*just as a warning, this post is about the arrival of my friends baby girl born last night. If anyone is having a particularly hard time right now and may find this sensitive, I will not be offended if you pass by. Do what you have to do, I’ll still be here the next time 🙂 *

Well, I’m an Auntie. I’m not technically an Aunt because she’s not technically my sister and I’m not related to her husband either. But A is one of my best friends and has been since we met in grade 10. I hosted her shower, despite my issues with baby showers since our infertility diagnosis. I love her. Just like I love all my friends, but in many ways shes more than that. Shes like a sister to me. My parents consider her another daughter and treat her as such. But in our group of friends, best friends take on the “Auntie” title. Real aunts take on the Aunt title, but Auntie simply means your an aunt in every aspect but blood.

Love at first sight!

A was due on the 21st. We all assumed that she was going to go early especially considering that she had false labour on May 31st (also mine and Chris’s 9 year dating anniversary). We had a pool which I must announce that my mom won. We all expected her to go early. But the baby held out and showed up 2 days late. It was actually funny, I had messaged A telling her that I was going to the movies with Chris so I expected a text sometime throughout the movie to say that she was on her way to the hospital. Sure enough, we got home from the movie, I changed into my pj’s and curled up in my chair when a text came in “heading to hospital with possible labour”. With her last child she was in labour for 13 hours and had a hard time the whole time, so I figured no baby til morning at least. So I went to bed early for the first time in forever and woke up this morning with a phone call from the mom telling me that baby Norma showed up at 2:55am, 2 hours after she sent me the first text. I promised to be in after quiet time and offered to pick up anything she needs on the way in. Momma is doing great. Sore but far better than last time. One of our mutual friends came with me cause she wanted to see the baby too, plus she wanted to be there as support for me in case it became difficult for me.

But in the end, I had a great time at the hospital. I fell in love with little Norma. She might not have been 24 hours old yet, but I was already head over heels in love with her. I spent most of my visit holding her and catching up with momma, her sister, mother and the friend that came with me.  Soon, the mother in law came in and it was her first time seeing her new grand daughter so friend and I bowed out and went for coffee.

Norma and the blanket I made her.

Friend was severely impressed with how well I was handling myself and asked how I was doing. But when I was talking to her, I mentioned how things changed. Something happened between prepping for the momma’s baby shower and now and things are so much smoother and the baby stuff surrounding her is so much easier on me. When we sat down to have a heart to heart, momma realized just how difficult this was for me. She also realized that I was willing to do this for her, regardless of how hard this was for me. The dynamics changed then. She suddenly put everything in my hands. She told me to do what I have to do for me and my mental health and if that means I can’t go to the shower, or be there after the birth, she understands and there are no bad or hurt feelings. She knows that I can be fine one minute and miserable the next and I don’t have to explain it and she knows its nothing shes done, nor anything she can control. Instead, she just lets me ride it out. When she did that, suddenly the pressure to perform disappeared. The shower (short of the BS with the other host) was a breeze. And dare I say it, I was excited to go see the baby today. I was going to wait til early evening just after supper, but couldn’t wait and went as soon as quiet time was over. Knowing that she knew what it meant for me to go, it gave me strength and it made it easier. She wanted me there, regardless of my infertility, but just as long as it didn’t bring me pain. She’s realizing just how much I care for her because I’m comfortable enough to go, and I know that when I’m there it makes her happy that I can find peace and enjoy myself there. It hurt to have that talk when we did, but it has done wonders for our friendship since.

I could definitely get used to this. I can haz one too?

So all in all, it’s been a great day. I got to meet and welcome one of my best friends beautiful baby girl to the world and for once infertility didn’t interfere. I was able to enjoy the day for what it was. Progress is progress and I’m grateful. The best part of my day (well, other than holding Norma)? When Momma took a picture of Norma with the blanket I made her! Momma packed the blanket I made her in her hospital bag and posted it to show everyone. I was a proud Auntie at that moment!

When I got home, I gotta say, I expected tears or to bottom out emotionally, but it never really came. I’m still here smiling over pictures. Knowing that I will get to spend time with this adorable bundle of joy this summer. I get to be the doting Auntie. When I got home, Chris’s friend came over to visit. I made a nice supper for the three of us. Then we dorked out and watched The Never Ending Story while we played Settlers of Catan (Chris won and properly gloated until his friend left to go home and I put on my earphones to ignore him. Now, I’m off to catch up on my comments for ICLW then its off to bed.

