I was born and raised a Catholic. Roman Catholic to be specific. For those that do not celebrate the Catholic Faith, this is one of the most religious times of the year. It’s Easter weekend. Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Easter Monday were staples in my life growing up and not because of the Easter Bunny. Sure we woke up on Easter Sunday to some chocolate, a new pair of pj’s, a new spring outfit and even some small toys to use outside to welcome the spring and give your parents a break (like road chalk, skipping ropes, bubbles and jacks). But the gifts and the bunny were a small part of my Easter weekend. Easter weekend meant church, 3 days of church. It also meant family and turkey. Saying this, I have a bit of a confession to make. Many of my IRL friends may not be shocked cause its honestly been happening for awhile. But to others, its news. I was born into a Catholic family. Raised in a Catholic family. I was a member of the church choir from grade 2-6. In junior and senior high I taught Sunday school and was one of the teachers for the Children’s Liturgy of the Word. I also went through all the “rites of passage” in the church, first communion, first confession, confirmation and I even married in the church. But the sad fact is, I’ve grown away from my church over the years and if someone asked me what beliefs I subscribe to, my answer would be a simple “undeclared”. I’ve lost my faith, but the real question is, do I really miss it?
It started years ago, just over 7 years ago. My religious pillar in my life, my grandmother, was sick and at the end of her life. She suffered for months, spent her final weeks in the hospital with fluid building up in her lungs that was slowly drowning her. She suffered so much but still prayed every night. She even asked for the priest to come to her and give her the last rite and pray over her while she was still alert.I prayed constantly during this time, hoping that god would ease her pain. But she just continued to suffer. Watching her die, being in the room when she passed was possibly the hardest thing, mentally, that I have ever been through. That was the start. That was the first trial that questioned my faith. Then things started happening. My church told me that a person being gay was wrong. That my gay friends and family had no place in my faith hurt me to my core. It felt wrong. If god created us all, why would he shun people he created to be that way? This wasn’t the only factor, it was a gradual build and this was a moment that simply stood out to me. I stopped praying as much. I stopped going to church. And when I would go to church? The building that used to bring me comfort and safety suddenly felt empty and cold. I found no peace or comfort from praying. I found no comfort in the religious acts that previously brought me comfort.
Then I got engaged and we got married. I married in the church I grew up in. But I did not marry in the church because of my beliefs. I did not take comfort in the prayers that the priest said over our ceremony. Instead I found comfort in the fact that this is how I’ve always envisioned my wedding and that this is what my grandmother would have wanted if she was still with us. The vows we said to each other gave me peace, not the prayers before or after it. We opted for the least religious of the services that they offered. We picked the readings that spoke less of god but more of love. Seeing my husband put my wedding band on my finger gave me peace and comfort. Knowing that I was married in my grandmothers church gave me peace and comfort and I genuinely felt closer to my grandmother even though she had been dead for almost 5 years at that point. The prayer beads wrapped around my bouquet was in memory of my grandmother, a way to keep her with me all day as they were a gift to me from my grandmother before she got sick (they were her personal prayer beads that she passed down to me), not as a statement of my faith.
As involved as I was with the church growing up, I’ve always felt uncomfortable when someone would so blatantly talk about god or his love out loud. If someone publicly praised god, I got an icky feeling in my stomach. Something was off. And even now when people post those pictures of facebook that say “If you love god like he loves you, share and repost this”, the icky feeling comes back. Trust in god to show you the path was a phrase that always left me uncomfortable and feeling off. I felt wrong questioning my beliefs and discomfort. I had trouble processing the stories. I started distancing myself from the church more and more each day. But I felt badly about this. But over the past 2 years, I have started to purposely question my beliefs and what makes me so uncomfortable. I have pushed myself to find the reason behind my discomfort and the answer surprised me, I have no faith. Well, I have no faith in the religious sense. I don’t even recognize myself as a religious person. I’ve let go of my faith, and I’m OK with that.
It’s a weird feeling to let go of your faith. You realize that it was a dead weight holding you back. By letting go, I have found myself less conflicted. I still take comfort in some of the catholic practices because they are what I’ve always known, the actions bring me comfort not the purpose behind it. But I can take them as a process I need to move on rather than what is going to save my soul. For instance, I still take peace and comfort in the way the Catholic church deals with death. The wake and funeral process is helpful to me, having an open place to be surrounded by support and the freedom to mourn is a comfort to me. But I no longer associate it with religion. For the sake of family, I still refer to myself as a Catholic, but in my mind I am a non practicing Catholic. When we have children, I will have them baptized, but more to please the parents than to please myself or Chris. I seem to have my own set of beliefs drawn from my (former?) religion. I still believe that when we die, we answer for our life, that our soul must go somewhere. Where? No clue. Do I believe in heaven or hell? I don’t know. Is there some higher power or deity that we answer to? I don’t know. Do I think prayers or chants will save me? No. I also don’t see myself as an Athiest or Agnostic. I’m just me, no religious title attached.
