Maybe, if you ceased to exist, people wouldn't even notice you're missing
Maybe, if you disappeared into thin air, someone could come along and do a better job than you.
Maybe, all that you have been striving to do, just proves how unworthy you are. Because despite striving, you still can't thrive.
Maybe, all that you believed in, was just a facade, to make life a little bit easier to bear.
Maybe, there's no One upstairs. Or even if there is, he's most probably not what you thought him to be. And maybe, the love that you thought was free for all, was just an illusion to help you through the day.
Have you ever wished that you could go to sleep at night and never have to wake up to face a brand new day? Well, maybe you could try being Aiky for one day. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of that feeling of despair.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 04, 2007
A fire starter in the ward
Confused, agitated old ladies can be the scariest group of people in the hospital. Yeap, they're way ahead of the league compared to radiologists. I knew of one who was in delirium and smashed down a fire door, single-handedly. But this other one whom I had to deal with recently is by far the scariest.
With a lighter in her hand, she set the draw strings of her gown on fire (and I thank our NHS board for making their gown draw strings non-inflammable). Needless to say, all staff and patients around were getting quite fearful that something catastrophic might happen. It wasn't too helpful either that the patient beside this confused, wee old lady was on oxygen. So a few of us rugby tackled the old lady and managed to snatch the lighter out of her hand while quickly dosing her with the highest Haloperidol dose we could find in the ward.
... ... ...
Ok, I exaggerated. The second part about the rugby tackling isn't true. The first part about the lighter is. Plus many other things she did that terrified us quite a bit. But I thank whoever it was who came up with the brilliant idea of inventing sedatives. With much coaxing and help from her family, we did manage to give her some eventually.
My work colleague said we might turn up for work one day and find this elderly patient spiking her hair and singing Prodigy's famous techno Ah Beng song 'I Am A Fire Starter'. Ah...you never know. All in a day's work.
With a lighter in her hand, she set the draw strings of her gown on fire (and I thank our NHS board for making their gown draw strings non-inflammable). Needless to say, all staff and patients around were getting quite fearful that something catastrophic might happen. It wasn't too helpful either that the patient beside this confused, wee old lady was on oxygen. So a few of us rugby tackled the old lady and managed to snatch the lighter out of her hand while quickly dosing her with the highest Haloperidol dose we could find in the ward.
... ... ...
Ok, I exaggerated. The second part about the rugby tackling isn't true. The first part about the lighter is. Plus many other things she did that terrified us quite a bit. But I thank whoever it was who came up with the brilliant idea of inventing sedatives. With much coaxing and help from her family, we did manage to give her some eventually.
My work colleague said we might turn up for work one day and find this elderly patient spiking her hair and singing Prodigy's famous techno Ah Beng song 'I Am A Fire Starter'. Ah...you never know. All in a day's work.
A good read
I can't remember who sent this article to me ages ago when I was still running around in my cheer leading skirt in good ole' IMU. A few years down the line and it speaks to me in even greater volumes than when I first read it. Hope you enjoy reading it :)
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
Just in case anyone who's reading this is the true author of the above piece, please don't sue me for plagiarism :) I just really don't know who you are to give credit to.
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
But the biggest difference is how one grows out of this “quarter life crisis”. Some just decide to linger in it, complain about it, and ultimately isolate themselves in it since they find no solution to all the “ugliness” happening around. They get bitter, they become unforgiving, and they become blind to all goodness that God places around them. Then ultimately, they fall short of the full glory that God intended HIS PEOPLE to have. They end their lives on Earth never knowing His full purpose for them. This must be one of the most heart-wrenching tragedies that could ever pain God’s heart.
But for some others, they refuse to let this crisis be a foothold that the Devil can latch on to destroy their life. They learn that there ARE indeed weaknesses in them that they can’t forgive themselves for. But God says that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. They refuse to let the unclean spirit of unacceptance seep into their lives, for they have the power to love and this strength comes from the unfailing love that God has for them (1 John 4:16-21). Indeed, there is ugliness all around us, but such people see such ugliness as opportunities to be the salt and light of this world, and to spread His love and purpose to friends around.
God can only partner with us ONLY IF we are willing to let him come into our lives. All that is written above are just words. They can be made meaningless, or they can be made into sound advice. It’s our choice. James 4:8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Are you willing to come near to God?
