Please read me! (I need feedback)..."Dear Friend"...

Ok. So anyone who has read this blog remembers that the timing of my close friend's pregnancy could not have been ANY worse. She and her husband told us they were pregnant literally two weeks after our miscarriage, and that they were 10 weeks along. LIterally the EXACT amount of time we should have been. Bear with me, this may be a long post.

As any infertile knows - going to baby showers and dealing with friends/family that are pregnant when you are not is absolute TORTURE. Most infertiles will do whatever they can, in their power, to ignore their pregnant friends/family for as long as possible. Right or wrong, it's what we do.

I remember the rest of that night like it was yesterday. We were all out on our back deck (they'd come over for dinner). We had a fire going in our pit so it was dark out and we really couldn't see a lot of each other's faces - which is good because I was trying to hard to smile and laugh through the pain and the tears. I texted two of my "IF" girls (one who was going through a fresh IVF failure of her own :(...) and I was just in complete disbelief. I mean seriously?!!!! After they left, I turned (I'm not even sure they were down the driveway yet) but I turned and just sobbed like a baby into my husband's shoulder. I felt devastated. I felt like they had literally just taken a salt shaker and dumped it into my open wound.

And looking back now - I HATE that. I HATE SO MUCH that I felt that way - but I did. period. I did. I was so angry and hurt and mad and you name it, I felt it. I actually felt betrayed - as if they had done it on purpose, just to hurt me.  Which, yes, even on that night I knew better, I knew that was absolutely ludicrous - but most times emotions aren't logical. And that's how I felt.  I SHOULD have been happy and ecstatic that this friend was pregnant. Isn't that HOW friends are supposed to feel when their close friends announce they are pregnant? Especially with their first?!

I SHOULD have been thinking "this is fabulous! I get to help with the baby shower and I get to be an aunt!!!" but no. I felt as if not only had my world already come down on me, but one of the people I needed the most was literally shoveling the dirt into my grave.

I had told this friend - last year - that if they become pregnant before us, that eventually I would be happy for them, but for the first couple of months I wouldn't talk to her. I knew this about myself - I knew I'd be hurt before this even came to fruition.

She learned I wasn't joking about that. I didn't say it to be mean or hurtful. I just knew that if this happened (her getting pregnant first) that I would be sad because we have been trying for 4+ years and $20,000+ to try and get what everyone else gets for free and to see a close friend get it just hurts even more. It sucks. It's not right and it's not fair. I would do anything NOT to have these feelings - but I acknowledge them. I knew it then and obviously know it now.

But to have it happen LITERALLY RIGHT WHEN I have a miscarriage? I mean seriously - COULD the universe have shat any harder on me?

She and her husband were supposed to come over a few weeks ago to have dinner and she stayed home sick. I was honestly pissed because it was one of the first times I truly started "trying". She seemed so excited and happy that I had invited her over and my husband (who works with her husband...btw, I work with her, and our husbands sorta work with each other, but are also good buddies) told me that he (her husband) told him that she was so excited that I had invited her and couldn't wait to come over. Then she got sick and couldn't make it.

I (jokingly) told her husband that night "I wonder if she'd be mad at me for saying "well, if you wouldn't have gotten yourself knocked up, you wouldn't be sick!" jokingly, of course" - yeah, not the right time to say that yet...lol. He laughed, but we agreed I shouldn't say that to her. I also told him "Please don't think I'm mad at her or hate her. I don't. At all. It's just that I can't exactly be happy for you right now when it's impossible to be happy for myself. I'm just so sad." :(

Of course he told me over and over "Believe me, we are in your court, we want this for you SO bad. SHE wants this for you SO bad! And we would do anything for you that we can to help make it happen, if we could." Of course the only thing I wanted them to do was to WAIT to get pregnant til after us. Ridiculous request, I know, but that's the one and only thing I wish they could have done.

So anyways - I was mad at her that night for not showing up...for being told she SO wants to hang out and "misses" hanging out with me and thinks I'm mad at her - yet the first time I finally TRY to put myself out there for her, she's sick. Yes, again - LOGICALLY - I get that morning sickness sucks - and LOGICALLY I know it's "not about me" but damnit, in my world, it IS about me...

So anyways - at work, I haven't seen much of her because we have opposite schedules now and I only have the chance to see her one day a week actually in the building...we have had lunch together a few times on that day in the past few weeks, but of course I do everything I can NOT to say anything about the baby because it just hurts too much.

