I have been hurt badly once and I do have fear in relationship. That is something that I couldn’t deny, well. I know life is about falling down and climbing up but somehow you just can’t forget the wound. Honestly I would like to commit deeply into a relationship and do open myself but it is easier said than done. It took me years to get go of my previous relationship which was truly that relationship was affected by my second girlfriend who broke me deeply and dated another guy. I felt insecure during the relationship with my ex even though I do love her previously. I remember having that fear that she would went for another guy and betray me after my breakup and through this years, the fear has been haunting me on girls I dated for the past 11 years. So somehow I would hold on to the feelings of girls because of my sentimental character yet when we are dating the fear daunted me. Somehow, I am not a perfect person! My childhood and my wound has made me become a very sensitive person even though It will took awhile for me to slowly trust and hand my heart over to them. I am scared of falling, hence I do build a wall around my heart. I have been told about this issue and I do wanted to face it and re-trust and re-Love again!
The funny part is always full of surprises. I wasn’t expect to meet a girl of what I am looking for in this bag packing trip and was actually awaiting for jobs opportunity in China. Somehow this particular girl has the characteristic of what I am looking for beside our age differences. It was comfortable with her and true enough she gave me the feeling and hope that she would be by my side walking my life journey together. But we are distance apart, a long distance indeed. There are so many “what if” that surround my heads now due to my lack of trust! What if there are other guys going for her ? What if our connection diluted and we drift apart ? What if she betray me and slept with other guy since I am not by her side ? What if things don’t work out in future? What if this fate has pass ? What if she is mass dating now ?
Well, life always give us situations for us to learn. I do knew that one of my biggest fear in life was trust, I have been broken once and I took the broken pieces bits and bits and fix my heart back. I do felt insecure but at the same time I do want to move on in life from the previous nightmare and get into a new life with new relationship.
Now it always two side of a coin, at one side I cannot be at her side and get hold of her yet having distance relationship now means I can focus on settling down on China if I do have a job there but at the same time my fear of losing her and feeling insecure is strong. I do know that this is the wrong feeling that I hold on now and I really trying to trust the environment again. Well, I have to emphasis to myself that every thing happens for a reason, every person we met do teach us a lesson!
I am boring person, a person who doesn’t stay in cliques and don’t like party life. I have been pursuing hard for my dreams and hopping to have a better family life in the near future. The future is unknown but I really hope to move on from my wound and fall in love again! Well writing the fears out really symbolised my desire for a change, I have no one I can speak to regarding to this and I really hope to trust again!