Please read me! (I need feedback)..."Dear Friend"...

Ok. So anyone who has read this blog remembers that the timing of my close friend's pregnancy could not have been ANY worse. She and her husband told us they were pregnant literally two weeks after our miscarriage, and that they were 10 weeks along. LIterally the EXACT amount of time we should have been. Bear with me, this may be a long post.

As any infertile knows - going to baby showers and dealing with friends/family that are pregnant when you are not is absolute TORTURE. Most infertiles will do whatever they can, in their power, to ignore their pregnant friends/family for as long as possible. Right or wrong, it's what we do.

I remember the rest of that night like it was yesterday. We were all out on our back deck (they'd come over for dinner). We had a fire going in our pit so it was dark out and we really couldn't see a lot of each other's faces - which is good because I was trying to hard to smile and laugh through the pain and the tears. I texted two of my "IF" girls (one who was going through a fresh IVF failure of her own :(...) and I was just in complete disbelief. I mean seriously?!!!! After they left, I turned (I'm not even sure they were down the driveway yet) but I turned and just sobbed like a baby into my husband's shoulder. I felt devastated. I felt like they had literally just taken a salt shaker and dumped it into my open wound.

And looking back now - I HATE that. I HATE SO MUCH that I felt that way - but I did. period. I did. I was so angry and hurt and mad and you name it, I felt it. I actually felt betrayed - as if they had done it on purpose, just to hurt me.  Which, yes, even on that night I knew better, I knew that was absolutely ludicrous - but most times emotions aren't logical. And that's how I felt.  I SHOULD have been happy and ecstatic that this friend was pregnant. Isn't that HOW friends are supposed to feel when their close friends announce they are pregnant? Especially with their first?!

I SHOULD have been thinking "this is fabulous! I get to help with the baby shower and I get to be an aunt!!!" but no. I felt as if not only had my world already come down on me, but one of the people I needed the most was literally shoveling the dirt into my grave.

I had told this friend - last year - that if they become pregnant before us, that eventually I would be happy for them, but for the first couple of months I wouldn't talk to her. I knew this about myself - I knew I'd be hurt before this even came to fruition.

She learned I wasn't joking about that. I didn't say it to be mean or hurtful. I just knew that if this happened (her getting pregnant first) that I would be sad because we have been trying for 4+ years and $20,000+ to try and get what everyone else gets for free and to see a close friend get it just hurts even more. It sucks. It's not right and it's not fair. I would do anything NOT to have these feelings - but I acknowledge them. I knew it then and obviously know it now.

But to have it happen LITERALLY RIGHT WHEN I have a miscarriage? I mean seriously - COULD the universe have shat any harder on me?

She and her husband were supposed to come over a few weeks ago to have dinner and she stayed home sick. I was honestly pissed because it was one of the first times I truly started "trying". She seemed so excited and happy that I had invited her over and my husband (who works with her husband...btw, I work with her, and our husbands sorta work with each other, but are also good buddies) told me that he (her husband) told him that she was so excited that I had invited her and couldn't wait to come over. Then she got sick and couldn't make it.

I (jokingly) told her husband that night "I wonder if she'd be mad at me for saying "well, if you wouldn't have gotten yourself knocked up, you wouldn't be sick!" jokingly, of course" - yeah, not the right time to say that yet...lol. He laughed, but we agreed I shouldn't say that to her. I also told him "Please don't think I'm mad at her or hate her. I don't. At all. It's just that I can't exactly be happy for you right now when it's impossible to be happy for myself. I'm just so sad." :(

Of course he told me over and over "Believe me, we are in your court, we want this for you SO bad. SHE wants this for you SO bad! And we would do anything for you that we can to help make it happen, if we could." Of course the only thing I wanted them to do was to WAIT to get pregnant til after us. Ridiculous request, I know, but that's the one and only thing I wish they could have done.

So anyways - I was mad at her that night for not showing up...for being told she SO wants to hang out and "misses" hanging out with me and thinks I'm mad at her - yet the first time I finally TRY to put myself out there for her, she's sick. Yes, again - LOGICALLY - I get that morning sickness sucks - and LOGICALLY I know it's "not about me" but damnit, in my world, it IS about me...

So anyways - at work, I haven't seen much of her because we have opposite schedules now and I only have the chance to see her one day a week actually in the building...we have had lunch together a few times on that day in the past few weeks, but of course I do everything I can NOT to say anything about the baby because it just hurts too much.

So this past week we were able to have lunch and I forced myself to ask her if they have found out the sex yet. They have not, but will at their next appointment. Then I asked her what her plans were for this weekend and I asked her if she wanted to get dinner together - just her and me - friday (last) night. She jumped at the chance. :)

I told my husband I had a "date" and he asked if he was invited. I told him - NO lol - this has to be just her and I. He understood.

