Knowing My Klutz Factor, I Should Be The One With A Broken Limb

Posted on January 31, 2012 by imfluffyowl

I love my husband dearly but he’s starting to clock more hospital time than a cancer patient. I can say that cause I know, Grammy had cancer and we spent a lot of time at the hospital. A LOT OF TIME. *I should note that I mean no joke to anyone who has suffered from cancer or had someone they love suffer from it, its terrible. I just wished to establish the point that my husband has been spending a lot of time at hospitals lately. My only real point of comparison is between him and my grandmother’s recent battle with cancer. I sincerely mean no offense to anyone and I state this upfront to prevent hurt feelings. I now return you to your regularly scheduled reading of my blog…*

It’s broken, but MiL thinks the real crime is his toenails…

This time, Chris broke his ankle. The title sorta says it all though. I’m the clumsy one, it’s winter, so therefore it should be me in the hospital with a broken limb. But alas I am not. Also I think this is karma kicking my husbands ass because he made fun of my “penguin waddle” the other day while walking on an icy sidewalk.

And of course he picks the worst time for it to happen. Whenever he has to go to the hospital suddenly, it’s always when I’m about to jump in the shower or I’m in old clothes that you wear around the house for comfort and generally it’s when I’m baking or making supper. Tonight I had the water on, and I was about to jump in the shower at mom and dad’s when the phone rang. We had some sudden freshly fallen snow and that is on top of the ice left over from the storm on Friday. Chris was going to visit Adam and Amy downstairs and he slipped on the ice. His foot is black and it flopped to one side when he fell. He not only broke it but he popped the foot out of its socket and he popped it back in while his friend called 911 for the ambulance to take him down the street to the hospital. That ride is probably gonna cost us a hefty $150 bucks. There’s about 20 houses between our apartment and the entrance to the hospital. That’s a pretty expensive drive.

Chris’s parents were there with me and Chris. They were able to get there before me. Chris was fighting the doctors on pain meds. He is the only person I have ever met who would rather put up with the pain of a broken bone instead of taking any strong meds to help with the pain. I don’t use drugs for recreational use, but if I broke a bone and a nurse or doctor offered me strong narcotics to help with the pain my only answer would be “YES PLEASE!” He was in a panic about the fact that his toes were numb and the nurses were joking around with him to try to get him to stop the panic that his foot would have to be cut off or some other strange idea.

While there with his parents, whom I love with all my heart, I was starting to go crazy. I love MIL but I see where Chris gets his medical panics from. He was too long in the x-ray and had thoughts on that. He wasn’t taking the meds and he should. FIL is the quiet type and just stands behind her shaking his head while I laugh in response and MIL just looks at me like I lost my mind. But the biggest crime to my MIL? It’s not that her only child is on a hospital bed waiting for find out just how broken his foot/ankle is. The biggest crime is the fact that his toenails have been painted dark green. His mother is freaking out because I painted his toenails a forrest green a couple of weeks ago and the nurses can see it.She complains to me about letting him do this to himself, but then I come back with, “What are you talking about Debbie, I was the one that suggested it, I just let him pick the color!” The nurses hear this entire conversation and laugh heartily at my amusement and MIL’s disdain over it. The nurses didn’t care other than the commentary was providing them amusement and they were surprised that I didn’t force them into it. But to my poor MIL, I was shaming her entire family because I not only let him paint his toenails, but also that I did it.

So what’s the extent of the damage, you ask? He broke part of his right ankle. The outer right side, you know, the bump on the side of your ankle? Yeah, that part is sorta just floating around now while the swelling goes down. After he finished in x-ray, the doctor on call had to send the x-ray off to the orthopedic surgeon. Apparently we are not the only broken bone tonight because of the snow and ice because there were 8 in front of us and they didn’t want to keep us all night. We have to see the orthopedic surgeon on Wednesday. There is something about a metal plate being put in for the floating bone? But we will know more on Wednesday.

He’s got quite the setup going on, with me at his beck and call…

Adam and Amy stopped by the hospital with Derrek and brought me some tea which was wonderful. They wanted to check in on him. After that, they went back to our apartment (they have one of our spare keys for emergencies) and they got our road salt and cleared and salted the step and walkway up to our door. The in-laws got Chris home, which was interesting as they gave us no crutches or canes and he can’t put any weight on his foot. But we got him in the apartment. Hes now getting to the bathroom by using me and a chair as supports. I really hope they put him in a walking cast on Wednesday for the simple fact that the next 6 weeks will be very difficult otherwise.

As for now, its almost 5am and we are finally starting to get tired. And now I have to help him get to bed. Plus, to add to it, I have to take my grandmother grocery shopping tomorrow. So goodnight/good morning my fellow bloggers.

