goodbye 2012

It's 3am on the 31st of December and I'm up, clearly since I'm blogging. It's crazy for me to watch the last few hours of 2012 fly by, it's almost sealed away -- history. I can't be sure why I'm up, except the fact that my mind is moving through the year, the ups and downs, wondering how to say goodbye to such a full year and what to let go of. I hadn't thought until I was chatting with some friends over google+ last night what I will we shed as I enter 2013.

I learned so much about myself this year, and would venture to say, I'm finally feeling like I'm beginning to understand who I am. Perhaps it's not that I'm better understanding who I am, but rather, finally feeling like I'm getting comfortable in my own shoes. I know what I'm about, I know what I want, I know what needs to be done to get there -- it's all a matter of doing, is it not? That's the hard part.

The first thing that comes to my mind as I leave 2012 for good is relationships. Relationships are everything and need to be nourished and feed. I've learned this so much in my marriage, there is constantly an ebb and flow and if we're not giving to one another the sparks dim. It is also true when it comes to relationships with my girls and friends. Relationships are constantly changing and molding and need different things at different times. If there is one thing I'm going to put my energy into in 2012 it's relationships.



What else I learned in 2012:

A continuing theme that is constantly coming up for me -- my life is my choosing. I am must say I am very grateful for where I am at. Very grateful.

We need less judgement, more kindness.

Hug those I love daily and show them what they mean to me with my words+actions.

Accepting help, where help is needed, is a sign of humility and a beautiful part of being human.

Staying focused on the good will make everyday full of light.

Be you. A genuine life will draw people to you.

There's no time like the present.

Daily scriptures, prayer, and really do make all the difference. When I put God first I have found there is time enough for everything else.

When I'm in a slump creatively try something new or do something a different way. I loved pushing myself to take photographs this year with more than just with my DSLR.

Be adventurous. Going to South Carolina on a whim seemed so out of character for me. Need more of that spontaneity.

Dreams do come true -- but not without a lot of work.

I need to see more of the world. Twenty twelve included trips to New Hampshire, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Moab, Jackson Hole, and Washington state. I'm itching for more...

Sharing what I love (photography) = fulfilled

Our actions will tell us what we love.

It's ok to take a break, my blog sort of fell off the grid, when it's needed. There's no time like the present to welcome it back.

December | 12of12 | iphone addition

I know I've said it a millions time, but seriously where did this year go. I hope you all take a chance to look at all your twelves together to get a glimpse of how great your year was.



01. Celebrating 12.12.12 today.

02. 06:12 Megan doing homework while she waits her turn for violin.

03. This is where I was when the clock struck 12:12pm on 12.12.12. Felt a little too coped up and needed some fresh air. I would never have remembered if I hadn't set my alarm.

04. I had big intentions for this day, but I'm not feeling myself, a bit under the weather, so I wasn't as ambitious as I had hoped.

05. 01:12pm Doing my last little bit of Christmas (online) shopping.

06. 02:12pm Folding laundry, not a fan.

07. 03:12pm Bella was telling me all about her day of twelves. Apparently the class went wild with cheering and shouts when the clock hit 12:12pm. Then they stopped and she said it was all a little weird.

08. I couldn't resist adding this picture mainly because I never laughed so hard. We were shopping at Target this evening for Sub For Santa gifts, but before we started I needed to return a few items. As it turns out while I was being helped by a young man Megan pulled out of my bag a tampon and said, "what do you use these for?" I was semi-mortified until I saw the look on the target employees face and then I couldn't help but say, "that was awesome," which made the kid laugh and relieved the tension  He still turned the color of his red target shirt. Poor guy.

09. 5:12pm Ah Megan what a delight to shop with -- not. I counted at least 15 items that she had to have -- no we are not talking for Christmas. This, I don't even know what it was, stuffed panda in her hand was the hardest one for her to let go of. She told me she would give anything to have it and when I suggested her kitty she promptly said, "anything but that". I suppose she really didn't get into the Sub for Santa spirit.

10. Cafe rio for dinner. Hard to resist when it's next door to target.

11. 9:12pm Working on a gift this evening while the girls are fast asleep. I couldn't show the finished product, for obvious reasons, so I smudge it out.

12. We are halfway through the advent. Only TWELVE days to go!

I hope you all had a good time capturing your day on this the 12th month of the 12th day of the year 2012. Weird to think I will never see it again.