Just in case anyone who's reading this is the true author of the above piece, please don't sue me for plagiarism :) I just really don't know who you are to give credit to.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I met a couple of people recently who got me thinking. A young lady who has recently lost her loved one. An old man giving up on life and refusing to fight against his disease. Another with newly diagnosed end stage cancer and yearning to cling on to any hope we can give. We can only shake our heads and whisper 'what a shame' because we know we can't even begin to comprehend what this people are going through. They ask, 'Why me?' or 'How can this possibly happen?' But at the end of the day, one simply has to accept that such questions are only meant to be asked, and rarely to be answered.
I lost something very precious recently. It is nothing near what the people mentioned above have lost, but it still has resulted with me battling with the One upstairs, sometimes to the extent that I have been tempted to shut the door on Him. I've tried to be still and listen for what He is saying. But it has been pretty impossible to get an answer at times.
I know the model Christian answer would be to say, 'in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him. No good thing will he withhold'. If one could truly believe it as carelessly as one could say it, then the world would indeed be a much more bearable place to live in.
But I suppose there in lies the central message of our belief - faith. Faith to believe that the one we believe in actually laid the earth's foundation; halted the proud waves of the sea and commanded, 'this far you may come and no farther'; and is above all, willing to endow man's heart with His complete love and grace. When Job was questioned by God, he could only answer, "I spoke once, but I have no answer - twice, but I will say no more." True indeed, what else can we say? We yearn for control, wanting to know what's going to happen, and thinking that we could shape life to the best we want it to be. But it doesn't take one long to realise how little our human mind can comprehend and how few answers we have.
It is sometimes incredibly hurtful when we become aware how little control we do have over our lives. And maybe, the only way to heal the disappointment and hurt is to let go, allowing the One who created us in the first place to have control and trusting that He has the best in mind for us.
I lost something very precious recently. It is nothing near what the people mentioned above have lost, but it still has resulted with me battling with the One upstairs, sometimes to the extent that I have been tempted to shut the door on Him. I've tried to be still and listen for what He is saying. But it has been pretty impossible to get an answer at times.
I know the model Christian answer would be to say, 'in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him. No good thing will he withhold'. If one could truly believe it as carelessly as one could say it, then the world would indeed be a much more bearable place to live in.
But I suppose there in lies the central message of our belief - faith. Faith to believe that the one we believe in actually laid the earth's foundation; halted the proud waves of the sea and commanded, 'this far you may come and no farther'; and is above all, willing to endow man's heart with His complete love and grace. When Job was questioned by God, he could only answer, "I spoke once, but I have no answer - twice, but I will say no more." True indeed, what else can we say? We yearn for control, wanting to know what's going to happen, and thinking that we could shape life to the best we want it to be. But it doesn't take one long to realise how little our human mind can comprehend and how few answers we have.
It is sometimes incredibly hurtful when we become aware how little control we do have over our lives. And maybe, the only way to heal the disappointment and hurt is to let go, allowing the One who created us in the first place to have control and trusting that He has the best in mind for us.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
3 months into the rest of my life
So it has been 3 months and counting (and it goes on counting now until I retire from Medicine or marry a very rich guy). Much have happened, much have changed. I've lost count of the number of times the FY1s in my ward and I have said to each other with intense passion, 'I hate my job so much!'
But at the end of the day, I realise that we only say it as a reaction to all the stress at that point of time, and in actual fact, I can't help but love my job. Rarely does any job give you an unending emotional roller coaster ride on a day to day basis. And I don't mean any sarcasm in that remark at all. The stress when there are 101 jobs, the joy when a patient looks you in the eye and utters a sincere 'Thank you', the fear when a patient is deteriorating in front of your eyes, the excitement when you've manage a patient well and he's improving, the encouragement you get from your seniors when they know you're stressed, the sadness when I certified my first death...and the list goes on.
And I've realised something else that Medical School doesn't really teach you. It's one of those things that folk say you learn on the job (as Lena nicely phrases it in her blog). Very few jobs place one so close to the hard fact that one's death is inevitable. There was a Friday when I left the ward, knowing that I won't see one of my patients again when I come back on Monday, not because he was going to be discharged, or to be transferred to another ward. But because of the simple yet harsh reality that he was dying.
I've observed with a mixture of fascination but also anger and disappointment at the emotional detachment that some doctors can have towards patients. But I forgot, that to a certain extent, this is the only mean of self defense mechanism that a doctor can adopt to save him/herself from emotional overload and fatigue. And maybe that's what I need to have as well. I have at many times pondered the vast disparity between the ideals of this profession that Medical School teaches you (i.e. to act to the best interest of the patient) and the reality of the service that we can provide. And it didn't take me long to realise that if I keep working as if the ideals equal the reality, I will indeed lose my sanity.
