A Plea Filled Letter

Posted on October 31, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Dear Starbucks,

This mad love affair needs to end. Our current arrangement is simply not working out for me. We need to make more time for each other or there is simply no “us” anymore.

You never come to me first. Instead, I must travel to you and then sneak off for quiet time alone. You make others wait for me, question my real reason for visiting and I’m still left feeling like we spent no time together. Your pretty green sign always catches my eye. You dazzle me with fancy names, baristas, and unique to you frappachinos in all those wonderful flavours that I love so much. (Oh caramel, pumpkin spice and chocolate chip, how I love thee!!)

Even though I don’t drink coffee, you hooked me and dragged me in with flavorful options. My first real taste of heaven was your vanilla chai latte on a trip with friends to Halifax. You were nestled into a beautiful Chapters bookstore and I could sit and read while I enjoyed my non-coffee beverage. You had me at vanilla-chai and bookstore! Then I travelled home lamenting the separation that came too soon knowing that there was none of you where I was traveling back to.

Then once a year or so when I made the trek from Cape Breton to the mainland, I always looked forward to our visit. It was like scratching an itch. Like when you have an itch in the middle of your back that you simply can’t reach and then your spouse comes up and scratches it for you without asking. Or that moment of joy that comes with taking your bra off for the night. That blissed out feeling. I knew it was simply a matter of time and we would be together again and I could enjoy your wonderful caffeinated beverages again.

I always wished that you would come to Cape Breton. Then one day, you told me that you were thinking of coming here, permanently, setting up office here, bringing your sweet caffeinated beverages here for me to enjoy whenever I wanted!! I was so excited. Oh the possibilities! I didn’t care where on the island, just as long as you came closer to me! I would travel short distances for you. But then, the talk stopped as soon as it started and I was sad. Even the rumors died off. So very sad.

Was it something I said or did? I can change, I swear! I can be what you want. I would share you with the rest of the island. I’m not greedy. Just…think about it, OK? Give us a second chance. Cape Bretoners deserve to enjoy your greatness just as much as everywhere else. I love where I live and most times I wouldn’t change anything, except maybe, for you. Maybe some other new stores too, a few new restaurants, more sushi places and “new food options”. But I’ll settle for you if that’s all you can do right now.

Sincerely,
Your Cape Breton Lover

Friday’s Letters During ICLW

Posted on October 27, 2012 by imfluffyowl

To my IF and ICLW peeps, If you are interested in taking part in Friday’s Letters, please click on the image above to read more about it and join in. Cheers!

Dear ICLW peeps,

I love you. Seriously. As much as someone can love people that I’ve never met in real life. You are the nicest and most supportive group of gals that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I’ve already added a handful of blogs to my reader because you are kind, fascinate me, your blogs draw me in and I want to provide support as well. Your comments help me get my ass in gear and comment back, which I know is my weakness. The pressure I feel is the good kind.

Dear Newly Pregnant Infertility Bloggers,

To Keiko, Emily, and Theresa in particular. I know I haven’t congratulated you all personally yet, but I’ve been a bit stuck in my own head. That’s not your fault and its not that I’m not over the moon happy for you, because I am (I cried happy tears for each of you). But when I went to write, the words wouldn’t come. I just want to give you a special shout out because I’m so very happy for you and I need you to know that. I love you guys! ❤

Dear Cape Breton,

I dislike the bitter cold that comes with fall and the fact that it stays til late spring, but then the leaves start changing color and I forget how beautiful you can be when fall arrives. It also makes me miss the Cabot Trail. Me and Chris should do a road trip before all the leaves fall off the trees…

The Cabot Train in Fall. Seriously, can this get any more gorgeous?

Dear AART (my fertility clinic),

Our appointment is coming up. I’m getting a little excited and scared at the same time. My paper work came in yesterday. Six page questionnaire each for me and Chris (also color coded blue and pink) plus specific instructions for Chris for his semen analysis. I also found it amusing that you highlighted the cost of the analysis like I didn’t know how much it costs. I’m well aware of the $250 charge to do the semen analysis. I also find it funny that you charge for this where if we “dropped off” Chris’s semen to any other location, they would look at us in disgust, yet you find a need to charge us for it. (go ahead, do the mental image…I’ll wait).

Dear Chris,

If you could convince yourself to come out of this mental depression soon, it would be great. I hate seeing you so low and down in the dumps. I miss fun and easy going Chris. I know you just need time and understanding, but time and understanding is always a given, I just feel useless when there is nothing I can possibly do to make it better. I love you.

