Can Your Spouse Truly Be Your Best Friend?

Posted on February 28, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Redbook magazine posted a link on twitter to one of their stories looking for feedback. The article was about who takes the leadership role in your relationship. The article was interesting, set to grab your attention and make you take a stance. And I do have a stance. A rather vocal one at that. But while reading the article and forming my own opinion, it also brought up another question that raises just as many thoughts and that is simply, can your spouse truly be your best friend?

So I’ll break this down for you. The article summed up is written by the author after she went to a church meeting with a speaker. The speaker’s point of view on marriage is that the woman should always be submissive to their husband because that’s what the bible tells us. The author strongly disagrees with the speakers point of view and she weighs whether one spouse should hold the role of leader vs. having an equal partnership and making decisions together.

“Call me idealistic or young and naïve, but my ideal situation with my man would be an equal one, where if an issue arises, we solve it together. And if there’s a decision that needs to be made, we’ll weigh the pros and cons, and then make the decision together. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, whatever happened to “equal partnerships” and making decisions together—without someone having a slightly higher status or? Is that even possible? Are romantic relationships ever truly equal?”

While I see her positive outlook and understand it, I also don’t agree with it. (Bare with me, I’ll get to my point and explain it in detail.) My issue is that ideally, while in a perfect marriage in a perfect situation this would work. But none of us are in a perfect marriage. None of us are in the perfect situation. All of us walk into our marriage with issues (small or big, we all have them). And of course there are outside factors. Are you living with a parent/taking care of an elderly parent? Do you have a high enough paying job to live comfortably? Do you have bills that you worry about? Did your car break down the other day on the way to work and you suddenly need a lot of money you don’t have to fix it? Did one of you lose your job due to no fault of your own? You see where I’m going with this, right? No matter what, our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect and honestly there is no “perfect”.

But while we don’t have the elusive “perfect” life, we all do our best to make our marriage run as smoothly as possible. Saying that, most couples have found their way in their relationship, they have found the way that makes it all work for them. It’s not perfect, it has many flaws, but at the end of the day, the good mostly outweighs the bad. They have a system that works for them. Maybe you aim to have the best equal partnership that you both can manage. Some people are great at working together on everything to make it all happen. Others, not so much. So for the sake of this argument (discussion?), I will use my own marriage as an example:

Chris and I will be together 9 years on May 31st of this year. We will be married 3 years on September 5th of this year. We were engaged for two of those years. We have lived together for almost 5 of those 9 years. We are a fairly easy going couple and the bulk of our fighting has emerged with the stress of infertility. We fight like any couple but usually its a bit of bickering and we move on. Or aim is to be equals in the marriage. And for the most part, we can be. But we have learned that by being equal in the partnership, we have not come to that by me being completely submissive to him, or him be completely submissive to me, or even us sitting down and talking about everything together and coming to a decision as a couple. We have found our stride is making sure that all big decisions (buying a house or car, deciding to have kids, seek help for our infertility…) we make as a couple. We weigh the pros and cons and make the most informed decision we can. But in doing that, we have also learned to let each other be the “leader” where their strengths clearly are far more superior to our own. We don’t buy groceries together, he has no say, its all me. Again with the kitchen, all me. Where he clearly leads, he takes the lead. Organizing our bills, paying the bills and setting up a budget are his strong points.

You are probably agreeing with some of this and saying, sure Kim, that’s normal. We all do this. But I also would ask to take the discussion just a bit farther. We do not just have our strong points where we become leaders, but we also have periods of time where one is clearly the leader over the other. For instance, my husband is recovering from a bad break in his ankle, that required surgery. Since he hurt himself, I have clearly stepped into the leader role. I take care of everything. I am the breadwinner in the family right now and I am caring for him, therefore I am in the leader role. I don’t really want to, but I am. This also happened with my mother when my father took his heart attack 7 years ago and required a triple bypass surgery, followed by an emergency corrective surgery and a lung surgery just 3 months later. And last summer, I was also the leader while my husbands anxiety disorder got out of whack and his meds needed to be changed and adjusted. If I had relied on him, we would have been lost. But during other times like when we got our infertility diagnosis or I lost my job and felt hopeless, he took over the leader role. We simply transition in and out of the roles as we need to. And sometimes, you need a leader instead of a collective partnership when it comes to decisions.

So that’s where I disagree with both the speaker at the church and the author of the article. I think for a marriage to really work, its a lot of give and take. But, it’s also a lot of switching roles as necessary in order to keep things running smoothly. Things can’t always be resolved as an equal partnership. Sometimes, I think, you need one person to take the reigns and make the decisions on behalf of the two. I think some form of leadership is necessary, but not in a submissive way. What are your thoughts on the article and my interpretation of the article?

But while collecting my thoughts for the response to the article, it brought me to another thought. Many people who claim to use an equal partnership role for everything tend to always state in their response, “well my spouse is my best friend! We don’t make any decision without consulting the other for their opinion first!” (as a side note, I have no scientific proof to back this up, just my experiences alone) And sure my first thought on that is on the sarcastic side and I tend to come back with, “well, do you ask your husband for an opinion on what book you are going to read next, or what webpage you are gonna visit next? What about supper? Do you always ask your husband’s input on what to make before you actually start supper?” And sure, maybe some people do that. But I don’t. But what grabs me immediately is usually the statement of “my spouse is my best friend”. And here’s my thing, I don’t consider my husband to be my best friend. And I never have.

