Hello world.

Is there anyone out there reading my blog anymore?

Okay, I hear only echos and a deafening silence. I mean, surely no one cares about a guy who writes vociferously and somewhat passionately and then evaporates without a trace for several months and then come back again, right?

Not that I expect readers for my blog (a statement to coat my modest blog readership numbers with derision not unlike the fox who pronounces the grapes sour – a curious behavior that’s taking shape lately) but if you are out there reading please be assured that I am still around, and definitely “not lazy, just busy” (just something that I begin to say recently which – by virtue of its simplicity and clever, impeccable rhyming – is now one of my signature catch phrase). But really, I think my blog has just become one of the loneliest out there by virtue of my own making.

There used to be an avenue for my regular literary retreat where after the daily action of highly ambitious life all I did was to sit down and unwind and reflect, crafting meaning and expressing my feelings with artful configuration and groupings of alphabets, which was of course conspicuously missing in the recent not-lazy-just-busy months. Right. Blogging.

But now I am back. So much has happened to me and I don’t know where to start. But in summary:

  • The composition album with my composition in it is finally out. Sold at 30 bucks local currency. Nah, don’t bother buying it. Albums are the new vinyls. Torrents are the new albums.
  • I sold my first song to a Hong Kong girl group. Apparently they are quite popular in Hong Kong, but frankly I’ve never heard of them and I may have fidgeted in horror (with a tinge of disdain) while checking them out in Youtube. But we’ll see when their album is out.
  • I am officially signed to this publishing company as a songwriter, although, I have yet to ink my John Hancock above any dotted lines. Right, time to make that phone call.
  • Taking freelance music arrangement work seriously. Not very confident about my work for now, but will get there.
  • Doing a musical production now. Rehearsals almost everyday.
  • Tumultuous period of time characterized by insomnia, anxiety, general lethargy, occasional inability to focus and pay attention, glass half-empty mode and subsequently acne outbreak. Partially because of stress and work, but mainly because of relationships and confidence crisis.
  • Acting in a play in about a month. That means, a month to work on pronunciation, enunciation, mechanics of sound production, subtext and physicality. Another round of tumultuous period if you ask me.
  • Got headhunted by this artiste to play the keyboard for him for an upcoming radio show. Small role, but quite a milestone. In the process I discovered how horrible the local entertainment industry is, how it is pervaded by mediocrity at every corner I turn to. Which leads me to …
  • Seriously consider relocating to another city. Someone once told me that one’s external environment can be affective to one’s well being. If I continue to stay, I fear I will be mediocre, arrive late at every appointment, cancel appointment on the eleventh hour, and take everything, no matter how urgent, trivially.

Quicksand

So I know that it is a matter of time before my inevitable Time magazine cover appearance *run fingers through hair, rolls eyes, smirk at your derision/scepticism*, among many other accolades that will soon be bestowed upon me one after another, but apparently getting there is not easy – and this is not informed by some cliched words of wisdom uttered by some apparently quote-worthy, highly accomplished individuals, but by my first hand experience. For the past month or so, I have been working on …five jobs … at the same time. So the rate of busyness is equal to the previous madness of working on a national competition during high school, preparing for major examinations, and working on a songwriting competition .. combined.

At some point, I experienced an unprecedented state of mental disturbances in what I would regard right now – in retrospect – as “me falling apart”. Shortly after that I was (self-)diagnosed with what people called General Anxiety Disorder – if the web pages that I fished from the Google search bar were reliable enough. Compounded by my lack of sleep for several days, I became curiously anxious at every turn of event, imagining the worst of everything to the point of waking up each morning wondering if today is the day where something bad is going to happen to me.

I attempted to calm myself down by counter feeding my mind with positive thoughts, but this in fact exacerbated my situation. I was in a quicksand. The more I struggled to dismiss the negativity, the more anxious I get for having had the thoughts. This creates a vicious cycle and thus the deeper into this conundrum I sank. A few days later I – Aaron Lo, suave, ambitious, big dreamer (among other self-approving adjectives) – had stopped functioning completely. I couldn’t remember what I was doing, but in vagueness and drowsiness I remembered the endless Youtubing and Facebooking, watching tv, staring at street people for no apparent reasons. I had no sense of purpose, no goals to pursue. I wasn’t so upbeat about my life and all the good things that are happening to me anymore. So much for ambition.

