I gotta say, I started this post about 20 times. I didn’t like how it started so I deleted it and started from scratch again. Then there have been the countless times that I’ve sat in front of my computer or my blogger app on my phone and just stared at the blank post trying to figure out how to approach this post. What do I say? I’ve been waiting for this step for the better part of three years. My nerves were shot since we were told the date. I worried as we made travel plans. I worried as my friends told me that everything would be fine. I worried for the entire drive up. I dreamed about it the night before which caused me to toss and turn and get very little sleep.

But it happened. We arrived at the fertility clinic exactly at 10:30 after our friends drove us into downtown Halifax. And a special thanks goes out to them because we would have easily gotten lost and missed the appointment.

As soon as we walked in, we were waited on. There was no waiting in the waiting room. They were ready for us as soon as we landed and took us to our room to wait for the doctor. My immediate first impression was how warm and friendly they were. The receptionist welcomes us to the clinic, asked if we needed anything and told us where the bathroom was. On her way out, she gave us a smile and wished us luck.

While waiting for the doctor to come in, I got a little emotional. I cried for a bit, but mostly just to let out some of the nerves and tension. Chris told me that he had thought about it long and hard and said that if it turned out that his sperm was not viable, he would agree to donor sperm. This made me cry some more. Chris suddenly noticed all the posters about the different procedures on the wall and had plenty of questions about them. He was impressed with my knowledge and didn’t realize that all those nights where I was so caught up in articles and websites, I was really informing myself on our situation and potential situations. Then the doctor came in. He introduced himself as Dr. G’s intern and asked if we would mind talking to him while Dr. G finished up with another patient. Intern was super cute and very relaxed and easy to talk to. Dr. Cute Intern took patient history from both of us and went over Chris’s reports from his first, second and third semen sample along with his blood work. Before we were referred to the fertility clinic, the first SA was taken and we were told that 50% of his sperm was inactive, while the other 50% was immobile. We expected to walk into the appointment and be told that none of his sperm was viable. But what we got was a bit of good news and a bit of bad news. After we talked to Dr. Cute Intern, Dr. G came in and pretty much went over everything that we just went through, answered our questions and gave us our odds. He was straight forward but kind. He started by telling us that hes not here to make money off of us, he’s here to help us have a baby so he will give everything to us honestly, no beating around the bush and he won’t push anything that he feels has a low chance of working on us. My gut feelings told me that this is right, and he is right for us. Even now, I’m quite confident in his decisions and his assessment of us. I went in expecting my spidey sense to tingle, Chris expected it to be a money grab. But we were comforted by them, they explained everything in detail. They gave us time to process it. The people working there have proven that they are first and foremost here for us. They gave us direction which I’m grateful for. There was no push, just information and the time to process it all.