Family Doctors Are Useless Idiots

Posted on January 27, 2012 by imfluffyowl

First of all, thank you for all the heartfelt comments on my last two posts. It has helped ease my mind. ICLW is a wonderful thing and I’m so grateful for everyone who has embraced Mel’s wonderful creation. I went from feeling alone and scared to feeling accepted and like I wasn’t walking this fight alone. Seeing all of the comments left from those stopping by have helped me emotionally and reignited my love of writing in my blog. It’s a breath of fresh air.

Secondly, I finally got the results of my internal ultrasound with “Wandy”on December 20th (the delay on the results is because my doctor was away for a month on vacation and it took a bit for the secretary to get through all the build up of paperwork when they got back, so its cool, I can be patient). All reports came back NORMAL! This may be the only time I can qualify myself as normal but I’ll take it. No signs of cysts or any other abnormalities. It’s been a great relief to get this news because its simply one less hassle to deal with when it comes to us getting pregnant. I still have to do blood work to check my hormone levels and to see if my thyroid medication needs to be adjusted, but I take what good I can get from any situation at this point.

And finally, if things had gone how they should have gone, I would have been in Halifax with my husband today for his urologist appointment. An appointment that has been 2 years in the making. So what went wrong? A lot. Of course in the past I told you all about Chris’s family doctor being completely useless. She waited 2 months to give us the results of his first semen analysis. She previously sent the referral for him to go to the urologist to the wrong doctor…Twice! Then when we got the paperwork from Dr. G (finally the right doctor!!), she waited 2 months to give us the slip with the requirements he wanted before scheduling an appointment. So its no surprise that she screwed up our chances of getting to our first appointment. Right?

After my last post, I felt more confident and relaxed. The next day, I called Dr. G’s office. I got through right away to the secretary. (She was incredibly kind and sweet on the phone.) I told her who I was, that I was calling on behalf of my husband and she had no issue with dealing with me directly. When I gave her our names, she actually was surprised to hear from us. This is what I can remember of the conversation we had:

Me: Hi, I was wondering if you could help us. My husband was referred to Dr. G just before the summer. We eventually received paper work from your office requesting blood work and semen samples. The last of the samples were completed and supposedly sent back to you a little over 2 months ago and we have yet to hear from your office. I’m just wondering if you could let me know if you got the results and if there is any hold up? We’re getting a bit anxious…

Secretary: Hello Kimberly, funny you should call me today. Your husband was actually scheduled for an appointment 2 days from now, but I had to cancel it when I was unable to contact him to confirm the appointment.

Me: WHAT?!?!? Seriously?

Secretary: I’m so sorry that I had to cancel. But yes, we tried calling the number listed on the forms that came from his doctor. I have this number (his old cell #) and this address (our old address).

Me: That’s funny. We no longer live at that address and husband has a new number.

Secretary: Well that explains why I couldn’t contact you.

Me: Did you receive any other paper work since the middle of December from his family doctor?

Secretary: I have the file here and the only paperwork that was faxed to us was the original referral and the paperwork sent from his tests. Nothing else.

Me: Ok, that’s funny, because when Chris got his new phone and we had our new address, he went to his doctor immediately to update his phone number, our new address and my number as backup with his doctor and asked that the information be faxed to your office immediately. They told us that they would fax it that day.

Secretary: I’m so very sorry Kim. Had I been aware of any of this, I would have contacted you personally to make sure you knew about the appointment.

Me: It’s not your fault. His doctors office does this ALL THE TIME. They sent the referral for this to the wrong doctor twice and only finally sent it to your office when my husband flat out demanded it. That’s why its taken 2 years just to get to this point.

Secretary: I’m so sorry that you both have had to go through this. This is a stressful enough time for you as a couple, you don’t need this added stress. I’m gonna try to schedule you in as fast as I can but still give you enough time to make travel arrangements. What time frame works best for you? Because I know you are traveling from Cape Breton…

She continued to apologize through to the end of the call. She genuinely felt bad for having to cancel our appointment. Even though she wasn’t at fault. She offered to put us on the cancellation list but we both realized we have at least a 5 hour drive to the appointment so we need some notice. Plus work, setting up pet sitters for the kitties and all that fun stuff.

But it baffled my mind because this woman was apologizing for the acts, antics and stupidity of Chris’s family doctor. And the family doctor and her receptionist? Yeah, I wanna choke them with my bare hands. Seriously? We intentionally went in and asked them to fax that information to Dr. G’s office right away because we were waiting for a call for an appointment. Only to find out that they didn’t send the info. Lied, saying that they did. And now we are missing the appointment because of it. I want to just call them and yell at them til I lose my voice. Maybe fuck up her office a bit. It’s amazing the difference in protocol and mannerism between the two doctors offices. One can’t be bothered to do their work, the other is apologizing for others fuck ups.

But as frustrated as I am that right now we should be relaxing with family after we finished the appointment, I’m still a very happy girl because we should be in to see the urologist within the next 6 weeks or so. The secretary is waiting for Dr. G’s calendar to open up for the next two months. Once its open for appointments, she will schedule us and call us right away with the date and time of the appointment. That simple call and her help on the phone suddenly made me go from feeling lost in this sea of medical professionals who don’t care about us, to feeling like we matter, like our concerns are real and that they truly want to help us. We’ve had so little of this for the past 3 years, so this is a breath of fresh air to feel confident about the next move in our infertility journey.