I enjoyed following a few of my friends on instagram who posted photos every hour. Lara I'm looking forward to seeing your 12of12! Of course I look forward to seeing what the rest of you came up with and what your 12.12.12 day was like.

12 things i'm grateful for on this day of twelve

I'm grateful...

i have a light schedule today -- feeling a bit under the weather.

to be a woman.

for friends that get me.

for amazon Christmas shopping.

for holiday goodies.

[instagrams from Monday nights FHE at temple square]

for twinkling lights that greet me in the morning when I wake and before I go to sleep.

for technology that keeps us connected.

for peace in my heart.

for a phone camera with awesome resolution. I hardly recognize my canon these days.

for the relationship with my girls. I love how much deeper our conversations are now that they're a little older.

for warm cozy beds and good books to keep me company.

for the holiday season and how this time of year always brings me back to what's most important.

12of12 reminder

Tomorrow is one of those days that won't happen again for another 100 years.

12.12.12


Even if you haven't been playing along all year, you may want to consider documenting tomorrow, you know, for posterity sake? :)

Enjoy!

lately ...

I'm thinking about my elderly neighbors and what I could do for them this holiday season.

I'm reading the Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes.

I'm doing laundry that I've avoided all week.



I'm making candy cane peppermint cookies just for fun.

I'm watching the delight in my girls faces as we start the countdown to Christmas today.

I'm working on Christmas gifts.

I'm contemplating a big change in our everyday life.

I'm ecstatic my gratitude journals sold out. :)

I'm hoping to go on a date tonight.

I'm missing my sister and her family.



I'm loving going to sleep and waking up to Christmas lights.

I'm grateful for my life. I am tremendously blessed.

I'm waiting for the snow.

I need to clean my studio, again. Sad thing is I just cleaned it last Saturday.

I'm trying not to let my tired get the better of me.

I'm debating whether u should worry that my back still hurts after falling down the stairs over a month ago.



I'm looking forward to my Google hang out this weekend.

12of12 | November

01. Off they go. Seems like there is always a little bit of dawdling on the way out.
02. Vacuuming the weekend away.
03. Volunteering in Megan's class.
04. Snowy mountain view from the school.
05. Been reading This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart by Susannah Conway. I'm taking it slow and savoring every piece. Plus finding the joy of writing again.
06. Tess practicing her cello. She started playing in the school orchestra this year.
07. Taking a much needed break.
08. Thinking about knitting/crochet projects I want to start now that the weather has cooled considerably.
09. Self Portrait
10. Pizza at our favorite place.
11. While they wait for their food to arrive. Thanks goodness for crayons and coloring menus.
12. Bella playing in the WMA orchestra concert tonight. She is one of the younger violist (most kids are in high school) and was so please she made 2nd violins, 1st chair.

Good day. It was a good day. I'm grateful to go to bed with a happy heart. I hope you all had a great day as well. Only one more month to go, can you believe it? Honestly where has this year gone??

looking back | September 28

I missed a lot of stuff this year and I told myself I wouldn't go back, but I couldn't resist celebrating the fall one last time. After all, winter is very much upon us now.

It seems like a life time ago that we were running through the mountain paths enjoying the colors. Sign. Couldn't be more grateful for my three.

Happy Monday!

12of12 reminder

Just a quick reminder that tomorrow is the twelfth. It's actually felt like a long time so I'm really looking forward to capturing my day.

Enjoy and have fun!

two a.m.

It's 2am and here I lay in bed listening to the howling of the wind, the violent rain pelting against the windows with only a hint of a headache remaining.

I'm not sure why I'm up (do we ever really know?), but I'm grateful I'm feeling whole again. A few hours ago, right around 6pm, I started getting a headache that progressed worse by the minute. By 7pm I was in bed, lights off, trying not to throw up. My efforts were in vain -- it's unfortunate I had pizza for dinner.

Tess had been sick with the very same symptoms Sunday, I feel so bad thinking about it now, she was in a lot of pain if it was anything like mine. I'm wondering though, if I wasn't sick at all, but just experiencing my first migraine. I can specifically remember being around Bella's age and watching my mom hide in her room, pillow over her head with the lights off. Tell me that is not my future -- don't migraines tend to come in bundles?

I can't be sure what the girls did from 7pm on, they were so good to leave me alone in my misery. I wonder if that's what my mom thought too? As I laid there suffering I was sure sleep would never come, but I must have nodded off because as I actively waited for Adam to come home, I never did actually hear him walk through the door.