I have not once labelled my husband as my best friend and my husband does not consider me his best friend either. I have best friends, as does my husband. But we do not play that role for each other. My husband is many things in my world without being my best friend. He’s my spouse, my lover, someone who helps me make decisions, someone who makes me happy, someone who I love with all my heart. We have a very tender and loving relationship. But we are not best friends. My best friends are people who simply play a different role in my life. I know in some cases where your spouse has been your best friend as a child and grew into more, but for many you meet your husband later in your life. Friends are the people that play a specific role in your life. Generally, they are the ones that have been there through a growing period in our life. They are helpful and caring and loving. We are close and love each other for who they are but that love is so different from the love that I share with my husband. But with Chris, he just doesn’t fit that title. My husband is so much more than a friend. I wouldn’t even go so far as to label him my soul mate either (mostly because I don’t believe in soul mates), but he is important to me (so very important to me) in a way that bears no comparison to my friends. It’s like comparing apples and oranges, cats and dogs or black and white. Sure they have a common factor but they fill such completely different roles that they simply cannot be put into the same category. Now, as I finish off this post, I feel the need to point out that I don’t think my way of thinking is right or wrong, just my thoughts. To each their own. But that leads me to ask: Do you refer to your spouse as your best friend? If so, why/why not? Do your thoughts differ from mine? Please share your thoughts in the comments, I welcome any discussion as I’m curious as to what you think about it as well.

Frivilous Friday: Bits & Pieces

Posted on February 25, 2012 by imfluffyowl

I haven’t gone to bed yet, so I still consider this Friday. And some of my favorite bloggers that I love to read like to use their Friday posts to be infertility free and post something off topic. For instance, The Cornfed Feminist made a hilarious post about pooping etiquette at the work place. I love this woman, her posts are filled with sarcasm, irony, and humor. I’d like to take a page from her book and have a fun post for today.

So for those not in the know, I’m 29. My birthday is in December so I’m about 10 months away from a milestone. The Big 3-0. Many, like Chris, seem to think that turning the big 30 is the beginning of the end of your life. I do not share this idea. I have always enjoyed my birthday. I have openly embraced my age and the idea of getting older. I love celebrating my birthday with friends. So I’m happily counting down to my big birthday and have already made it clear to Chris, my parents and friends that I want a big celebration for my 30th. Now, whether that happens or not, remains to be seen.

But first, we have to get through hubby’s 30th at the end of next month. Which he is actively trying to deny is even happening, let alone letting me do something to celebrate it. I want to make him a lego cake and have a small get together with friends and family but I really don’t know if that is going to happen or not.

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Speaking of birthdays, this weekend marks a busy weekend for birthdays. Chris’s father turns 60 on Sunday and we are having supper at the parents and I am making FiL a homemade cake with homemade icing as requested. He doesn’t want gifts or a party. He wants supper and a cake made by me. We will also be celebrating the birthday of one of our friends. His wife had originally booked two sheets of ice at the local curling club for us to all play curling dressed as our favorite superheroes for his super hero party (hes gonna be 33…yeah, we’re awesome like that). But today she got a call from the curling club saying that they had to cancel the party due to emergency ice matenance this weekend. We were all really looking forward to trying curling for the first time. I was so caught up in the excitement of finally getting to try the sport, that I watched one of my favorite movies Men With Brooms. For those that have never seen the movie, its more or less the most Canadian movie you will ever watch. Plus Paul Gross…yummm. Great Canadian music, Paul Gross, Leslie Nielsen, a cameo appearance from the forever awesome The Tragically Hip and for those who would be interested…one of the characters in the movie struggles with MFI. The infertility story isn’t really all that accurate, but it still shows it. This movie is one of my favorites for a reason. I think that everyone should watch it.

But now, instead of a curling party, its being moved to a house party to watch the latest UFC fight tomorrow. I really hope to one day learn how to curl. It’s one sport I truly enjoy watching.

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Chris’s ankle is healing wonderfully. He is now allowed to start putting weight on it again. Hes gradually working his way up to walking on it again. He’s still pretty dependent on me but hes starting to help himself more too. Which is a blessing for me.

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Mom and Dad finalized the purchase on the family lot of land they bought from my great aunt and uncle. They paid for it this morning, so it is now theirs. Just over an acre of land on the outskirts of town. Dad has been in touch with a land surveyor and he is scheduled to go out in the next week or so to survey the land and then they plan to dig the well and have the septic system put in as soon as the ground defrosts in the spring. What does this mean?

Well, for those who don’t know, my parents are building a new home and we will be taking over the family home as soon as they have completed building their new home. My parents home was originally my fathers home as a child and was passed down to him by his parents and now my dad wants to pass it down to us. My grandparents and my parents are very happy that we are going to take over the home, and honestly, we won’t have to break the bank to become home owners and we will either simply move to a rent to own or take over the remainder of the mortgage on the house and just transfer the mortgage into our name. The house is 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, basement and garage with paved driveway. The kitchen was recently remodeled and its more or less my dream kitchen. So we are very much looking forward to my parents finishing the new house. Hopefully by this time next year, we will be moved into the house. *fingers crossed*

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While watching the preview for Men With Brooms, I realized that I’m missing some very important music from my iPhone.

Note to Self: Download and load up your phone with The Tragically Hip, Sarah McLachlan, Incubus and the entire soundtrack from Men With Brooms.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Fraternity Of Infertility

Posted on February 23, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Over the past couple of days, the infertility blogging community has been hit with the news of a loss. I don’t know why this particular loss is affecting the community at large so deeply, but it affects us nonetheless. I myself, have shed tears and prayed for the woman, her husband and the baby that they lost even though I do not know them and have only been a lurker at best.