So this past week we were able to have lunch and I forced myself to ask her if they have found out the sex yet. They have not, but will at their next appointment. Then I asked her what her plans were for this weekend and I asked her if she wanted to get dinner together - just her and me - friday (last) night. She jumped at the chance. :)

I told my husband I had a "date" and he asked if he was invited. I told him - NO lol - this has to be just her and I. He understood.

So we went out and had a really good time. I "tried" to talk about her baby just a bit more (after 2 very strong cocktails, of course, lol) and she kept saying stuff like "drink up now because after July you won't be able to!" (she really DEOS want this for me, I know it!)...and she invited me to go canoeing with her tomorrow! It's a place we went tubing with her and her husband last year and then kayaking with her and another girlfriend of mine (girl's trip) for my birthday last year...it's about an hour and a half away from here - great little park.

So I jumped at the chance. Apparently it was supposed to be her and her husband but he has to work, so she asked me to go. Which I absolutely said yes!

So here's the thing - I want to talk to her about all of this. I want to spill my guts and my feelings to her. I feel like we have grown apart BECAUSE of her pregnancy and that kills me. I hate it. But I feel so torn because while I want to remain close friends AND be happy about the baby - the problem is that it just makes me so sad. I seriously feel so bi-polar (not that I know what true bi-polar is, and I'm not making fun of anyone with it) - but I WANT to be happy - part of me deep down CRAVES to be happy for her and be excited about her baby...but every time I try to bring those feelings to the surface, my sad feelings for me and my husband overwhelm me and all I want to do is cry. Tears of pain. Tears of suffering. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!

Even as I'm typing this, I'm in tears, mainly because even admitting TO all these feelings just makes me want to ball.

So - after all this - this is what I need feedback on...I know I won't say this verbatim but this is basically what I want to say.

Dear Friend,

I want to start this off by saying I really truly honestly want to be happy for you. Regardless of what my ludicrous emotions think, I KNOW you didn't get pregnant on purpose, just to hurt me. And it absolutely KILLS me that I can't be as excited for you right now as I should be. I WANT to be, and I know I will be eventually, but right now it's just not happening. It is getting better, but I'm not 100% there yet. I WANT to go shopping with you for baby stuff and I WANT to talk baby stuff with you, but you have to understand this couldn't have been any worse timing. I know you don't truly understand the pain I'm going through - and I don't WANT you to truly understand it because I'd never wish this type of pain on anyone. But what I need is for you to acknowledge what happened to me and how much it fucking sucks. I want to know that you understand WHY I haven't been able to be around you. I know we aren't "best friends" or anything - but you are one of my closest and dearest friends, and I love spending time with you. I understand that most people have no clue how much infertility hurts. So many women get pregnant so easily and if there was one wish I had in this life it would be that we didn't even know what infertility was. That we had a 3.5 year old by now because that's how old a child would be had we gotten pregnant when we first started. But that didn't happen and the last 4 years have been pure hell, trying to achieve what so many people get so easily. What so man people don't even WANT, we have to pay thousands of dollars to even TRY to conceive. Honestly, had my pregnancy continued, and we'd ended up pregnant with our firsts at the same time, I would have been THRILLED! But to not only lose my baby but then have to see you hit all the milestones at the exact same time that I'm supposed to be. THAT is what kills me. Especially because you have said so many times you weren't sure you even wanted kids. I am happy that you will never have to deal with the pain of infertility...but for me, this just sucks. It's not that you being pregnant sucks - it's me losing my baby and you ending up pregnant at the same time. It's the circumstance/timing itself that sucks. Like I said, I will eventually come around and want to do all the things a friend should for you during this pregnancy - and I WANT you to be able to be excited around me. I don't want you to tiptoe around me. But I do ask that you try and be as sensitive as you can and know that I will come around.

Sincerely,
Me.

My husband got SO pissed off, and that couldn't make me happier!

So most sports fans know by now that Indianapolis Colts player, Robert Mathis, has been suspended for four games due to taking "performance enhancement drugs"...

I don't watch the news anymore so had no idea what had happened...but on friday, my husband called me on his way home from work and was irate over this. Apparently it's all over the news that he has been banned from four games for taking Clomid. Clomid - the FERTILITY drug. The drug that they put my own husband on in order to try and help US get pregnant.

In fact - for Robert Mathis, him taking it HELPED them get pregnant and he even came out and TOLD everyone "we have fertility issues, I took it to help my wife get pregnant and it worked".

