An Emotional Breakdown For One

Posted on August 26, 2012 by imfluffyowl

So, first my apologies for lack of replies and commenting so far this ICLW. I swear I have a decent reason and I will catch up. But it doesn’t take away my feelings of guilt. I’m always hard on myself and this is no exception. But first I would like to pass along my thanks to everyone who stopped by (both new and regulars) to wish us luck and tell me that I was in their thoughts as we adjust to Chris working away. Sometimes when its a bad day and I’m really missing him, I read those comments and it cheers me up. So all my love and thanks! Now that that’s out of the way, I can fill you in on the drama and emotional aspects of the past couple of days. It’s been a long couple of days and I honestly need to vent.

Chris flew out of Sydney on Tuesday morning at 6am. He ended up spending almost 16 hours traveling between flights, layovers and the bus ride up to camp. Orientation went really well. While I seem to be fine during the day, night is tough on me. Sleep is hard to find and even once I find it, I find myself waking and looking for him in my haze of sleep. I’m a mover in my sleep, always have been. I toss and turn all night but generally sleep through it now. After we moved in together, Chris quickly adjusted to my sleep movements and now sleeps through it as well. During the night I tend to turn into him and hitch my leg over his and more or less curl up either into his side or his back (depending on how he’s sleeping). So now that I’m sleeping alone, I’m not used to him not sleeping with me. So when I turn in my sleep and try to hitch my leg over him, I wake up in a start. Being half asleep, I’m confused and looking for him. Once I realize that he’s not there, I’m awake enough and aware enough that its hard to get back to sleep so then I simply go through the process of falling asleep again. I should note that when I would stay at my parents for the weekend to pet sit, I always slept on the couch for this reason and Chris would also sleep on the couch at home. Clearly we just don’t sleep well without each other. Chris and I will be together a decade at the end of May 2013, so its no surprise that we are struggling with this. Otherwise, we are happily making use of skype and have video chat dates every night. Seeing him but being unable to touch him makes it hard. I cry a bit, but not as much as I expected.

During Chris’s first full shift, he tripped on something, fell and tore the tendon in his bad ankle. He called me from the on site hospital pretty upset. He felt like a failure. He was really struggling with the hard manual labor, and he didn’t know if they would send him home or not. He let down my father on his first damn shift. My father, the man that called in favors to get him out there. If they sent him home, we would lose our chance at treatment. We cannot raise funds for treatment with a job around here. So cue my complete mental and emotional breakdown. I called off from work, broke plans to go to my aunt’s party, went into a social media blackout and refused to answer my phone. I hit a deep depression, stayed in bed all day, cried and more or less let myself bottom out and face every single fear that crossed my mind. I even forgot to eat. I didn’t get out of bed or dressed until I had to go to a bank machine at about 8:30pm. Then I ordered myself a small pizza and pigged out while watching movies. I gave myself the day to deal with the pain and told myself that I would come back to the world and move past it after 24 hours. My pain was valid, I needed to take time to embrace it and then let myself move forward.

The next day, I woke up to a call from my husband. The company is considering it an occupational accident so therefore as long as he can work, they cannot give him a layoff and if they did, we have a workman’s compensation claim that they would have to pay out. He’s currently resting his ankle and they moved him into the office to do office work and said that he can stay there til he is healed and they will transition him back into manual labor. Chris was happy with this, as was I and he was happy to stay in the office as long as they would have him. While in the office today, the girl that was doing the job that he is doing now left for another job and they offered him the job in office for as long as he wants. There is at least a year of work for him with this stuff and they are willing to pay him at the rate he was originally hired for. This could lead to more office work out there after this because in these jobs, its all about getting your foot in the door. After that, you prove yourself and if you make an impression, they will call you back for more work instead of hiring someone new and having to train them.