*SIDENOTE: I have full permission of Momma to post the above pictures of precious Norma.*

First, a big welcome to everyone stopping by from ICLW! Stop by and say hi, I really love to meet new blogger friends and reconnect with my other wonderful blogging friends.

In regards to my last post, I’m happy to announce that Chris passed his physical and now we are waiting for his call to go out. According to dad, it seems that they are having trouble at the camp placing people so as soon as additional rooms are ready to hold the planned new hires, they should be sending him out, or possibly sending him to a different camp than the one dad expected him to go to. So now, more waiting. He should’ve left today if they kept to the plan but they didn’t so we wait by the phone until they tell us when his flight is. But I’m enjoying what days I have left with him before the two week rotations start. I still hate the fact that he has to go, I’m going to miss him terribly, but the pros severely outweigh the cons and many of the cons we can live with or adjust to over time. At the end of the day, this is for us. This is for our future. We will make this work.

Earlier this week, Chris brought up the topic of treatments. I prefer it when he starts the discussion because I’m always ready to talk about it but he needs to be ready to talk about it.With the money he will be making soon, we should be able to afford our first round of IVF by the beginning of the new year. We are both happy now that we will finally be able to afford IVF and multiple rounds of it if necessary. But while talking, Chris did raise some concerns. Chris has been dealing with an anxiety disorder since he hit puberty. He has a very real fear that he will pass this onto our children and he simply doesn’t want to put his children through that if he doesn’t have to. I understand this fear, I’ve watched his panic attacks for years. But I’ve also pointed out to him that this isn’t necessarily going to happen for the children or even be as bad if it did. But this was the first real honest discussion we had about donor sperm. We played the what if game. He asked about our options. He asked if we could request characteristics that were close to his own. He asked if I was OK if we had to go down that road. And sure I would love nothing more than to carry my husbands baby and it to have both our DNA. But I would be OK if he decided that he would rather us move forward with donor sperm. I made my peace with this when we were diagnosed because I walked in expecting the worst case scenario. I still want the pregnancy, I’m not ready to give up on that without a fight and deep down I think he knows that that experience is still a very important part to me. Chris was adopted and his mother said something to us over the weekend that solidified my thoughts on this. She told us about the call from the agency and the home visit when they told them that could pick up the baby in a couple of days. She told me, “Kim, when he was put in my arms, it suddenly didn’t matter how he got there. Just that it was meant to be and I knew with every fiber of my being that he was mine.” Over the 3 years of our struggle, this is what I’ve come to embrace. It doesn’t matter how we get there, just that we get there and regardless of what we have to do or whose sperm and egg we may have to use, that child will be ours.

In other infertility related news, I’ve been running into an issue with my local fertility clinic. Chris’s urologist, Dr. G, saw us back in March. Dr. G sees patients through the infertility clinic, but he is not technically staff of that clinic. What that means is that he works there part time while also having his own practice. So he works in the public health care system and also in the private infertility sector. For those not in the know, I’m in Canada so free health care overall but infertility is one of the few that is a private sector and the one bit of health care I’ve had to pay for out of pocket. So because Dr. G technically takes patients in both sectors and also teaches, he has his own office and secretary and only uses the clinic for infertility patients.

When we saw Dr. G back in March, he checked Chris, gave us a full rundown of our options and asked about what testing I’ve had done. After giving my medical history, he asked if I had a list of numerous tests done. I’ve only had some blood work and an internal ultrasound done to this point because my family doctor did not know to send me for anything else. Dr. G said that he would refer me to a local gyno to have those other tests run and to do as much of the pre-workups for IVF as I could down here to cut down on travel. This particular gyno has done this for others in my area but only takes on new patients by referral only. In March, Dr. G gave me her name and told me that he would send off the necessary referral. I was told to give it a month just in case they were overloaded at the time and if I hadn’t heard from their office, then to simply call the gyno’s office and check.