He has always been one of my husband's favorite players and now he is 1000% my husband's favorite player! Why my husband was so pissed, though, is because the sports radio he listens to - of course - had absolutely NO IDEA what clomid is used for. So he actually came home and emailed them our story and told them straight up, "Clomid is used for fertility, NOT for enhancing performance".

I am also on a a "news-strike" from anything on facebook (I have a problem with getting pissed off at internet comments)...but I decided to read a bunch of them regarding this issue...and I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised at the # of MEN on the NFL's facebook page who were all FOR Robert Mathis taking clomid and commented that this is for fertility and he's a great man for doing what he had to do!

But as far as the title of this post...it just made me so happy to finally hear from my husband how much something like this pisses him off. Because, of course, I'm VERY vocal about infertility and how much things piss me off...and he's usually not. So to hear him rant and rave about this helps me know how much this DOES piss him off...that I'm not the only one. ya know?

So in other news...aunt flow has FINALLY shown up (yay!) although she was here for like 7 days when normally she's only here for 3...but that's ok. So Cycle #1 down - cycle #2 and sorta 3 to go!
We have to wait 2 cycles to do another IVF cycle. So June will be #2 then July (cycle #3 will be the cycle we do our next IVF).

Of course, we pay completely 100% out of pocket and we didn't exactly have another $10,000 laying around. The first time (our fresh cycle) I took the money from my 401K...then for our first frozen, $$ came from my parents. For this last frozen cycle we had FSA (flexible spending account) that we used, but only gave us $2500 for the year, which of course is gone for this year.

So I knew that before our third cycle after m/c even got here, I NEEDED to have the money. We are absolutely doing a new cycle. We were so close and now that we know it CAN work, we HAVE to do another cycle.

So we looked at all of our options and thought about a home equity loan. The problem is - we already had a revolving home equity LINE with another bank (a much smaller loan)...so our house had to come back at a certain amount, in order for this new bank to be able to give us the new loan AND pay off the other line.

And...it did!!!!!!!!! So we got the new loan - paid off the other line - AND on top of that we were able to pay off two high interest credit cards! (that was about $5,000). So we have the $$ to do our next cycle AND we paid off debt! :D

So honestly - now - it literally is just waiting on my body. We are all set to do our next cycle and the biggest stress of all ($$$) isn't a stress at all!

Let's do this thing!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and the power of belief

So I really am trying...I do NOT want to lose the friendship I have with the girl who's as far along as I'm supposed to be. We're not like "best friends" by anymeans - but we are "close" friends. We do a lot together. We work together and on days when we are both in the office (which is pretty much just Thursdays) we eat lunch together. So we did today. I know she's under a lot of stress with work and all that, but I want to make sure I do what I can. But can I also tell you how incredible effing difficult it is? Sitting there - watching her all pregnant? I even tried to mention the pregnancy and maternity leave...and yes part of me hurt so much when I did this. But I need to. Yes part of me feels tortured but there's a tiny little part of me that keeps saying "you can do this" "you NEED to do this"...and I think, honestly what helped - is that I believe.

I believe - because I KNOW - that we WILL get pregnant and we WILL have a beautiful healthy child.

I just found a quote that I am IN LOVE with...

SOMETIMES THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES PUT US DIRECTLY ON THE PATH TO THE BEST THINGS THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.

And honestly, I have always believed this. Not this quote verbatim...but I've always looked back on my life and known that the bad things that happen have always made way for the best things to happen.

For example...right before I got the job at the place that I work now, I was working somewhere and got fired. It was the first place I ever really got fired from and I was devastated. It wasn't a GREAT job by any means, but it was better than fast food or wal-mart. I remember going to my apartment and throwing things around and throwing a temper tantrum like I was 3 years old.  I ended up being unemployed for about 6 months...and when my unemployment was running out - literally the very last week I could receive a check - I got a "temp" job at the place where I am now. That was 8 years and 3 departments ago AND I now make 3 times what I was making when I started there.

And to this day I have always believed that had I not gotten fired that day, I would never have found the job where I am now. A job I absolutely love (and hope to stay for the rest of my life). And while there I had a "fling" the first year with a co-worker's brother...and the breakup was SO effing hard on me - I literally cried for 6 months. But then a friend from work took me out one night, to get my mind off of guys, and I remember it truly was one of the first nights I went out NOT "looking" for "Mr. Right" and I found the love of my life. Granted, his sperm sucks, lol - but I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Even the absolutely shitty things in life.