Then of course, in between when Chris left and when all this shit hit the fan, my grandmother was talking to my mom. My uncle’s brain tumor has left my grandparents worried (understandably) and my grandmother wants to go up and see her son before his condition worsens. She wants to see him for herself. I get that, I would be the same way. My grandfather does not want to travel. It’s too hard on him with his health the way that it is. So my grandmother happily announces to my mother that one of my other uncles are suppose to drive her the couple of provinces over to see her son. When my mother inquired as to who would stay with poppy, she responded with, “well since Chris is gone away now, Kim will stay with poppy.” Ummmm what the hell? Where did this come from? I love my grandparents. I love being able to help out where I can because I know my time with both of them is limited. But this? Is too far. I was not asked. I wasn’t even told by Gram. It was simply assumed. It doesn’t matter that I have cats that need to be fed and a litter to be cleaned regularly and if I’m not home, I have to make arrangements for someone to stay with them while I’m gone. It doesn’t matter that my main communication with my husband is via video chat on Skype and they have no internet connection for me to use. It also doesn’t help that poppy will not let me help wash him, but I get that, the man still wants to hold onto whatever independence and dignity that he has left and his granddaughter washing him takes what last shreds he has left. Needless to say, my mom and dad, one of my cousins and one of my aunts all agreed that while they are grateful for my help, this is not my responsibility and it shouldn’t be. So now my family is trying to deal with this while I deal with my husband being away.

So regardless of my breakdown because of his accident and all that we would possibly miss out on because of it and my grandmother’s antics, everything seemed to work itself out and give us something better than we had. Chris loves this new job, is moved to day shift and gets to avoid heavy labor. After our talk this morning, I was back to my old self again. I bounced back to myself. I was happy and ready to enjoy the day. I went for my hair appointment, went for a drive with my mom and then hung out with some of my girlfriends this evening. Then I came home to a video date with Chris and I reorganized the living room, did some laundry, and started reorganizing the rest of the apartment too. So 48 hours and I go from extreme low to extreme high. Maybe now I can even out and enjoy the happy middle while I wait for my husband to fly home on the day of our 3rd wedding anniversary.

I hope that everyone is having a better week than what I was having. I hope to get caught up on ICLW tomorrow. As for now, I’m off to get a hot shower and crawl into bed with a movie and drift off to dreamland dreaming of the moment when hubby is back in my arms again.

August ICLW!

Posted on August 21, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Greetings to everyone stopping by for ICLW!

For those stopping by, I thought I would recap the past month and give a little intro and update of sorts.

Hi, my name is Kimberly.I’m 29, married to Chris, 30. We live in Nova Scotia Canada on a little island called Cape Breton. We are dealing with Male Factor Infertility (low sperm count) and we’ve been trying to conceive for almost 3.5 years.

My husband just accepted a job in Alberta as an electrical apprentice. I’m staying in Cape Breton and hubby is flying in a 2 and 1 rotation. Work flies him out, he works and lives in camp at the Kearl Lake oil sands and he works 2 weeks then work flies him home for 1 week. Chris actually left this morning for his first rotation and we will enter into this rotation for the first year til he has the hours he needs for the next level of courses for his electrical trade. Then he comes home for his schooling, writes his test and starts this all over again. It was a hard decision to come to, but the cost of living here vs. the cost of living out there makes this particular arrangement the most beneficial to us for our future. We need to save for our first rounds of fertility treatment and if he worked home, it would take us years to save for one shot, whereas if he works out there, we can afford our first round of treatment as early as January.

While I know many people locally who are in this sort of situation, I always welcome other people who are in a similar situation to stop by and say hi.

Otherwise, we are dealing with our hottest and most humid summer in years. And while I LOVE the heat and sun and days spent at the beach, the humidity is slowly killing me.

I’m an office manager for my father’s company. But in my spare time, I’m a baker (for fun), cupcake loving, crafter, movie marathon, video and board game loving geek. I can easily get lost in a craft store and I always spend far too much when I’m there.

We are about to become first time home owners. We are taking over my childhood home because my parents are building a new house. We should be moved in by the beginning of November so we are very excited for that.

Otherwise, this has been the extent of our life right now. I’m always welcoming of new readers. Right now, my posts will most likely rotate between everyday life, infertility and dealing with my husbands new job an adjusting to the time apart.

Thanks for stopping by!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Posted on August 19, 2012 by imfluffyowl

We’re going way back here. Do you remember the movie Armageddon? Now, I might age myself here, but the year was 1998 and I was 16. It starred Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. It had a hit song by Aerosmith, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing“. But it also had another song that seen some popularity. It was a remake of a John Denver song, “Leaving On A Jet Plane” and it was sung by Canadian artist Chantal Kreviazuk.

Back before we got married, my husband went out west to work in the camps for his trade of metal fabrication. It was a month there, one week home. I hated seeing him leave, but at the time this was the best way. And when he left, this song sort of became my anthem. Because he was one of the last in that rotation to be hired and the fact that they over hired, he was one of the first to be laid off at the end of his first rotation. When he came back home, he decided not to go back out and got a decent job at home.But even now, when I randomly hear this song, those feelings of him getting on that plane resurface.