I’m better at the moment, all by pacing the speed of things and prioritizing my task accordingly. Fear and anxiousness still pervades my mind occasionally though not as severe as before. But ambition could be a double edge sword if I am not careful – that’s a lesson for me. And someday when I am on the cover of Time magazine (and therefore quote-worthy) I would then tell that to other aspiring cover-gracer.


On Singapore’s Election

Singapore’s general election will be held tomorrow, but what has that got to do with a Malaysian?

Plenty. Especially since the issues of the day are foreign talent and immigration. Malaysians, especially the ethnic Chinese, are by far the largest immigrant group in Singapore. Every Malaysian have family members or at least know someone who works in Singapore. And the reasons are obvious – it is close to home, not too culturally distant, and the pay is good. But most importantly, meritocracy is practiced (at least in a way better than the Malaysian version of “meritocracy” – but let’s not go there).

Personally, I root for PAP. As an outsider I would prefer the status quo to be maintained. The reason for this is that in the recent months or so, I have been hunting for jobs in Singapore only to decide it wasn’t time yet. Now I am slightly regretting it because it looks increasingly likely that people are going to vote for opposition. And even if PAP retains power, they are either going to have slightly less majority or they are going to learn a lesson and I am afraid they are going enforce tighter control on the inflow of workers and students. Looks like I have to be male gigolo in Geylang or fake a marriage with a local to get there.

But then, should the Singapore government tighten inflow of foreigners, then it negates Singapore’s pull factor in the first place. The main reason I looked to Singapore is not the money, and of course not the political climate, but because the concentration of talented and competent people. It is a city that has the what I called “New York effect”, at least in the region. It is all about efficiency. When people are concentrated – especially if it involves highly competent people/talented people, then the “sum is greater than the parts”. Location matters. A good example: a fashion designer based in New York is more likely to make it big than a designer based in say, KL. He gets to study with world-class designer teacher. He gets the best fabrics in the world. He gets inspiration from a melting pot city. He gets the attention of global press organizations and that includes international fashion magazines. His work gets the endorsement of international celebrities. Let’s just say, Jimmy Choo wouldn’t be Jimmy Choo if he didn’t leave Penang for London. Same goes to other accomplished Malaysians – they all make it elsewhere, and that is telling. So I need to leave to become who I want to be.

That said, I believed Singapore will continue to need people to sustain economic growth and counter low birth rate and I do believed that there are enough wisdom on the leadership to import foreigners while managing and finding solution to counter growing anti-immigrant sentiment and local economic woes. Discriminating based on nationality defeats everything that Singapore stands for. If it preaches meritocracy, then it should discriminate based on competency level.


Born This Way

The latest episode of Glee “Born this way” hit me right in my bosom in a rather timely manner as I negotiate my recent insecurities and record low confidence level. Lately I’ve been up to a lot of things that I used to be afraid of and while I honestly do think I deserve a *clear throat in the most nonchalant way* pat in the back for my audacity, I haven’t been feeling great about myself. At every turn of event, I am a loser and a outcast whom the entire world conspire to watch me fall hard.

Watching Glee, it suddenly dawned on me that I haven’t been very self-accepting. I am not entirely happy with who or what I am now. I am almost always in the process of changing things, setting goals and working towards achieving the goals. Someone once told me that in order to change, one has to firstly accept oneself. Paradoxical, isn’t it? I can’t reconcile the paradox – if I decided to be happy with who or what I am now, doesn’t that mean I am settling for mediocrity or anything less than my idea of perfection?

