You, my truckload of awesomeness

We can feel good about ourselves, but that confidence must come from the knowledge that we’re greatly loved children of God, not that we’re very good children. 

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” <Proverbs 16:9>

recently, an unexpected door opened in my path. and it caught me by surprise, and threw me off tangent. it forced me out of that dormant inertia to think about my future; had always brushed that aside because it was “something too big” for my brain too small, and projecting into a muddy future i don’t see a clear destination other than heaven which i’m certain i want to head to eventually. 

hard questions, i’ve asked myself. hard questions, i have no answers for. and while to think through some of these hard questions made me realise how timely this door presents itself in my life. without it, i could have continued to cruise obliviously and i could very well be steering myself in the direction of a potential crisis, landing myself in the middle of nowhere, without any proper lands to dock at. 

and God is very interesting (like how He has always been in my life), after these hard knocks of truth into my life, the door closed, and everything remained status quo. proverbs 16:9 never meant so much to me before. especially for someone like me who tries to avoid planning if i can. 

in eunice’s heart, she learns to plan her course, but the Lord continues to assure that He will determine her steps. and my future is no less muddy after this incident, but if the Lord will determine my steps, they will be firm steps i take eventually. 

had an appointment this afternoon but decided that some self-time would do me better. another meetup or gathering is not going to give me some clarity that I believe I need. worse still, it might just drain away the remaining sanity this introvert in me has left.

it’s not as though I’m a social butterfly that flits from one gathering to another. in fact, far from it. closer friends would know my last self-declared me-time is probably just a few days ago. or is it just hours ago.

bottomline, I’m finding the need to indulge in me-time more often of late. to retreat back into my bubble and watch the world pass me by. and yet at the same time, understanding that even if you don’t quite move together with the world this very moment, you may not have lost as much as you think you had.

in the various departments of my life, new seasons are emerging. new roles await. my immediate sphere of influence is not as homogenous as before (guess that’s part of growing up) thoughts, ideas and mindsets I was so sure of are being challenged. definitely not a bad thing to refine thought processes actually.

in me, something might change. some things will still remain the same. I’m not too sure how things will turn out, but I believe His grace will be my best companion venturing these new grounds.

watch (over) me.

you do not underestimate the intensity of this.

「幸せになってください。」

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

– Sarah Williams

It is not physical beauty nor temporal glory nor the brightness of light dear to earthly eyes, nor the sweet melodies of all kinds of songs, nor the gentle odor of flowers, and ointments and perfumes, nor manna or honey, nor limbs welcoming the embraces of the flesh; it is not these I love when I love my God. Yet there is a light I love, and a food, and a kind of embrace when I love my God — a light, voice, odor, food, embrace of my innerness, where my soul is floodlit by light which space cannot contain, where there is sound that time cannot seize, where there is a perfume which no breeze disperses, where there is a taste for food no amount of eating can lessen, and where there is a bond of union that no satiety can part. That is what I love when I love my God.

i sat back today. and gave thanks, once again, for that tough season of sleepless nights last year and the year before. 

those days – when days and nights went on without an end in sight, when body and mind got torn apart warring each other. that was a point of knowing my finite self, and getting to know an infinite higher being better. 

this work season feels like a sequel. 

i know i cannot. i want to learn again that in You, i can. 

sometimes I wonder,

if there’s a real distance for every moment of me feeling as though the heart has dropped, in my lifetime till date, perhaps I could travel from jurong east to pasir ris already.

my neverending sigh for the neverending home sagas.

you are passive-aggressive. your mood swings send me dizzying away. sometimes you are really sweet and nice; at times you make me wonder if i had imagined all your goodness previously.

i need some divine wisdom how to deal with humans of your kind. especially when i cannot just simply choose the easy way out of ignoring you and make my life better.

rawr. i hate tiptoeing around uncomfortable grounds.