Dear Little Black Ballet Flats,

I took a chance and wore you to Brownies last night instead of my Toms because you went with my costume. BAD IDEA. By the end of the night I had to change back to my Toms that were in my car because my feet were killing me. By the time I got home, I could barely move because of the pain in my ankles and knees. This morning, I woke up with a sore lower back and movement was minimal. People think that they don’t need proper support in shoes. If they actually think that, they are wrong. I’m still in pain but thanks to pain killers and heat, the pain in finally going away. I’ve now given complete permission to anyone who knows me to kick my ass if I try to wear them again.

Dear Summer,

I miss you so much already. Come back soon? ❤

Dear Brownies,

There were 18 of you all hopped up on piles of candy last night. Thank you for the fun night of food and crafts. Your costumes were so creative and fun. I never expected to have this much fun as a leader. I also never expected to feel so comfortable in the leader role already. I only hope that you can take something positive away from Brownies and our work with you as well.

Dear Sleep,

I’m quite looking forward to you tonight. It’s been a long week and as much as I’m hoping all this sneezing is allergies, I fear it is not and I’m coming down with something terrible.

October ICLW!

Posted on October 22, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Hello and greetings to everyone stopping by for ICLW! I’m a day late with this post but lets just pretend I was on time, k? While this is not my first ICLW, it is my first ICLW from this blog. For anyone new to my blog, here are some basics:

I’m Kim.
29.
TTC for just over 3.5 years with my husband of 3 years, Chris.
Chris and I will be together for 10 years on May 31st of 2013.
We are about to be first time home owners when we move into my childhood home next month.
I’m a crafter.
I’m a geek, married to the king of geeks.
I love Halloween and Christmas.
I formally blogged over at blogger under the same blogging name.
I was forced to move my blog to a more secure site after some unnecessary family drama.
The posts on here with password protection are only set up to keep that family out and to cut out the drama, the password protection is not to keep you out. Its more to hide family sensitive stories (about my own immediate family) away from people you don’t know. That being said, do not hesitate to ask for the password. My blog tracks your emails in regards to your comments so request and I will send the password to the email address you provided in your comment.

Now that that is a out of the way, I’ll get to the fun stuff.

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2012

To those not in the know, Stirrup Queens annual Creme de la Creme sign up list has gone live. Each year, Mel over at Stirrup Queens opens up requests for everyone to share their best post of the year. It’s in response to all the end of year “Best Of” lists. Instead of people naming others in the best of the year list, Mel encourages us to find our own personal best of the year and share it with the community. To embrace ourselves and our own writing and share what we are most proud of. The list is open to everyone in the ALI (Adoption/Loss/Infertility) community. Click on the image above to sign up if you haven’t already. Sign up is closed on December 15th, so get your entry in early so you don’t forget or miss out.

As for everything else in my life, the best phrase I can use to sum it up is: hurry up and wait. Chris and I are both waiting on calls for interviews. (Edit: Chris just got a call for an interview for a job he was hoping to get!! good vibes and wishes would be greatly appreciated!) We are patiently waiting for the ok to pack up in prep for the move. We are both impatiently waiting for my appointment with the infertility clinic in November. I’m also desperately trying to finish a baby blanket in time for our trip to Halifax in November for the couple we stayed with last time. Baby C has arrived and I would like to get his blanket to him before he outgrows it.

After a bit of a hiccup with Brownies and one of the other leaders, things are finally smoothed out and I’m enjoying every week of Brownie leading. We have a great group of girls. Last week was fire prevention and we all made our emergency exit layouts. I’m lovingly known as Clumsy Owl and both myself and the two other new leaders (Nurse Owl and Baby Owl respectively) are starting to get much more comfortable leading activities because it was a little nerve wracking at first. Our Halloween party is this coming Thursday and I have to get my costume together. Otherwise, I’m looking forward to training at the end of the year and of course next year I plan on going from a non-member leader to a full member and do all the training they require. Darts is still going well too. I still suck hardcore but I’m getting a bit better each week. I finished a game last week (BIG deal for me) and all the girls cheered for me cause that’s the kind of dart league we are. I missed the last darts night cause I was sick but I’m back tonight and dare I say, I really missed it last week.

