the days are cheery things

i try to experience everything

i live my best authentic self

but at night i wonder

who am i.

i have no traumas

or so i say

my life was easy

or so they say

so who am i.

i’m strong, i’m independent

i know who i am

i know what made me

except what may have made me.

did it define me

does it define me

is it why i don’t trust

i thought it was just who i am

but who am i.

shit happens

i don’t stress about it

a few moments in time

why think about it

but in the news they call them victims.

am i?

who am i.

please don’t define me.

It’s been a while, blogosphere! I think it’s been over a year since I was last here, and things have been going well. I’m now 22 years old. I’m still puttering through my bachelor’s degree, which I’ll get around to completing one of these days…

Donut the corgisaurus 2k16

I picked up my 8 week old Pembroke Welsh Corgi pup October 9 last year. His name is Donut, he turns 1 on August 11, and he has been a bright star in my life from the moment that his breeder uploaded the photo of his ridiculously grumpy puppy face. Like most dog owners, I love him so much it hurts. Look at his cheeky derpy face, how could you feel anything but love for him? He loves to cuddle and receive belly rubs while lounging across my lap. We go on adventures and hikes and he’s very vocal about his dislike of cyclists. He’s got such a goofy personality, and I’m praying for at least a good 20 years with this boy because I can’t imagine life without him now.

I’ve started learning no-gi Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. BJJ began as a random hobby that would both give me an avenue to exercise and stay healthy as well as prep me with the skills that I can use in self-defence. And as a thin little asian girl, I honestly need all the skills I can soak up. I train in a dojo full of inspiring and motivated people and it’s so rewarding being around them. Not only are they beasts when it comes to the discipline, they’re also ridiculously talented and hardworking. Everyone that I talk to inspires me a little bit more and that’s the kind of people that you want in your life. The team is a family and they welcomed me in from day 1 with open arms.

From mid-May to early June this year, I was without Donut for a little over 3 weeks as I travelled around Japan with my boyfriend and 2 other friends. During that time I developed what could be called an addiction to novelty socks and convenience store pudding. To combat how fiercely I missed Donut, I took snaps of and tried to pet every single dog I saw in Japan. I’m pretty sure my phone contains more pictures of Japanese dogs than it does of the things that we did and saw while there but I have zero regret. The day before we flew home, I pet my first corgi in over 3 weeks and I was so deliriously happy that I cried a little.

Protip for travelling: don’t schedule your 1 billion hour flight home for the day of your birthday because you’ll spend it on the plane and you won’t be able to treat yourself to a birthday present and you will miss the country that you’re leaving before you even leave it. It will 1000% suck, don’t do it.

I feel so blessed to have been able to travel and explore a different country, culture and society with my best friend. We’ve been making memories and pissing each other off for over 3 years now and I trust my partner wholeheartedly to keep us safe. For someone as wary and distrusting of strangers as I am, that reassurance enabled me to relax and fully enjoy the trip. Even better, he put up with my need to buy all of the novelty socks that we came across (that’s when you know he’s a keeper).

Gudetama is love, gudetama is life.

😛

Each day that I’m at uni, I start my day in the gym at 7am. The days that I’m not at uni, I’m at work. The days where I’m not at either are my rest days.

I’ve never really realised it until now, but…. I get anxious.

A lot.

About anything.

And everything.

Sometimes I find myself stressing about stress before there is stress to stress about. I’m bloody pre-stressing. But now that I’m operating on a semi consistent schedule, I don’t find myself as anxious as often. Except for when I’ve soared past my caffeine limit – then nothing will stop me. It’s glorious.

This semester I’m doing a heavily math-orientated economics subject. The economics part is easy as chicken nuggets for me, but the mathematics is ridiculously hard. I’ve never been a math person. So it looks like I’m going to be working a billion times harder than everyone else in this class this semester for a good grade. And I honestly could just pick an easier subject, but the other subjects suck and I’d rather struggle if it means that I’m learning something useful. And to prove it to myself that I can do it. Mind over matter for the home stretch until I turn 21.

No guts, no glory? 😉

Bring it on uni. 

New year, new me. That’s how the saying goes, right?

I prefer “new year, better me”.

I’m only six months shy of my 21st birthday (barely an adult, to be honest). I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or where I’m going with my career, and I definitely don’t know what I’m going to do after my studies – but I already know who I am. And I want to work towards a better, not different, version of myself.