You know I was just thinking the other day how grateful I am for my health, but it's never meant more to me than it does this morning, and I celebrated too. I ran around my house this morning cleaning like a maniac -- just because I could.

Have a fabulous safe weekend! I know I will. Daniel Craig is on my to do list. Anyone else plan to see Skyfall opening weekend? 

and the winner is...

 
Congratulations Jaymerz!

You are the winner of the daily gratitude journal. Please email me your address so I can get it shipped out to you. 

Happy Thursday!!

daily gratitiude giveaway

The Squam Art Workshop store is having a holiday bizarre now until December 1st. Among the wonderful items being sold you can find my daily gratitude journal. They were sold back in January/February and have been redesigned with a different cover for 2013.

Journals are shipping immediately so there is no wait if you are looking to purchase them as a gift for the holidays. Stock up now!



[photo by Michelle Madden Smith]

As a way to celebrate another year of gratitude, I'll be giving away one of my gratitude journals. Just leave me a comment by Wednesday evening at 9pm MST and I'll announce the winner Thursday morning.


Happy Voting!!

place to rest

I sat down to write on my blog after a full day and felt completely haunted by the memories, the moments I've failed to get out of my head and given a place to rest.

I guess you could say its regret I'm feeling. I'm so disappointment this year has passed by unnamed, semi-lost. I look through months and months of images just sitting on my computer and I don't know how to get back the authenticity of those days that have long since passed.

Twenty Twelve -- where did it go?

You know I never did pick a word to focus on this year. I didn't mean for it to happen, but weeks turned into months and soon enough my year was underway and no word. It's weird, choosing a word has been, for several years now, something that has helped me focus, redirect when my days start to melt together. I guess sometimes you learn the hard way how significant something like choosing a word for the year can be.

Twenty twelve not only raced by, it's been such a big year for me -- so many things happened. Dreams came true for starters. Teaching at Squam Art Workshops seemed so untouchable, it was exactly what I wanted for this year, and yet I didn't realize it was everything I needed. I went with the desire to shared what I love and what I received was way more than I could've ever thought possible. The experience taught me about confidence (still working on this one), and how to be secure with who I am. It taught me how much I have to offer and how much I want to give.

Twenty twelve also brought with it amazing dear woman. Friendships were formed that I never saw coming, that I never knew I needed. Now that these woman are in my life I can't imagine how I didn't know they were missing. Life is fuller now. Thanks goodness for technology that keeps most of us connected.

Twenty twelve gave me the opportunity to appreciate patience. Is that an oxymoron? Can I actually appreciate something that is hard for me or that I don't do well? I struggle with being patient, I've always struggled with waiting, but this year has taught me an invaluable lesson to trust, that while I wait, I am experiencing what will take me to where I need to go -- It's not only needed, it's necessary for growth.

I could go on and I should just to get my thoughts out, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Twenty Twelve is not even over yet and here I am writing about it as if it's gone. This post has been good for me though, it reminds me how much I miss the combination of words + photos (as ali edwards would say), how I can't go so long without putting my thoughts down (they'll be forgotten), and how my blog has a place and so does my journal, in documenting life.


Have a fabulous weekend. xo

this exact moment

there is nothing
more I ask of Life
than this moment, exactly so

& she looked at me & my heart danced
like a candle flame from her breath on my chest

& forever suddenly seemed
like too short a time

storypeople

rendezvous

It was like a scene right out of a movie -- I groggily walked toward the baggage claim after too many flights, ready to find my bed, and turned the corner and there he was. It stopped us both in our tracks, seeing each other there. We weren't expecting the other just then, even though we were suppose to meet -- it took us both by surprise.

Let me go back to the beginning.

I hadn't seen Adam for about ten days. He was traveling the week before, came home for two days and then left again.The day he was due back I was flying out to North Carolina and we missed each other by a few hours. I kept thinking it was fine because I'd see him Sunday before he had to leave again on Tuesday. Or so I thought.

During one of our phone conversations we discussed my flight home and the logistics of it all when we realized he was leaving Sunday afternoon for South Carolina and we'd miss each other once again. As bummed as I was I knew it was something we couldn't conrol. It was just the way our work had lined up this month. We both knew it would be crazy coming into October, we just didn't know how.