Fast forward to last month when my dad got my husband indentured in the electrical trade. Then fast forward again to yesterday when he got the call I was both excited for and dreading. It’s official. He got his flight information and he flies out first thing Tuesday morning. We’ve been waiting for this for almost 2 months at this point and now hes leaving and I have to convince my heart that we made the right decision.

Here’s the thing, we need money for treatments. With both of us working jobs around here, it would take us years just to save for one round of IVF and I would be well into advanced maternal age before we could give it our first try. With Chris accepting the job in Alberta, his starting wage as a first year electrician is more than double what he is making here and the further he goes with his schooling and moves up in the trade blocks, the more money he will make. We can finally take care of ourselves comfortably, afford as many treatments as necessary to get our end goal of children, start a savings and college funds for our children before they even make their appearance in our life and maybe even enjoy some traveling.

But the down parts remain. For every 3 weeks we have together, 2 of them will be spent apart. And by apart, I literally mean on opposite ends of the country. My heart aches at the mere thought of sleeping without him. My best sleep has always been curled up to him. Our conversations will have to happen over a skype video chat. Then of course are the things that he will miss. Birthdays, anniversaries and important dates and get togethers. Right now, the day of our 3 year wedding anniversary, he will be spending the entire day traveling home to me. And he will be flying out on the morning of my 30th birthday. Talk about shitty huh? And so far, hes also missing Thanksgiving and Halloween. On top of that, I will be the one overseeing the packing and moving into our home in late October. I will have to rely on the help of family and friends to paint and unpack.

Then of course, what happens when we do get pregnant? I will spend most of my pregnancy alone. Then of course, infertility was the final nail in the coffin for this decision. We needed money for treatment and now he will have to work away once we finally have what we aimed for. Thankfully, we live close to both sets of parents so I’m not alone alone, but my partner, my love, will be spending most of his time watching from afar through a computer. Mind you once I finally give birth, I will give up my maternity leave and give it to Chris, let him take the year off so that he doesn’t miss out, so I can have him home for an extended time. There are perks to being Canadian and the year of maternity leave that can be used by either spouse is one of the best perks. But what about after that year? That part scares me.

So while in many ways it seems like an easy choice to make, its not. It comes at a cost. I’ve been asked why we don’t both just up and relocate, but it becomes redundant. Cost of living here is infinitely cheaper and relocating out there would put us in the same money situation that we are in now with no hope of banking money at a fast rate for treatment. By doing camp work, they pay your way up and back, you live on site so everything you make is take home. There are no costs to the worker, money wise, to this sort of job. Regardless, the emotional costs are high and I only hope that we can handle this.When Chris got his call, I jumped from excited to petrified more often that I could possibly count. From certainty that we could do this to sheer fear that we couldn’t handle it.

I wish I could share my fears, have someone talk me down from the emotional ledge I find myself on every couple of hours. My mother has been living this life for 13 years and while her words are comforting to an extent, I just wish I could fast forward to a point where I could be comfortable with it, like my mother.

So on Tuesday morning while I say goodbye to my husband for two weeks and watch him board that plane, Leaving On A Jet Plane will be playing on repeat in my mind.

We can do this. Yes. I’m certain of it.

…Right?

Friday’s Letters

Posted on August 17, 2012 by imfluffyowl

One of my blogger friends, Vicki over at Live In My Heart, has been taking part in the weekly Friday Letters. The point of Friday Letters is to write letters to random people or inanimate objects. To vent or praise. More or less whatever you want it to be. So I’m jumping in.

Dear Humidity, Ok, we get it, you are a total bad ass. I also get that everyone as a whole in Cape Breton has been crying for a warm summer, especially after last years lack of one. But we can handle the heat fine if it weren’t for you. The humidity is always around 80-85% and its making it difficult to do things like…live. I’m getting sick of eating take out because its too warm to cook.

Dear Summer, If you are are gonna be so warm, muggy and humid at least give us sun instead of overcast. I don’t do the beach on overcast days. Sun = beach. I wanna go back out to Kennington Cove soon. Please?

Dear Thunder and Lightning, I love you. We need to meet more. I will forgive you for scaring the shit out of my poor Abigail if you will just show up and give us the good storm that the weather network is telling us we were suppose to have 3 times already this week. If you show up and give it a good go at things, maybe it will break up that humidity a bit and give us all a break.

