Quick Takes

1. I like (sort-of) saying we are only in TTC Cycle #2. Makes it better than saying we are on our TTC cycle #27... Which is really more accurate, but who's counting?

2. Doug and I went to Christmas Eve Mass alone this year. We had just got home from visiting my parents in Ohio and we were heading to see Doug's family the next day. It was so nice! We went to mass, went to our own home and listened to Christmas music and opened some presents. Loved it! It was nice just being with our own little family.

3. I received a Christmas Miracle. I haven't heard from my brother and his family in over 3 years. The last time I saw him was right before Doug and I got engaged. I always send him, his wife and their kids cards, letters, etc. I never hear a word. :( Yesterday, I received not only a Christmas card from his family, but a CD of pictures of the kids. It might not seem like a lot, but it is a step and I am able to see a little bit of hope there. Pray for him and his family!

4. I'm not sure Doug and I will make it till midnight on New Years Eve. We didn't last year!

5. My boss told me he would pay me if I never dressed up Daisy again. Didn't work. I put a Santa hat on her the very next day. :)

6. I have a friend who asked me how I bent down to check my cervical mucus. She told me I must be super flexible. I had no clue what she was talking about. So I inquired and she explained. She thought I (and the rest of the world) checked it by just glancing 'down there' to check it out. Ummmm... Nope. And she's the fertile one!

7. Happy New Year!!! May ALL our dreams come true in 2012!!!

A bit of bitterness and hope

The Background:

I am on my 2nd cycle after my endo/tube surgery.  Cycle #1 was a bust.  It was a wonky and crazy.  When I started cycle #2, I called Dr. G and set up a cycle review and follow-up.  I am so glad I did.  He was booked solid until January and I just squeezed in.  Whoot!

He agreed my first cycle was just that... a first post-op cycle.  It was to be expected, that is was a bit messed up and not an 'ideal' cycle.  It was semi-ok in length and flow.  Mucus was all messed up and spotty.   My temps were all over the place.  I knew that it would be a long shot to conceive with all that, but I was still disappointed.  I couldn't help it.  I had a dream that I would just miraculously conceive right away.  It was a crazy dream that I knew wouldn't happen, but still, a dream nonetheless.

Dr. G again insisted that the surgery was a glowing success as far as the endo and tubes go.  He also said freeing up the ovaries will also help things along.   Now we just needed to work on ovulation.  He said that with the 100+ pound weight loss, I just *might* ovulate on my own.  He was hopeful that I would.

But just in case we don't conceive this month, we will be doing some ovulatory meds and HCG next month.  It sounds like a good plan.  The nurse (who I LOVE - she is the best!) wrote me some scripts for cycle #3.  She handed them to me and said, "Try try try this month and maybe you will not have to fill these.  I'm hoping for that."  She really is the best.

The Bitterness:

The appointment went exactly how I had planned.  I had a great conversation with the doctor and left with some magic meds.  Yet, when I left, I broke down hysterically crying on the way to my car.  Once I started driving, I found myself screaming in the car.  I was SO MAD!!!  ANGRY!!  BITTER!!!  Why the heck do any of us have to go through this!??  Why!??

I just get so angry!  I do not understand why my and all my IF friends bodies just do not work right.  Why I cannot just ovulate like the rest of the world who get pregnant when they do not even want to!?!  It is so aggravating!  I feel like such a failure in that department.  Ugh Ugh Ugh!

It did not help that I had numerous pregnancy announcements the week of the appointment.  It didn't help that many of my friends were talking about how they were loving the IUD's and birth control.

All of that talk, along with my fertility medication scripts made me so bitter about it all.  It took me days to calm down and not look at the script (which I wanted!) without giving the poor piece of paper a nasty look.

The Hope:

I eventually calmed down.  I came to grips that this is what we might have to do if this cycle is a bust as well.   I am not a failure.  I am just doing what I have to to have a baby.  I filled some of the script to be prepared and I'll get the HCG *if* I need it when cycle #3 starts.  Yep, see... there is still HOPE.  I carry it around with me everyday.  I constantly say, *if* we have to use the meds, *if* we don't conceive this month, *if* we do conceive, etc.  It is the word of the month.

This cycle has given me reason to hope.  I have not had any brown bleeding (none since surgery!).  I have had great mucus (best ever really!).   My cycle has followed a 'normal' pattern so far.  I even have had my fertile mucus right around day 13/14/15... something that is totally new for me.  I normally (pre-surgery) would have spotty mucus, if any, and it would be very late in my cycle - after day 17/18.  

This cycle, all signs point to possible ovulation. However, I have a sinking feeling my little egg is there, but just cannot get out the starting gate.  That is what it has done in the past.  But maybe I will ovulate. On my own.  Un-medicated.  That would be some good news and pretty amazing, since I don't think it has happened for a loooong time.

I still have my moments of being bitter, of being angry.  But I cannot do that for an entire cycle.  It drives me and my poor DH crazy.  I hate feeling like that.  I'm sure it will pop back up again.  But for now, I'm going to focus on the good things about this cycle.  It's the only way I will make it to cycle #3, *if* there is one!

Merry Christmas!

From our home to yours, 
Merry Christmas Blogger Buddies!