And then I got this lovely email with this crazy idea to meet him in South Carolina. I wasn't sure I could really pull it off -- I'd been gone all week and the girls were expecting me home. So I called them, my girls, to see what they thought and they urged me to go mainly because they got to spend a night at their friends and then Lolo was coming to stay. So I did it. I made it happen.


So there we were, after days/weeks of absence we found ourselves walking toward each other a little bewildered at how easy it had all been. We smiled and eagerly embraced standing there in Charleston, both of us with our travel bags.


Here are a few photos of our rendezvous (24 hours) in South Carolina.










I can't even begin to tell you how much fun it was to ride my bike through the seagulls. I couldn't help shoot pictures as I went. So worth getting mud all over my back.

a photograph

I know this seems like just a sunset, one like I've shared many times on my blog before, but when I look at it I see woman with similar passions, and yet still quite different. I see woman who started off as strangers and quickly became friends. I feel the overwhelming sense that I've been patiently waiting for them, that we were always meant to meet. I hear conversions that easily flowed from one subject to the next as if we have known each other a long time. I remember trespassing, or so we thought, to get a better view. I hear unabandoned laughter and recall publicly falling, on my bum, in an attempt to get the shot. I recall stocking up at the convenient shop with chocolate and other goodies, and eventually getting that steak we spoke about on the first day.


Sometimes that night is such a blur, it was only last week, and yet, it seems so far away, but then I see this photograph and it easily brings me back to those moments. And I realize, there is no need to mourn the loss of that evening, we will have it again. Hopefully sooner than later.

I miss you!

Memories -- what a gift.

12of12 | October | hybrid (canon+iphone)

01. Early morning walk with Adam. It's so hard to find the motivation to wake up early these days when it's so dark out.
02. Tess watching as her dad left for the airport.
03. Feeling, not quite myself, this morning.
04. Heading out to school.
05. I have a thing for spiderwebs.
06. My view looking east from the temple this morning. I was hopeful it would help change my mood.
07. Rainy rainy Friday
08. Tess pointed out this flower as we walked home from school. It was stunningly bright and colorful, in clear opposition to what was around us. Tender mercy.
09. It was a struggle all day not to sleep.
10. Meandered though Target today. Love when I get a chance to browse.
11. Our trees are quickly loosing their leaves. I had forgotten, until today, how many bags we filled last fall.
12. View from today's reading spot.

Today was hard. I think it was the rain that got me or I guess it could have been the grey skies. I mean, I can't think of anything else that would have thrown me off so much (which is strange because I do love the rain). I was tired, more tired than usual, emotionally spent, and struggled to want to pick up my camera. So grateful I had my phone with me -- i just couldn't bare carrying the extra weight around. So unlike me.

I suppose these days comes, and well, it's interesting to see what you make of it -- in photos that is.

I do hope your day was a lot better than mine. I'd love to see what you were up to.

thoughts from a late night movie

I cried myself to sleep last night after staying up far too late watching Meet Joe Black -- I love that movie. I'd like to blame it on the music, the soundtrack is so full of emotion it gets me every time, but the truth is, there are many moments in the film that touch on the frailty of this life that hit me deep down.

Like this one ---

"I thought I was going to sneak away tonight. What a glorious night. Every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory. Sometimes we had our ups and downs. But we're all together, and you're mine for a night. And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, 'I don't want anything more.' Sixty-five years. Don't they go by in a blink" -William Parrish | Meet Joe Black 1998

Tell me it's not just me. That's good stuff, no?

But in particular, it was one of the last scenes where William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins) and Joe Black (Brad Pitt) are getting ready to leave this life for the last time that had me teary. Both of them looking out at the world longingly, realizing more than ever that life, with all it's heartache and misunderstanding, is beautiful. The most beautiful of them, and the thing we long for the most, the thing that will be hardest to walk away from, are the relationships we've created -- simply put, love. While I believe wholeheartedly that the next life is better than even what we have here, and we will continue on with those relationships, it is still bittersweet, I imagine, to leave behind the place where your experiences began, where your most important lessons were learned, and you were given the agency to make your life into whatever it is you wanted.

Even writing that makes me antsy. I so long to live with no regrets, enjoying all the pieces, the ups and down, or maybe I should more accurately say, appreciating the uncomfortable moments for what they have taught me and helped me to become.

And while my life is living proof that teaching moments never cease, I know I couldn't possibly get through this life without my friends, family, and loved ones. After all, we were never meant to walk our path alone. How grateful I am for those of you who have crossed my path and joined me along the way. What you have given me is truly a gift. It is a blessing to know what we create here, will carry with us to the next. 

xoxxo

wish i could take you there...