This next one is probably the hardest thing for me to grasp. For so long - for FOUR YEARS I have had this absolute deep seeded fear that I couldn't get pregnant. Even though everything came back on me as "normal" (except for the tiny bit of endo last year) - and everything else was on his side...I just couldn't shake the belief that I'd never even get pregnant.

But you all know - I did because I CAN. Because it is physically possible FOR me TO BE pregnant. It was just a "bad egg"...

But I had a sorta not-really dream last night...It wasn't a true dream...but more of premonition maybe?...I remember laying there last night (half in/out of sleep) and looking down on myself and I was pregnant. Not even just a few weeks - but full term pregnant, with a happy baby and - no joke - there was a rainbow surrounding my belly. I know this sounds weird - but that's something I could NEVER in my "minds' eye" see in myself and that is actually BEING pregnant. But I saw that and it felt soooo right!

So - yes, having gone through this miscarriage has absolutely sucked. It still sucks. Yes I absolutely wish it had worked out. And if anyone else EVER says this to me - I will punch them in their eye (only I can say this to myself)...but maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe I NEEDED to KNOW that I can physically become pregnant. But maybe we need to get this home equity loan to pay off some debt and do a new full round of IVF to have our child/children.

I just need to believe.

Misery loves company...

So something I am trying to fight through is deciding to be happy vs. being miserable all day long. It is SO easy to be mad and pissed and angry and unhappy and down right miserable. It takes a lot of strength NOT to be those things and to look on the "brighter side" of things and try to be happy instead. I almost feel as if - if I decide to be happy then I'm not being true to my baby that I lost. I know that sounds silly and insane...but it's almost like I'm forgetting him/her if I do try and be happy.

It's almost as if - if I decide to be happy, then no one will know that I'm struggling. No one will know what I'm going through and they will all think that everything is honky dory...but I also know that the only person(s) that I'm hurting is myself (yes, and my husband).

I WANT to be happy. I WANT to look forward to our next cycle...but it's like these invisible hands are inside me and pulling me down saying "nope - you will be miserable and you'll like it!"...haha.

So we ARE moving forward. We have applied for a home equity loan (c'mon, isn't that how EVERYONE gets pregnant?) to do our next IVF cycle. We've been approved - but now everything rests on the appraisal. We had the "drive by" appraisal done today (where they look at your house from the outside) and if it comes back at enough, we're good to go! If it does not, then they will have to do a walk-through as well. HOPEFULLY - FINGERS CROSSED...everything is perfect on the outside!

I had a thought yesterday that maybe - just maybe - the reason why our pregnancy didn't last is because we are supposed to go through another fresh cycle to get more embryos. We used our last two that we had during this last cycle and the fact that only ONE took would have meant (had it worked and we had a healthy baby)...we have pretty much decided, unless we have twins, we are "one and done" because both of us are just so tired of going through all of this. Plus once we have a baby in our arms, my husband can FINALLY get on the testosterone that he needs to (he can't now as it'll kill what little sperm he has left)...and I can finally get back into the groove of losing weight and getting my body back.

Yes, we'd LOVE to have 2 children - that was always our "plan"...however, again, we are both at the point of "one and done"...for me, I don't care at this point - either sex will do...for him even though he's all about "one and done" he always adds "unless it's a girl - then we try for a boy" as he really wants a boy...lol - but honestly, even though he keeps saying that, I don't really think he cares even at this point.

BUT maybe - just maybe - losing our pregnancy is what we needed to do in order to push us to get this loan...this loan will #1 pay off our previous home equity loan (and the new loan has a much lower APR) as well as it will pay off our last two credit cards AND we'll have enough money to do our fresh IVF cycle! That is, assuming we get the amount we asked for.

Part of me is so excited and thrilled at all of this - we'll be paying off credit cards AND we will get the opportunity to get more embryos! I am absolutely looking forward to it...but some days I'm still just so angry and pissed. ugh. It's like with my friend...I WANT to be happy for her - I truly honestly do - but how can I be when I am not happy for myself? ya know?

All I think about - 24/7 (yes, even when I'm working...when I get up in the middle of the night, one of the first things I think about when I wake up in the morning...) is "wow, I don't have a baby". :(

empty void...i miss feeling joy.

ugh. I am so freakin' sick and tired of not being happy. I hate feeling like I'm just barely making it through the day. This shit sucks.

On the GOOD NEWS front, we have decided to absolutely 10000% do a new fresh cycle (retrieving eggs / fertilizing them) due to the fact that we don't have any more embryos left). The problem is - everything is and always will be 100% out of pocket...which we don't exactly have $12,000 to do another cycle. SO...we have applied for a home equity loan - because, it's NORMAL for people to do that in order to get pregnant, right?!!!!!!??

