Quicksand

So I know that it is a matter of time before my inevitable Time magazine cover appearance *run fingers through hair, rolls eyes, smirk at your derision/scepticism*, among many other accolades that will soon be bestowed upon me one after another, but apparently getting there is not easy – and this is not informed by some cliched words of wisdom uttered by some apparently quote-worthy, highly accomplished individuals, but by my first hand experience. For the past month or so, I have been working on …five jobs … at the same time. So the rate of busyness is equal to the previous madness of working on a national competition during high school, preparing for major examinations, and working on a songwriting competition .. combined.

At some point, I experienced an unprecedented state of mental disturbances in what I would regard right now – in retrospect – as “me falling apart”. Shortly after that I was (self-)diagnosed with what people called General Anxiety Disorder – if the web pages that I fished from the Google search bar were reliable enough. Compounded by my lack of sleep for several days, I became curiously anxious at every turn of event, imagining the worst of everything to the point of waking up each morning wondering if today is the day where something bad is going to happen to me.

I attempted to calm myself down by counter feeding my mind with positive thoughts, but this in fact exacerbated my situation. I was in a quicksand. The more I struggled to dismiss the negativity, the more anxious I get for having had the thoughts. This creates a vicious cycle and thus the deeper into this conundrum I sank. A few days later I – Aaron Lo, suave, ambitious, big dreamer (among other self-approving adjectives) – had stopped functioning completely. I couldn’t remember what I was doing, but in vagueness and drowsiness I remembered the endless Youtubing and Facebooking, watching tv, staring at street people for no apparent reasons. I had no sense of purpose, no goals to pursue. I wasn’t so upbeat about my life and all the good things that are happening to me anymore. So much for ambition.

I’m better at the moment, all by pacing the speed of things and prioritizing my task accordingly. Fear and anxiousness still pervades my mind occasionally though not as severe as before. But ambition could be a double edge sword if I am not careful – that’s a lesson for me. And someday when I am on the cover of Time magazine (and therefore quote-worthy) I would then tell that to other aspiring cover-gracer.