The rundown of the results pretty much breakdown to this:
~Hubby has viable sperm.
~His sperm count is around 200,000 (viable) per cc. For those who are not in the know about this stuff, a good sperm count per cc is around 20 million. They consider 2 million per cc to be a low count. So my husband has a very low sperm count. But at least there is sperm.
~His testosterone count was just a little below normal. But because it does not affect his sex drive, they don’t consider it to be a problem.
~Everything else came back normal.
~They have no idea what is actually causing his low sperm count. They are now looking at what happened between the first SA and the current ones that he gave prior to the appointment because the numbers have gone up since then. The only thing that has changed was a change in medication for his anxiety disorder and he lost some weight during the summer and fall because of the change in medication.
~Because of this, they plan to keep on checking the sperm every couple of months, have suggested that we keep trying naturally for a time being and both bring our weight down a bit to see if 1. that brings up his count and 2. we can always benefit from weight loss.
~We may still have a chance to conceive naturally because of the viable sperm, but the chances are much lower than an average couple. 
~Dr. G told us that if we plan on using Chris’s sperm, the numbers are not high enough for IUI, so he feels that we would simply be wasting money and getting our hopes up.
~He seemed quite confident that odds and time are in our favor so we have some time to do the more time tests. He told us that we could start treatments tomorrow if we so choose to but he knows our financial situation and suggested that we take six months off before we start treatments, and work on us to further put odds in our favor and to put together the funds.
~They sent Chris for blood work at the IWK before we left because they want a chromosome test done and that is the only local hospital in Nova Scotia that does it. It’s going to take a couple of months for that to come back but it will be ready when it’s needed.
~Because IUI is not an option, we are now facing IVF.
~IVF is gonna cost us around 12 grand. For one shot at this. 3 grand of that is for the fertility meds. If we end up having to do ICSI (where they have to physically insert the sperm into the egg via a needle), that will add another 1500 bucks to our total. Plus travel expenses, time off work (for both of us) and expenses while we are away. Thankfully we won’t have to factor the cost of hotels because we were told (note: not asked, told) that we can stay where we stayed for this appointment.
~We are considering one shot of IVF with Chris’s sperm and if we have no luck with that, we may move onto IUI with donor sperm.
~Dr. G told me that if we plan to move forward with treatments, he is gonna to set me up with a local gyno and attempt to do as much of my work ups in Cape Breton in order to cut down on 5 hours of travel both ways for any work. I was told that if I don’t hear from Dr. D in Sydney by next week to give her a call. Or call back to the clinic and they can check into it themselves.
~That being said, there are a handful of tests he wants me to go through before we make our final decision on whether to start IVF.

So the appointment was both a plus and a negative. He has viable sperm but the chances of getting pregnant on our own are much, much lower than any average couple. The plus side is that we have answers and there is still a chance for biological children, but the downside is that it is going to potentially be very costly to us. Dr. G and Dr. Cute Intern were wonderful and we felt much better leaving the clinic. We had answers, we weren’t a hopeless cause. It still meant work and money on our part, but no more of the unknown. Dr. G felt very positive about us being able to get pregnant. He told us that he was glad we fought to get to this point and sympathized with our frustrations. We were told that our age is on our side, and that our chances of conceiving are high.

So all in all a good appointment, doctors that leave me feeling comforted.

After the appointment, we just tried to enjoy the rest of our trip. The couple we were staying with took us for lunch, we checked out a cute little cupcake shop that I fell in love with. Then we went and totally geeked out at the Discovery Center where I got to take part in a presentation and we got to enjoy the “Gross-ology” exhibit. And the bubble and Lego rooms. After that, we went to aunt Moe’s for supper where they had a surprise birthday cake for Chris for his 30th birthday. The next day was our shopping day and we literally shopped til we dropped. We followed that with Ryan and Kayleigh making us supper and having Ryan’s sister and husband over for board games.

We spent all of Saturday traveling back home. We missed the kitties and our friends and everything really. It’s nice to get away for a couple of days, but I’m a homebody and like it that way.

So as you can see, we’ve had a lot to process. I think I’m still in the early stages of processing all of this. I find myself dreaming about it. Chris and I have started conversations about it, but we haven’t really gotten that far. We started to change our diet. We are starting to work out. But that’s all we’ve done. I’ll check with Dr. D’s office early next week. I’ve started looking for a part time job that will work with my current job schedule so that we can start banking money at a faster rate. We may have plenty of time, but my egg quality starts going downhill at 35 and I don’t want that to become a factor as well.

So for now, baby steps…just not a baby yet…

First, I would like to thank everyone for their kinds words, support, positive thoughts and prayers for our appointment. I read them via my phone as I was notified by my email. The words helped me stay calm and helped me feel loved and supported. So thank you. The appointment was both positive and negative and I am working on the post, but I’m still sorting through my thoughts and feelings on all of it. It’s been a very long week and I’m simply trying to decompress before I post. Once I feel the words flowing freely about it, I will fill you all in about it. I promise.

Secondly, this post will make reference to the Hunger Games book and movie because we went to see the movie tonight. While I will talk about the movie and topics in the story, it doesn’t affect the plot line of the movie or the book. This post is spoiler free. While I am pro-spoiler, I know that not everyone is.