It WILL be good if we get the loan because well obviously it'll allow us to do another cycle (and hopefully bring home our child!)...but we should also have a little extra to pay off some credit card debt. :)

I also have another option I'm looking at, but I don't want to discuss that anywhere just yet. ;)

So I went to my follow up appointment the other day...and the GOOD news is that there WAS something wrong with the embryo. So while that does suck - it gives me hope. Hope because I CAN GET PREGNANT! and the fact that there was something wrong with the embryo itself tells me a lot.

#1 - my body did not "reject" the embryo - it implanted and therefore it IS possible for me to get pregnant. While I miscarried - it was because it was the embryo. Had there not been anything wrong WITH the embryo, I'd still be pregnant. My body CAN get pregnant.

#2 - it was a female/egg issue. Not uterine issue - not lining issue - not sperm issue. So because it was something with the egg itself and from what I understand is pretty rare for it to happen a second time...that gives me hope.

#3 - we (as in my doctor) knows what protocol to follow now. :D

Also - I absolutely LOVE my RE. Seriously! I can tell how much he cares about his patients and he WANTS to see us pregnant. He has never treated us like a number and he said he will even do what he can to help with our next cycle (such as have his nurse talk to drug reps about free samples for me!) And he's also helping with the other option I'm not going to discuss just yet...it's a long shot, but we're gonna try. ;)

But as for the post's name. I am so frickin' sick and tired of feeling sad. I hate this shit. So my close friend (who's  exactly as far along as I'm supposed to be) just announced her pregnancy on facebook. I knew it was bound to happen. I knew how too, as I'm on her pinterest page. But it still hurts to see it. That should be US. I wouldn't even mind for it to be us and them...but no. It's just them. That effing sucks. I WANT to be happy for them...I truly honest to god do...but I can't even be happy for myself for anything right now. :(
I'm just sad. Like 24/7 flippin' sad. :( I hate it. So much.

It really doesn't help that I feel SURROUNDED by pregnancies either...my friend and then our next door neighbor (we are extremely close to their backyard...our deck is high off the ground so we see over our 6 foot tall privacy fence right into their backyard)...and yesterday they had their "gender reveal party" and today - we're outside because it is beautiful out and we're doing some landscaping...and they're out having fun with friends. God I would love to have "fun"... :(

I KNOW it's going to work. I KNOW we WILL be successful. But damnit right here. Right now. It fucking sucks.

to my friend...

this is what I need to say to her...

yup. this.

DEAR LIFE - FUCK YOU (part 2).

Dear life/universe/whothe-f-ever - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I just found out - one of my closest friends - who believe me, I absolutely love dearly...she's an amazing person - and her and her husband are mine and my husband's closest "couple" friends...but seriously??!!!!!!!!!! 

I have to tell everyone - they are totally rooting for us and want it so bad for us - and would do anything FOR us...but they came out and told us tonight they are pregnant - and not only are they pregnant - they are - 10 WEEKS ALONG! that's EXACTLY where I'd be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be happy - I do. They are amazing people and totally deserve this - but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry, I just had to get that out.  now all I want to do is cry.

Why infertility sucks.

It makes me sad. There truly is that "void" that women talk about. I hate feeling like anymore I get up - go to work - come home - and "get in position"...which my husband and I laugh at...but basically every night he is on one end of the couch playing farm town and I'm on the other end of the couch on my laptop just browsing facebook or the internet. every.single.night.

I laugh at myself sometimes because one of the reasons that I want a baby SO badly (asides from sharing our life which a child) is because I'm bored. Society "condemns" teens for wanting a baby because of boredom - but that's ABSOLUTELY one reason WHY this 34 - soon to be 35 - year old WANTS a baby!

I work. We work. But for what? Sometimes I wonder what's the point of really working hard and doing everything right when life just says "fuck you!" Yes I absolutely love my husband more than anything - but I know that a child would make us feel "complete". We would be able to do birthday parties - take him/her to baseball games, the children's museum, the park, all sorts of stuff. But when you're childless and you do that, people look at you funny.

Last weekend, for example, my husband had some yard work to do, but I really didn't have ANYTHING to do. Yes I've got hobbies...but those hobbies make me think of how sad it is that we don't have kids yet. I am trying to teach myself how to sew and I've always liked scrapbooking - but what's the point if I can't sew cute clothes for my baby or scrapbook my baby's first years?...