Mo has been a prominent member of the ALI community for years. While I am new to the community, I am aware of Mo and her story. I have blogs on my reader that I read daily who are very close to her. I respect her like I respect everyone else in this community. But I don’t know her. By the time I stumbled across her blog via comments on other blogs, she had already announced her pregnancy. We were clearly at different stages in our battle so we clearly didn’t fall into each others social circles. Because even though the ALI community deals with infertility, there are many different faucets (male factor, female factor, unexplained) and in each of those factors there are sub-categories (sperm count, motility, PCOS, endo, secondary infertility, pregnancy after infertility) but are still important parts of the process. And with that, you fall into categories, which then lets you connect to others in the same categories. It’s a big world of infertility. But yet, the news of her loss has left me shaken and heartbroken for her and her family. I have encouraged prayers and well wishes, chants, good vibes and even asked family and friends outside of the community to pray for them.

But her pain and suffering and the reaction from the ALI community as a whole has left me amazed and filled with questions. Why does one person’s loss mean so much to me (and everyone really) when I barely know the woman who’s suffering? And the only real explaination I can find is that, we as a whole in the ALI community, are all interconnected. We are like a fraternity. We didn’t plan to pledge to this group but when we needed it, it was there and no matter what stage you are at, this is always a part of us. This is something we can never let go of or forget. This becomes a part of our lives. It has imprinted on us and it is something we always carry with us. No matter where our lives go, no matter how long we live our life away from this, we were and we will always be connected via infertility, much like fraternities. It’s something shared that few others will know until they experience it. Other people like me, who understand, who have walked my path already or are about to walk my path. And when I finally found the courage to stand up and announce myself, I was welcomed immediately with a smile. And we became sisters in this fight. We all hate that we are here, but we hold each other’s hands during the fight. We are an emotional group filled with drama and highly medicated emotions at time, but we understand the trials and tribulations more than anyone else in our real life. Hubby and I were diagnosed with MFI, but by finding this group of amazing people, I knew it was a diagnosis we did not have to carry alone. I have found information, support and people to vent and cry to without worry of judgement. I have found people who just “get it”. I have people who will check in on me if I am not around for a bit. I have found people who make me laugh about our diagnosis. I have found women whose goal is to create a system to help us find others in our journey and promote communication amongst each other. We are there for each other through the highest highs and the lowest lows.

So when someone who has been a name in the community since my joining and prior, someone you recognized as a name in the community when you first found the courage to introduce yourself and they feel pain and heartbreaking loss, you join them in their pain. You try to take on some of the pain in hopes that it eases the pain for the person who suffers. Since joining this community in August, this is my first real glimpse of the community pulling together to support one of their own. I was amazed at how easily I felt welcomed in the community at first. Then I was amazed by the organization put together by people in the community to make us an wonderfully well organized unit. People who help us celebrate who we are as people, bloggers, and the fact that we are strong in the face of this difficulty.Then I was amazed by how wonderful it was to not only receive, but to give to others. Now I am watching as the community as a whole tries to ease the pain of one of our own who is faced with a nightmare none of us wish to face.

So while I am grateful for this community, I am also getting my first glimpse at the love that we possess as a whole in the ALI community. At times we are difficult, emotional and sometimes we segregrate ourselves even from each other, but the past couple of days has brought us together as a whole for a cause. And that gives me hope. Lots of hope. I send all my love and support to Mo and Shmerson over their loss of Nadav during this terribly painful time. If you are a part of this wonderful community, please stop by her post and show your love and support because even if you don’t know her (like myself), I’m sure that support would be returned if you ever needed it. Because sadly, we all need a little extra love every once in awhile and sometimes that love comes from perfect strangers who are just part of the fight.

Sometimes Friends Do Douchebag Things

Posted on February 20, 2012 by imfluffyowl

As a warning, anyone of my friends who read this post, I guarantee it that it’s not about you. That being said, I just need to vent.

I am incredibly grateful for my friends, my husbands friends and our mutual friends. And honestly, thats how they break down. I have my girlfriends. I love them, cause quite frankly, they are crazy and awesome. Then we have Chris’s friends. And they are great too. Most of them are amazing. Many have proved how amazing they are since Chris broke his ankle. Then we have our mutual friends. Or as I usually call them, the men and their women. These are Chris’s friends and essentially their girlfriends/fiances/wives. The group of us hang out a lot. The girls easily get along, and we all tend to game together.

One of those couples actually told us about the place we are living in now and their apartment is actually downstairs. I worried at first because I thought we would get on each other’s nerves. But we seemed to find our footing. They come up to visit once or twice a week (moreso now because Chris can’t go anywhere right now). The problem we are coming to terms with is one of the other couples. The couple is nice, they have been very helpful, which makes it all so difficult to complain about them. But this couple hangs out regularly with both me and Chris and our friend couple downstairs. My issue is that they seem to have no limits. It’s almost overkill. More or less, out of a 7 day week, they call us all 7 days of the week asking what we are doing and if we want to get together. And if we don’t answer, they sometimes just show up.