That being said, Chris and I went to see The Hunger Games at the movie theatre tonight. We both read the books, I anxiously waited with baited breath for this movie to come out. A little over a year and a half ago, my hairdresser told me about a book she thought I would like. A couple of months later, I finally sat down to read the series. I fell in love with it, told my friend Crystal about them, who also fell in love with them and then we talked about it ALL. THE. TIME. After that, it exploded between our groups of friends. Our husbands, our mutual friends, Chris’s cousin and his girlfriend…literally, everyone we knew devoured the books.

One thing I notice in the book was that I related in a sense to the residents of District 12. But it wasn’t until I watched the movie tonight that the connection effectively knocked me on my ass. The book tells you that district 12 is coal country. The men, when they become of age, work in the coal mine. They go deep underground and many of the families are left trying to move on after the death of the men in the house because of explosions or accidents at the mine. While watching the movie, they tried to show this part of the district by not explaining it, but showing it through Katniss’s thoughts/memories or shots of the town. And while I enjoyed the movie much more than I expected to enjoy it, there was one scene that grabbed me. The scene showed the grown men of district 12 in their work clothes, wearing their hard hats with lights attached to them, carrying their lunch pails in their hand. The men are shown first walking through town, then walking down the hall into the elevator that takes them into the mine shafts. Just after the elevator descends into the shaft, it shows an explosion and a visual of the after effects on the families of those men lost in the explosion. It was a simple scene but it still left me breathless. Why? Because I’m a coal miner’s daughter.

I was born and raised in a small coal mining town with an early history of poor mining conditions and accidents before the formation of unions who fought for proper and safe working conditions. Every year we still observe Davis Day. I grew up hearing the mining horror stories and watched as our province had tragedies of its own. We were educated about the history of mining. My own father worked in the mines for most of my life and was involved in an accident when I was 4 years old where cables fell onto his shoulder. He spent the next 10 or so years getting surgeries on his shoulder and even now is missing some muscles in my right shoulder. He is in pain every single day of his life because of that accident, but he has learned to manage it, live with it and even move onto jobs outside of coal mining and become very successful in his trade.

As a kid, we lived down the road from the main road that led to Lingan Mine. Because of that, we always knew when there was an accident before it was announced. We would be able to look out the door and see the fire truck or ambulance rushing down the road. When we heard that sound go in that direction, mine and mom’s stomach would always drop. Then it was the waiting game til end of shift to figure out if it was dad, or one of my friends dads or an uncle or relative. One time, when I was 4 (before I understood it all), it was us. Mom got that call. It’s funny how those memories and feelings stay with you. Just the other day, I had this discussion with Chris. We currently live just up the road from the hospital and after hearing the ambulance rush by with the siren on for the 3rd time that day, I mentioned to Chris about living by the mine and hearing the sound of the siren. I told him that even now, 26 years after my dads accident, every time I hear the sirens my stomach still drops and I still wonder where its going. My mind instantly goes back to that time. My stomach still drops in fear, even though it has no reason to.

Nowadays, the mines are closed. Many of the miners have either retired, moved or transitioned into working out west in camps and travel back and forth while their families stay home. Dad himself has moved onto working around the world in places like the Arctic Circle or the Gobi Desert. But the memories of my past are still there. The stories we were told about mining accidents are still there. I still observe Davis Day, I still consider myself lucky that dad is still with us, regardless of his accident.

But the movie, that scene, and even international news coverage of major mining disasters still affect me. They still glue me to the TV. I watch and worry for them as if they were from here and the accident was simply up the road from us. 