It’s June 20th. I haven’t heard from them. I called at the end of April and their was no referral. I called the clinic, explained what happened and they told me that I have to talk to Dr. G. Dr. G’s secretary told me that because the appointment was at the clinic, the paperwork and referral should be in their files and they need to take care of it. So I call back to the clinic and they tell me that Dr. G made the referral so it has to come from him because there is no paperwork there to show that he ordered a referral for me or under mine or my husband’s name. They tell me it will be taken care of and to check with the gyno in a week to check on the referral. This same routine follows at least another 3 times, each time ending in frustrating calls with the clinic secretary using what power she has to try to get this referral taken care of. Each time I get more frustrated. I stopped calling Dr. G’s office because she claims that she has nothing to do with this and its all on the clinic, plus she’s near impossible to get through to on the phone and as much as I’d like to some days, I’m not driving to Halifax just to bitch her out. I call the clinic again and I’m on a first name basis with the secretary at this point and its always the same girl. She tries to book me an appointment to come in but they require certain testing on my part before I can go in there and I’m not willing to fork over another $165 plus travel expenses (and time off work because they don’t take weekend appointments) just for a piece of paper that should’ve been sent in the first place. At this time, the gyno’s office has checked her files 3 times all the way back to the beginning of March for the referral and promises that she can get me in to see the gyno in about a week as soon as she has the referral papers because she knows how long I’ve been trying to get this appointment and promises to fit me in ASAP, she just needs the referral before she can help.

All this time, months worth of calls, and I have been nothing but friendly and professional on the phone. Today was my breaking point. I call back to the clinic after giving them a week since my last call. I tell them who I am in my opening and the receptionist instantly recognizes my voice. We are chatting like we are old friends at this point. She is shocked and amazed that I have not heard anything yet because she personally faxed off the paperwork, her own notes from our phone calls along with our file, as soon as she got off the phone with me last week. All of my calls have been documented she has faxed off info each time to the office of Dr. G. The last time she called, faxed and put an urgent notice on the top of the fax in hopes of getting it taken care of. She told me to give it a day or two and call back. I gave it an extra week to be sure. She is floored by the fact that nothing is done yet. All I need is Dr. G to confirm that he wanted a referral sent to the gyno saying do test x,y and z and sign his name. Finally my finely crafted wall of professionalism breaks before I can get off the phone. While the secretary is apologizing for the 20+ time since March, I break. Before I can stop myself I started crying and said, “I’ve had enough. Why can’t I get a break? I spent 3 years fighting with doctors to convince them that there was something wrong and we needed to be referred to you guys and now I’ve spent months getting the run around between your office and Dr. G’s office because of an error with the notes in our file. I just feel like giving up, maybe we just aren’t meant to have children and this is the universe saying its time to give up.” The secretary was trying to do anything and everything in her power to console me. I didn’t want to be that person on the phone, I hated showing my weakness and frustration. She asked if she could make some phone calls and call me right back because she wanted this fixed now. So she let me go, asking and pleading with me to not give up. She tried herself to get through to Dr. G. She couldn’t get through but she did call me right back. She faxed over the files, what I told her on the phone, all the documented calls and even made note that at this point I am incredibly upset and told me that she would confirm it in the morning and wouldn’t stop til she got through to Dr. G. And if that didn’t work, she would pass on my file to one of the other doctors on staff at the clinic because if she couldn’t make any headway, Dr. G would jump at the request if it was made from one of the other doctors.

Before I got off the phone with her, I thanked her for her help and she told me that her heart broke for me and what I’m being forced to go through and that if she had anything to do with this, it would be fixed and we would move forward and get our chance. She genuinely cared and was doing what she could in her limited power to help. From what I’ve been told, this isn’t the first incident with Dr. G’s office but this may be what they need to finally be able to fix things in their office and with protocol to make things run more smoothly. Part of this makes me want to up and go to another clinic, but its really not their fault. The fault seems to be on Dr. G and his office and they are simply the ones dealing with the fallout. This issue has shown a clear fault with their system that needs to be addressed. The other downside is that this is the only clinic in all of Nova Scotia and they also service all of Newfoundland on top of it. I think the next closest clinic is in New Brunswick and right now, I don’t want to travel that far for treatments. Plus at least in Halifax, we have family we can stay with when we need to travel for treatments. We don’t really have that option for New Brunswick. We have family up there, but none that I know well enough/feel comfortable enough to 1. ask if we can stay with them for more than a couple of days at a time or 2. be comfortable enough to be around during the thick of treatment. With the people we stayed with in March, they understand. They’ve been through multiple miscarriages, they know (at least on some level) what we are facing emotionally and they don’t make us feel like guests. They welcome us into their home knowing what we are going through and would be insulted if we didn’t stay with them. But if the problems persist, we may be left no other option and that leaves me very sad.