The thing is, this couple doesn’t work as much as the rest of us. They have more free time on their hands. They don’t go to school and work part time. They still live with their parents so they don’t want to stay home. So they come to us. And it’s ok if it’s once or twice a week. It’s every freaking day. I came home from work twice this week to see them here, the girl cooking on my stove. He sometimes gets on my nerves because he is forever negative about everything, hates pets (we have 3 cats, and downstairs the couple has a cat and a 2 month old pug puppy), and only wants to do what he wants to do and just won’t participate if the choice of the group as a whole is different from his. They stay til late hours when I have work the next day too. It’s just exhausting. Plus there is the fact, that sometimes you just want to hang out with different people every once in awhile. You know, a mix up, try something new? But all it feels like is that we are the answer to their boredom.

And weather doesn’t seem to keep them away either. They travelled in the bad snowstorm that we were hit with yesterday. When at first, the plan was that everyone stay in from the storm and the downstairs couple comes up with the puppy and we play Settlers of Catan with us, just the 4 of us for once. But instead it turned into 8 people crammed into our living room playing a game that none of us played before and 3 of the men (mine included) bitched about the rules when no one knew them. It got to the point that me and downstairs girl were willing to dig my car out of the show drift, and risk driving the roads to go to the convenience store and Tim Hortons for a coffee run. Downstairs girl has been dealing with this a lot longer than me so she shares my frustration. But we just don’t know what to do.

And that leads to tonight. Another couple who we spend a lot of our time with is a married couple with 5 kids. They live about 20 minutes away and they have a hard time finding a sitter. So we don’t see them as often as we like. We go to them because its easier. But with Chris’s cast and the bad weather, travel is limited. So we made plans last week to get together tonight. We didn’t tell anyone, it was just going to be the 4 of us playing some games and catching up. I’m very, very close to the wife and hubby stood for Chris in our wedding. (I’ve mentioned them before as our mentor couple) So while I was shovelling outside in preperation of getting Chris to the car without him falling or fighting the snow, the annoying couple called. They asked what we were doing and asked if we wanted to get together. They were here yesterday for the better part of 8 hours but wanted to get together again. Chris told them that we had plans for a double date with our mentor couple tonight but give us a call tomorrow and maybe we can do something. That was at 5:30pm. By the time I was pulling the car up to the walkway to help Chris into the car, I got a text from mentor wife asking “Are you guys on your way because annoying couple and some quiet guy they brought along with them are already here.” We didn’t invite them. Mentor couple didn’t invite them. As soon as they got off the phone with Chris, they called up the mentor couple and asked if they could join us. And mentor couple, not knowing the situation, said sure.

So I got pissed. Chris got pissed. They went behind our backs after we told them that we had plans with someone else and invited themselves along. That, in my book, is a douchebag move. As soon as I landed, I asked mentor wife to join me on the front step for a smoke and she asked what was up. So I told her. Shes wonderful and won’t dare hurt anyones feelings so she wouldn’t say no. But she didn’t know. The board game could have ended around midnight, but annoying man is very competetive and dragged it out to well past 1:30am when 3 of us have work in the morning. After they left, we stuck around for a few minutes and just gossiped and caught up with mentor couple. Chris and I told them what happened and they laughed and agreed that that was a little underhanded. By the time we got home it was 3am. I told Chris that they next time that they make any calls like that, we are gonna lie and tell them that we are going to one of our parents houses for the evening.

Tonight just really bugged me. I feel that annoying couple have just taken it too far. I am thankful for their friendship. I am thankful for all the help that they have offered while Chris is recovering. But things just went into the weird area and I don’t really know how to deal with it. Part of me wants to talk to them and be honest, but I’m scared that I will express myself wrong, I’ll hurt feelings and do damage to the friendship. Ugh. So much confusion and conflicting thoughts and emotions….

*By the way, we do not refer to the couples as Downstairs Couple, Mentor Couple and Annoying Couple in real life. I just thought that it would be easier for me to not name names. This is a public blog and I don’t wish to make their names public without their knowledge.*

16:9 Report On Infertility In Canada

Posted on February 16, 2012 by imfluffyowl

A friend reminded me about a news show’s report on infertility in Canada. It’s a fascinating story. It covers the generals of infertility with the bulk of the show about male infertility. It even covered the “Win A Baby” contest that an Ottawa radio station hosted in attempts to promote awareness for infertility. The thing that I enjoyed about it? It’s 100% Canadian.

I’m born and raised in Canada. And while there is a wonderful resource in Resolve, its an American non-profit. While their articles are informative, nothing is available to us through them for support services or information on doctors. The Canadian resources on infertility help are there, but much more sparse and a lot less organzied as Resolve. So its nice for once to have a Canadian show, on a Canadian station, tackle a topic near and dear to my heart that I struggle with about Canadian couples and Canadian studies.

I learned a couple of things about infertility in Canada. First, in Ontario there is partial coverage for IVF but only if the woman has both of her fallopian tubes blocked. So if both your tubes are blocked in Ontario, they will cover part of the cost of treatments. But if you have any other problems with your lady parts that are preventing you from getting pregnant, they will not cover any of the costs of treatment. Second, Quebec is the only province in all of Canada that covers IVF. The province covers 3 rounds of IVF before you have to pay any of the costs associated with it. But you can’t just go to Quebec and get free treatments. You have to be a resident of Quebec and there is a waiting list. Third, do not trust the success rates reported by fertility clinics. In Canada, each privitized clinic only offer stats if they choose to. They are not required to follow a set standard for what stats they send in. So do not pick a clinic based on success rates posted. And finally, I learned that as a standard of living in public health care, we should be covered. Infertility is recognized as a disease, but yet, they still consider everything related to trying as optional or a lifestyle choice. We are being discriminated against. And to add to that, the government is actually wasting money by not covering it. The jist of it is: the more money that people have to spend on IVF and fertility treatments, the higher the risks they are willing to take, which leads to more births of multiples, which leads to more medical costs for high risk pregnancies and births and the longer medical care needed for twins who are more often than not, born early. If coverage for fertility treatments was unlimited, less risks would be taken, and IVF cycles would almost always be done with one embryo. This would drop the number of births of multiples (twins, triplets and more), which would cut down the costs for NICU’s, and prolonged hospitals stays post delivery for both baby/babies and mommy.