I really hope this communication with our new doctors will become a regular standard from now on, instead of an isolated incident. Here’s hoping!

The Things My Mind Is Capable Of…

Posted on January 24, 2012 by imfluffyowl

So I’ve been in and out of a panic attack and a deep feeling of depression since about 4 this afternoon. And no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I was at my parents, I had just finished up the paperwork and I was zoned out looking at the cordless phone that somehow ended up in my hands. I suddenly got it stuck in my head that I was fucking sick and tired of waiting for the doctors to try to get a hold of us and decided I was gonna beat them to it and make contact first. Tried calling my doctors office to get my ultrasound results but it was too late. Then I said fuck it. I went to Google and looked up the urologist. I know his name and that he works in Halifax. I got the results I was looking for right away. His resume was impressive to someone like me who has done my own research on local infertility clinics. Dr. G works not only for the hospital but for Dalhousie University and is one of the main doctors on staff at the only fertility clinic in Nova Scotia. He has a long list of accomplishments in the field of urology and MFI. The reviews from his patients are high. He is a quiet man of few words. He is to the point and doesn’t get your hopes up, hes to the point and is honest about your chances.

So I found his office number. I picked up the cordless phone and proceeded to freak out. I knew what I wanted to ask: Did you get the samples and blood work from the hospital? Has he looked over the results? Does he want to see us? How long are we looking at for an appointment? But as I stared at the phone, my hands went clammy, I started getting the shakes and I was getting light headed. I went into a full on panic attack. I calmed myself down and made the call. The office was closed, I missed the secretary by a little over an hour.

But after the call, I sat there in silence, deep in thought for about an hour until the dog looked to go outside. Why had I worked myself into a complete panic just to bottom out into a depression. Why was I so worked up?

And then it came to me. I wanted this next step to happen so much that I didn’t really think past it. What happens if he wants to see us right away? What if we get up there and he tells us that the only way we can get pregnant is through expensive IVF that we cannot afford right now? What if he tells us that hubby’s sperm is no good and we will never get pregnant without the help of donor sperm? Hubby is very much against donor sperm right now. Then I start crying and the panic starts because what if I never get the chance to feel a baby grow in my belly? Yes I know that the end result is that we will have a baby one way or another. But I can’t help it, I’m selfish. I really want to experience the joy of a pregnancy.I want to feel a baby grow in me. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby move inside of me. Right now, that is almost as important to me as the end result. And maybe I’m a bitch for wanting that. Maybe it’s selfish and maybe you will all think that I am in this for the wrong reasons, but I can’t help how I feel. Right now, I feel like I will be missing out on a lot if I cannot experience the feel of a pregnancy. If I’m in functioning order, why do I have to potentially give that up? Why can’t my husband see these things from my perspective. It angers me because my husband was adopted. He knows that sperm or lack of sperm doesn’t make you a dad, its the love you give someone that makes you a dad. And its not one sided. We’ve discussed this and if it was me that was not working, I would happily used a donor egg just to make sure that I could experience a pregnancy of my own.

Chris and I have discussed this at length since we got our diagnosis. We are at odds about this but he doesn’t want to look at that til we have to, where I have even gone so far as suggesting we go talk to someone about this professionally.

I know I’ve wanted this for so long. I know I complain about it all the time. But right now, I’m scared. Really scared. Of the unknown. And I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry guys, its late and I just need to get this off of my chest before I fall asleep. I can’t sleep and I hope that by pouring this out somewhere will actually help me finally get to sleep.

A Relaxing Sunday

Posted on January 23, 2012 by imfluffyowl

The story of my life.

So today was a fairly good day. I got to sleep in, but for once, not too late. I watched some Full House and then I cleaned the apartment. By the time I finished cleaning the apartment, my pregnant friend came over to visit. Shes in school to be an Esthetician/nail tech so she stopped by to practice pedicures. So while sitting in my home, in my comfy chair, my friend gave me a professional pedicure for free. Pretty awesome, huh? She also knows that I’ve been in a bad place mentally because of the death announcements this week, our infertility and that I have a full blown case of the winter blahs. She wanted to cheer me up.

And while I didn’t have a huge discussion with her about my issues with the baby shower, I did bring it up lightly in conversation. This is the general idea of the conversation.

Topic turns to the baby shower.
Me: Hey, I haven’t talked to L yet (the other co-host), but I was hoping to have her do the talking and the running of the games while I work in the background in the kitchen. You know setting up the food trays, getting the tea and coffee ready.
A: That sounds good. You ok with that?
Me: Yeah, I’m more comfortable in the back anyway. It’s what I’m good at.
A: Yeah, that’s true.
Me: I just wanna know that you are ok with that, I still have to put it past L but I doubt she will have any problem with it and if she needs some help, I’ll just be in the kitchen and of course there is *other girl in group* and she will probably have no problem helping out with games and prizes.
A: Yeah, no prob. Are you ok with it being like that? I don’t want you to be back there doing that unless you really want to.
Me: Well I figure it would be easier for everyone, especially myself, just in case…
A: Definately, I can understand that. And I’m sure L will to. But if you want to do more than that, its completely up to you. Do what you can do, that’s all I ask.