At least after Glee came along I was able to see some light, though the paradox remained. But I think I get what it meant by accepting oneself before changing, at least I am going to try to make sense of it – it just means I need to acknowledge my own history – my strength, my weaknesses – and I should be comfortable with myself at any given time – comfortable in a sense that I know change is going to happen to me, as opposed to comfortable in a I-am-entirely-happy-with-who-I-am-and-I-will-not-change-a-thing-about-myself sense. And all these realization came about in the scene where the teacher, Emma, decided to wear a t-shirt that says “OCD” just as she decides to seek medical/professional help.

While I am at it, I think the latest episode of Glee is the most brilliant episode ever. The t-shirt idea? Super brilliant. Soon people are going to start wearing those t-shirt and garment manufacturers are going to mass produce these t-shirt and they are probably going to call it “Born this way” t-shirts. This is going to be like how the “I heart NY” logo became a cultural icon that it is currently. Television is a great tool to spread trends, precisely why I aspire to work in media/television – screenwriting or whatever, which is currently still an elusive goal.

But I will get there eventually. (I think I just felt a little more comfortable than before saying this.)


The horror

I’ve been busy on an unprecedented scale lately. The past few days has been about work, work and work to an extent that it is affecting my sleep for several consecutive days. This morning as I looked into the mirror I saw a pair of dark shade enveloping the lower part of my eyes which is none other than the up-till-now-elusive dark eye circle. The hor-rorrr.

And since the narcissistic part of me cannot allow this to persist, I decided that I need lie on bed and sleep for the next 48 hours. Wake me up when April ends.


Happy Birthday to Me

I hate birthdays. I usually wished nobody would remember and that it would pass by uneventfully.

Two days ago, the 11th, was my birthday. Yes, my birth date was the same as Rupert Murdoch’s (That’s the only thing I care about). Actually bringing up Rupert Murdoch is apt, because I always feel under-accomplished vis-a-vis my age. I mean, here I am, 22 years old, and I don’t feel very accomplished in a way that amazes me and makes me wow in disbelief when I had the chance to sit down in solitude and reflect upon my life.

When I was 21, I made significant progress in songwriting, beginning with my demos accepted by publishing companies (as opposed to having them tossing to the bin without even listening), then joining a songwriting competition organized by a major reputable record label and making it to the finals, have them signed my song, being put on the mailing list of record companies looking for songs, meet some recording industry people who were kind enough to give me some guidance along the way, and upgrade music production equipment like sound card, vst, softwares, and of course a midi controller which I bought a day after my birthday so you can called it a birthday gift). Not to mention that I’m playing the piano in the most expensive and exclusive place to shop in KL, an endeavor in which I took tremendous pride.

Most of these progresses and attainments were a big deal back then, but in retrospect, it doesn’t make me feel accomplished, now that I am viewing things in perspective and I know that these are still quite far from my eventual goal. What would make me feel accomplished? Maybe if I managed to sell all songs that I wrote and if they all topped the charts and ruled the airwaves, chanted by masses on the street, set as ringtones on teenagers’ mobile phones, flooded the playlists of the iPod on every single palm, requested by patrons in clubs and lounges, covered by contestants on reality show. Yes, those would be what I called accomplishments.

Maybe it was because I was overly ambitious or maybe because I always want to get things quickly and then move on to other things, or maybe – bluntly – it is the modesty of my intellect that prevent me from achieving more. I think I have walked some journey. They say it’s the journey that matters and not the destination. I am still learning to believe and behave in this, to be amazed by the journey and not the destination.

Though I hated to be reminded, thanks for the wishes on Facebook. Actually, more like ..thanks to the very algorithm on Facebook that alerted people that it’s my birthday. A couple of people asked me where I was. It was as if I was kidnapped by aliens. But come to think of it, I don’t really hang out with people I used to know anymore, not because I am anti-social, I think, but because I am really busy attending to my ambition. Plus, I don’t have a car and this severely restricts my physical mobility.

All in all, I think I’ve done alright in the previous year. Maybe next year I’ll be amazed by the journey I’ve embarked on my 22th year on the planet. We’ll see.


