Hard times

one of those days where things are...dark...and thoughts are even darker. Sucks when the people you should be able to talk to only made you feel much, much worse. Struggling and no one to turn to. 

Weaning...or not?

So Callie will be 16 months on Friday. I have been hoping to get her weaned "any time now" for...well, for months. I KNEW I would nurse her until she was at least 1 - and hoped to slowly start weaning her from there. Yeah...not so much. This kid has ZERO interest. And I do mean zero. Honestly, she would nurse every few hours if I let her!!!

She has never liked taking milk from a bottle - not pumped milk and especially not cow's milk. She will take a drink, wrinkle her nose, and hand it back to me. I have tried almond milk, soy milk, coconut milk...even powdered milk. I have mixed cow's milk with my milk...and all to no avail. She does not want milk unless it comes straight from me.

She loves food - like really loves it. She will eat basically anything I give her. So, I know she is getting enough nutrition from 'other' sources. She will drink the milk out of her cereal bowl just fine. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that she is still nursing, I just wish it was slowing down SOME. I love the connection with her and I love that she "needs" me. But, I am about ready to be done. I'd be fine getting down to just at bedtime.

I know that part of it is totally my fault. It's "Easy" - by that I mean that I know that it will calm her down. I know if she is crying and fussing that she will stop. If I pick her up and sit down with her she will "assume the position" and cry even more if I don't comply. In fact, today when I was changing she looked over at me while I was getting ready to put on a bra and she pointed and said "mine." Sigh. 

I'm happy for any suggestions!

Knock, Knock....I'm back

It has been a LONG time since I last wrote in this space. A lot has been going on and things were more than a little crazy for a bit. Now that life seems to have settled nicely in to some semblance of a routine (sure to change as that seems to be how it goes), I feel like I need to get back to this space. I am in need of a new name for the blog as the current one no longer seems to fit all that well because, while I may dream of having more babies, it is not in the cards for us. Not sure where I am in the grieving process, but I'd say somewhere around anger/bitterness. My GP thinks I need to see a therapist. She is probably right. Just don't know when or how to carve out the time in a full schedule without causing myself more stress...which I don't seem to handle well lately.

MY GIRLS

The girls are the reason I get up every day. They make everything worth it. They are smart, silly, funny, sweet, and sassy...and so much more.

LEXI

My sweet Lexi is going to be THREE!!! in just a short couple of weeks. Where has the time gone? I mean, it just doesn't seem possible that it has been three years already. Then other times I would swear she was going on 13, not 3. Pretty sure I have seen the future sassy 13 y/o coming out already.
She can be so silly and funny and really just says the funniest things. She loves to be tickled and to 'tickle' others. She makes me laugh on a daily basis.
She also frustrates me beyond words at times. She often will not listen unless I yell. I hate this - I hate yelling at her - it makes me feel like the worst mother ever. She will also do things she knows she shouldn't do - this is usually done if I am occupied with something else, so I realize it is a way to get attention, but I can't always be giving the girls my undivided attention - sometimes I have a phone call to make or an email to look for or whatever. I DO need to stop messing with my phone so much for other, non-important things (like FB, looking at blogs and twitter.)
She absolutely loves our little dog we rescued. The dog was in pretty poor shape when we brought her home and for whatever reason, Lexi has completely attached herself to the little dog. I am pretty sure the dog has never had so much love showered on her in her life - she eats it up and it appears that she adores Lexi, too. She is so patient and lets Lexi do just about anything to her.

For Lexi's birthday we are having a Fro.zen theme (of course, blah!) and have hired Queen E.lsa and Princess An.na to come. She is just going to die! I can't wait to see her face :)

CALLIE

My little Callie isn't so little anymore. She is going to be 18 months next week. Again, where has the time gone? There are times the pictures of her from the NICU pop up on the computer and my heart just breaks. She was so tiny and just....oh, I don't know. My heart just hurts looking at those pictures. But, she has come oh so far! She has been walking since she was 9 1/2 months old and is finally starting to talk more. She still doesn't have a lot of words, but she is working on it.
She is spunky and wants what she wants when she wants it and has no problem letting us know if she isn't happy with things. She is silly and ADORES Lexi. She wants to do everything Lexi does. She loves to play peek-a-boo. She also loves to be held - my poor arms are tired most days!
She has been slow getting teeth - only has the front 8 (4 on top and 4 on bottom). Sadly, 4 molars are coming in all at the same time right now. She has never had an easy time with teething so we have had some horrendously long nights lately.
She just started a gymnastics class yesterday and seemed to have a lot of fun - mostly climbing, jumping and walking on the balance beam. (Lexi starts her class on Friday). It is nice to get some one-on-one time with each of the girls.

Someday, her hair will grow! The back curls nicely and it is oh so cute. This girl is my little angel.

I guess that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow - I am going to get back on the WWW bandwagon and try to be more accountable for this weight I HAVE to lose! (We go to Hawaii in May for my brothers wedding!!!)

