Misery loves company...

So something I am trying to fight through is deciding to be happy vs. being miserable all day long. It is SO easy to be mad and pissed and angry and unhappy and down right miserable. It takes a lot of strength NOT to be those things and to look on the "brighter side" of things and try to be happy instead. I almost feel as if - if I decide to be happy then I'm not being true to my baby that I lost. I know that sounds silly and insane...but it's almost like I'm forgetting him/her if I do try and be happy.

It's almost as if - if I decide to be happy, then no one will know that I'm struggling. No one will know what I'm going through and they will all think that everything is honky dory...but I also know that the only person(s) that I'm hurting is myself (yes, and my husband).

I WANT to be happy. I WANT to look forward to our next cycle...but it's like these invisible hands are inside me and pulling me down saying "nope - you will be miserable and you'll like it!"...haha.

So we ARE moving forward. We have applied for a home equity loan (c'mon, isn't that how EVERYONE gets pregnant?) to do our next IVF cycle. We've been approved - but now everything rests on the appraisal. We had the "drive by" appraisal done today (where they look at your house from the outside) and if it comes back at enough, we're good to go! If it does not, then they will have to do a walk-through as well. HOPEFULLY - FINGERS CROSSED...everything is perfect on the outside!

I had a thought yesterday that maybe - just maybe - the reason why our pregnancy didn't last is because we are supposed to go through another fresh cycle to get more embryos. We used our last two that we had during this last cycle and the fact that only ONE took would have meant (had it worked and we had a healthy baby)...we have pretty much decided, unless we have twins, we are "one and done" because both of us are just so tired of going through all of this. Plus once we have a baby in our arms, my husband can FINALLY get on the testosterone that he needs to (he can't now as it'll kill what little sperm he has left)...and I can finally get back into the groove of losing weight and getting my body back.

Yes, we'd LOVE to have 2 children - that was always our "plan"...however, again, we are both at the point of "one and done"...for me, I don't care at this point - either sex will do...for him even though he's all about "one and done" he always adds "unless it's a girl - then we try for a boy" as he really wants a boy...lol - but honestly, even though he keeps saying that, I don't really think he cares even at this point.

BUT maybe - just maybe - losing our pregnancy is what we needed to do in order to push us to get this loan...this loan will #1 pay off our previous home equity loan (and the new loan has a much lower APR) as well as it will pay off our last two credit cards AND we'll have enough money to do our fresh IVF cycle! That is, assuming we get the amount we asked for.

Part of me is so excited and thrilled at all of this - we'll be paying off credit cards AND we will get the opportunity to get more embryos! I am absolutely looking forward to it...but some days I'm still just so angry and pissed. ugh. It's like with my friend...I WANT to be happy for her - I truly honestly do - but how can I be when I am not happy for myself? ya know?

All I think about - 24/7 (yes, even when I'm working...when I get up in the middle of the night, one of the first things I think about when I wake up in the morning...) is "wow, I don't have a baby". :(

empty void...i miss feeling joy.

ugh. I am so freakin' sick and tired of not being happy. I hate feeling like I'm just barely making it through the day. This shit sucks.

On the GOOD NEWS front, we have decided to absolutely 10000% do a new fresh cycle (retrieving eggs / fertilizing them) due to the fact that we don't have any more embryos left). The problem is - everything is and always will be 100% out of pocket...which we don't exactly have $12,000 to do another cycle. SO...we have applied for a home equity loan - because, it's NORMAL for people to do that in order to get pregnant, right?!!!!!!??

It WILL be good if we get the loan because well obviously it'll allow us to do another cycle (and hopefully bring home our child!)...but we should also have a little extra to pay off some credit card debt. :)

I also have another option I'm looking at, but I don't want to discuss that anywhere just yet. ;)

So I went to my follow up appointment the other day...and the GOOD news is that there WAS something wrong with the embryo. So while that does suck - it gives me hope. Hope because I CAN GET PREGNANT! and the fact that there was something wrong with the embryo itself tells me a lot.

#1 - my body did not "reject" the embryo - it implanted and therefore it IS possible for me to get pregnant. While I miscarried - it was because it was the embryo. Had there not been anything wrong WITH the embryo, I'd still be pregnant. My body CAN get pregnant.

#2 - it was a female/egg issue. Not uterine issue - not lining issue - not sperm issue. So because it was something with the egg itself and from what I understand is pretty rare for it to happen a second time...that gives me hope.