I talked with my husband, again, last night about what our plans for future baby makin' are...and it's funny. When we first started this - he was all "we have three shots" (as we had 6 embies, 2 each shot) "If they don't work, we'll try something else". He didn't want to keep trying and spending money...

But because the last one "worked" he's now all "Let's figure out the $$ and do it again!" which yes is nice - but that also terrifies me that it may not work. It's SUCH a huge gamble! He thinks we'll have awesome embies like we did last time - but a good friend of mine just finished her fourth (failed) IVF cycle...and her cycles almost mirror mine (minus the m/c)...their first fresh, they got like 6 beautiful embies like we did - they ended up doing three (failed) cycles. They did a fourth cycle - fresh - got 7 beautiful embies - transferred two and the other 5 didn't make it to freeze! That TERRIFIES me!

And now he's also against embryo adoption because he wants his own SO badly! Which I can't blame him - but honestly - at this point - I could care less about genetics!

I'm also a member of a volunteer organization which is mainly retired people...I went to a meeting the other night and while they are all great people - all of them are, of course, grandparents. It just makes me so sad to think one day I'm going to wake up and be their age and never have had a child.

It just sucks. It fucking sucks so fucking much! I mean honestly - WHAT THE HELL DID I DO to deserve this? I work hard - harder than most people - I WANT this SO much more than most people - and yet some people - especially those lazy ass idiots who live off the government who don't even WANT children, get them handed out to them like candy at a parade. Me? It's like I got to the parade last and have to pay thousands of dollars for that one last piece of candy only to have some clown swoop in and steal it away from me.

Again - dear infertility - FUCK YOU!

(sorry for all the profanity but sometimes you just need to say it).

since this is one of the only places I can say this...

Dear life - FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously - FUCK YOU and your fucking "blighted ovum".

God I hope I am allowed to drink soon.

Hope? Trying to remain positive. Some days are better than others. :)

141 hours left until my u/s. Yes, I am counting down the hours. So I went in for my progesterone check yesterday. Per online calcs, I should be 6 weeks today. :)

My progesterone is 31.97 - WHICH per online information I keep reading - anything between 9 - 47 in the first trimester is good!

So I'm really holding on to this hope! Normally I know they say that progesterone really isn't an indicator of things - but even during the 2ww to my beta from transfer, my progesterone was 80 whereas the past two cycles it was 10. And so I took THAT as a good sign!

Dear God - Please, I beg of you - PLEASE let me have at least ONE viable baby in my womb! Amen.

Today's horoscope and google...

Ok, so I HAVE to FORCE myself to stay away from google. It brings me NOTHING but anxiety (well, 80% anxiety and 20% hope, lol).

Seriously - for every happy story where slow-rising betas end up with a happy ending - there's way too many that end up not happy.

I just have to STOP reading those bad stories!!! I know I pissed my husband off last night with my anxiety (which he should know after 8 years together how bad my anxiety can get! C'mon I see a therapist BECAUSE of my anxiety!)...

So anyways - I got a text from an AWESOME friend today (who's also doing IVF and could use T&P!)...and she and I are both Virgos. She sent me our horoscope for the day and seriously - it's like it was written specifically FOR me!

"You can have what you want, but will you want what you have? You may be in a particularly fickle state of mind right now, Virgo. There are so many things that look appealing to you. Right now you are like the goose that laid the golden egg - good things keep happening, and although there is no reasonable reason to doubt any of it - you are starting to have doubts. The best advice for you now is to stop questioning everything. Try to see the world through the eyes of a child."

Beta hell...TRYING to stay positive!

I hate beta's. seriously - they should NOT even tell you what the number is - just say "Yup! It's positive, you are pregnant!! We will see you at your 6 week u/s!"

So Beta #3 came back. GOOD news it - it has risen! Bad news...still not really doubling...

Beta #1 - 14dp5dt or 19dpo was 206.
Beta #2 - 17p5dt or 22dpo was 333.

That's a doubling time of 103 hours...

Beta #3 - 19dp5dt or 24dpo was 551.

That's now a doubling time of 66 hours (if I take Monday's # and today's #...)

I'm hoping and praying that A - it's a later implanter and B - both took and only one is truly viable.

The GREAT news is - no bleeding or spotting or pain or anything (knock on wood)...

The nurse called and said the doc wants me to "wait it out" and they will see me on the 24th for the ultra sound...

I have found some great stories on line that are similar to my numbers that progressed into healthy pregnancies with beautiful babies born. So that gives me hope. :)

Please - I'm just gonna come right out and ask - I could use all the thoughts and prayers you all have!!!!