So we went out and had a really good time. I "tried" to talk about her baby just a bit more (after 2 very strong cocktails, of course, lol) and she kept saying stuff like "drink up now because after July you won't be able to!" (she really DEOS want this for me, I know it!)...and she invited me to go canoeing with her tomorrow! It's a place we went tubing with her and her husband last year and then kayaking with her and another girlfriend of mine (girl's trip) for my birthday last year...it's about an hour and a half away from here - great little park.

So I jumped at the chance. Apparently it was supposed to be her and her husband but he has to work, so she asked me to go. Which I absolutely said yes!

So here's the thing - I want to talk to her about all of this. I want to spill my guts and my feelings to her. I feel like we have grown apart BECAUSE of her pregnancy and that kills me. I hate it. But I feel so torn because while I want to remain close friends AND be happy about the baby - the problem is that it just makes me so sad. I seriously feel so bi-polar (not that I know what true bi-polar is, and I'm not making fun of anyone with it) - but I WANT to be happy - part of me deep down CRAVES to be happy for her and be excited about her baby...but every time I try to bring those feelings to the surface, my sad feelings for me and my husband overwhelm me and all I want to do is cry. Tears of pain. Tears of suffering. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!

Even as I'm typing this, I'm in tears, mainly because even admitting TO all these feelings just makes me want to ball.

So - after all this - this is what I need feedback on...I know I won't say this verbatim but this is basically what I want to say.

Dear Friend,

I want to start this off by saying I really truly honestly want to be happy for you. Regardless of what my ludicrous emotions think, I KNOW you didn't get pregnant on purpose, just to hurt me. And it absolutely KILLS me that I can't be as excited for you right now as I should be. I WANT to be, and I know I will be eventually, but right now it's just not happening. It is getting better, but I'm not 100% there yet. I WANT to go shopping with you for baby stuff and I WANT to talk baby stuff with you, but you have to understand this couldn't have been any worse timing. I know you don't truly understand the pain I'm going through - and I don't WANT you to truly understand it because I'd never wish this type of pain on anyone. But what I need is for you to acknowledge what happened to me and how much it fucking sucks. I want to know that you understand WHY I haven't been able to be around you. I know we aren't "best friends" or anything - but you are one of my closest and dearest friends, and I love spending time with you. I understand that most people have no clue how much infertility hurts. So many women get pregnant so easily and if there was one wish I had in this life it would be that we didn't even know what infertility was. That we had a 3.5 year old by now because that's how old a child would be had we gotten pregnant when we first started. But that didn't happen and the last 4 years have been pure hell, trying to achieve what so many people get so easily. What so man people don't even WANT, we have to pay thousands of dollars to even TRY to conceive. Honestly, had my pregnancy continued, and we'd ended up pregnant with our firsts at the same time, I would have been THRILLED! But to not only lose my baby but then have to see you hit all the milestones at the exact same time that I'm supposed to be. THAT is what kills me. Especially because you have said so many times you weren't sure you even wanted kids. I am happy that you will never have to deal with the pain of infertility...but for me, this just sucks. It's not that you being pregnant sucks - it's me losing my baby and you ending up pregnant at the same time. It's the circumstance/timing itself that sucks. Like I said, I will eventually come around and want to do all the things a friend should for you during this pregnancy - and I WANT you to be able to be excited around me. I don't want you to tiptoe around me. But I do ask that you try and be as sensitive as you can and know that I will come around.

Sincerely,
Me.

My husband got SO pissed off, and that couldn't make me happier!

So most sports fans know by now that Indianapolis Colts player, Robert Mathis, has been suspended for four games due to taking "performance enhancement drugs"...

I don't watch the news anymore so had no idea what had happened...but on friday, my husband called me on his way home from work and was irate over this. Apparently it's all over the news that he has been banned from four games for taking Clomid. Clomid - the FERTILITY drug. The drug that they put my own husband on in order to try and help US get pregnant.

In fact - for Robert Mathis, him taking it HELPED them get pregnant and he even came out and TOLD everyone "we have fertility issues, I took it to help my wife get pregnant and it worked".

He has always been one of my husband's favorite players and now he is 1000% my husband's favorite player! Why my husband was so pissed, though, is because the sports radio he listens to - of course - had absolutely NO IDEA what clomid is used for. So he actually came home and emailed them our story and told them straight up, "Clomid is used for fertility, NOT for enhancing performance".

I am also on a a "news-strike" from anything on facebook (I have a problem with getting pissed off at internet comments)...but I decided to read a bunch of them regarding this issue...and I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised at the # of MEN on the NFL's facebook page who were all FOR Robert Mathis taking clomid and commented that this is for fertility and he's a great man for doing what he had to do!

But as far as the title of this post...it just made me so happy to finally hear from my husband how much something like this pisses him off. Because, of course, I'm VERY vocal about infertility and how much things piss me off...and he's usually not. So to hear him rant and rave about this helps me know how much this DOES piss him off...that I'm not the only one. ya know?