Maybe, I love my job so much because it is what gives my life meaning. Without it, I really won't know what to do with myself. Which is sad, in a way. Because it could mean that my life equals work and nothing else. I scared myself one day when I was working way past my shift, and the nurses were urging me to go home, and the thought dawn to me that I actually quite enjoy staying in the ward working because there's nothing much to do when I go home anyway. Now that is a really scary thought, because it simply means Aiky is really turning into a workaholic with no social life at all (which is already true to a certain degree).
There were days when I could have put my foot down and said this is it, I've worked past my shift, and I need to go off for prayer or CF meetings. But I didn't, and I just worked on with the full awareness that I'm willing to miss my usual Christian meetings for work. I guess I have allowed myself to drift into the danger of placing my work above my faith. Not good, indeed. All these is certainly taking a toil on my relationship with the One above.
Anyways, enough of all these thoughts and reflections (eeks! maybe that's what the Dundee medical school curriculum has trained us to be!! If you're a Dundee 5th yr medic stud or graduate, you'll know what I'm talking about!) I've just came back from Prague for my annual leave. It was a good trip, except for a major hiccup towards the end of it. But all is fine, or rather, will be fine. Back to work tomorrow!
But at the end of the day, I realise that we only say it as a reaction to all the stress at that point of time, and in actual fact, I can't help but love my job. Rarely does any job give you an unending emotional roller coaster ride on a day to day basis. And I don't mean any sarcasm in that remark at all. The stress when there are 101 jobs, the joy when a patient looks you in the eye and utters a sincere 'Thank you', the fear when a patient is deteriorating in front of your eyes, the excitement when you've manage a patient well and he's improving, the encouragement you get from your seniors when they know you're stressed, the sadness when I certified my first death...and the list goes on.
And I've realised something else that Medical School doesn't really teach you. It's one of those things that folk say you learn on the job (as Lena nicely phrases it in her blog). Very few jobs place one so close to the hard fact that one's death is inevitable. There was a Friday when I left the ward, knowing that I won't see one of my patients again when I come back on Monday, not because he was going to be discharged, or to be transferred to another ward. But because of the simple yet harsh reality that he was dying.
I've observed with a mixture of fascination but also anger and disappointment at the emotional detachment that some doctors can have towards patients. But I forgot, that to a certain extent, this is the only mean of self defense mechanism that a doctor can adopt to save him/herself from emotional overload and fatigue. And maybe that's what I need to have as well. I have at many times pondered the vast disparity between the ideals of this profession that Medical School teaches you (i.e. to act to the best interest of the patient) and the reality of the service that we can provide. And it didn't take me long to realise that if I keep working as if the ideals equal the reality, I will indeed lose my sanity.
Maybe, I love my job so much because it is what gives my life meaning. Without it, I really won't know what to do with myself. Which is sad, in a way. Because it could mean that my life equals work and nothing else. I scared myself one day when I was working way past my shift, and the nurses were urging me to go home, and the thought dawn to me that I actually quite enjoy staying in the ward working because there's nothing much to do when I go home anyway. Now that is a really scary thought, because it simply means Aiky is really turning into a workaholic with no social life at all (which is already true to a certain degree).
There were days when I could have put my foot down and said this is it, I've worked past my shift, and I need to go off for prayer or CF meetings. But I didn't, and I just worked on with the full awareness that I'm willing to miss my usual Christian meetings for work. I guess I have allowed myself to drift into the danger of placing my work above my faith. Not good, indeed. All these is certainly taking a toil on my relationship with the One above.
Anyways, enough of all these thoughts and reflections (eeks! maybe that's what the Dundee medical school curriculum has trained us to be!! If you're a Dundee 5th yr medic stud or graduate, you'll know what I'm talking about!) I've just came back from Prague for my annual leave. It was a good trip, except for a major hiccup towards the end of it. But all is fine, or rather, will be fine. Back to work tomorrow!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Of nostalgic feelings, greek encounters and the woes of getting visas...
Been a week since I sent my parents off. It's pretty odd coz I've never missed them so much before, especially during meal times nowadays when I cook for one person's share...and then eat it alone... (cue solo violin playing in the background) Plus the fact that I used to stay in a house with 8 other wackos and meal times used to be war zones where you raised your voice to speak or risk being unnoticed. Hmmm, really going to miss those days. From next week, it's pretty much going to be me, and me, and me eating alone in the Doctor's residences (cue violin again).