Toy for Big Boys

Things have gotten interesting since yesterday. I’ve gotten myself a toy. That is, toy for big boys (it makes me feel masculine to say this, so I kinda said/typed it twice)

A few posts back I wrote that I was hunting for a midi controller, but was deterred by the price tag of RM4000. Miraculously – I don’t use this word often so you can imagine how miraculous it is – the manufacturer decided to have a stock clearance sale last week and the midi controller goes for RM1500++. Discount! More than 50%! So upon learning that there is only one unit left in the store, I just have to get there to try it out as soon as I can, and possibly snap it up.

After testing it out with my software, and after trying to figure out how to get any sound out of the keys for a good two hours together with the equally clueless sales personnel, I am now the proud owner of a Yamaha KX-8, a full 88 keys graded hammer action midi keyboard. I must say the price is a major factor in my purchasing decision. So thank … god, or the lone fluffy tree in the porch of my home, or whatever/whoever who wants to claim credit, for showering me with such serendipity.

Since the toy arrived, I’ve been either in front of the keyboard tickling the ivories or flipping through the thick manual and then testing and exploring its functionality on the keyboard. This is indeed an exciting development and would likely speed up my songwriting process significantly.


Three years on

It has been three years since the fateful March 8 general election. Three years ago, I wrote that this country will never be the same again. I was optimistic in believing that the opposition parties would, by now, be a great force to be reckoned with and that it is in a position to potentially win the next general election.

But exactly three years later, the headlines of the day was that BN, the incumbent, had won two by-elections, with bigger majority. Government-owned media trumpeted with much fanfare the return of BN.

Things had indeed changed. For a start, there was a new Prime Minister. The previous Prime Minister was probably the most pathetic one ever. His name was Abdullah, or something. I mean, you don’t see him in the news anymore. It’s like, he never existed. Then came Mr Najib, who was in politics since he was 22 years old and naturally he knows the game.

This is the kind of guy who takes no prisoner. He crushed his political opponent by all means possible – using media laws, banning opposition media, intimidating opposition leaders by having them investigated for minor corruption allegations (and in the process someone died), clamping down on protest, engineered a coup d’etat and took over the state of Perak, blatant money politics. He appeared unfazed about controversies associated with him, whether it was the defense budget years ago or – of course – the brutal murder of a Mongolian part-time model (a court case which till today had no real resolution – but that’s another story for another time). His approval rating was at an all time low of 40% when he took office. Recently it has risen to about 60% to 70%. Today it could be higher. This guy clearly knows that public perception changes over time and what was once controversial need not forever be controversial.

To be fair, the opposition had gained some ground too. It is now quite possible to say that we have a two party system. Opposition parties and leaders now make headlines in mainstream media regularly, something unheard of in the past, though, more often than not they are being vilified by these government-owned press. But as they say, there is something worse than negative publicity, and that is no publicity at all. Of the three opposition parties, DAP and PAS had an uneasy relationship and Anwar Ibrahim was the one who hold things together. But now, he is distracted by a, I mean, another, sodomy court case, which I believed, judging from the questionable and partial nature of the court case, is trumped up, most probably by those in the government. My guessing is they won’t convict him, but they will drag the case as long as possible to distract him, probably until the next general election. Anwar was effectively held ransom.

Then came the third force, comprising a group of people who believed that neither the incumbent nor the opposition can bring real good or change. I had great reverence for some of those people. However, politics is politics. It is not just about being competent or having the will to bring changes or having nobler intentions. It is also about managing public perception, fanning passion of the people, persuasion, changing minds, appearing likable, and where circumstances demand, and most importantly, knowing how to maneuver politically in order to attain one’s political goals.

I must end this piece by exploring how the three different forces fared from a social Darwinian point of view. I might be secretly hoping that the Third Force prevails, I might even bring up the good-evil dichotomy and place the Third Force in the good category while the rest falls under evil. But as I’ve learned over the years, nature does not take sides (well, it does when time is involved – that’s just another of my self-conjure conjecture which I’ll write about in future). It does not have a desired end goal. It is up to men to use his wit and draw on his strength to impose his desired outcome on the world. Firstly, for the incumbent ruling party, they are doing quite well and gaining ground. Yes, though everything that they do to retain power can never be described as noble, those things are not what you wouldn’t do if you find yourself in that position.