*a grateful look comes from me and she gives me a smile and we moved on to other topics of conversation cause we haven’t seen each other since before Christmas*

So I really am chalking most of my previous issues with her and all of this just to pregnancy brain. I regularly suffer from infertility brain (symptoms include thinking the world is out to get you, everyone is against you, and that G-d hates you). I know the discussion isn’t over by a long shot, but the first step is out of the way and progress is progress. At least we all seem to be if not on the same page, then heading to the same page.

After she finished with my pedicure, I felt more relaxed. Like the stress of the past couple of months started to melt off of my shoulders for a bit. I thanked her and gave her a hug for my pedi, set up a plan with her to go over and give my mom a regular pedi (as a gift from me) and started putting a plan in motion to have a girls night with me, her and the 2 other girls in our little group. She left to pick up her daughter and I got supper on the go. I made chicken enchiladas which Chris and I devoured (so yummy!!). After that I got back to work on A’s baby blanket that I’m crocheting for her as her baby shower gift. Took a break from that to get caught up on Big Bang Theory and make chocolate chip squares and post an update. So all in all, it was a relaxing Sunday.

I sorta dread going back to work tomorrow.

January IComLeavWe

Posted on January 22, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Happy IComLeavWe! For those who know nothing about ICLW take a shot over here to learn all about the awesomeness. For those who don’t click on links, this was created by Mel at Stirrup Queens as a way to increase communication among bloggers. The last week of every month is ICLW and essentially we set a personal goal to leave 6 comments on 6 different blog posts and reply to one comment that was left on yours and you do this each day for 6 straight days. This promotes communication but also helps introduce you to other bloggers. I have found many new blogger friends thanks to the creation of Mel’s IComLeavWe.

So since I have been MIA for the past couple of weeks, I thought that I would also to an intro post of sorts for all the new readers and just play catch up.

So new readers, Welcome! My name is Kimberly, I’m 29 and married to my wonderful husband Chris, also 29. We were married on September 5th, 2009 in a nintendo themed wedding. I’m a geek and gamer and I married their king. We have been together almost 9 years. We have 3 kitties (our furbabies) Abigail, Squirt and Crookshanks (yes, that is a Harry Potter reference). We live on the east coast of Canada in Nova Scotia. I work for my father as his office manager. Before that I worked for a horse track for 7 years, most of that as a bookie. Yeah, I’m classy. Hubby and I love board games and video games. We are homebodies who think a good night out means board games with friend while we have a couple of beers. I love to read and craft. My predominant crafting projects are usually cross stitching and crocheting but I dabble just about any craft I can get my hands on. I just got my first sewing machine for Christmas and I’m now teaching myself how to use that. I love to bake, and I bake often. My end goal is to eventually share some of my favorite recipes on here. I have an unhealthy obsession with How I Met Your Mother. I love Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. I admit that I am a Twilight whore and it’s my guilty pleasure. I loved the show Supernatural until the end of season 5. I’d be lost without my iPhone. I hate winter and I hate the cold. I believe that snow is pretty til you have to actually be in it. I am clumsy and have accepted it.

Chris and I have been trying to get pregnant for just under 3 years. We live in an area that still seems to consider infertility to be a taboo subject, even amongst some doctors. We were told to try getting pregnant on our own for 1 year before anyone would do any tests. After a year of trying we went to our doctors and they have been dragging their feet since. We have been diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility and are currently waiting to hear back from the urologist. We originally had hubby’s doctor send the referral to the urologist a little over a year ago. We found out after finally losing it on his doctor that she sent it to the wrong urologist twice. We only have one urologist in the area that specializes in MFI and before the referral reached his desk, it was sent to two different urologists who specialize in cancer related issues. At this moment, we have filled all the requirements that the doctor wanted us to fill prior to an actual visit with him (blood work to check horomones levels and 2 semen samples) that was almost 2 months ago and we are still waiting to hear back. It’s frustrating because it seems that even other infertiles have gotten through these steps in weeks rather than years. It’s frustrating that we have no control over any of this. That this is all in the hands of doctors who are too overworked and don’t have the time for us. My blog is mostly about our infertility and the frustrations with it, but I also post about everything else I have listed here.

And now back to your regularly scheduled blogging:

So over the past 2 weeks, I have been seriously neglecting all my internet fun. And my phone. And my crafts. I’d love to say that its for a good reason, or even a half decent reason, but its not. Though I am getting to spend time cuddled up with my husband…it really isn’t that productive beyond that.

The reason for my absence?