Another thing that was covered in the show was the controversy that was stemmed by an Ottawa radio station offering the “Win A Baby” contest. Like many in the blogging world, I was iffy about this contest at first, but after watching the coverage of it, I was actually impressed with both the station and what they did. The posters may have been misleading, but for a topic like infertility, you simply can’t grab people with facts. Honestly it bores the fertile people of the world. So they got people to do the double take, but when you looked into it, you realized the real meaning behind it. The stations goal was to make a bold statement to get attention, just to have people look into it to realize that the station was trying to raise awareness about infertility. The prize was $35 thousand dollars in fertility treatments which equals to 3 rounds of IVF covered by the station. The best part? The 5 couples that made it to the end for the vote? Instead of the station picking just one of the 5 couples, they told them as a group that they were all winners. Each of the 5 couples got the chance for 3 rounds of IVF at no cost to them. This show actually showed them announcing the winners. And it was a tearful moment. I bawled my eyes out as 5 couples simultaneously broke down into tears at the gift they were given. Click here to watch just the preview of the radio station announcing the winners. (Note: Have kleenex handy!)

If you have about 45 minutes to spare, click on the first link and watch the show.

Judgement

Posted on February 11, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Judgement – noun

The ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment. The forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind: Our judgment as to the cause of his failure must rest on the evidence. (Source)

We all pass judgement on people. We do this constantly. Most time we try to playfully pass it off as having an opinion, which is fine, but at the same time it is also passing judgement. I see them working hand in hand. One does not exist without the other. Judgement happens. It can be healthy, or thought provoking, or helpful or mean. We pass judgement when we write; when we read. As infertiles, we pass very harsh judgement on the fertiles of the world. Fertiles of the world judge us because we struggle and they don’t understand, they simply can’t comprehend our pain and emptiness. Judgement is a regular part of our everyday life. It can’t be avoided. If you say that you cast no judgement, then you are lying. Not only to me, but to yourself as well. We have free will and the power to express free will so with that comes judgement.

But not all judgement is bad. Judgement helps us define who we are and by judging others or their actions, we figure out what we want for ourselves. We know that when we see a drugged up homeless person begging for money on the street, we use our judgement to decide that that is not a life we want. We pass judgement on strangers based off of a few small facts. In the online world, in social sites like crackbook, blogger and twitter (just to name a few of the bigger sites) we judge people based on the personas they share with us. We pass positive, negative and neutral judgement on people based on their pictures, grammar and what they ‘like’ or follow. For instance, we judge a person’s education level by the way they express themselves with words. You judge a person’s interests based on their pictures and links. You go as far as judging whether to follow someone by their response to your own communications. This can be called many things, but at the end of the day, they still meet the definition of judgement.

So why am I on my soap box talking about judgement? Simple. I fear that my judgement is affecting my ability to be a supportive person in my infertilty groups.

I am lucky enough to be able to find some amazing support systems since we were diagnosed with MFI. I have my blog and the wonderful group of bloggers whom I follow and communicate with. I have some amazing friends who support me and do what they can to help us. I have very supportive parents and inlaws. I have a friend and her husband who are suffering from unexplained infertility and another who is showing signs of RPL (repeat pregnancy loss), who both are there to help me. I also have some lighter support systems that I use on a more daily basis online. Outside of blogger and my love there, I follow many IF people on twitter, including professionals in the IF world. I also belong to some groups on facebook that work like a message board where people can share their stories, talk about symptoms, procedures, medications, vent during the dreaded 2WW and have a place to network with others. And of course its one of the many facebook groups that I’m a member of that is currently causing me some butthurt.

Ah, facebook. Also known as crackbook and fertilebook. While I try to limit my time on facebook and can mostly be found playing stupid facebook games when I am on, I also managed to stumble onto a handful of groups that are specifically there for support for infertiles. There are two groups in particular that I participate in regularly because I like the hopeful upbeat feelings that come with the group. One is opened to the public which shows up on your timeline, the other is a closed group so people can post more of the personal stuff that you don’t want your parents or cousins or former high school friends reading. These groups have been great. The closed group has been the most help and its currently whats causing my biggest issue. You see, there is something going on there with one of the girls and honestly? My spider sense is tingling. Something seems off, but with high emotions I’m scared that I am simply judging this person too harshly and should simply let it go. But the other part of me wants to play protector to the ladies there. A lot of them have been through tremendous pain and if someone is screwing around with them, then my bitch side starts to show her claws. I’ve moderated groups before, I’ve dealt with trolls before and I can’t seem to figure out where she is on my scale. So I’m posting to sort out my feelings.

First my apologies to anyone who has found me from that group. I mean no ill will, or hurt feelings. I just wanna know for certain if something is up or I’m just being a party pooper.