This whole incident has just left me so frustrated. When we first went to Halifax I had such high hopes. I finally thought that for once, people would listen to us, they would understand and things would move smoothly just this once. That the battle with doctors was finally over. Who knew that I would be fighting with them just so that I could come back to Cape Breton for part of the work up? We just want to get pregnant and have a baby. We are not looking to cause a war or solve world peace. It shouldn’t be this difficult. This simply shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. Can we please get a break?

~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE: I woke up this morning to a phone call from Dr. G’s office. She apologized for all the stress that this has been causing me. She told me that Dr. G has an appointment at the clinic a week from today and she has faxed over the request for our files to be ready at the clinic when he gets there. He will write the referral and the clinic will fax it out immediately. I thanked her and she told me to call to confirm it was done next Thursday and if its not, she will sit in his office til he fills it out. By the time I got to work, the office phone rang and it was the wonderful secretary who helped me over the past couple of weeks. She seen the fax as soon as she got in and wanted to call to confirm I knew what was going on. She actually cheered on the phone with me when I told her that the other office called me and gave me a timeline and she was so happy that I finally got the answers I needed and wanted. She promised to call me as soon as it was faxed and wished me the best of luck.

I really am grateful for that wonderful secretary. I’m tempted to get a small something for the secretarial staff and a thank you card and send it to her. She really did go beyond what her job is and I’m incredibly grateful. Or maybe when I go up for my next appointment when we start treatment, I’ll go to my favorite cupcake place and buy them some cupcakes as a thank you. What says thank you, you’re a sweetheart than fresh baked cupcakes?

You wanna know what’s incredibly annoying?

Here’s the setting…I’m at my mom’s doing my work. I finished up and decided to get another episode or two of Game of Thrones under my belt (I just finished episode 9 of season 1!) because mom has HBO on demand. 15 minutes before episode 9 is over my mom walks in followed by Chris a few minutes later. I tell mom that the show is almost over then she can have the TV back. Shes fine with this but then asks me a new question every 15-30 seconds (Who’s that? Why are they doing that? What does he have to do with her?) I get frustrated, ask her to either wait til I pause it and tell her or shut up and let me finish watching it. My mother does this all the time, asks questions about what I’m watching thinking that I know what’s happening more than her even though we are both watching for the first time. It’s frustrating. And if anyone has watched this show, they know what happens in the 9th episode. Mom finally shuts up, I’m trying to watch the conclusion of the episode (the OMG! part of the episode) and Chris walks in just to get mad at me because I am watching ahead of (and without) him. Though to be fair I’ve been asking him to sit down and watch these episodes with me for a week and a half but hes been too busy playing Diablo III. Then both of them wondered why I suddenly snapped, yelled at both of them and then lashed out my anger on the poor, unsuspecting food I was making for supper for the 3 of us. That poor chicken never had a chance…

That was last week. This have, thankfully, gotten less frustrating since then.

But that’s not the real reason for posting. My reason for posting is that things are changing in our life over the next couple of weeks. No baby yet, but my husband accepted an apprenticing job and is getting indentured as an electrician.It’s great news in a way because his pay per hour will jump from 12-13 bucks to 30 bucks an hour starting out. But the downside? It’s camp work so hes going to have to travel, away from me, regularly to be able to make this money.

Chris finally broke down and admitted that we simply cannot afford treatments with our current income. We simply don’t make enough money to be able to pay all our bills and still save for IVF and be able to afford just one round before I hit 35. So my father made the offer. He offered to get my husband indentured in the electrical trade and have him work in Alberta in the oil sands with him, my brother and my cousin. He would join my father and cousin on rotations and work 2 weeks on with one week off. We tried not to do this because who really wants to be separated from their spouse any longer than they have to? Who wants to spend two weeks at a time talking to their husband via phone and chat? Who wants to sleep without their husband? Who’s going to clean the litter box for me cause I just don’t do the litter box? (seriously, I love my cats, but gag when I have to do the litter. When Chris broke his ankle, we fought more about the litter than anything else.)