I’ve been watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood with my husband. Now I’m not a anime geek, nor do I think differently of anyone who is. But generally, I tend to not enjoy anime. The extent of my anime love was enjoying Sailor Moon for a bit as a pre-teen (which I grew out of) and Avatar: The Last Air Bender, which I only watched after Chris made me a deal where if I watch Avatar, he will watch 3 chick flicks of my choosing with no complaints (he bickered me down from 5 to 3 chick flicks). Sure I ended up loving that show, but I had to be forced and bribed to sit down and watch it. Much like Fullmetal Alchemist. And I gotta say, the show was amazing. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. We watched all 64 episodes over the course of 6 days. That’s on top of me working and making supper. Friends started texting me to see if I was still alive.

Yesterday, after we finished FMA, I was at work when I got a call from one of my best friends (and former co-worker) called to tell me that one of our customers passed away. It was an incredible shock to me. This is the second death of a former customer in 2 weeks. I even made reference to him in that post about the death of Linda. The entire staff of the horse track is in shock. He was a favorite to many of the girls. He was loud and sometimes annoying but he always looked out for us. People could pick at us in fun but if someone upset us, you feared the wrath of Walter and he would point it out in front of everyone. I have been on both his good and bad side, So it was very shocking to hear of his passing. A few days ago, the same girl told me that he was in the hospital with pneumonia. I told her to keep me updated and assumed he would be back on his feet in no time. Only to get a call yesterday telling me he passed away because he got pneumonia in both lungs and it killed him.I still feel a bit numb. The words are simply not making sense. I tell myself, “Walter is dead” but I can’t seem to process it. But I’m not the only one. I know it sounds funny to be shocked and to shed tears over a customer, but he was a regular customer for the entire 7 years that I worked there. They all had their problems but over the years we learned as much about them as they did about us. Rest In Peace, Walter. Know that the girls who always gave you a hard time are truly speechless about your death.

Otherwise, my life has been pretty calm. It’s been pretty boring. I’ve been in a depression since I got AF. I was due to start on December 30th and ended up being exactly 2 weeks late. I tried to be realistic but I still had my hopes up a bit and when AF showed up, I just bottomed out emotionally. I have been dealing with the fallout of that. It’s exhausting to watch your friends, both online and in real life, get pregnant. Its hard to watch them complain about their pregnancies. Its hard to watch them complain about pains and headaches and inconveniences because of their pregnancies. It’s hard to watch or read about new moms complaining about lack of sleep or lack of social life or time to do anything. Or being slammed with pictures of their child all the time. Especially when I would do absolutely anything to be in their shoes. I hurt because we can’t seem to get what they have. I hurt because we are in the hands of doctors that just won’t call us back. I keep avoiding hanging out with my pregnant friend because I’m scared that I’m gonna blow up at her the second she complains about her pregnancy or wants to do nothing but talk about her baby shower. Its the winter blahs, coupled with infertility depression, coupled with the shock of death. Emotionally, I’m not in a stable place right now. I want to feel better, I want to be happy. I want this to not bug me so much. I wanna smile and mean it. But I just can’t seem to get myself to that place.

Can we have summer now? Please?

International Blog Delurking Week

Posted on January 12, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Did you know that this week is International Blog Delurking Week?

Mel over at Stirrup Queens is always pushing communication and interaction between bloggers. While her area of “expertise” is in the ALI community, her end goal is just more interaction and open support between anyone and everyone that blogs.

The goal of IBDW is to stop by and say hello. Its an open invitation to anyone who reads this blog to come out of hiding and say “Hi, I’m here and I’m reading”. Because at the end of the day the difference between the stats and the comments are drastic in numbers. Some don’t want you to know that they are reading, others are too shy to comment. Some don’t feel that they have the open connection to speak up and say hi. “I don’t know them enough”, “I haven’t been reading long enough” or “Why would they care what I have to say?” are excuses I used for a long time before I got comfortable delurking myself. It took me a long time to learn how to open up and de-lurk myself to many bloggers that I loved to read. But since that first time I came out and said hi, each time is easier.

So today, and for the rest of this week, I welcome all readers of my blog, whether you blog or not, to stop by and say hi. You don’t need to write anything meaningful or special, just a hi, I’m here and I’m reading. And if you are feeling particularly gutsy, tell me about yourself (or whatever you feel comfortable telling me about yourself). Share with me your favorite recipe (please? Cause that would be AWESOME! seriously!), or a funny story, or suggest a new book/movie/tv show for me to check out! (Yes please!! I’m rewatching How I Met Your Mother for like the 7th time so far) I love new suggestions!

If you would like to learn info about International Blog Delurking Week, stop by Mel’s blog and say hi!

A Shocking Goodbye

Posted on January 11, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Prior to working for my dad full time, I worked at a horse track for seven years. It was, for the most part, a wonderful seven years. The regular ups and downs of any job, but at the end of my day, I still smiled and laughed and occasionally enjoyed myself at work. I got to work with my friends. Four of my six bridesmaids either have worked or still work there. My wedding was a scheduling nightmare for work. The track, the staff and the people there made an impact on my life. Both good and bad. Only near the end did it really get uncomfortable and I was just glad when the final shoe fell and I left.