So that one scene in the movie brought me back to a time and place where these things were prominent in my life. I remembered the stories. I thought of my dad. I messaged my dad who is currently working on the other side of the country right now just so that I could have that communication with him tonight. It was like deja vu. Only not quite. When I read the book, I was aware of the connection, but it didn’t affect me in any way other than it didn’t take as much imagination to understand Katniss and her history and where she came from. But the movie showing the image of the men walking to work, entering the mine shaft and the explosion and the fallout hit me. I was holding Chris’s hand during the movie, and apparently at that particular scene I squeezed his hand extra hard. He asked if I was OK and I brushed it off. But when I got home, he asked me about it and I was honest. It took me back to my dad’s history, the stories, Davis Day and why we honor that day. Then the memories of dad coming home from a double shift at the mine with the coal dust still under his finger nails and the black eye-liner like look that the coal dust left. I remember his work hat, his orange DEVCO jumpsuit and lunch pail. The smell of chewing tobacco on his breath because they couldn’t smoke in the mine shafts. The curling up in dads lap when he came home and not really understanding that my father was in small confined (and dangerous) spaces underground, out underneath the ocean. These are memories that I will always hold close. They are a part of my childhood that can easily be channeled when the right images are in front of me.

We did not have the easiest life growing up, but I like to think that it makes us stronger. Regardless of what happens and where we go in life, I’ve always been proud of the work my father has done. He has done what few could and still do, and then he moved on to bigger things. And just as much as Katniss is a part of district 12 and District 12 is a coal district, we are from a small coal mining town and I will always be a coal miner’s daughter.

So since I’m still up and trying to last just a bit longer before I go to bed, I thought I would update on today.

We left at 9:30 this morning and travelled all day, taking our time and stopping for lunch and relaxing, and got at our destination at about 4:30 just as Kayleigh was getting home. It was a beautiful day. In fact we were getting temps that we normally see during early summer around here. Even as I type this, its still 22 degrees celcius outside and its almost 11:30. We had the perfect driving conditions today. Ryan and Kayleigh are fellow IFers who have been dealing with RPL (repeat pregnancy loss) and have suffered from 6 (I believe) miscarriages. When we got here she told us that shes 13 weeks pregnant. And honestly? I wasn’t upset but quiet the opposite. She wanted to tell us in person, but she also didn’t want to take away from our weekend and asked that the family not say anything until they told us in person. Which I really am grateful for. They didn’t have to but they did and it means a lot.

Once Ryan got home we planned for supper. Chris and Ryan wanted chinese and Kayleigh and I wanted Thai. So Kayleigh and I went for our food. And I just want to note that I LOVE Cha Baa Thai. Their Prawn Pad Thai was so good. And honestly, thats the first time I had tofu and actually enjoyed it. While out, Kayleigh and I talked about IF and my nerves about tomorrow. Shes incredibly positive and it radiates off of her, so its starting to affect me. Kayleigh didn’t know our entire IF story or about Chris MFI diagnosis so she then offered their house for all times if we have to go through any treatments. They are also driving us into our appointment tomorrow and afterwards, we are going for lunch and checking out the Discovery Center and going to The Freak Lunchbox before we head back to get ready for the bbq at Aunt Moe’s tomorrow. It’s also calling for as high as 25-27 degrees (celcius) tomorrow so yay!

Otherwise, it was a quiet night talking, catching up and settling in and now…its bedtime. Cause honestly, after driving all day, I’ve hit my max and I’m exhausted.

Night all! I’ll let you know how the appointment goes when I have some time to!

First a happy ICLW to any new people reading my blog!

Secondly, this is just your quick post to fill you in on the goings ons around here.

I’m currently packed up for our trip. We are driving 5 hours to stay with family and in a little less more than 24 hours, we will finally be meeting with Dr. G for the first time. We have been waiting 3 long years to finally know the exact reasons as to why we cannot conceive and the trip starts now. Finally no more local doctors dragging their feet and making this difficult for us.

If you can, can you please keep us in your thoughts over the next 48 hours. I’ll update when we know more. It may be a quick update, but I will update nonetheless.

Wish us luck! I have never been as excited or nervous as I am right now. In fact, its kinda wrecking havoc on my insides.

I’ll catch up on comments (both replying and the ICLW comments) when I get back.

Love and hugs!
Kim

Today was Pi Day. In showing my true geeky nature, I made a pie for Pi Day (ah ha you caught that word play, did you). Well technically I made two: one for Chris and one for dad. Because Chris would have been mad if I made a pie and didn’t bring any home and dad is not one to enjoy sharing the baked goods I make for him. But I made pies, mostly because dad is flying home today and he asked if I would make him one. So I made him a butterscotch pie, from scratch. He was very happy that I made him pie. Then he called during one of his change overs just to make sure that I put meringue on top of the pie.