I’ve always been of the mindset of, believe what you want just don’t push it on me. And this train of thought carries over through most things in life. As long as its legal, do whats right for you. I may not understand it, but I will respect your right to choose. It’s why I’m pro-choice even though I would never have an abortion, or I’ll fight for gay rights even though I’m heterosexual. I’ve carried this train of thought long before my religious revelations came to me. To the Jehovah’s Witnesses who knock on my door at 9 in the morning, to the priests, rabbis or other religious leaders in this community and the overly religious who feel the need to preach to me how wrong I am, I have said the same thing. I don’t push my thoughts and lack of beliefs on you, so the same should be returned. So watching how religious extremes are trying to overturn Roe vs. Wade in the States and the religious extremists are trying to fight a war on women claiming a religious right to do so, or people praying for my soul when I ask a question on a message board asking for input from other non religious folks, it becomes hard to keep my mouth shut.
A prime example of this was in one of my infertility groups a couple of weeks back. For days, I watched how everyone talked about god and their faith in their infertility journey. I was jealous because they could so easily turn over their trust and beliefs in a cure for their infertility to a god that may or may not exist. I sat back wishing I could do that, because maybe it would be easier on me. Maybe I would stop putting so much blame on myself. I wish I could live in that bubble where I knew with certainty that a god existed and that god would get me through. But I don’t and I started to wonder what I could do to help lift my spirits in place of those prayers that I don’t believe will work. So I posted on the board asking for anyone who does not perscribe to any faith to share what they do during the difficult times to help get them through it. I even went so far to say that I am not looking for prayer, that I do not perscribe to any faith and just want to know what others do outside of prayer to get them through the tougher times. I wanted to know what works for other people. A simple question. What I got was NOT A SIMPLE RESPONSE. The religious posted comments trying to “save me”. I got suggestions about how to get back in touch with god and how I should talk to people in the religious community or to a priest or rabbi to help me find my way back. I was told that people were going to pray for the safety of my soul. All this when I just wanted suggestions for, say, a good yoga or meditation that helps ease the stresses of infertility. A person below me on the message board had posted asking for everyone’s favorite lines of scripture to turn to during the difficult times and she got a clear answer from everyone praising her for turning to scripture during the difficult times. I did not post on there saying that there is no god and she should stop praying, I just opted to say nothing at all. But others can reverse that back onto me? I asked for things to do outside of prayer and suddenly my soul needed to be saved. A small number of girls stepped forward with suggestions to try a day of pampering, a mani and pedi, a girls night out, a glass of wine and a good book, meditation, fertility yoga, but I got that out of 3 girls to the other 20+ comments telling me I’m wrong and I should just pray instead. Mind you not all of the girls were like that. One or two actually told me that they were religious but they found “x and y” to be very comforting outside of prayer and religion and hoped that it would help me in finding some direction. Now those comments, I appreciated greatly. They did not force their religion on me but were still open to answering my question, religion free.
Why the hate on those that don’t believe? Why do religious people feel the need to save those that have declared themselves non-religious? Not everyone needs to be saved, nor wants to be saved. I honestly don’t think I need saving. I have a healthy understanding of religion, my own and others. I still read about faith. I still read about the Catholic faith, and other faiths, as my interest is peaked. I want to understand why people believe and I don’t. I have gone from believer to a researcher role. I am fascinated by some of the gospel stories, and where some of my blogger friends are currently celebrating Passover, I find myself spending hours reading up on their faith and the traditions that they are taking part in this week so that I can gather a greater understanding of them and their relationship with their faith. My lack of faith does not stop my lack of curiosity and it does not make me respect you any less for having your own beliefs. In fact, if I have a question and you are willing to explain it to me regardless of my beliefs or lack thereof without trying to convert me, I will show you even more respect than I would normally extend.
So this weekend, the holiest of holy weekends, I find myself a little lost. The lack of a child to celebrate the tradition of the Easter Bunny, our infertility weighing heavily on us and most businesses closing for Good Friday and Easter Sunday makes for a very quiet weekend for us to sit here and do nothing. Many of my friends are part of some faith community and this weekend is considered a family weekend. Many of those friends have children and are preparing for a visit from the Easter Bunny or they are simply just observing the holiday with family. And while we have supper with my parents tomorrow, its the first time in years since we’ve celebrated it in any way because my father usually has to work through Easter. We will visit with both sets of parents, they will give us chocolate bunnies that we won’t eat and then we will come home to the cats.There is nothing special left to this holiday because that left when my grandmother died. Last night I caught myself craving seafood and was half way through making my seafood lasagna when I realized it was Good Friday and its been instilled in me to eat fish and seafood on Good Friday. I did what I was so accustomed to naturally. But there were no religious feelings surrounding it. Cause at the end of the day, there is plenty there for those that celebrate the religious holiday, but there are few options for those that don’t. So I wrote, I made a lasagna, I’m going to bake. I’m going to have a game night with friends. And even though everything is closed, I’m going to try and treat this like a normal weekend.
So for those that read this I will pose the same questions to you. What have you done during the more difficult times of your infertility in place of prayer? Do you have a set activity, do you try something different each time? Have you found this to be helpful? And to those that do celebrate religious holidays this weekend, I wish you an enjoyable time with family.
If You Don't Stand For Something 