During my seven years I worked mostly as a seller and then moved into the office. But during those years I have had two different groups of people that I waited on as a bookie: the simulcast crowd and the live crowd. A quick breakdown of betting at a horse track: Simulcast racing is multiple tracks on TV’s live via satellite. Live racing is the track you are working for is hosting the races and the horses are running around the track outside of the building you are in. And while there is a lot of cross over in the customers you see there, they basically split into two groups: the local horsemen and women and local horse racing fans who enjoy watching local horse people race horses they know and enjoy the live experience while they throw some money down on their favorites. Then you have simulcast. These people love to bet. They watch and read the odds, they study drivers, jockeys, horses, and stats and are there to make money. Sometimes they are there to watch a local horse or driver/owner race in the big leagues. But the main difference at simulcast is the betting. Each group had its good people and bad people. You had your snotty people, your bitchy people, the people trying to short you money, the people pissed at the world and taking it out on you. The slowpokes, the ‘this is my first time’-ers. You have your heavy tippers, the people jumping for joy on a 2 dollar profit, the losers, the people who can’t afford to bet but do it anyway and then suffer from guilt when they lose. Then there are the minimum betters, the big spenders, the confused people, the ‘I said it one way, agreed when you confirmed, and then bitch that you got it wrong after the race went’ people and even the ‘I’m just happy to be here and enjoy the experience’ people (I liked them, they were rare).

Over the years, you notice things. Like, for instance, you will always have the same 30-40 people at simulcast all year. You learn their bets, betting style, and sometimes you have their tickets printed off before they even make it to the machine. It’s mostly made up of older men who have been betting most of their lives. You know their moods, their family by the voices on the phone and you know how many days are left til lobster season is open by how irritating Walter is. You know Crunch’s laugh and you hear him before you see him. You hear Gerald’s nasally, bitchy voice before you see him and you cringe. You know you can read a chapter of your book while you wait for Donnie to pick his tickets. Al is quiet but when he wins, he always tips. Not all of them are bad. Some come with fun banter. Billy M always knows whats going on with the Screaming Eagles and always toes that line in the sand between flirty comments and oh no you didn’t! Billy W is shy and you can tell when he likes one of the girls. Manzy can get the entire room in an uproar in record time and you can hear him snickering in the background as soon as you show your frustration. Chedda bets the favorite and complains when it pays nothing. And Jesse is a old man stuck in a 20 year old’s body. Some you can tell off and they give it back til you are both laughing. You can offer to cut someone off for a bit to help them out and know that they are not offended but are grateful for the offer. I’ve dealt with some assholes, I’ve had nasty words with many. I’ve cut people off, sent them home, had them kicked out and reported them for verbal abuse. I’ve had to give some warnings. But I’ve also had people congratulate me on my marriage and ask how I was doing and offer me a smile on a bad day. After I left, I ran into one customer and his wife (who always sent us homemade fudge) and they both gave me a big hug and congratulated me on my new job. I’ve been given baked goods and brought treats and coffee just because.We know them all because to most, this is their life. Each of us have our favorites and our most hated customers. And the customers have their favorites and least favorites too.

So you got to know your customers. And when they were out sick, you worried and asked others how they were doing. When Crunch was diagnosed with cancer, I asked about him every chance I got. When he died, I cried. Even now that I’m not working there, I always ask my friends who still work there how some of my favorite customers are doing. Always send my best or a hug. And my friends keep me informed. So today was a sad day when one of my friends messaged me to tell me that one of our regulars, Linda, passed away on Sunday. Linda was one of my favorites. One of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, never had a complaint. Always a smile on her face, even through her bout with cancer. Shes from a horse racing family so we always seen her at live but she would occasionally stop by simulcast when one of the local drivers or horses were racing.When I worked in New Waterford and it was a slow night and she would be there, I would go and sit with her and just share stories back and forth. Stories about my father when he was younger. Stories about her horses or her families horses. Sometimes just sitting and enjoying the races. She had trouble walking so I would get her bet from her at the table and then go print it off and bring it back to her. And the gratefulness in her voice when she said thank you for such a small thing just blew your mind. She was soft spoken and never wanted to be a burden. The last time I seen her was the last live racing card that I worked. She was too weak to get out of the van so I went over to give her a hug and just say hi and catch up. She knew my family, especially my father, and always asked how he was.

Her death shocked me. Shocked the friend that told me. Shocked the friends that I was visiting with tonight. I knew she was battling cancer last year but she was so optimistic. Even in her weakened state and walking with a cane, she just had faith that she would get through it. That it was simply a minor inconvenience and that she would soon be on the mend. So hearing that she didn’t just breaks me apart. My heart broke today over her death. The world has lost an amazingly kind and gentle soul. Her kindness always served as a reminder to me that there are truly kind and gentle people out there still amongst the hateful and hurtful people. Thank you Linda, for that constant reminder.