The only other piece of news I have to share with you is that I found this new app called Songza. All I can say about Songza is where the hell have you been my entire life? It looks at what time of day it is, asks what you are trying to accomplish and then creates a song list and plays it for you. So say its just before bed, it asks you whether you want to go to bed, stay up late or just want to mellow out. Once you pic it breaks it down a bit more and plays a list of music that matches what you want. For instance, right now I picked that I was working and that I wanted music with lyrics and then picked a 90s hits. LOVE IT!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful ICLW and I’ll see you around in the comments!

Fall Into The Season

Posted on October 14, 2012 by imfluffyowl

It’s that time of year.

The time of year where I’m constantly dealing with a chill, lamenting the loss of the heat, beaches and summer road trips. The time that my husband loves, he finally comes back in full force to the fun and carefree man I fell in love with. He’s out for walks, enjoying the crisp fall air, geocaching in what he calls the “perfect geocaching weather”, not too cold but not too hot to explore. But its also the time of year where we fight the most. I guess I shouldn’t say fight so much as strong bickering over the little things. We fight over the fact that I’m freezing and desperately want to turn on the heat while Chris still has the windows open telling me that its finally the perfect weather to have the window open. The back and forth banter of, “Shut the window, I’m freezing my rear off here!” to be returned with “Put on a sweater if you are so cold.” The back and forth of, “Kim there is no need to turn on the heat yet.” to come back with, “Dammit Chris, if you kept the windows closed I wouldn’t have to turn on the heat.” Then of course is the back and forth of me closing the bedroom window and him opening it the second I go to the bathroom. I’m foolish enough to think that I can pull off just a bit more time wearing my flip flops then Chris catches me with an exasperated, “No wonder you’re cold Kim!”

We have a good yearly battle going on. It’s all in good fun, no hurt feelings, just the everyday banter of a couple who has spent almost a decade together. But even with the bantering back and forth, the loss of “beach weather” and the bit of hail (HAIL?!?) that we were graced with today, off and on since I woke up, we are embracing the fall season. As we get closer to Halloween, we find our stride. Chris finally starts leaving the windows closed. The heat goes on but only low and we’ll fight about the heat til spring. Chris packs away my flip flops while I whine about how my feet feel way too confined in socks and sneakers. I get to enjoy my hoodies and sweater coats again. And I love my sweater coats. At last count I think I had about 20-25. And they range from the ratty one that goes with my sweat pants, the knitted one that was passed down to me from Chris’s mom right up to the fancy ones that I wear with dress pants or dresses. I love to layer my clothes.

But there are other things we love about the fall. The colors that come with the changing leaves. The beauty of Cape Breton in the fall. I dare all of you to google image search for “Cabot Trail fall colors” to see what I’m talking about. Fall used to mean the return to school for us, but not anymore. But it still means Thanksgiving in October, the hunt for the perfect halloween costume, going to a local farm to buy my pumpkin and the countdown to my birthday. It’s also the time to enjoy the cooling off but still time before the snow makes an appearance, and I hate the snow.

Besides this, my life over the past few weeks has been hectic. Emotionally, I’ve been fighting to get back on track, to get over my owns issues and convince myself that every pregnancy is not out to get me like my internal dialogue thinks it is. Chris decided that working out west is too much for him, so the fear of finding the money we need for treatment has been put back on my mind. I’m worried about him finding local work again and now I’m looking for a second job. I’ve been fighting with my parents since Chris decided he wasn’t going back. My father lacks understanding of mental illnesses so he thinks Chris just doesn’t want to work and he’s lazy, even though it has nothing to do with that. My relationship with my father right now is rocky at best and that is now affecting my work, which isn’t a surprise considering that daddy dearest is my boss. Add to the fact that we are all still coming down from a bad month last month (my uncle passing away suddenly, the family drama associated with that, a dear friend being diagnosed with a tumor similar to the one that took the life of my uncle), and I’m already stretched a little thin emotionally to begin with. So my patience is thin because of all that and I seem to be taking it out on everyone around me or who comes in contact with me. The moving date has been pushed back to mid November now because of contractors not showing up to do their job at my parents new house. I’ve just been so frazzled. I hate the lack of control in my life as of late and everything is suffering because of it. Even my blog, reading other blogs and commenting. I find it hard to keep my concentration on anything. So I really don’t know what is going on with anyone. I sit down to read and catch up and fall asleep sitting up. I go to comment on what I’ve actually read and I’m staring at a blank comment box waiting for the words to come. But they never show.