So this girl in particular is a fairly regular poster. She seems to post randomly. Rarely comments on other posts on the page. Mostly the questions come down to “blah blah blah, here are some not so helpful facts, am I ovulating?” Now these are common posts in the groups. Mostly the posts from all of the members are questions concerning fertility medications, reactions, lack of reactions, book suggestions or venting about emotional public situations we all find ourselves in. But this specific girl, over time, went from these questions to weirder questions. The day in question finally came when I got a notification of a new post from her and it was a picture of a positive pregnancy test. She posted 2 different pictures of the test, she got loads of congratulations. But at the end of the congratulations she posted a ‘thanks but this may be a false positive so we’re not getting our hopes up’. Ok cool, I understand the waiting, not getting hopes up.

The next day, she posts that her doctor said that she tested negative. So later that day she posts stating that OPK’s are so expensive and she can’t afford one but she really needs one. The girls in the group offer cheaper suggestions: buy the cheap strips online in bulk, go with a no name brand, ect. Then a couple of hours later she posts again, giving her temperature for that day and the previous day and wondering if she is ovulating. Now not knowing much about tracking via BBT other than the basics, I sent her two websites as suggested to me from those I know who do track via BBT, wished her luck and hit post. She instantly comes back to me in what I interpret to be a rude response of I wanted a yes or no, and it to be explained to me, not google searches. I chalked it up to shes new to it, wants to do it but doesn’t want to do the leg work and wants us to give her the cliffs notes on it. I said screw it, let others answer because its out of my area of expertise. But because I commented, I was notified of all the responses. And it wasn’t until some of the people who had the knowledge to help asked to see some of her charts to look over that she admitted that she started tracking for the first time the previous day. After that, myself and a few others stated the obvious, when tracking something like that, there is an average for most women but its not effective for all. And to understand what your body is doing, it would require a least a couple of cycles of tracking your BBT daily to know the exact information she was looking for. And of course, for immediate results, OPK’s are the best.

A few hours after that, she posts in the group again. This time simply going with “I’ve decided to do IUI!” That’s when I started going all what the hell? First, I assumed a grammatical error and the decision seemed to come quickly. When she didn’t get much response from that, she posted that she talked to her doctor and shes being referred to a RE and hope to start treatment right away. The next day she’s posting again about how shes frustrated that her referral is not completed yet. Then to top off the oddness, later on that night she posts a similar question from the previous day about her temperature (it was this, dropped to this, then did this, am I ovulating now?)

Now, normally I wouldn’t notice this. Normally I would be so busy that I would see the email notification and just delete it before reading because clearly our personalities clash. But I’ve been home a lot the past 2 weeks with my minimal moving husband. And I can only crochet til my thumb starts hurting. So with the extra time I’m noticing this. I’m afraid I’m judging harshly or I just have too much time on my hands. But I also hate to see people waste the resources and time of others. And part of me is just getting super frustrated at all of it. OPK’s are too expensive but you quickly decide that you will get an IUI? Either this girl has the most erratic behaviour patterns ever, or shes trolling for attention. This is a group of (mostly) women who all have something in common: pain over months or years of infertility in a fertile world. Many do not have support systems outside of that little group. Many have not even come out to their family. Many have posted in the group asking to make sure that the posts do not show up in their news feed because they simply can’t deal with the outside world knowing. We come from all different types of cultural, religious, and financial backgrounds. So seeing this sorta makes me see red. I sincerely don’t know if I’m judging too harshly. If my emotions have me gnawing at this like a dog with a bone because I am going slightly shack whacky and AF is here making her presence known. But all I know is that it is clearly bugging me. Bugging me on a level that I simply can’t let go of to the point that I feel like posting about it. And even now, as I type this, I’m considering just saving it in my drafts and never hitting the publish button.

I just know that I don’t like people toying with others over sensitive topics. And this feels to me like its toying. But because I have all this free time where I can’t leave, I find myself looking more into it. She rarely takes part in discussions. Her posts almost seemed designed to get the biggest response out of the community. And the timing seems off. I’m not from the states, so I don’t know the timeline for referrals and getting in for bloodwork, but this timeline seems fast.

And the big question, why does it matter to me what this person does? Real or not? I don’t even know why this is bugging me so much. I just feel this need to protect those that I have gotten to know through this community. And I can’t even properly explain that need. They are faceless people who share their stories on the internet, why should I care?

Then I’m left with the fact that even if I do figure all this out, what do I do? Do I take it to the moderators? Will they care? It’s only facebook, so should I even bother?

Honestly, I think my husband needs to get mobile again and I need to get out of the house more. Cause I’m just confused now and facebook and my support groups shouldn’t cause me this much butthurt.

Thoughts? Or you can just comment to tell me its not worth my time and I should be checked for early signs of the crazies…

A Very Long Week

Posted on February 5, 2012 by imfluffyowl

This week has had to be the longest week of my life, and it hasn’t even been a full week since Chris hurt himself. I posted on Monday about my husband breaking his ankle. Because of this, I have missed 4 days of work and spent most of my time either taking care of my husband/hosting visitors checking in on him and spending a lot of time at the hospital.

Most people break a bone, go to the hospital and get a cast. Boom. Wear cast until its healed, take pain meds as told to, remove cast after healing period and then get back to life. Chris, sadly, was not so lucky. He not only broke his ankle, but it was bad enough to need surgery. Surgery was yesterday. They had to insert pins, a metal plate and staple and reattach some of the tendons that tore. Yup, when my husband does something, he does it well.