I ask that you all take a moment, for me, for my friends and especially for the family that lost her, and say a prayer for this amazing woman. Please pray that her soul may find peace.

Goodbye Linda. You were a wonderfully kind woman and I hope you find peace.
Rest now.

Getting Back On My Feet

Posted on January 10, 2012 by imfluffyowl

To my local friends and internet friends who don’t want to read about the inner workings of my body, this is your only TMI warning. I shall be talking about “girlie related body stuff” (as my husband calls it). Read at your own discretion. But if you are gonna read, your thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated!

So I have been missing from the internet for a bit. All is well but I am coming down from the “Monster Head Cold From Hell”. Went to bed Wednesday night fine, woke up Thursday morning unable to breath and sick as a dog. Pushed through Thursday and Friday at work, left work early on Friday. Once I got home on Friday, I got into my pyjamas and just rotated through my pjs til this afternoon.

Prior to that, I was dealing with a toothache and taking antibiotics for an infection near the tooth. The antibiotics didn’t agree with me and triggered a nasty yeast infection so I stopped the antibiotics and took a treatment for the YI. Thankfully my tooth is now filled instead of pulled and my yeast infection has cleared up after a couple of days and I’m starting to get back on track. My body has clearly hated me over the last month. Then add to that AF (aunt flo) was due to start on December 30th and has yet to start. If you are counting, that is 11 days since my period was due to start. I have tested twice during the 11 days, both BFN (big fat negative), once on day 7 and again this morning. I know I’ve had a stressful Christmas but I’ve never flat out missed a period like this. Last Christmas was equally stressful and I was a week late, due to start on the 25th and I didn’t start til January 1st (while at work with Crystal). But we are now mid way through the 2nd week and still nothing. No signs of it either. And honestly, that is the longest my period has ever gone without showing its ugly face. I’m regular, always have been. I track my period as well and if my chart says I’m gonna start, I start within a 12 hour time frame of when it says I’m gonna start.

I talked to Chris about it, and neither one of us are getting our hopes up. I haven’t showed a single symptom for AF and my symptoms are always the same. I’m always regular. I’ve had zero cramping. But I did have a yeast infection (which I have read doesn’t affect AF or your cycle), we moved, I had a less than stellar Christmas (once things settled down before Christmas, it was just us on the go non stop) but still nothing was so bad that it was worse than last year. So I don’t know what to think or do. If I haven’t started by this time next week, I’ll call my doctor and tell him whats going on. They will probably send me for tests just to make sure and if not, then my results from the ultrasound should be there and they can tell me if there was anything on that.

I just don’t want to get my hopes up because when they get shattered (and they always do), I’m left a complete mess. I go into a deep depression and just cry a lot. So we are taking it day by day. I’m still under the assumption that I’m just late. That Christmas kicked my ass and I’m just late. I’m trying to go into this with a level head. Here’s hoping…To all my ALI girls reading, thoughts?

Getting Back To Normal

Posted on January 2, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Growing up, I hated the time right after Christmas. I hated the start of the new year. But always for obvious reasons. I hated to see the end of the holiday. I hated to have to get back into a sleep schedule and go back to class. I hated getting back into a normal routine. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays as long as I could and just step out of the regular, the normal, as long as I could. New years meant that we were simply one day closer.

Now, as an adult, I find myself taking joy from the opposite. While in the holiday rush, I find myself looking forward to the end of the holidays. I take great joy out of the holidays, don’t get me wrong. I love the fun, the gifts, the decorations, the Christmas carols. I love the big turkey suppers, the turkey comas and all the baked goods. I love the family visits with people I might only see randomly a couple of times during the year. But when we hit January 1st, I’m relieved for the break. Even though we had a quiet holiday season, we really didn’t. We didn’t stop. We were always on the go, we ate a lot of take-out because we didn’t have time to make a meal. There was gift wrapping, finishing gifts and on top of the normal holiday stuff, we also moved. We unpacked so I could get the tree and some decorations up. I’m still organizing the apartment. And when I wasn’t doing that, I was at mom’s doing her baking, exhausting myself and passing out as soon as I went to bed. I took my grandmother shopping. I went shopping with dad. I spent way too much money.

So now, I get to breath again. After a half decent sleep, I got up today and put myself to work. I defrosted steaks. I took down our Christmas decorations and packed them in my car to go to my mother’s for storage. I cleaned up the apartment. I made a nice supper for me and Chris. I washed the dishes. My cousin stopped by for a visit and the three of us played video games. Then I made myself a cup of tea, put on some chick flicks, and set up my new sewing machine. I claimed a night for myself and just did whatever came to mind.

This is the first night that I have been able to just enjoy my evening since late November. Our apartment is finding normal again. And its wonderful. I hope this feeling can carry me through the winter blahs. Because I could get used to this.