~Erin

PPD - slowly crawling out

I know I have been MIA lately - and to be honest I am struggling with whether or not to keep this space. And...if I am being completely honest, I have been struggling in general. I notice it has been two months since my last post. Shortly after that post I finally saw my dr and was officially diagnosed with PP.D, though I had suspected it for some time. Hitting bottom for me was the moment when suicide seemed like a viable option. Life was "too much" - work was "too much" - and well, everything was too much. I couldn't handle anything, at least I felt like I couldn't.

Being on antidep.ressants has helped enormously - I have finally been on them long enough to notice a difference. I haven't seen a counselor...yet, but it isn't off the table. Part of the reason is I just don't feel like I have the time and adding something to my plate that I "have" to do just feels overwhelming and I start feeling stressed and then the feeling of being unable to handle life starts to seep back in. So, while I know it would help, I haven't done that yet just in an effort to keep those feelings at bay.

I turned in my resignation at work because I was just not able to get the job done. There were days where making it through the day was an accomplishment and work just wasn't happening - I was doing the bare minimum and the pile of things I was putting off was growing and it was adding to the stress. My boss convinced me to take FM.LA leave instead, so that is what I have done. We will see. I am not sure if I will go back or not.

The girls are both great (though we had a bout of stomach flu in December right before Christmas and now we are all fighting influenza again...even though Lexi, R and I all got the flu shot - Calli is too young). Lexi will be two in just over a week and Calli will be 6 months in just days. I hate that the last few months have been marred by PPD. I hope that I can be a better mom to both of them now that I am starting to feel a little more "normal" (even if I do have a ways to go).

babble

I feel like I should update here more but darned if I know what to say. Each day just seems a bit of a blur between the girls, work, the dogs and now a kitten(!), life is FULL - sometimes too full. In addition, we are in the process of buying a new house - it is further out from the "big city" than we currently are, on two acres, and in a small school district (one elementary, middle and high school serve the whole town) - it will be the place we raise our girls. We always knew moving into the house we are in now that it wasn't a "forever" home, this is just happening faster than we originally planned...well faster than I planned anyway.

Friday marked what would have been my Grandma's 90th birthday. It was a tough day. I think I am still in a bit of denial that she is really gone. Since she passed two days after Calli's birth I don't think I really have taken the time to properly grieve. Maybe part of it is because I didn't get to attend her funeral. I don't know. It is hard. I still find myself thinking that I need to call her...only I can't.

We are having Calli baptized in a couple of weeks. What a fiasco that has been, just trying to get it scheduled. The people we chose as her Godparents live out of state, in a really small town. The church we had Lexi baptized in requires a "pre-baptism class" - which is fine, we took it and don't have to take it again since it has been less than 3 years. The problem is that they want the Godparents to take it as well - but the church they go to doesn't offer it - and the nearest 'big' town to them is over 3 hours away. When I asked our (former) church what we  could do, we were essentially told "too bad, they can't be Godparents then" - I was and AM very put off by this; it seems very un-Christian like to have that attitude about it, we put a lot of thought into who we wanted to fill this role and are not willing to just find someone else. So, the hunt for a new church began - since we will be moving anyway we decided to find one closer to where we will be living. In making a few calls to see if anyone was willing to work around this I was surprised and relieved to find that ALL the places I called were willing to help us. What a relief.

I think Calli may be one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. She is always smiling and cooing at us. The only time she cries is when she wants to be fed...and then boy does she let us know! Once she gets what she wants she will stop nursing after a minute or two to smile at me. Those smiles make my day every single day. I don't remember Lexi "talking" as much at this age - - so maybe we will have a little chatterbox on our hands? Though Lex talks plenty now! Next week is Calli's 4 month check up - I absolutely can't believe that she is going to be 4months old at the end of the week. Where has time gone??


Lexi is learning something new everyday I think. Her vocabulary is crazy now. She doesn't really make a lot of sentences, but she is working on it slowly. She recognizes all the letters of the alphabet and most of their sounds....I can't take credit for her learning that though - it is all "Endless Alphabet" on the ipad - her "treat" for when I am nursing and at bedtime (again while nursing) before stories. She is also learning her colors and loves to tell us what color things are.

I think we have hit the "terrible twos' - she has been a bit of a challenge lately - the tantrums are absolutely no fun. She wants what she wants and that is it. Thankfully, she hasn't been hitting, kicking etc. much lately, just the crying and screaming. I hate that it makes me feel so ineffective. I don't know what to do about it. She intentionally disobeys - doing whatever it is she was doing when she was told "no" - usually just a little faster than she was before being told no. Time out doesn't seem to have much effect on her. She will even go there willingly most of the time and sit down.

The kitten. UGH. The kitten. It is SO cute and it makes my "job" ten times harder, I swear. Lexi absolutely loves and I mean LOVES the kitten. It is one of the things that she talks about almost constantly. She hugs it and kisses it all the time. The problem is that Lexi is almost 22 months old and isn't always very gentle. It is a full time job making sure she doesn't hurt the kitty. Thankfully, the dogs and the kitten all get along just fine - though that took a little time...

At the end of the day though....life is good, hard, but good. I can't imagine it being any other way.

Monday Snapshot - looking glass?

I haven't participated in a Monday Snapshot for some time...but I love looking at everyone's posts so I decided that I needed to get back into it!