#3 - we (as in my doctor) knows what protocol to follow now. :D

Also - I absolutely LOVE my RE. Seriously! I can tell how much he cares about his patients and he WANTS to see us pregnant. He has never treated us like a number and he said he will even do what he can to help with our next cycle (such as have his nurse talk to drug reps about free samples for me!) And he's also helping with the other option I'm not going to discuss just yet...it's a long shot, but we're gonna try. ;)

But as for the post's name. I am so frickin' sick and tired of feeling sad. I hate this shit. So my close friend (who's  exactly as far along as I'm supposed to be) just announced her pregnancy on facebook. I knew it was bound to happen. I knew how too, as I'm on her pinterest page. But it still hurts to see it. That should be US. I wouldn't even mind for it to be us and them...but no. It's just them. That effing sucks. I WANT to be happy for them...I truly honest to god do...but I can't even be happy for myself for anything right now. :(
I'm just sad. Like 24/7 flippin' sad. :( I hate it. So much.

It really doesn't help that I feel SURROUNDED by pregnancies either...my friend and then our next door neighbor (we are extremely close to their backyard...our deck is high off the ground so we see over our 6 foot tall privacy fence right into their backyard)...and yesterday they had their "gender reveal party" and today - we're outside because it is beautiful out and we're doing some landscaping...and they're out having fun with friends. God I would love to have "fun"... :(

I KNOW it's going to work. I KNOW we WILL be successful. But damnit right here. Right now. It fucking sucks.

to my friend...

this is what I need to say to her...

yup. this.

DEAR LIFE - FUCK YOU (part 2).

Dear life/universe/whothe-f-ever - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I just found out - one of my closest friends - who believe me, I absolutely love dearly...she's an amazing person - and her and her husband are mine and my husband's closest "couple" friends...but seriously??!!!!!!!!!! 

I have to tell everyone - they are totally rooting for us and want it so bad for us - and would do anything FOR us...but they came out and told us tonight they are pregnant - and not only are they pregnant - they are - 10 WEEKS ALONG! that's EXACTLY where I'd be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be happy - I do. They are amazing people and totally deserve this - but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry, I just had to get that out.  now all I want to do is cry.

Why infertility sucks.

It makes me sad. There truly is that "void" that women talk about. I hate feeling like anymore I get up - go to work - come home - and "get in position"...which my husband and I laugh at...but basically every night he is on one end of the couch playing farm town and I'm on the other end of the couch on my laptop just browsing facebook or the internet. every.single.night.

I laugh at myself sometimes because one of the reasons that I want a baby SO badly (asides from sharing our life which a child) is because I'm bored. Society "condemns" teens for wanting a baby because of boredom - but that's ABSOLUTELY one reason WHY this 34 - soon to be 35 - year old WANTS a baby!

I work. We work. But for what? Sometimes I wonder what's the point of really working hard and doing everything right when life just says "fuck you!" Yes I absolutely love my husband more than anything - but I know that a child would make us feel "complete". We would be able to do birthday parties - take him/her to baseball games, the children's museum, the park, all sorts of stuff. But when you're childless and you do that, people look at you funny.

Last weekend, for example, my husband had some yard work to do, but I really didn't have ANYTHING to do. Yes I've got hobbies...but those hobbies make me think of how sad it is that we don't have kids yet. I am trying to teach myself how to sew and I've always liked scrapbooking - but what's the point if I can't sew cute clothes for my baby or scrapbook my baby's first years?...

I talked with my husband, again, last night about what our plans for future baby makin' are...and it's funny. When we first started this - he was all "we have three shots" (as we had 6 embies, 2 each shot) "If they don't work, we'll try something else". He didn't want to keep trying and spending money...

But because the last one "worked" he's now all "Let's figure out the $$ and do it again!" which yes is nice - but that also terrifies me that it may not work. It's SUCH a huge gamble! He thinks we'll have awesome embies like we did last time - but a good friend of mine just finished her fourth (failed) IVF cycle...and her cycles almost mirror mine (minus the m/c)...their first fresh, they got like 6 beautiful embies like we did - they ended up doing three (failed) cycles. They did a fourth cycle - fresh - got 7 beautiful embies - transferred two and the other 5 didn't make it to freeze! That TERRIFIES me!

And now he's also against embryo adoption because he wants his own SO badly! Which I can't blame him - but honestly - at this point - I could care less about genetics!

I'm also a member of a volunteer organization which is mainly retired people...I went to a meeting the other night and while they are all great people - all of them are, of course, grandparents. It just makes me so sad to think one day I'm going to wake up and be their age and never have had a child.

It just sucks. It fucking sucks so fucking much! I mean honestly - WHAT THE HELL DID I DO to deserve this? I work hard - harder than most people - I WANT this SO much more than most people - and yet some people - especially those lazy ass idiots who live off the government who don't even WANT children, get them handed out to them like candy at a parade. Me? It's like I got to the parade last and have to pay thousands of dollars for that one last piece of candy only to have some clown swoop in and steal it away from me.

Again - dear infertility - FUCK YOU!

(sorry for all the profanity but sometimes you just need to say it).