I often take for granted the people in my life by assuming that they’ll always be there. But life is unpredictable, and there really is no guarantee that someone here today will still be with me tomorrow. I need to tell people that I appreciate them more often, that I’m grateful for their presence in my life.

I’ve changed a lot since I was a child. All throughout primary and high school, I’ve had trouble focusing and staying calm. I was the hyperactive nightmare of a student who couldn’t sit still during class and who couldn’t stay silent for longer than minutes at a time. During my final year of school, it took a heavy toll on me both mentally and physically as the stress and the struggle to study threatened to overwhelm me. It felt like it was the end of the world at the time, but looking back at it now – I have no regrets about easing off on the study. I may not have gotten as high a score as I wanted but my mental health was far more important. As I tell anyone going through those final years that asks me, there are always other pathways to get to where you want to be. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to slow myself down and it has honestly allowed me to enjoy everything that much more. I’ve become a better listener, my patience is no longer nonexistent, and I’m happier overall as a result. To improve on this can only make me happier.

I want to spend this year doing more things, being more adventurous, more spontaneous. The tail end of the last year was a good one and I’m looking forward to adding to those memories.

I’ve even worked on my fear of deep water. Kinda, sorta. I willingly climbed into a swimming pool last week. Although, I could see the bottom of the pool so it didn’t bother me too much. It was a lot different from 8th grade camp where I panicked in the middle of the lake and nearly drowned myself as a result. Hopefully, the summer heat will encourage me to venture out to the beach where I can work on this ridiculous terror.

I turn 20 today. Now. At the moment?

I’m a real adult now. I’m gonna have to go do real adult things now that I can’t be called a teenager anymore. Like, uh, taxes.

…I still look 12.

I look like Majin Boo. 

It’s been almost two years now, but I still haven’t gotten over the novelty of being able to sit down for dinner with my parents most days of the week. After all those years of not being able to while growing up… this feels good. Really good.

I have a good feeling about uni this semester. I’m feeling pumped, I’m not feeling ‘eh, can’t be bothered’.

I’m feeling capable.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the subjects I’ve chosen, which have helped me to decide on a tentative-but-hopefully-concrete-by-the-end-of-this-semester plan for the rest of my time at uni in regards to majors and whatnot. Or perhaps it’s because of my new found resolve and determination to make this semester and this year a good one. Well, a better one. I’m not going to let stress get the best of me, I’m going to stay on top of things, and I’m going to make it to June and then to December feeling as good as I do currently. Yes. Yes I fucking will.

I pretty much have a perpetual shin-bruise from work. It’s almost an indicator now of how long it has been between my shifts. Since I’m always standing at the register (boss of reg awyis haha), my poor shin gets bruised at the same spot constantly, so when I’m not at work that bruise slowly goes away.

Listening to my playlist of R. Kelly and B2K to relax in bed and it’s making me miss my human pillow. Because what is better than lying on my warm personal heater of a boyfriend to drift off to sleep :’)

On the mend.

A sigh of relief, a weight lifted.

complications. there just had to be complications.

😦

fuck.

distraction.

agitated. anxious.

distraction, distraction.

Grandpa goes into surgery on monday. I’m worried, and scared, and probably more stressed than this warrants. Seventy percent chance of success. Those are good odds right…

I finally figured out minesweeper about a week or two ago, and I finally finished the intermediate level that I’d been stuck on for just as long. Awwwwwyeah.

No one’s awake and I can’t sleep so you guys get to know this first, haha.

First 3am post in a while.

She’s the Man… my ultimate feel good movie.

❤

Novelty tshirts. Such simple pleasure.

One of life’s great joys.

^_^

being myself sucks.

can I just go back to 2010 or something? 2010 didn’t have any tears.

11 hours and counting on my 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Disney world map over my world map desk, ehe. For someone with a terrible attention span, I’m pretty fucking proud of how much I’ve gotten done. Go me.

I feel slightly like a child by how absolutely mesmerised and delighted I am by this. It’s 1000 pieces of pure joy. And I do believe I am in love with it.

Although the dalmatian section was pretty overwhelming in spots for someone who prefers stripes. And I lost a puzzle piece for about 40 minutes and was distraught as heck. I may be a touch too attached to this puzzle already…