Blinding white lights

Just last Sunday I bowed before blinding white lights and thought to myself in casual amazement: I just had one of the most overwhelming experiences in my life making a debut in professional theater.

As with all other experiences in my self-declaringly imminent rags-to-riches life, my stint had been fun, beneficial and educational. In retrospect, that is.

During the rehearsal period of close to three months, it was brutal. Each time I walk out of the rehearsal space, I almost always felt a part of me wounded. Sometimes it was my ego or my overused physical muscles, mostly it was my false sense of equilibrium and security that had been left unchecked for years.

There are a few things that I had gradually (and by the last day of show, finally) came to terms with. Firstly, I am an overthinker. Initially I thought I was just an overthinking actor. Soon, I realized I’m an overthinking pianist, songwriter, aspiring screenwriter [and millions of other glamorous professions].

Secondly, I don’t always react “in the moment”, an acting concept that has gradually (and by the last show, finally) came within my grasp. The idea of plunging directly into the unknown or “going with the flow” and reacting truthfully to situation remained a formidable challenge. Also, I am almost always guarded. I erect walls so no one could peek into my deepest feelings. Sometimes, even I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) get pass the wall.

But the bigger idea that gave rise to these inner demons in the first place, upon thinking (overthinking?) is my complex sense of insecurity and occasional and inconsistent lack of confidence. Okay, “I don’t have confidence” (Note to self: stop overthinking!) They are compensations to obtain more confidence. Overthinking, planning and being guarded are my means to self-assurance – they made me feel comfortable and safe. I attempted to psychoanalyze my behavior further, but I’m already overthinking.

So I decided to change. Immediately, I hear the voices. How? What should I do? Could there be a twelve-step program to this? Should I get some books on this? By when should I change? Someone once said to me, just be. I am only beginning to learn to see the comfort in that – the idea of letting go and allowing an unshakable, self-assuring core of being to override the intricacies that I’m obsessive about, can be a little less tiring.

Before walking away from the stage for the last time I remembered the blinding white lights in their diamond shape formation, in technicolor detail. I was flushed with anticipation and positivity for the future and that’s when I resolved to continue acting to be a better person.