`myfallaciousfacade.

我發現我只能夠看著他的背影，因為當他轉身面對我時，我一句話也說不出來。

it is a single-sided warfare from the start.
and the enemy has overtaken the very foundations of the kingdom,
knowingly or unknowingly, without much fight.
the news of that war perhaps did not even reach that city.
how absurd? they won.
and how desperately the defeated, kings and queens, wanted to forget the former glory.
that magnificence they used to bask in?
how, when they have gotten used to the luxury, to completely clear their memory of it?
they were alone, each one fo them, unable to share their inner most musings,
for the fact that commoners could not understand their plight and the depth of their loss,
and for another that they had pride, and even if they didn’t, telling each other would only aggravate the pain.
telling each other would only get themselves into more trouble.
there were so many reservations to consider that up till the end,
no one could cry, no one could utter a single word, but no one could forget any single detail of the past either.
and one by one they became silent and resigned.
and one by one they are numbed and tried to seek comfort from their own denial.
lashed and beaten, they begged and pled for the enemy to let them go,
for the memory of glory to cease its haunting.
there was anger, towards irresponsible and deceitful behaviour.
but there was also guilt towards them betraying themselves,
because they allowed the enemy to win, in their own struggle.
and they allowed themselves to expect and let themselves be trampled all over by the enemy.
they did not build city walls to protect themselves,
instead they invited chances of hurt, brokenness, wounds.
maybe they just deserved it.
and now, helpless and clueless,
they want to run from their people, they wished they were never royal in the first place
just so that they would then not know the taste of luxury, they would not know the sweetness of glory.
then perhaps they would be able to withstand another day of mediocrity,
and not the torment of losing it all without rhyme or reason.

sorry, sorry, sorry.

Isn’t it ironic that sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing?

Well, doing nothing takes great courage! It takes so much more to trust in God to stir things the best way rather than trying to intervene by your own strength. It’s weird but you actually feel more at ease doing something than doing none which accentuates the fact that doing nothing is extremely difficult. Sometimes it’s really a torture to sit around and do nothing when all around you, chaos is enticing you to take things into your own hands. But faith believes more. Faith believes in God’s plan and views it as ultimate bliss. In light of this, even the incongruity between the heart and the mind becomes insignificant. Even that overwhelming desire to twist the course of life to converge with your heart’s desire becomes insufficient and overrated.

After reading all the notebooks that I’ve wasted on half-written diaries. I know the only smart thing to do is to do nothing and wait and see. Should’ve happened for that primary school bestfriend of mine and that foolish secondary school encounter. But I know better now and even more after considering the end in mind. It’s difficult to do nothing but I think it’ll be even harder to deal with regrets. We all have a choice.

Let go and let God do it.

recently i realize how detrimental it can be to stand at the halfway mark. because it is neither black nor white, neither true nor false, neither yes nor no. the only thing you can be sure of is that you’re bound to get your butt poked because you’re sitting on the fence. the effect applies to you as well as the people around you. if there’s no clear stand, you might not be understood and it leaves people figuring and it leads to many misconceptions and misunderstandings; usually trouble for others and yourself.

it’s always all or nothing.

to have the best of both worlds is just a hypothetical situation which almost never happens because to even have the best in one world, you’d have to choose to devote yourself to that particular aspect. without that kind of attention and effort, it is unlikely to even get half of the best. indecisiveness is a disease that shows the fear of responsibility, that fear of having to account for a wrong decision made. it is a bad habit that can lead to pretty complicated after effects.

worse of all, it kinda sucks to be in the middle ground, or rather the assumed ‘safe’ ground which is actually the most dangerous ‘every-man’s-land’. why do i say so? first, you confuse yourself and not knowing what you want or where you are heading is quite the trouble. second, you’ll never get anywhere because there is no stand, so there is no point to prove your point nor is there a reason for you to venture further deeper into either poles. third, you become delusional in thinking that you possess more than you really do because you’ve never gotten a deeper understanding of ether sides and you don’t get to know how much you actually don’t know.

well, Bible tells us not to be lukewarm and God’d rather us be either extreme hot or cold so that at least we have a clear idea where we are. being lukewarm is treading on danger because you might think that you’re doing it right but in actual fact, you are not. being lukewarm makes you vulnerable to influences around you. just take the illustration of a glass of water. lukewarm water is more prone to temperature change compared to either hot or cold water. what is the point of choosing that thin, threatening middle ground when you can cruise on the solid rock and an infallible God?

Don’t wait until you hurt your bottom to make a choice.

It’s a perfect day for reflection, isn’t it?

The only reason why posting has been suspended for such a long time is because firstly, I’m not posting it because it might not be beneficial and secondly, long gone are the days of emotional-poetic phase. Today, I just feel that I’m ready to express myself semi-publicly again. This year has really been eventful, turning 18, A-Level year and all, but that’s just the surface level. The greatest change was in my heart (and it is still in the process of change) because I was all shattered and mended, as good as new and even better. I grew, not taller but on the inside. When I even start to look back at what God has done for me, I really cannot help but gaze in wonder at how He walked me through.

Separation was called for and the old went bring the new. To make it worse I wasn’t exactly given any buffer time to sort out and rework the reality. But He worked, unconcerned for my current comfort because He knew what’s best for me. If I hadn’t been pushed over the edge, pressurized to fit and thrown into fire at the first minute I was out on my own, I would have strayed far away from Him, I would never have gotten to where I am now (which would be a terrible regret). I was thinking of that fateful night He broke me; my pride, confidence, everything I hold holding on to and told me to free fall on Him. It was a difficult decision to make, I was reluctant, I wanted to hold back so that I could be in control because the unknown is always more frightening than what is familiar and I don’t know what exactly He will do in my life. Even knowing that whatever it is, it’s going to be good, I was still afraid. After 18 years of life, one of the things that I’ll never admit is that I struggle with many insecurities because letting others know is as good as putting yourself in a vulnerable position waiting to be attacked. It tormented me alot to see people I deemed superior come and go while I strived to clamour above those I can manage to build a form of structural support to hold on to. But just today (which is a tad very slow,) I realized how wrong I was. The structures you can cling onto on the outside are just temporal beams that can stabilize but the true foundation can actually be found inside of you; you as a wonderful creation of God and your solid rock on which you can stand. And all the while all I’ve been trying to grab fragile branches and leaves that bypass being too blind to see the truth that I’m already standing on my own firmly because God’s hand is holding me.

Eighteen. I thank you Lord for Your providence and Your mercy upon me. I thank you that I can be part of Your kingdom and ultimate work on earth. And I thank You for working in me and changing my life.

where your heart is, there your treasures will be. what are you storing up today?

Almost at the end of my study break with more to go, I will survive, just wonder how well. But let me do the natural and God will do the supernatural. Pondered a lot today.

I’m more than overjoyed! My mom encouraged me by telling me I can make it even though I only have one week aft the concert to study!

A run is awesome when you’re feeling bad;
And have no one to talk to,
And even if you had, you’ve got nothing to say.
But that run was more than that.
Made me remember how much God loves us,
That he gave a unique purpose to each of us;
Every grain of sand, every blade of grass.
As I ran, I saw how great His creation is.
And how ungrateful we’re destroying it.
Can’t start praising God enough because He is so good!
And I’m appeased, because I know His plans are worth the patience,
No matter how unbearable.