Spent the weekend away in Milton Keynes for a COCM (Chinese Overseas Christian Mission) conference. Was a good time away with a lot of solid foundational teaching. It was the first time I got so lost amidst all the Cantonese conversations and it didn't take long for people to realise that I'm hopeless in Cantonese! But was very edifying indeed to mix with people from Leeds and Birmingham where the Chinese Churches there have not only 1, not 2, but 3 services! (1 for English, 1 Chinese and 1 Cantonese)
To save money on the way back, I decided to take a bus to London, and then wait for the overnight megabus to Dundee, which meant I had to linger in London for 7 hours. With not much money to spend, and not wanting to get lost (remember...Dundee is just one high street, London is millions and millions of streets), I decided to take a walk down to Buckingham Palace and laze in the sun a bit at the park in front of the Palace. And lo and behold, who shall I meet but one of my year mates, of all places in London! So spent the evening with his friends (who are all greek) and it was the second time during the weekend that I got completely lost in a foreign conversation. It was superbly entertaining though to see them speak greek with their big hand gestures. I always get this impression that they're very excited over the things that they speak about, but actually, it's just their way of conversing to one another.
Rushed off to do my visa in Glasgow the next day. But got rejected due to one single letter. Mmm don't really want to launch into the whole story again because I've repeated myself so many times to different people that I'm bit bored of it. But at least I achieved my other mission in Glasgow which was to get a new watch! Ahhh....and now I can't stop admiring it and can't stop wanting to know the time. It's a Fossil watch with 3 interchangeable straps made of genuine leather. And it was on half price! Spent the rest of the day sitting at a window seat in Starbucks sipping a Frappucino and waiting for my megabus back. That was quite nice...it reminded me of the time when I used to do that when studying in Singapore...just sitting in Starbucks with a book to read, and watching the shoppers go by the window. It's quite a different feeling being in Glasgow with the massive throngs and throngs of shoppers compared to good ole Dundee where you've got just ONE shopping street. And for a moment there, I half wished that I was staying in a bigger city. But then again...maybe not. I still like Dundee better :) Got to make another trip down to Glasgow again to sort out my visa. Or I'll risk being an illegal worker here!
Spent the weekend away in Milton Keynes for a COCM (Chinese Overseas Christian Mission) conference. Was a good time away with a lot of solid foundational teaching. It was the first time I got so lost amidst all the Cantonese conversations and it didn't take long for people to realise that I'm hopeless in Cantonese! But was very edifying indeed to mix with people from Leeds and Birmingham where the Chinese Churches there have not only 1, not 2, but 3 services! (1 for English, 1 Chinese and 1 Cantonese)
To save money on the way back, I decided to take a bus to London, and then wait for the overnight megabus to Dundee, which meant I had to linger in London for 7 hours. With not much money to spend, and not wanting to get lost (remember...Dundee is just one high street, London is millions and millions of streets), I decided to take a walk down to Buckingham Palace and laze in the sun a bit at the park in front of the Palace. And lo and behold, who shall I meet but one of my year mates, of all places in London! So spent the evening with his friends (who are all greek) and it was the second time during the weekend that I got completely lost in a foreign conversation. It was superbly entertaining though to see them speak greek with their big hand gestures. I always get this impression that they're very excited over the things that they speak about, but actually, it's just their way of conversing to one another.
Rushed off to do my visa in Glasgow the next day. But got rejected due to one single letter. Mmm don't really want to launch into the whole story again because I've repeated myself so many times to different people that I'm bit bored of it. But at least I achieved my other mission in Glasgow which was to get a new watch! Ahhh....and now I can't stop admiring it and can't stop wanting to know the time. It's a Fossil watch with 3 interchangeable straps made of genuine leather. And it was on half price! Spent the rest of the day sitting at a window seat in Starbucks sipping a Frappucino and waiting for my megabus back. That was quite nice...it reminded me of the time when I used to do that when studying in Singapore...just sitting in Starbucks with a book to read, and watching the shoppers go by the window. It's quite a different feeling being in Glasgow with the massive throngs and throngs of shoppers compared to good ole Dundee where you've got just ONE shopping street. And for a moment there, I half wished that I was staying in a bigger city. But then again...maybe not. I still like Dundee better :) Got to make another trip down to Glasgow again to sort out my visa. Or I'll risk being an illegal worker here!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
All the excitement in June and July...part 2
I don't quite know how to describe the feeling when i slipped into my black graduation gown and the rich, velvety, furry graduation hood. I suddenly realised that this is it. 18 years of formal education ends here with a bare 10 second walk on stage to be capped by our uni chancellor. Without getting too emotional about the whole affair, I just really want to say that God definitely knows what He's doing. It could not have been by my own strength.