Here’s a breakdown of my week:

~Monday

I go to work. It’s almost time for me to head home but since I work for my parents at their house (I’m my father’s book keeper for his business, for those not in the know), I thought that I would get a hot shower because it was particularly bitterly cold out and I needed a shower. We had a storm on Friday and most of that had melted and then refroze as ice. Monday late afternoon/early evening, we had gotten one of those light fluffy snowfalls while I was doing my work, a little more than a centimeter or 2. I had just let the dog back into the house and was about to jump into the running shower when my phone rang. I was gonna ignore it, but it was Chris so I answered. He broke his ankle while going from our apartment to downstairs to visit our friends he called me while waiting for the amublance and he was sobbing he was in that much pain. I asked what hospital he was going to, turned off the shower, got dressed and left. Apparently it was so slippery, the paramedics almost fell trying to get to him. We were at the hospital til about midnight with his parents. His mother spends the entire time there mortified and embarassed by her son’s green toe nail polish. She is mortified that the nurses are seeing this. The nurses think that the green suits him and that its amusing that he doesn’t mind it because they assumed that I tricked him into it. They confirmed a broken ankle, put on a half slab cast and sent him home (without crutches). Barely slept that night from all the caffiene and adreneline, plus everytime I hear a moan of pain, I’m running to him to see if he needs anything.

~Tuesday

I was suppose to take my grandmother grocery shopping but had to cancel because Chris couldn’t put any weight on his foot, he was using crutches for the first time and the only thing he was capable of doing was getting himself back and forth to the bathroom. Chris’s mom came over to help, cleaned my kitchen agaist my pleas to not clean the mess we made and just spent the day taking care of him. I spend the day trying to arrange things in ways that will help Chris move around. Chris’s friends and their women come to visit. We play Apples to Apples for a couple of hours, they go home around 1am. Plus, we got more snow that night. Barely slept that night too. Finally get to sleep around sunrise.

~Wednesday

Actual X-ray. That bump on the right should be attached.

Forcast is calling for a big snowstorm. Due to get 2-4 centimeters of snow in the afternoon, another 20-40 centimeters that night. We also have an appointment at the Regional Hospital with the orthopedic surgeon to find out if he needs surgery and to hopefully put a full cast on. Wait an hour to see the doc and caffiene is keeping me awake. Doctor says it needs surgery because the bone that bears the weight of the body is affected. He needs pins in his foot, a metal plate to fix the floating bone and they need to reattach tendons that tore. They can tell us all this but can’t tell us when the surgery will be or when the hospital will call us in for surgery. All they can tell us is that they will call in the morning to tell us whether its Thursday or Friday. They tell Chris not to eat after midnight just in case its the next day. Puts a half cast on again, only more snug than what the ER doctor did on Monday night. Doctors tell Chris to keep it elevated. They send Chris home with paperwork and a copy of the X-ray for him to take to the surgeon on day of surgery. Chris uses the X-ray photo and posts it on facebook so him and his friends can make robot jokes. While at appointment, the bad weather has started. Makes getting back in the house difficult just to be coupled with a very panic filled mother who is going to slowly drive me to drink. I realize that for the first time ever, I am the cool, calm and collected one among the family. Once home and we send MiL home we try to relax. Sleep does not come easy. Everytime he moans in pain I’m up to see what he needs. We get to sleep and stay asleep around 4:30-5am.

~Thursday

I wake up to 3 calls before 8am. None of them the hospital. Finally get back to sleep and get woken by mother in law at 10:30 saying that she called the hospital. They didn’t call us but its a good thing MiL did because he has surgery on Thursday instead of Friday and we have to be there by noon. We rush to get ready. Most side roads aren’t even plowed yet from the storm, yet the hospital wants us to rush to get in there. In-laws show up while getting ready. FiL shovels from the storm (luckily we live on the same street as a hospital -not the hospital we are going to for surgery, but still a hospital- so we are always the first to be plowed) while we get ready. We get to the hospital with 10 minutes to spare. We were told to go right to day surgery, day surgery had nothing for us and MiL had to go back down to ambulatory care just to register him. I help him get in his medical gown for surgery, take off his toe nail polish, and then they tell me that I can go with him into the waiting area for surgery. I think I see just a bit of jealousy from his mom over me being the one that the doctor and nurses confer with regarding Chris and his surgery.

Just after the dr. said that magnets would not stick to his ankle…

While waiting in the surgery waiting area, we talk to his surgeon who tells Chris that as much as he wants to stick magnets to his ankle, it doesn’t work like that and his friends are just gonna have to take his word for it. This disappoints Chris more than you would think. The doctor who takes care of the anestetic comes and talks and convinces him to go under a general instead of a local stating that his anxiety would make him a bad candidate for local. Chris reluctantly accepts the general even though he tells the doctor exactly why he’s so nervous about the general. His nurse shows up and then hes heading off to surgery and he can’t seem to stop thanking me and kissing me enough to show his appreciation. I’m directed back to the waiting area to wait, the surgeon promises to come out and update me when he comes out of surgery. Then I proceed to spend the next 3 hours with my in-laws. My inlaws are LOSING THEIR MINDS. Joe is quiet but won’t stop pacing. Debbie won’t stop play Worse Case Scenario and its only making the two of them panic more. She starts wondering whats taking so long after a half hour. I consider sending them both to go get me food just to get a break. I crocheted and spent most of the time texting updates to about 20 different people from both mine and Chris’s phones til my phone died. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. My inlaws were pacing and a nervous wreck. The surgeon comes out to tell me that he made it through fine, I ask some follow up questions, he gives me instructions and paperwork. I thank him and let him get back to work. We spend the next 3 hours waiting for Chris to come out of recovery. Debbie panics and keeps re-reading the paperwork the doctor gave me thinking that she will find something new on it, while Joe contines to pace. They wonder how I’m so calm, I wonder why they don’t have a liquor store in the hospital. Then the O.R. nurse comes out to get me, I help the very nice male nurse dress Chris, get him in a wheelchair and take him home. I order a pizza for us because I’m too tired to cook. Friends check in and visit til they notice that I’m starting to nod off in my chair. They leave shortly after and I go to bed at 10:30pm, put on a movie and apparently I was snoring 10 minutes into it. (Seriously, Chris timed me).