For the opposition party, things haven’t been rosy and will continue to be so. Yes, they don’t have a lot at their disposal. They don’t have big money to give away during by-elections. Media played up the most petty of issues. However, I do believe all these can be turned into an advantage. Being underdog, if played really well, can turn the table around. But as of now, they are still trying to compete with the ruling party on the ruling party’s terms. I don’t think that’s a smart move.

As for the third force, their main advantages are their leader’s credibility and the clearly articulated principles and direction. I’ve not seen enough of them to make an informed opinion, though if they want to outsmart Najib they should really be worshiping Sun Tzu’s Art of War and began thinking outside of the box for some creative solutions.


Hey Big Spender; and other stories

Hey big spender
One thousand and five hundred bucks gone in less than a week. Granted, it was a series of long overdue, necessary spending, but the drastic dwindling of my bank account figure didn’t quite sit well in me.

Samsung, the jack of all trades but master of none
Precisely why I will never buy another Samsung. My Samsung external hard disk drive decided one day that it is not to be recognized by any Window computers. Six hundred and forty gigabyte worth of storage space gone, and everything inside, from songs and movies that I’ve been painstakingly downloading over the months but haven’t had the time to listen and watch, are irretrievable. Yes, Samsung is a reputable brand. They build ships, design chips, and manufacture TVs, but I think I’ll get a Western Digital hard disk next, which is more of a specialize brand.

Those strings of As
So recently the Malaysian high school leaving certificate (or whatever name it was called) result was announced. As usual, newspapers were plastered with pictures of a couple of disable students who “had overcome tremendous physical challenges and excelled with X amount of As”, a few students from poor rural areas “who despite poverty managed to score with flying colors”, a bunch of teenage boys tossing their friend (presumably the top scorer in the school) up in the air, a few drenched in tears over a certain elusive A. Government officers will, as usual, compare this year’s result with that of last year and the conclusion is, our students are better off this year. Yay. And of course, of course, this is a “testament that our country has world class education system”.

While I do respect people with disability or poor people overcoming adversity, excelling in an education system so rotten to the core, so deeply politicized, and more importantly, planned by a bunch of mediocre minds, is not something to be proud of.

While I am at it
While I am at it, my sister too, was a candidate of the examination, and she scored all As. Naturally, my mum, being my mum, has got to be part of it, along with my mum’s dad, whom I used to call grandfather, who immediately called up from his place to speak to my sister, which was really causing some slight guilt in me because the only reason he’s now all over my sister is because I am “always not at home” when he calls, to recollect my gestures to those who pick up the phone, or in the unfortunate event that I am at the receiving end of the call, I am always, you know, busy doing something and oh, gotta work, gotta hang up soon, okay thanks bye. The reason I’m doing this is because at every point of our conversation, he tried to figure out my salary numbers, create the perception that being a musician is demeaning, convince me that I really should be going to university and that I should be an accountant or engineer to have money. True, it is reasonable advise the first time one hears it, but he apparently lacked other issues to talk about such that I had began to avoid talking to him altogether.

Should I get a car?
I thought I shouldn’t, as I wrote on this blog before, thinking that instead of working towards a car, why don’t I work towards moving to another city/country, with better public transport system. But lately the urgent need for a car began to arise. I have work assignment in Bangsar regularly and I’m beginning to feel reluctant to commit to it. Bangsar is of course, a posh neighborhood and people prefer to commute in their Mercedes Benz than in a RapidKL bus.