So in other news...aunt flow has FINALLY shown up (yay!) although she was here for like 7 days when normally she's only here for 3...but that's ok. So Cycle #1 down - cycle #2 and sorta 3 to go!
We have to wait 2 cycles to do another IVF cycle. So June will be #2 then July (cycle #3 will be the cycle we do our next IVF).

Of course, we pay completely 100% out of pocket and we didn't exactly have another $10,000 laying around. The first time (our fresh cycle) I took the money from my 401K...then for our first frozen, $$ came from my parents. For this last frozen cycle we had FSA (flexible spending account) that we used, but only gave us $2500 for the year, which of course is gone for this year.

So I knew that before our third cycle after m/c even got here, I NEEDED to have the money. We are absolutely doing a new cycle. We were so close and now that we know it CAN work, we HAVE to do another cycle.

So we looked at all of our options and thought about a home equity loan. The problem is - we already had a revolving home equity LINE with another bank (a much smaller loan)...so our house had to come back at a certain amount, in order for this new bank to be able to give us the new loan AND pay off the other line.

And...it did!!!!!!!!! So we got the new loan - paid off the other line - AND on top of that we were able to pay off two high interest credit cards! (that was about $5,000). So we have the $$ to do our next cycle AND we paid off debt! :D

So honestly - now - it literally is just waiting on my body. We are all set to do our next cycle and the biggest stress of all ($$$) isn't a stress at all!

Let's do this thing!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and the power of belief

So I really am trying...I do NOT want to lose the friendship I have with the girl who's as far along as I'm supposed to be. We're not like "best friends" by anymeans - but we are "close" friends. We do a lot together. We work together and on days when we are both in the office (which is pretty much just Thursdays) we eat lunch together. So we did today. I know she's under a lot of stress with work and all that, but I want to make sure I do what I can. But can I also tell you how incredible effing difficult it is? Sitting there - watching her all pregnant? I even tried to mention the pregnancy and maternity leave...and yes part of me hurt so much when I did this. But I need to. Yes part of me feels tortured but there's a tiny little part of me that keeps saying "you can do this" "you NEED to do this"...and I think, honestly what helped - is that I believe.

I believe - because I KNOW - that we WILL get pregnant and we WILL have a beautiful healthy child.

I just found a quote that I am IN LOVE with...

SOMETIMES THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES PUT US DIRECTLY ON THE PATH TO THE BEST THINGS THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.

And honestly, I have always believed this. Not this quote verbatim...but I've always looked back on my life and known that the bad things that happen have always made way for the best things to happen.

For example...right before I got the job at the place that I work now, I was working somewhere and got fired. It was the first place I ever really got fired from and I was devastated. It wasn't a GREAT job by any means, but it was better than fast food or wal-mart. I remember going to my apartment and throwing things around and throwing a temper tantrum like I was 3 years old.  I ended up being unemployed for about 6 months...and when my unemployment was running out - literally the very last week I could receive a check - I got a "temp" job at the place where I am now. That was 8 years and 3 departments ago AND I now make 3 times what I was making when I started there.

And to this day I have always believed that had I not gotten fired that day, I would never have found the job where I am now. A job I absolutely love (and hope to stay for the rest of my life). And while there I had a "fling" the first year with a co-worker's brother...and the breakup was SO effing hard on me - I literally cried for 6 months. But then a friend from work took me out one night, to get my mind off of guys, and I remember it truly was one of the first nights I went out NOT "looking" for "Mr. Right" and I found the love of my life. Granted, his sperm sucks, lol - but I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Even the absolutely shitty things in life.

This next one is probably the hardest thing for me to grasp. For so long - for FOUR YEARS I have had this absolute deep seeded fear that I couldn't get pregnant. Even though everything came back on me as "normal" (except for the tiny bit of endo last year) - and everything else was on his side...I just couldn't shake the belief that I'd never even get pregnant.

But you all know - I did because I CAN. Because it is physically possible FOR me TO BE pregnant. It was just a "bad egg"...

But I had a sorta not-really dream last night...It wasn't a true dream...but more of premonition maybe?...I remember laying there last night (half in/out of sleep) and looking down on myself and I was pregnant. Not even just a few weeks - but full term pregnant, with a happy baby and - no joke - there was a rainbow surrounding my belly. I know this sounds weird - but that's something I could NEVER in my "minds' eye" see in myself and that is actually BEING pregnant. But I saw that and it felt soooo right!

So - yes, having gone through this miscarriage has absolutely sucked. It still sucks. Yes I absolutely wish it had worked out. And if anyone else EVER says this to me - I will punch them in their eye (only I can say this to myself)...but maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe I NEEDED to KNOW that I can physically become pregnant. But maybe we need to get this home equity loan to pay off some debt and do a new full round of IVF to have our child/children.

I just need to believe.