Beta #2 and Dr. Google...

Ok - so I went in for Beta #2 yesterday and it's not where I hoped it would be. :( The GREAT news is that it went up! :D However it didn't double.

So on 14dp5dt (or 19dpo) - last friday / beta day - it was 206.
And yesterday on 17dp5dt (22dpo) - it was 333.

So again - the GREAT news is that it went up! But I was really hoping to have seen it doubled.

My nurse didn't sound overly concerned...they want me to keep doing what I'm doing, progesterone wise and come in for my 6 week u/s on Monday March 24.

I called her back a few minutes after we hung up, however, and asked if it would be worth it to get a third beta done tomorrow (Wednesday). She said she'd talk to the doc and see what he wanted.

She called back and he said, yes, we can do a third beta! :D

So of course - even though I KNOW better...I've been at "Dr. Google's" "office" all night long! I really need to stop. Dr. Google seriously should have some malpractice suits against him! haha!

So I have come to realize that #1, the whole "doubling in 48-72 hours" isn't 100% true...I believe they want to see at least 66% in 48 hours...granted, mine was 61% in 72 hours...

I really am trying (and failing) to be positive. I need to talk about my BABY because I AM pregnant. It is just so very hard when something I've wanted for 4 years is finally given to me and there's just so many other possibilities.

And for every 2 or 3 good things I find googling beta numbers, of course there's 10 bad things...but I have to remember "misery loves company" - meaning that more people are going to post about their bad experiences than their good.

One thing I have read is it is very possible that BOTH took - but only one is viable and so the other is messing with the viable's numbers?!

Also - MOST women (natural pregnancies) don't even KNOW they are pregnant until at LEAST 10 weeks or more...so they have NO idea about beta numbers or anything like that. Many don't even get a blood test "oh, HPT is positive. I'm pregnant" end of story.

So I just need to be positive and remember this FANTASTIC quote I saw at work today:

"IF YOUR MIND BELIEVES, YOUR BODY CAN ACHIEVE"!

3 letters and a 3 digit number that has hopefully changed my life forever...BFP / 206

Holy shit. So I am still trying to let this sink in. b.f.p - yes. that is a P after that b and f. Not an N. BFP as in Big Fat POSITIVE!!!!! Ladies, we have a beta. 206.

I know I haven't posted in a while - we sorta took a "forced" break - due to finances and all that...and we had two little beautiful totcicles left at our RE's office...just waiting. For us.

We decided to try again as soon as we could in 2014. My cycle started on Feb 2nd. Then my doctor decided to do a different FET protocol this time. We did stimulation + trigger. I was on femara for about a week then I was on gonal F. Then we triggered and "tried at home" after trigger - then we transferred our last two beautiful embies 5 days past ovulation. An INCREDIBLE friend (you know who you are!) suggested I drink Pineapple juice (not from concentrate) and I did that up until transfer. Then the day OF transfer for 5 days after I ate 1 small piece of pineapple core...
The doc also decided to put me on progesterone suppositories at night and 1cc of PIO in the morning. (I believe this helped TREMENDOUSLY)! And, of course, I will still be on this for the next 8 weeks or so.

Waited through the dreaded 2ww - analyzing and obsessing over absolutely everything I possibly could...thinking EVERYTHING I did screwed it up. For example - the day after transfer I ran around like a mad woman going about business as usual, doing a ton of errands - then that night we went to a friend's birthday party at a bowling ally...but knowing I shouldn't be picking up anything too heavy I didn't bowl...HOWEVER afterwards we went to a private bar (owned by one of their aunts) and while smoking in bars is illegal in Indiana - it IS allowed in private establishments...so of course I thought being around 2nd hand smoke for an hour screwed things up...

About a week later my parents came to visit and I was driving around in my father's jeep which had heated seats - which I normally LOVE - and didn't think about it until a few hours later "holy crap - did I just hurt my chances with heated seats?"...

But then I got my progesterone done halfway through. I KNOW that EVERYONE says progesterone doesn't tell you that you're pregnant and isn't suppose to indicate pregnancy at all. However. My first and second cycles...my progesterone was around 10. This time - it was "<80"!! My awesome friend (again, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) who went through my same doctor - said hers was around 70 when she conceived her daughter - so that at least gave me hope.