Here is a picture of both of my girls at roughly the same age in the same onesie - Lexi was just 2 months while Calli is 3 months in the picture. I was surprised to see how much the do look like each other - considering Lexi was conceived via ED (my sister was the donor so there is still a genetic link to myself) while Calli was our surprise "natural" conception.

They both seem to be thinking "Yeah right, Daddy!"

                                                           Calli - 3 months

                                                             Lexi - 2 months

Finding time...

to blog is a hard thing to do these days. Busy doesn't quite explain how things are these days. I don't even know how long it will take me to get this post written, I am aiming for today or tomorrow. For the record, I started this on 10/3, so we will see...(clearly didn't happen since I am finishing this up on the 19th!!!! ugh!)

Alexis and Calliana had their 18 month (late!) and 2 month well baby checks a few weeks ago. Lexi was 20 months when she had hers, but well, I was in the hospital when she turned 18 months.

Alexis is now 33 inches tall and weighs in at 27 pounds. I can't believe how big she is getting. If you have a way of slowing things down, please let me know!!! She is a rock start developmentally, exceeding all expectations.
She is talking more and more these days, I am pretty sure she learns at least one new word each day. Her current favorites are "poop" and "booger" - awesome, right? She saw our dog, Cara, poop in the yard and now that is all she says when she sees her. It is one of the first things she says to me every day. That or "ouch" - she got her first 'real' owie several weeks ago, a cut on her toe, and she makes sure to remind us, oh, about 2000 times a day. Then she asks for a "dan-bay" (bandaid). Of course she asks for a bandaid whenever she bumps her head or whatever.

She LOVES the snow - we have had two small snow storms come through in the last few weeks - only accumulating a couple of inches each time, but she had a blast playing in it. She hated to come inside after being out playing in it - but it was COLD!!

She is such fun right now - really wanting to interact and converse with us. I think we are about ready to start potty training - I just have to make it a priority and get to it.

Eating - eh - this is hit or miss. She still prefers to take food from someone other than me. I just don't feel like she eats enough at meal time. Some of her favorites are: yogurt, corn, peas, mac and cheese, pizza, tacos, anything with cheese (she is her mama's girl!)

It seems like we are starting to see some signs of jealousy with her sister. Lexi behaves pretty well until I go to nurse Calliana; then she starts doing anything and everything she can think of that she knows she is not allowed to do. I have tried having "special" toys that she just gets to play with while I am taking care of Calli and the I-pad. The I-pad seems to work the best. Things seem to be worse in the late afternoon/evening than they are earlier in the day.
The other side of that is that she seems to just love her little sister. She is constantly wanting to hold her, kiss her and tries to get her to play not understanding that Calli is just too small yet and can't throw the ball with her.

It is a delicate balance that I am still working on finding.

Calliana did very well at the dr's office as well for her 2 month appt. She is now 3 months old...but better late than never.
She was 22 1/2 inches tall and weighed 10 lbs. 2 oz. Just shy of doubling her weight already - the dr was thrilled because they don't generally expect this until they are 4 months old. Developmentally she is right where she should be - again they were happy with this considering she was one month early - they said that even if she was a month behind developmentally they would have been happy.

She has started smiling at us and it is just the best thing ever. Her whole face lights up. She is going to be my talker I think - she is already "talking" to us every chance she gets. I just don't remember Lexi "talking' like this at this age.

She hates bath time unless it is in the tub with me.
Sleep is pretty good - she generally wakes up once or twice a night. With the exception of when she had a head cold - that was awful. She had such a hard time breathing if she was laying down....so I propped myself up on some pillows in the corner and sat up with her laying on my chest all night - for about a week. So I didn't get much sleep, but she was getting some so that is what was important.

She did not handle her immunizations all that well - screaming most of the night and just not settling down. We will be doing a modified schedule from here on out, spacing the immunizations out more so she only gets one at each appointment - even though this will mean going in once a week or so for a few weeks (we have to drive quite a ways to the dr - - because I LOVE these pediatricians and am willing to drive the distance to go see them).

I am BEYOND blessed with these two girls. I can't believe my heart hasn't exploded yet with love for them.

I am doing pretty good. I am still sad (like really sad) about the hysterectomy - even though I know it was the right decision, I am sad that we will not get to have another baby. I don't know that this feeling of loss will go away completely.
Work is going OK - I still wish I had not accepted the job, but I did so I am giving it my best. I just can't help but feel like I am either neglecting my job or my kids and that sucks.

And now for some pictures:

                                             Have to bring all the babies with us everywhere we go!

                                                            Both my angels!

                                                            Being silly!

                                                        Grandma's on the phone!

                                                             Team spirit!

 

            Playing "monkey" in the rain with Daddy - she insisted that they needed to go on a walk - he finally gave in. Best Daddy ever! And she is also showing team spirit with her KC Chiefs dress!

 

                                                               All smiles :)

 

                                                      First snow of the season - she LOVED it!

                                              

                                                 Wearing Granddad's hat

And...that's it for now, sorry it has been so long...
Have a beautiful Sunday!!