You know if I was a better writer I would be able to share Squam with you in a way that would make you feel like you were there with me. I suppose that's how I found photography in the first place because i needed a way to express what I couldn't say in words. Squam has always been that, an experience too close to me that words cannot do it justice.

I wish I could take you all there. We'd swim in the cool lake till we couldn't stand it any longer. We'd sit on the dock laughing and talking with other woman about anything and everything. We'd get lost walking along the paths on our way to class. We'd sit for a spell and listen to the birds, the crickets, the rustling of the leaves, and acorns descending to the ground. We'd clear our mind with yoga. We'd meet new woman who quickly felt like old friends. We'd sit by the fire eating chocolate and telling stories. We'd participate in silly, photo reenactment games. We'd feel free and open to whatever the week had in store for us.

Instead of sharing photos, in the traditional sense, I made a video/slideshow of my experience at Squam a couple weeks ago. One of my goals this year was to learn to make videos. Sigh. I have so much to learn, 1) being actually taking the videos. I'm still in photograph mode. Anyway, here is my first of, I hope, many creations.



squam love | fall 2012 from amy gretchen on Vimeo.

The days I've spent walking the woods surrounded with these woman have made such an impact on me. They have truly touched my life for good and how grateful I am our paths crossed. The strength I've come home with after each session is helping me get closer to the woman I'm striving to be. Thank you for being apart of my story.

But don't take my work for it, come! Come and see how SquamArtWorkshops can change you?

see more photos from squam here.

illusion

if you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. but it's more fun if you let go & just let the wind carry you.

~storypeople

 

Have a great weekend! xo

12of12 | September | iphone version

[click here to enlarge]

01. The farm house I spent the night in.
02. Slowly waking up at the farm with seven other beauties and the promise of an excellent day ahead.
03. More farm. I couldn't get enough of this place and want to steal away there for an entire summer. Love it!
04. Went out running with Thea and came across this killer barn.
05. This huge wooden table in the dinning room was full of drawings, writings, and names. I could have spent hours reading.
06. If these walls could talk. The farm was just as magical on the inside and it was on the outside and I couldn't help but wonder what it has witnessed over the years.
07. Went to the fabric/yarn store with Thea, Allison, and Cal to get fabric for a skirt I'd be making in Cal's class. You'd be impressed, I choose something in under 5 minutes. A record, I believe for me, when shopping for fabric.
08. I couldn't imagine a more perfect greeting than to be welcomed by my dear friends Tingle and Maya as I checked in at Squam Art Workshops.
09. A gathering of woman. Really we're keeping ourselves busy while waiting for the dining hall to open for dinner.
10. I'm a huge fan of all the different cameras I see with all these amazingly creative woman.
11. Walking through the woods -- it really is magical there.
12. Our first of many meals together. It's not just about food, it's about being together.

Posting this now makes me miss everyone that much more.  :)

Again, I'm sorry for my delay! There is just no way I could have made it work with my spotty wireless connection. I can be sitting right next to my modem and it has me on 3G. Can't figure it out. Hopefully my new phone, yep the iphone5 is ordered and soon to be on it's way, will fix the issue.

Anyway, it feels good to be back and reconnecting. I hope you all had an enjoyable day shooting.

xo g

coming soon

I'm sorry to have not stopped by my blog today to post my 12of12. I am deep in the woods where I'm constantly in and out of service. I will post my photos when I can -- unfortunately its probably going to be after I get home. :)

Till next time. xo
Good night!

trains, plane and automobiles

Just wanted to remind you all that tomorrow is the twelfth. Looks like this is going to be another iPhone addition for me since I'm on the road -- or tracks as the case maybe right now. I'm currently on a train heading to Albany to hook up with my lovely friend Thea and then on to New Hampshire by car.

I must say I'm quite enjoying my train ride. It's not the first time I've been on a train, but it certainly the most beautiful leg I've had. There is something magical about up state New York, wouldn't you agree? Definitely looks good from my window seat.

Well, so far all of New York has looked amazing and treated me very well. Actually it was my delightful friend Tory who made my trip exceptional or as she would say, special. I will greatly miss her energy and late night chats. I can't wait for her to come west and hit the slopes with me.

Before I sign off just wanted to share a few instagrams from the past few days.

Have a fabulous day!