Our  Christmas Card ~ 2011

"God is always faithful to his promises, but he often surprises us in the way he fulfills them. The child that was born in Bethlehem did indeed bring liberation, but not only for the people of that time and place - he was to be the Saviour of all people throughout the world and throughout history. And it was not a political liberation that he brought, achieved through military means: rather, Christ destroyed death for ever and restored life by means of his shameful death on the Cross. 

And while he was born in poverty and obscurity, far from the centres of earthly power, he was none other than the Son of God. Out of love for us he took upon himself our human condition, our fragility, our vulnerability, and he opened up for us the path that leads to the fullness of life, to a share in the life of God himself. 

As we ponder this great mystery in our hearts this Christmas, let us give thanks to God for his goodness to us, and let us joyfully proclaim to those around us the good news that God offers us freedom from whatever weighs us down: he gives us hope, he brings us life."

~ Pope Benedict XVI

Prayer Buddy Reveal Time!

This Advent, I had the privilege to pray for C over at The Forgotten.

I tried to pray my little heart out for you C.  I know you are struggling.  While I never would assume I know how you feel, I had a similar 'wait' for my DH to come into my life.  I was a bridesmaid, never a bride (or even close) for YEARS!  Most of my friends celebrated their 10 year anniversary before I even met DH.  It sucked - big time.  Now I wait again... this time for something else entirely.

I will continue to pray for you while you wait and try to find your way back to God.  I know I am not the only one who is praying for you and looking forward to the day that you fully understand and know the depth of HIS love for you... and your future DH's love too!

Blessed.

Even on the days when I feel down, I look around and know, without a doubt, that I am so blessed.  I am a child of God.  I have an amazing husband who is more wonderful than I will ever deserve.  I have amazing parents who have continue to teach me the value of love, hope and faith.  I have the love and support of friends from all over the country (and Canada).  I have one heck of a cute dog.  I even have a stinky cat.  What a blessed life.  

What a difference a year makes.

"Baby Leo... Can you believe it has been a whole year since my surgery 

and since you were born??"  Me neither kid!

We've come a long way baby.  

Over 100 pounds down for me... up 21.5 for Leo!  Win win!

Happy one year to both of us!

Why did I do it?

I knew I shouldn't have.

I knew it wouldn't end well.

I still did it.

I POAS this morning - on day 26.

I admit, I (and DH) had a little hope.

Dang hope.  It gets me every time.

Sunday Quick Takes and an Award!

1.  I am finally feeling almost back to normal after my surgery.  No more pain really.  One incision is all healed... one's still getting there and is a little bothersome at times, but ok.  I'm almost at the one month post-op point... whoo too!

2. I'm still breaking down crying all the time.  I can start crying at a drop of a hat.  I hear a song - cry.  I think of having a baby - cry.  I think of not having a baby - cry.  Mainly I just tear up and then pull it together.  If I get to work without crying in the car, it's a good day.  I don't know what's up with this, but this is a little nuts!

3.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas cards!  I love getting them and sending them out!  When I was single, I always handmade my cards I sent out.  After all, I didn't want to stick a picture of myself on a card.  That would have looked a little silly.  I always looked forward to getting married and doing a fun picture Christmas card.  NOW... I LOVE that I can do picture cards!  LOVE!  It makes me so happy!  And I love getting the cards and seeing all the pictures and how all the kids grow up.  Seriously, makes me smile from ear to ear!  

4. We are doing less decorating this Christmas.  It feels like I'm finally feeling better and finally have the house semi-cleaned and back together and now it's time to decorate.  It felt overwhelming for some reason.  Plus, we do have that playful puppy.  I had visions of her eating all the decorations.  NOPE!  Cannot not happen. We decided to do a small tree, instead of our normal huge one.  It turned out great.  It was a whopping $17 to buy and decorate!  It's also behind a little gate and is so far puppy safe. We decorated the mantle and a few other things around the house, plus put two little trees outside.  It's all nice and simple!  Love it!  (Granted... this simple look, still required getting 5 tubs out of the attic... but baby steps, right?!)

Daisy wanting to eat the tree.  

5. I love Hebrews and JellyBelly. 

6. I am joining a Catholic book club!  Yay!  I'm so excited to meet some new fun Catholic ladies, drink some wine (or watch others drink wine since I haven't had anything to drink since my surgery last year), and have a little fun.  I think it will be a good time.

7.  I was warned my first cycle after surgery would be hard and emotional.  It has been.  Physically, it was hard and mentally, it's been exhausting.  I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE to have this work!  I want it to work SO BAD and NOW!  I don't even know what really went on this cycle.  I was charting and everything was all over the place.  I must remember it's THE FIRST CYCLE!  We are starting over!  It's ok to be hopeful!  But man, I am so afraid of hope!  I have it... I believe we will conceive, but at the same time I prepare myself that it will not be this cycle.  But then, I'm hopeful it will be THIS FIRST cycle.  It's a vicious cycle that I go through hour after hour each day.  Hmmmm.... maybe that is why I'm crying and feeling crazy all the time!  :)  AHHH!  Let the 2WW go fast!!  I am not patient at all!

8.  Just one more... I received TWO Liebster Blog Award from JellyBelly and Always Giving Thanks!  Thank you for your nomination!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.  

Thanks ladies. I'm not sure if everyone has already been awarded one... but I will give it a go anyway.  

My nominees are:

1. Second Chances

2. Isaiah Fifty Five

3. My Heart Exults

4. Chasing Joy

5. Heart of St. Monica

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: (BUT NO PRESSURE!)

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.