Dear Sex, It’s been too warm for you to actually happen. I miss you. And if my other participant in my sexy fun times is leaving early next week, I want to have you (and a really good you) at least one more time before hubby leaves.

Dear Period, You are late. If this is a mean joke and you are in fact just late like I suspect you are, we need to have words. But if it’s late for another reason, I will love you forever and always. But my best guess is you will wait til it cools down, hubby and I finally feel like sex and you will show your ugly face and make me wait til Chris is home again for sex. I’ve sorta given up on sex and timed intercourse ever giving us a pregnancy. Ah the life of an infertile dealing with very low sperm count…

Dear Family BBQ, I’m so glad that you are here for the BBQ tonight. Steak, baked potatoes, and all the fixins, yummmm. It’s so great that you are all down to see Mike while he is home. I miss having the whole family together. Hell, even hubby is coming over.

Dear Kitties, I really hate the whole waking up to puke on the floor. Is it possible to train you to just puke in the litter box? It would stop me from gagging.

Dear Tennis on TV, I hate you. I especially hate that I have to watch you whether mom is in the room or not, or face the wrath of mom.

Dear Mom and Dad’s New Home, Please quickly finish building yourself. I want to move into our home and you are hindering that. It can’t seem to get close enough, fast enough. If I could start painting now, I would.

Dear Next Summer, I wish you were here now. If you were, I’d be floating in my parent’s pool with my friends with BBQ on the go and finishing off each night with a bonfire in the back yard.

Dear Star Wars DVD’s that Mike and I are watching, This is one of the few things that me and my brother will happily bond over. Since my brother is so quiet and keeps to himself, I’m grateful for the little things that bring us closer.

Welcome Back Home, Bro!

Posted on August 15, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Duke impatiently waiting for Mike.

Today was wonderful.

My brother has been living away from home for the past 3+ years. He’s an electrician and lives in Edmonton now when he is not actually in camp working. This past Christmas, my brother was unable to get home and our family is not used to that. Dad worked Christmas one year and that Christmas was a complete write off, it didn’t even feel like Christmas. So at the end of the day, we always make sure that we are all together for Christmas. While myself and my brother are not the closest of siblings, we still get along. I love him, its just that we don’t have the personalities that blend well with each other. Because of him not being home for Christmas, we actually haven’t seen him in over a year. The last time he was home it was only for a couple of days because he missed mom and wanted to surprise her. He flew home on a Friday and went home late Sunday.

Happy Mom and Mike (rocking the 70’s porn look)

Mike flew in this evening and is home for just under a week. I went over for work today and just ended up staying to go for the drive to the airport to pick him up. My mother could barely contain herself. At the airport, she was pacing, her and the dogs excitement level was on high alert. Every time we said my brother’s name, the dog would jump up, run to the doors and windows and start barking and whining for him. Then when Mike walked into the airport, my mom all but jumped into his arms. Her baby was home and the family was whole once again. After mom finally stopped hugging him, we drove back home so Mike could drop off his luggage and dad could change before we went out for supper. As soon as the dog seen my brother, the dog literally tried to jump through the window and screen to get to him. I’ve never seen a dog so happy and so determined to get to someone.

After the dog settled down, we went out for wing night at the local bar and Chris joined us. It was so nice for everyone I love going out together and just enjoying ourselves. Good food, good company and sub par live music. After wings, Mike stayed at the bar with some friends he ran into while the rest of us went home. Duke was very upset that we didn’t bring Mike back with us and kept walking between the windows and doors looking for him. I have a feeling that Duke may sleep on top of Mike tonight. Normally, I’m Duke’s favorite, but this week, I don’t mind being second fiddle.

He’s very sad that Mike didn’t come back with us.

Later this week, we are having a BBQ for Mike. His birthday was in March an we never got to celebrate it so we are sorta doing that now. The grandparents, some cousins and some friends are coming down for BBQ and I’m going to make a cake.

Otherwise, this has been the extent of my life over the past couple of days. Chris got his call, he went and did his physical again, and passed again. His indenturing papers came in and now we are just waiting for them to call with his flight info. Dad suspects that if hes not gone by the end of this week, he should be gone by mid-week next week. I have a love/hate relationship with this because he will finally be gone. Gone for 2 of every 3 weeks. I will miss him terribly but him going out there is our only real chance at affording fertility treatments. So right now, hurting or not, we are just keeping our eye on the prize.