~Friday

Slept til 11:30am. Get up and get ready to go to work for the first time since Monday. Dad landed home on Thursday while Chris was in surgery so this will be the first time I see him since he was home at Christmas. MiL offered to come and sit with Chris while I go to work. She tells me she is gonna clean the apartment while I’m gone. I give a half assed argument about why she shouldn’t and then give up because telling her not to clean is like telling her not to breath. I thank her profusely, she says that she is doing this to show how grateful she is for me being there for her son through all of this. I momentarily feel bad for my thoughts about her earlier in the week. But only momentarily.

Get to work and get about 75% caught up. Vow to finish catching up on Monday. Dad puts on a serious face and tells me that I only get paid for one day of work this week. I look like I’m gonna cry, dad starts laughing, then I tell him where to go with my colorful language. He tells me not to “fucking curse”. I told him I learned from the best. I get back to work. I come home to a wonderfully clean apartment. Hug my mother in law about 20 times. Then spend the evening watching almost an entire season of How I Met Your Mother with Chris because I just got it back from my cousin and I remembered that the Woooo Girls episode is on this season and I wanna watch it before I pass it off to the other Amy who is also watching the show via my dvds. I can’t leave Chris alone yet so I end up missing girls night. I try to bake instead and almost kill myself when I drop a large glass bowl on the floor. I stop baking, clean up my mess (cursing while I do it) and swear not to make that particular thing ever again. Chris attempts sleeping in bed instead of on the couch, we both sleep soundly, I sleep like I’ve never slept before. I really do sleep better when he is next to me. I miss him even if he is only asleep on the couch. But we’ve been together almost 9 years, so I guess its not really that surprising.

~Saturday (today)

I put my foot down and refuse to let him go to the movies til after his full cast is on. He planned to do the movies with his friends on Tuesday and had planned this before he hurt himself but I more or less told him, he can’t elevate it there (which was a strict non negotiable order from the surgeon), and while we are all careful around his foot, not everyone at the theatre will show the same caution. His friends agreed stating that they would wait to see the movie til he was healed a bit more and he had the full cast on. Chris pouted but when I started explaining and his friends started explaining, he started seeing things our way. I made a homemade meal for once. Then hubby decided that he wanted to go to a friends house for fight night. I’m worried about travelling and the fact that said friends have young kids and two very active dogs that may accidentally run into his healing foot. He was very sore all night and when we got home from the UFC fight hes in a lot of pain and finally takes something for the pain (hes refused all pain pills up to this point). He was glad to get out but as I told him, it may have been too much too soon for his foot. Mentally he needed the change of scenery because right now all he sees is the apartment, the car and the hospital. But physically, he is two days post operation and this movement, for non necessary reasons, was hard on him. He’s now lightly dozing on the couch while watching Return of the Jedi.

~*~*~*~*~

“Take a picture of me. I want this documented!”

And that brings us up to now. Chris is set up on the couch for the night. Mentally, I’m exhausted. I’m his nurse, cook, maid, and everything else he needs. He feels terrible having to rely on me so much. I feel terrible that I can’t take his pain away and that I can’t do more for him. He regularly apologizes for being an inconvenience. He thanks me non stop and while hes always been affectionate, hes been super affectionate since Monday. He feels so bad but hes just been so grateful. He feels like he will never be able to pay me back. Today on the drive over to friends house, he said to me, “you are amazing, I can’t believe how much you are doing for me. I’ll never be able to pay you back for all of this.” But I responded honestly and said, “hun, I meant my vows. This is part of it. In sickness and in health baby.” He smiled.

His friends have been wonderful. If they aren’t checking in, they are visiting. It helps him from getting too bored or depressed. They bring board games and stories and sometimes just hanging out. Adam and Amy got a new pug puppy so they bring him up here and he provides hours of amusement for all of us. And helpful? It’s wonderful. The night that he broke his ankle, one of his friends and his girlfriend brought me tea at the hospital when they came to check on him. Then they went back to our apartment and cleared and salted the step for us. They have dragged garbage bags out for us. And tonight, they followed us home and helped him into the apartment while I parked the car.

But because of all of this, I have been pretty much MIA from comments and all blogging in general. I catch up when I can and I’m feeling like it. But I’m just so damn tired all the time that at the end of the day I weigh sleep vs. blogging and sleep has been winning. So to my regular readers, if I missed anything new drop me a line and catch me up on your life. I’ll eventually stop by, catch up, read and comment, but just when I start getting more restful sleep at night.

The long term forcast for Chris? On Friday, we meet with the surgeon for his post operation check up. Plus the swelling will be down enough for them to finally transition him into a full fiberglass cast. This should make things easier for him and hopefully he will be able to start doing things like standing long enough to make himself something to eat or get his own drinks. We should also find out then just how long it should take to heal. Right now it could be anywhere from 6-12 weeks. We are probably look at 8 weeks in a cast then a boot and cane after that. But we will know more on Friday. And as long as his movement is limited, my social life is limited too. I won’t leave him home alone til he can take care of himself easily. It’s going to make work a little difficult but we’ll figure something out.