. While we were speaking to the teacher, N was fighting with another kid over a toy and had managed to get it.
Once the kids started getting into the van, N also wanted to go in and sit with them. But he wanted me to go with him, so I went along. At the park, the teacher asked everybody to stand for a picture. N refused at first but later he stood too. In the meanwhile, I moved away and stood at a distance to watch my boy. After the photo session, the teachers took the kids to the play area in the park. N looked around and said ‘amma amma’. When he didn’t see me he just went with the other kids and teachers. I had tears in my eyes.
He climbed the slide but didn’t slide down for quite some time. Then when he saw me, I waved to him and told him to go down. He smiled at me and after that he started playing on the slide. He also went wherever the other kids and teachers went. After a few minutes, he was just loitering not knowing what to do. But I just continued to watch him from a distance because he wasn’t crying. I was the one who was crying.
At one point I thought he was going to fall and there wasn’t a teacher around him to hold him. I restrained myself from running to him because I wanted to see what would happen. N himself looked and stopped because he knew he would fall. There! When did my boy grow so big that he could look out for himself when no one was around! I cried some more.
The kids sang songs in the van and N started humming as if he knew it! We reached school and it was snack time. Just as I expected, N wanted the food the other kids were eating. He hardly ate the snack I carried for him. Anyway, after making a part payment and filling out a form, I decided to bring him back home. It was 2 hours already and I didn’t want him to be overtired and cranky the first day itself.
As we were leaving, I asked N to sit down to wear his shoes. There was this kid looking sad and standing alone. N went close to his face and just looked at him. The kid pushed his face away. N went behind but didn’t fall. I told him to come and wear his shoes and leave the poor kid alone. He didn’t listen. He went back and did the same thing. The kid pushed him again, a little harder this time. N’s face fell and he said ‘amma…oova’ [I’m hurt]. I once again told him the same thing, but he didn’t listen. After getting pushed 2 more times, he still went back to look into the kid’s face for the 5th time. But this time, the kid didn’t push him immediately. N quickly hugged him and smiled. The kid didn’t know what to do. I told him that he could also hug N. The kid hugged N back and then N left him smiling, feeling satisfied and sat down to wear his shoes. I couldn’t help thinking that here was my son who was actually practising Gandhi-giri. I felt proud and I felt worried. This kid didn’t look aggressive by nature so it was ok. All kids are not the same. Some of them are aggressive and will keep pushing N away. How will my innocent, friendly, loving son learn when to be Gandhi and when not to be.
Anyway, that was his first day at school. I suppose there has to be some amount of crying when a child starts school. If it is not the child crying, it is the mother. My boy is ready to go out by himself and can stay away from me for couple of hours a day. It seems like such a big thing. I know this is just the beginning and there are going to be more such moments when I will have to learn to let go.
I was wondering last night whether I could really feel happy because he didn’t cry the first day at school. I mean it can’t be so easy na! But today was Day Two and he stayed in the school for about 2.5 hours and spent nearly one hour on the first floor with other kids while we waited for him on the ground floor. The principal has asked me to be there with him this whole week until he is fully comfortable.
Way to go my boy! I hope you will love school and not come back crying like amma!
What can be better than Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Posted by akamonica in General, N, R.add a comment
Sitting up and watching Phoebe get married for the nth time in the midnight episode of Friends along with the hubby while eating Maggi noodles and trying a new drink called Absinthe after tucking the kid into bed!
PS: This post was written nearly a month ago but couldn’t put it up because the net wasn’t working and then I was too busy.
What we did this October Friday, November 6, 2009
Posted by akamonica in Biking Club, Birthday, Mumbai, Travel.3 comments
N turned two on the first day of the month. We didnt plan anything big because we were to leave on a 10 day trip the very next morning. Poppin’s mom made it special by coming over with the 2 kids even though it was late in the evening. No party. Just us and 5 pieces of pastries! No 2 year update post even. You’ll know why by the end of this post.
Went the next morning to Wayanad for our biking club’s 8th anniversary. Unfortunately it was raining continuously the 2 days otherwise we would’ve enjoyed it more. N ended up catching a cold within 2 hours of landing there but despite that he had a blast on the dance floor being the first one to start dancing and the last one to leave. We had to leave for Mangalore from there and N wasnt getting better with the medicines I had carried for him. So we enquired about paediatricians and took him to one. Doc said he had cold and wheezing. Started him on other medication and left for mangalore. We had a wedding to attend the next morning and we had planned to stay there for another 6 days. But the drive to Mangalore seemed too much for N. After a lot of crying for the third night in a row and my bad throat, we didnt make it to the wedding in time the next day. R couldn’t deal with all the crowd, a sick wife and a sick child. We had lunch, packed up and left for Bangalore immediately to the utter displeasure of my in laws.
Returned to Bangalore and spent the next 5 days recovering one by one. My fil arrived on 10th oct and stayed with us till diwali. This diwali brought lot of bad news and we didn’t enjoy it at all. Fil left on 18th and my relatives came over on 21st. Mil and R’s cousins reached on 23rd. They all went visiting, so R’s other cousin, his wife and brother came to spend the 24-25th weekend with us. The house was full of people all the time and I felt like I was never out of the kitchen. Though I felt happy when they appreciated my cooking and the way I managed my home.
R suddenly planned a trip to Bombay for a week and told the two of us to join him. Luckily the guests were leaving by then and I packed up in a day and we left for Bombay on 29th by car.
31st was my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary. We didn’t celebrate it in a big way. Just keeping N and my sister’s 2 kids out of trouble seemed like a lot to do.
Am doing this post from my in laws place in Mumbai after putting N to sleep. R is not home from work yet. Lots to say about N but that will have to be in a separate post.
To my dear husband Friday, September 18, 2009
Posted by akamonica in R.5 comments
I always knew your work was the most important thing in your life and before marriage, I always doubted how well you would fit into this family man role and give time for me, kids and anything non work-related. Soon after I married you, I was sure I had made the right choice although I continued to have doubts about your capabilities as a father. I was quite sure you wouldn’t be the kind to take initiative and do things for your kids. But you proved me wrong once again.
Despite your busy schedule, you try to come home early and take N swimming. Sundays have become laptop-free days like I always wanted it to be. We just spend time together and do nothing much. Maybe you are able to take so much time out now because you’ve worked really hard all these years. The company that you started 3 years back has grown well and I feel very proud of you.
I was pleasantly surprised at the level of interest you showed while we were looking at schools for N. I had thought you would give me your usual statement ‘I’ll be ok with whatever school you choose for N’ and make me do all the running around alone.
No matter how tired or hungry you are after coming from work, you still have the energy and patience to first play ball with N and then do anything else. When we go to a restaurant, I focus on making N eat properly and on how we can all have a peaceful dinner and leave. You on the other hand, take him out of his high chair and both of you sit in front of the live band that is playing music. N enjoys the music and moves to the rhythm and you enjoy watching him smile not worrying for a moment about whether he will once again sit on the high chair. I smile because I see a happy child and a caring father and fall in love all over again with the man who is everything I am not and I can never be.
In pursuit of perfection 