We are also in the middle of a heatwave and the hottest summer in years. The grass is brown its been so dry. We are in desperate need of rain and a thunderstorm and my dad is home. Work on my parents new home is going well. The bottom part of the basement was poured a couple of days ago and they are about to start the walls of the basement. The house is ready for transport now so as soon as we get the OK from the guy doing the basement, the house is transported down in parts and then they finish assembly. Four to six weeks after the house is on the land, they should be able to move in. Then of course after that, we’ll be taking 2 weeks to paint the house they are moving out of before we move into it (it’s my childhood home) and then we become official home owners. So really when you look at my life now, it can be summed up with “hurry up and wait” (much like our infertility journey thus far).

I hope everyone is doing well. For now, I’m off to get a cold shower and then chill and get caught up on what I missed of season 2 of Necessary Roughness.

My First Blogoversary!

Posted on August 12, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Wow, a whole year.

One year ago, I made the official transition out of livejournal and into blogger and I gave myself a new home with a new name. I went public and decided I needed a place that met my needs as a blogger. I never expected what was to follow. I never expected to find the support that I found. I quickly found my footing, found a group of bloggers who understood our struggles with infertility and made some amazing friends in the process. I found a community who welcomed me and gave me courage along with helping me move forward and find my voice.

I always say that I am a generalist blogger who writes about my life but I can also be categorized as an infertility blogger. I’ve learned to embrace the two and found support from readers who accept me as both. In the past year; I’ve gained readers, joined groups, commenting events, wrote my 100th post, and I’m proud to admit that I’m about to hit the 10,000 views mark. When I started writing, it was for me. To help me sort out my feelings. I never once expected more than a couple of people to stumble across my blog. 10,000 views? That was a dream. Maybe one day I would hit that mark. It was something long term that I never really put thought into other than it would be nice, I would know that people out there are reading. I didn’t start this blog to get views and comments, so this blows my mind.

But reading you are. And whether you stop by just to lurk and read or you stop by and say hi while you are at it, I am grateful for all of you. I’m grateful for this place, that I found enough comfort to post and be myself. I feel like the little blogger that could. And maybe 10,000 views is a slow day for some bloggers, but for me, I’m speechless. Bloggers I look up to in this community have read and commented. I feel strength when I’m here.

So, whats next for this blog?

I’m going to keep writing. Keep commenting, taking part in events and groups. I’m going to continue our struggle to become parents. And when we finally get that BFP? Well, then my blog with grow to meet my needs. I will still be Kimberly, blogger, infertile, life blogger. Infertility is part of my life and always will be but regardless of where life takes me, I will be here posting about my life. I may lose readers and gain others, but steadfast I’ll be. Just like I write about IF now, I will write about pregnancy, children and my life as it happens.

It’s been an amazing year. We’ve had our ups and downs but this blog was here through it all and it will continue to be here. Here’s to many more blogoversaries shared with friends and readers I love. ❤

I’m Still Here

Posted on August 5, 2012 by imfluffyowl

I tried to play catch up over the past couple of days, I really did. I’m still trying so to the bloggers who I always stop by and comment on, my apologies. I miss you guys and swear to get back on the blogger train soon.

First, my thanks for all the well wishes, prayers and good vibes sent to my friend, uncle and the condolences for my cousin.

Second, I’ve been keeping busy this week. I’ve been extra exhausted and spent most of yesterday asleep. Seriously, slept all night, got up for a few hours and slept another 4 hours before we joined our friends for swimming and a campfire at a local campground.

Today was the funeral. They didn’t wake him (or as I’ve heard others call it, “calling hours”). The mother did that 7 years ago with her husband and just decided it was too hard to handle. The church was packed and it was a very sad day. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the entire church and the mother had to be held up by her two remaining sons as they walked in to take their seats. My heart broke for that family today. Afterwards, she did what she thought my cousin would want, she had a house gathering at her home, invited everyone at the church and had it catered. Gordie wasn’t one for fancy official events and honestly? This is how he would’ve wanted it.

Today has also been one of our record highs, temperature wise and it took all the power in the world not to rip my shirt off on the drive home, driving in just my bra be damned. To break out of the funk of the morning, Chris and I joined some friends for an afternoon at the beach. I was suppose to go back over to join them for a bonfire, but the second I got out of the shower, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. So much so, that I’m calling it an early night and going to bed at 9:15.

To my ladies, I swear I’m still here. But just not right now. For now, its bedtime.