And it feels weird...when the person handing out the certs after we went off stage said to me, 'Congratulations, doctor!' Doctor?? Oh right...I think that's me...
The garden party after that with all the champagne was marvellous! Especially when we had such good weather!! All of us basked in the glorious sun, while our parents basked in the glorious pride of seeing their daughters/sons wearing their graduation robes and going around snapping photos with each other. It was sad though...to have to go around and say goodbye to those not working in Dundee. Days like these only happen once in the whole life time. Even if you do graduate again later from some Royal College, it'll be different.
Jo helping me with the gown (it kept slipping to the back and off my shoulders).
Dr Tan, Dr Liew, Dr Goh, Dr Yap, Dr Khoo, Dr Yu, Dr Kong, Dr Ngu.
Me, WoeiLin and Inez.
Colin and WoeiLin in their specially hired kilts!
The lovely flowers waiting for me....thanks :)
Yeap, so that was it. The end of NineCastle, the end of the class of 2007 Medicine, Uni of Dundee. All the best to all your guys. I'm sure we'll read about you guys once in a while, in Lancet or New England Journal of Medicine I'm sure!
And it feels weird...when the person handing out the certs after we went off stage said to me, 'Congratulations, doctor!' Doctor?? Oh right...I think that's me...
The garden party after that with all the champagne was marvellous! Especially when we had such good weather!! All of us basked in the glorious sun, while our parents basked in the glorious pride of seeing their daughters/sons wearing their graduation robes and going around snapping photos with each other. It was sad though...to have to go around and say goodbye to those not working in Dundee. Days like these only happen once in the whole life time. Even if you do graduate again later from some Royal College, it'll be different.
My mom and dad. What can I say to these two who have supported, loved, cared, nourished me throughout the past 24 years?? Um, we Chinese don't really express our love for each other well. So, well, thanks, pa and mi, for everything. And for that every single cent you saved up from the first day of your marriage so that you could send me to med school!
Jo helping me with the gown (it kept slipping to the back and off my shoulders).
Dr Tan, Dr Liew, Dr Goh, Dr Yap, Dr Khoo, Dr Yu, Dr Kong, Dr Ngu.
Me, WoeiLin and Inez.
Colin and WoeiLin in their specially hired kilts!
The lovely flowers waiting for me....thanks :)
Yeap, so that was it. The end of NineCastle, the end of the class of 2007 Medicine, Uni of Dundee. All the best to all your guys. I'm sure we'll read about you guys once in a while, in Lancet or New England Journal of Medicine I'm sure!
All the excitement in June and July...part 1
Apologise for the long hiatus again, but life has been too exciting!
First, there was the graduation ball. Which was absolutely smashing!
The girls...
WoeiLin trying to blend in with the dancing people on stage but failing terribly...
Good old Ceilidh dancing..
The lovely Elaine and Jo who are becoming more Malaysian-ised by the day. Especially Jo who's going around saying 'no-lah' in the most cantonese-english-speaking way possible.
Then there was the road trip down from Aviemore where we stopped by lots of lovely places which made me love this world's best small country even more. And I think we were still pretty exhilarated from the previous night's ball, which explains the crazy photos...
As hard as I've tried, I still can't imitate the above expression...
Ok that's enough photos for now. Graduation ceremony ones coming up soon.
First, there was the graduation ball. Which was absolutely smashing!
The girls...
WoeiLin trying to blend in with the dancing people on stage but failing terribly...
Good old Ceilidh dancing..
The lovely Elaine and Jo who are becoming more Malaysian-ised by the day. Especially Jo who's going around saying 'no-lah' in the most cantonese-english-speaking way possible.
Then there was the road trip down from Aviemore where we stopped by lots of lovely places which made me love this world's best small country even more. And I think we were still pretty exhilarated from the previous night's ball, which explains the crazy photos...
As hard as I've tried, I still can't imitate the above expression...
Ok that's enough photos for now. Graduation ceremony ones coming up soon.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
???
How did this come about?? What's this Malaysian Medical blogroll thingy?? Oh man...means doctors back in Malaysia are reading my blog. Um...hi, if you're one.
Oh and quite a lot of us are on it too, which is pretty scary. Do they have someone who actually reads our every blog entry? Coz that's the only way they could have known that Ian, Lena and I have passed our finals. Mmmm....big brother is watching.
Anyways, I got the website from Lena who read it on Azman's blog. Wahaha, I'm no longer in the student blogroll!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