So dad flew today but the weather was shit almost everywhere he was flying to. It was storming in Fort MacKay when he left which caused a delay and he was trying to get home before the bad weather was due to start here. So he was about an hour behind schedule all day. Mom is sick so they asked me to go pick up dad. Which I don’t mind, cause that usually means that I can drive my dads fancy truck. He was suppose to get in at midnight but didn’t get in til almost 1:30am. And the bad weather held out at least until he landed. I was able to get home before the freezing rain and snow starts getting heavy.

By this time next week, I’ll be in Halifax getting some shut eye at Ryan and Kayleigh’s because our appointment would be in the morning. In one week and a little less than one day, we will finally get to meet with the urologist and take the next step in our attempt to have a baby. It makes me sad that its taken this long to get to this point, but at least we are almost there.

Today I finalized all my plans with the family we are staying with. They are just as excited as we are about our visit. We plan to get there by supper on Wednesday. They want to make us supper when we get there. I’m gonna bake before we leave and bring it up with us for dessert. Ryan and Kayleigh both took Thursday and Friday off so that we could do stuff. They will help us make our way through downtown Halifax because I’ve never driven to or around Halifax before. Dinner is planned for Thursday night after our appointment at Aunt Moe’s with everyone. We plan to visit with Moe’s daughter and her family and we also plan to get some shopping in before Chris and I head home on Saturday. I’ve been an over analyzing mess since we got the date of the appointment. This is the first time I’ve actually been excited. And as Kayleigh said to me, regardless of it’s good or bad news, they will keep us busy. We’ll either celebrate progress and good news or keep us busy to keep our minds off of bad news. I gotta say, I’m ready for this.

So, my thoughts are disjointed today. Which only means that I want to post but I can’t concentrate enough on one topic to actually complete a post. So you get random tidbits of information today.

First, could you all take a minute to go over here and vote for myself and my husband? A Canadian hotel chain is having a contest asking people to share their stories to win a weekend getaway. I shared our 3 year infertility struggle and could really use the support and votes. I would be forever grateful for every person that votes. Thank you in advance for your help.We would really like just a weekend getaway to get away from the stresses of infertility. Thank you!

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I threw my back out sometime Friday. I went to the drug store for my grandparents and reached down to grab something on the lowest shelf. When I did, I felt something pinch badly in my lower back. The severe pain and being unable to move didn’t happen til I was home later that night and had been sitting for an extended period. I’ve been in pretty bad shape since. It took me an hour and Chris helping me to get out of bed. I was using his cane to brace myself. It’s not fun, at all.

I’m finally back to a full nights sleep, and it feels wonderful. The down part? It was a nice sunny weekend and I missed all of it because movement was so limited.

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Chris got his cast taken off Friday morning. X-rays came back great. Ankle is healed enough for the cast to come off. He doesn’t have to wear the boot, but he starts physio next week. Chris is loving the freedom. He’s still sore and still limping, walking with a cane and taking his time, but this is the first time he has been able to get an actual shower vs. a sponge bath sitting in a chair next to the shower.

He got his cast off in time to help me out this weekend. We switched roles. But I gotta say, I’m the better cook between the two of us.

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I won a prize over at Keiko’s new blog The Infertility Voice. She had 5 days of giveaways for the opening of her new blog (she was formerly found at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed). I signed up for all the draws because I’m always commenting on her blog posts anyway. But I won!! I won the free upgrade to The Fertility Focus Telesummit that I had signed up for weeks ago. I won the full upgrade. On top of the live feed via either phone, skype or online, I will now also get audio files of each of the 10 presenters and 3 interviews along with the transcripts for each. On top of that, I get access to multiple mp3 files about infertility from professionals within the infertility community and an infertility e-book. Thank you Keiko for the wonderful giveaways. I rarely win anything, so when I got this email I was amazed!!

Have a great week everyone!