So Chris applied. Dad got his name and resumes on the right desks.And while he already had his urine test and everything but his physical (he has to get clearance from the surgeon that fixed his ankle before they will let him do the physical), we are now in a standstill waiting for him to go. I go from hating to loving it. The perks are there. More money. A LOT of money with the chance of more money the longer he is out there. Starting out his hourly wage more than double any job he will get around here. They will cover his travel expenses, food and lodging. His entire pay is take home. If we put away half of each of his pays, we can pay for our first round of IVF by Christmas. If he has to stay out there for his 8 weeks of schooling for each level of his electrical apprenticeship, we can afford for me to go out there with his for a week or two. We still get to live close to our family and friends. This isn’t the first time we’ve done this, but this rotation is much shorter.

But the down parts are there. Chris is away for 2 weeks at a time. I have to sleep without him. This lowers our chances of getting pregnant naturally while saving up for IVF. I’m in the apartment by myself. He may miss birthdays (depending on his schedule, he might even miss my 30th birthday), special holidays or anniversaries, though when your father and brother both do this work in this manner, you become accustomed to them missing important events. I will have to use my girlfriends as dates for family weddings and parties. Wait on his call every night. Worry about travel in bad weather. Worry about safety on the job (even if he is working under my father out there, the worry is always there). And did I mention the sleeping without him? I really don’t want to sleep without him, I don’t sleep well when he’s not with me.

But I have to weigh it all. If we do this, we can fight as long as we need to be parents. We can bank and do treatments and still have a nest egg so that if IVF fails and we move onto adoption, we haven’t spent all our money. We’ve lived comfortably to this point with the small money we have coming in, so as long as we keep living this way, we can bank more. Plus when I do get pregnant, he won’t miss out on that first year. I work for my dad so while I will obviously take time off right around the time I’d be due to deliver and while I heal post delivery, I have every intention of going directly back to work as soon as I can. Plus working from my parent’s home makes work and giving my child over to my mother in the other room easier than a normal job. I will give up my employment insurance and let Chris take full family leave. One of the perks to living in Canada is that you get a full year of maternity leave from work where you claim maternity leave from Employment Insurance. If you do not use your leave, your spouse is able to claim it and they can take the leave in your place. You don’t get paid full wages, but its longer. This would keep my husband home for a year after our future baby would be born. At that time, hopefully, he can find something closer to home with his trade. If not, we transition into him traveling again.

We’ve spent days discussing this into the early mornings. As much as we both hate the idea of being apart, we can’t help but embrace this for the time being. We will adjust to this, we will get through this like we have gotten through everything else. I don’t fear our relationship falling apart because our relationship has always had a strength to it that never yields and only grows over time. It seems that the harder things get for us, the more that we are tested, the stronger our relationship has become. May 31st marked our 9th year together and it still feels like this is the beginning of an amazing ride that I never want to get off, regardless of all the high highs and low lows. So we’re doing this. We’re pushing through this. And to those that read often, I apologize now if his absence changes the feel of my posts and how I update. There will be an adjustment period and I fear that all adjustments will be vented here.

Otherwise, this has been the extent of my life lately. This decision has affected all parts of our life as of late. We are spending as much time together as we can, and when I’m not, I’m either working or spending time catching up with friends and enjoying the few nice days that we’ve had so far. I suffered from a bit of an emotional breakdown just before this all came up concerning infertility, my friends openly admitting they were worried about me and the stresses of lack of funds but since we made this decision, everything has been easier and dare I say, better. My friends pregnancy is much easier on me and I even started a pool with some mutual friends for when she goes in labour because she is going to go early. I’ve been less depressed and more light, happy and cheerful overall. I want to hang onto this feeling for as long as I can. It makes everything so much more tolerable.

I’ve had all of you in my thoughts lately. I hope everyone is doing well. My finger still hurts so I don’t find myself commenting as much, but if I normally comment and I haven’t lately, know that I’m still reading. I actually started writing this post a few days ago and had to take breaks when my finger started to hurt. It’s so annoying that its one of my pointer fingers, because it affects everything I do, especially anything online. For now, I’m off to watch more of Game of Thrones season 2. Chris and I powered through 5 episodes yesterday and he’s waiting on me to move on. Love and hugs to you all!