I hope everyone else enjoys the transition back to normal.

2011, A Year That Simply Was…

Posted on January 1, 2012 by imfluffyowl

My favorite Christmas pic- Mom & Aunt Paula

Happy New Year to all of my blogger friends and readers out there! I hope 2012 brings you wonderful blessings. To those in search of a baby, I hope you finally get that joy. That being said, 2011 has been a year of ups and downs for me. No major highs, a lot of low times emotionally, but at the end of the day/year, there was nothing that strongly stood out and the bad of the year easily evened out the good that happened. It was a year that simply was. I existed this year. I made it through and that’s about all I can say about 2011.

Early in the year, a new manager was named and started at my former job and she hated me. She kept me around long enough to learn everything she needed off of me and then called me very early one morning to get rid of me. She couldn’t legally fire me so she told me there was no work available for me and to not bother coming in anymore. She told me that there were no hours for me, even as a seller (regardless of my seniority over almost all of the current staff). Then one seller comes home from away and she gets put back on payroll right away. I hold no ill will to any of the staff, they had nothing to do with this, I am simply stating facts against her “reasoning’s” for letting me go. She hated me and wanted me gone. And I gave her an earful when I left. Apparently she told others that I scared her. And there is nothing wrong with instilling a strong sense of fear in people like her. The up part? Two days later, I started on payroll with my father and I’m making more than the boss that fired me. Suck it, bitch.

My grandfather’s health is steadily going downhill. Doctors told us he wouldn’t make it to spring 2011 but he’s still with us. He is now on oxygen all day, his lungs are a mess and the doctors told us that he will be like this until hes not. He will be at this stage until he dies. He will most likely go to sleep one night and not wake up. The wonderful up part is that hes still here with us and were making the best of the time we have left with him, but hes on borrowed time. I just don’t want him to suffer. Dad spent the end part of 2011 getting my grandparents affairs in order, right down to paying for their funeral arrangements. We are prepared for what will happen sooner rather than later. I will cherish every moment that I have left with him, but I just don’t know how we will deal with it when it does happen. It will be a very sad and empty world when that wonderful man makes his exit.

Me and Dad with Paula during our visit on Christmas Eve.

Chris and I celebrated 8 years together and 2 years of marriage this year. Our relationship is still strong but his panic attacks and our infertility have taken their toll on us this year. The summer was a complete write off. Chris’s meds stopped working, he had to transition into new meds and emotionally, he was a bottomless pit of no emotion and panic attacks. I spent most of my summer going back and forth to the hospital. This spring, we also found out that hubby has MFI (male factor infertility). We spent the better part of the year fighting to get our referrals to the right doctors. We’re still waiting for the doctors to get back to us with the results of the 2 semen samples and blood work. As of December 31st, we still haven’t heard back from the urologist.

Other than Chris’s diagnosis, its been a hard year emotionally for me with infertility. I’ve watched so many people around me who got married after us get pregnant before us, or people lapping us for the second time announce pregnancies and its just killing me a little bit everyday. I have so much difficulty moving past it that I’ve considered trying to find someone to talk to professionally to help me sort out my feelings over it. And now I’m trying to find my footing with dealing with one of my best friends being pregnant and her really unloading everything pregnancy related on my lap. I’m co-hosting a shower for her but I still don’t know if I can do this. I’m still trying to sort out my feelings about her pregnancy. I don’t want these feelings and I think thats what a lot of people have trouble understanding. I want to be the wonderfully supportive friend. But its hard. Everything is a reminder of our failures as a couple. Of our failures to others (our parents) who we feel are letting down. It’s so all consuming and its exhausting.

We also moved to another apartment and this will be our last move before we move into the house. We should be in the house in the next year and a half because my parents will be finishing off the purchase of the land in early January. Then when the land thaws, they can start the build of their new place. The last apartment was hellish and we were freezing to death due to a cheap and sleazy landlord. But our new place is wonderful.

Christmas was relatively quiet. After having a major fight with my parents over our infertility, the only other run in with anyone talking about my reproductive system was on boxing day where my mother and mother in law talked at length about mine and my husbands reproductive systems. All while we were letting our turkey dinner set and digest. We didn’t have my brother home and we really missed him and he missed us. We spent most of our time visiting family.

Chris opening the gift from my parents.

But I am turning over a new leaf for the new year. I want to be able to control my emotions more. I want to be the better person. I want infertility to not affect every aspect of my life anymore. I want a pregnancy. I want a baby. I want to be happy again. I may “want” a lot. But its all stuff that I have to work on. 2012 will be my year. It has to get better. I know it will. I just need to fight for it, take a stand and say that I’m worth it, this is worth it.

2012, do we have a deal?

Love and hugs and support to all those looking for a better new year. I’m ending this here. I plan on getting a head start on 2012 and enjoy my quiet new years eve in with my parents, hubby and some friends while we play board games.

Happy New Years to anyone who stumbles across this blog and reads these words.

Love and Hugs,

Kimberly