The other day I took a train and had initially planned to take a cab to my final destination in Bangsar. THERE IS NO CAB. I ended up walking for about 2 km. Haven’t had dinner. It was cold and drizzling. And unfortunate for me, the topography was in a condition such that I have to walk uphill. Before I reach my destination, I had to sit at a nearby bus stop for a good 15 minutes to dry myself up before arriving at work. I don’t like the situation and I thought I was so pathetic. It’s like, going for rock climbing before going to work. And after I’m done, my dad came to pick me up. Naturally it hit my ego a bit, feeling like a failure for my dependency on him for transport. Should I get a car? Is it better to bite the bullet, shed the ego, and wait for a few month or maybe a year before I get the hell out of this place?

And you wonder why Malaysian art/music cannot flourish?
Look at the price of music equipments. I needed a midi controller to progress further on my music project. The one that I had my eyes on cost a whopping RM4000. And in other places, in US for instance, it was just US$700. Yes, the financial journals in the country has been all over the issue of Ringgit being the best performing currency in Asia against the greenback. It has appreciated to the level of US$1 = RM3. In that case, can I have that for RM2100? To be fair, the high price that I have to pay is a combination of several factors, but I just want to blame everything on the government. I’ve met many people who wanted to learn to play music instruments and the instrument cost is way more than their monthly salary. There is a serious issue of economics in this country. Inflation is kept artificially low, income levels are low, import duties are high, productivity is low, economy is slow, purchasing power virtually nil. So to those who manages the economy, f*** you.

I tried make up
Yes, on an occasion of aberration, I was seated before a make-up artist as he spread, rubbed, and brushed my face with whatever that he thought would give me a makeover. I must say, I looked.. awesome. I was quite please with the result. My skin looked absolutely flawless and my face had more depth. The danger of all this is, once I remove the makeup my self-esteem drop to a record low, my flaws, even if they are just as petty as some barely there acne mark, seemed so noticeable. As they say, (actually more like I made that up), once you put on make up, you’ll always want to have it on. And price of the make up kit for men was quite reasonable (look who’s talking) and needless to say I was tempted to reach out to my wallet. But I think I’ll focus on improving my skin condition and complexion for the moment to prepare my skin for the future stress applied (pun intended) by make up. My skin will need it.


New Year, Chinese New Year, and other events that I haven’t had the time to write about until now.

1. My new year was largely uneventful in a hotel room in Taipei city, drained out and dosing off just before the fireworks at 12am, in order to be able to catch a flight back home few hours later. I was there for a visit, ostensibly at least, but really I am planning to move there. We’ll see.

2. Chinese New Year celebration and visiting friends and families has descended into a matter of merely showing up. That’s sad.

3. My future oriented psychology of time has largely been detrimental to a creativity-based career.

4. Watch a couple of movies lately. Liked some, didn’t like some, and am now calling myself an “aspiring filmmaker”.

5. Wrote and submitted a few other demos. Been thinking about songwriting and relating it to the nature of art and realized that while writing the song I need to wonder how, by setting pitches to words (lyrics) I can express something better than the mere speaking of  the words (lyrics).

6. Ambition is killing me.

7. I can’t go places. Trains are inaccessible. Buses are never on time. Taxis are expensive. So I’ve been saving some money in order to afford any four wheeled object that has a roof over my head and can move as I push the accelerator. But then if I decided to move out of the city, then it won’t be a worthwhile investment.

8. Is the world on a Viva la Resistance mood? Firstly it was Tunisia. Now it was Egypt and some other oppressed nation. I believed it was a noble effort and frankly I believed that is the only way this country can change. Throughout history no changes had occurred during peaceful time, most are the direct reaction to violent uprising or earth shattering events of massive scale that resulted in the death of thousands of civilians. Think 9/11. Think Tiananmen Square Massacre.

9. On a related matter, The Star – a wholely-owned subsidary of the government but apparently wants to portray itself as the champion for press freedom and neutrality, plastered a headline yesterday that reads “PM’s Warning”, and in the article the Prime Minister warned people not to do the Egyptian thing, and was quoted as saying, among other things that I find of laughable, that this country “has elections” so there’s no need to change the government that way, and that the government “has always believed that the people are supreme” (how ironic given the paternalistic tone of the headline)


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