I also refused to POAS. I'm not actually one TO POAS...but the first cycle I tried on an OPK (hey, I read it can show hcg, lol) - second cycle I tried an HPT and nothing...well nothing but grief. So this time - my husband made me promise I wouldn't. So I didn't...well at least not til after beta. :D However I have promised said friend from above some beautiful POAS stick pictures, so I will be going to CVS today to pick some 2 liners up. :D

So finally yesterday arrived. Beta day. I was lucky enough to be working from home. I remember my first cycle - when it was BFN I was at work and my supervisor was kind enough to let me leave for the day as I was in tears and an absolute flipping mess. Second cycle I was at home - but that still sucked. Yesterday I was at home. I went in early to have my blood drawn - it was "STAT" however I knew from experience that if it was negative, the nurse wouldn't call til like 4 p.m. At 11 a.m. my phone rang. OMG I know that number! So I answer and it's my nurse.
Nurse K - "hey there...how's your day going so far?"
Me - "pretty good so far."
Nurse K - "well, it's about to get even better!"
Me - "omg are you serious?"
Nurse K - "girl, I'm calling to tell you that you're pregnant!"
Me - ok, here I just start balling and blubbering - but I did manage to ask what my beta was.
Nurse K - "It is 206, we want you to come back on Monday for your 2nd beta and an ultra sound in 2 weeks"!

I thanked her and hung up and immediately called my husband. He thought - since I was crying - that it was negative until I finally got out "OMG OMG OMG WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!"

Course what sucked here is that he wouldn't be home til like 6:30 - but when he came home he did so with a dozen roses in hand. :)

OMG. We are PREGNANT!

wow. I can not quit saying that! I AM PREGNANT I AM PREGNANT! HOLY EFFING SHIT I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Four years ago this month. March 2010. I ditched the birth control pills. Our wedding would be in June, but I thought "well, if I'm 2 months along no biggie"...how naive I was. One year goes by - nothing - we find out we're "infertile" um we're what? That's not supposed to be us! Everyone on both sides of our families can look at a guy and get pregnant (ok, to be fair, that's only on my husband's step-families side...on his biological side, he may be the only cousin to have a child).
Four years. 3 cycles. 3rd time is the charm. Four years almost to the day that I stopped taking my birth control - I am PREGNANT!

Now yes - I know we still have hurdles to get over. And IRL I've only told about 10 people...as long as everything progresses as it should - we will tell both sets of parents on Mothers Day (OMG, that has been a dream of mine for so long!). Again, 2nd beta is on Monday and our first ultra sound is in 2 weeks.

I am asking for thoughts and prayers that this moves along beautifully and in November we will welcome our baby into this world.

OMG I.AM.PREGNANT!

Here's the actual "two lines"...just because :)

Out with the old, in with the new!! AND...what happened on Christmas. :)

Ok, so I LOVE New Years! I do - to me, a new year ALWAYS means a new beginning. It's a "do-over" from years' past. I will make 2014 all it is I want it to be!

So Christmas. I have to say - it was really good! Thanking God for small favors, the girl from last year - the one who got up and announced to the room "I know I shouldn't smoke, being pregnant and all"...as she sat there downing soda pop after soda pop (two months after our first failed IVF)...didn't end up showing up because she had to work. I was also afraid of having to deal with my husband's nephew's new GF who he recently knocked up...and she had to work on Christmas Eve. Now, she (the knocked up GF) did show up on Christmas Day - however, she was very nice, cordial and quiet. She kept to herself and didn't make a spectacle of herself.

Now, in saying that - though...so the pregnant smoking chick - her older sister WAS there...this girl is 24 years old an has a 2 year old child as well as a 1-2 month old infant. The infant was perfectly fine - as my MIL sat there with him all night and he didn't cry or really even make a sound...the 2 year old on the other hand. OMG - his "parents" have NO clue! He was being a horribly bratty 2 year old ALL NIGHT LONG. While there were some points when the kid was acting OK, he kept throwing temper tantrums and all the "parents" would do was threaten him "if you don't settle down, I'll take you to the bathroom!" While never actually going through with it or doing ANYTHING to make him settle down. The girl - who, granted, her mother is my brother in law's wife, so she had a lot of presents to open up herself...sat there more concerned with what she had gotten/was getting than her child!

My husband and I SERIOUSLY wanted to take both of THEM into the bathroom and smack the shit out of THEM!

ugh. But other than that...it really was good. My husband got me some pretty amazing things and my mother took me clothes shopping (which I have been horribly in need of!)!

So all in all, I am happy with Christmas of 2013. But 2013 IS behind us and now - let's bring on 2014!!!

Happiest New Year wishes to all!!