Plus I’m also not afraid to admit that even with the password protected posts, everything that happened has made me double think everything I write. I don’t want to let what they did affect me or my space, but I’ve been burned by people who only look to judge, mock and belittle me despite having nothing else to do with me or my life. My words were taken and construed into something that was hurtful and mean even if it was only about myself moving on and my own hope that they find peace despite what happened. But that comfort of having a safe place to write is slowly coming back a little more each day. I’m finally starting to feel the urge to write. Words are starting to form. This post formed itself with little prodding from me. I have the urge to read again. I started to re-read The Hunger Games trilogy over the past week and it’s reignited my need to devour words again. To check in. To write and comment. Now…I just need to find the time.

To all my fellow bloggers, what’s up? I miss you guys. What have I missed? And my apologies if you see a sudden slam of comments from me on older posts. Don’t mind me, just playing catch up!

To anyone new, welcome.

And to people here only to read my words and judge me negatively, especially if you are family who have nothing to do with me otherwise, take a hike.

Here’s hoping for a break from my slump! 🙂

MIA After The Big Move

Posted on October 1, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Hey!

My apologies for lack of appearance around here since the move. A lot has been happening and not all of it good. I was forced to move my blog from blogger to this new home at WordPress. So far I love it and don’t regret the move.

Some drama happened when I found out that some cousins I don’t talk to and who haven’t even so much as acknowledged my existence found my twitter and blog. Nasty comments coincided with my posts and tweets and at the end of all of this and my uncles funeral, other cousins found one of my other posts, got it in the hands of the wrong people and it was shown to all of my fathers family right through to my grandmother. So I had to move my blog to a spot where I can hide family sensitive posts from those people who feel that they have the right to judge me. I’m only hiding the posts from those specific people so if you see a password protected post, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Anyone but those people can read. My twitter is also private but I always welcome new people. Don’t let my extended family BS take away from my interactions in the IF community, because I’m sure as hell not. I don’t have anything to do with these people so why should I let them have any control over what I write about or how I write about it or the communication that I’ve come to rely on from the wonderful people I’ve met through the IF community.

I’ve also been quiet on here lately because in the past month I’ve received the news of at least 13 pregnancy announcements, 2 births and a lot of general baby talk and moving forward with treatments and thr next phase of thr plan. And during my last cycle i was a month late and missed a complete cycle. The both together are the double whammy to anyone in the IF community. My appointment was also moved to November 9th with the fertility clinic and I just feel like everyone around me is pregnant or has a new born or is moving forward but me. I know it’s not. I have enough common sense at this point to know that. I know I can move past this and find the happy in my life and this area of my life again. It’s just when I get slammed with such high numbers in such a short amount of time between here in my safe place and in my everyday life that I’m finding it really hard to process. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea pregnancy announcements and I’m just trying to surface long enough to catch my breath. So I’m sorry if I can’t post on your pregnancy updates or congratulate you right now. I really am sorry. I’m so happy for all of you but it’s just wearing me down and I’m trying to find my center again. I hope that you all understand. We’ve all been there in some degree and now it’s my turn, I guess.

In other news, I started in a woman’s dart league last month and while I completely suck at it, I’m loving every minute of it. Some of my friends convinced me to join and I’m glad that I did. We meet every Monday night and it’s equal parts chatter and darts. But I’m glad to say that I’m slowly getting better. It also helps keep my mind busy , gets me out of the house and gives me a social life when Chris is away.

Last week was also my first week of Brownies. I started as a part time leader/helper for the Brownie group that my cousin runs. I started on a temporary basis just to see if this is something for me and to decide after a while if I want to move to full time. The first week was wonderful. Though I’m not surprised that I loved it. I went through Brownies and Girl Guides (Sparks started in our town after my first year as a Brownie so I missed out). After Girl Guides, I had no local Pathfinders group so my Guide leader at the time let me come back as a junior leader for 2 years even though I was too young to be an actual junior leader. I always said I would come back to leading and my cousin gave me an in. Once we are moved into our house and unpacked, I plan on looking into full time leader and going through whatever training they want me to do. Also to my local crew, I think I’m going to be selling the mint girl guide cookies if you are interested. Let me know if you want in!

Chris lately has been doing well at work. It just seems to be his trips home that trigger his attacks. In the two trips he’s done since leaving, he’s had problems on both of his flights home. Work though is great. The bosses in the office are really impressed with his work and his stats are some of the best in the office. Dad has even commented on how well he is doing and if you knew my dad, that’s a BIG deal. To quote dad, Chris is flourishing in this new job. Now it’s just to get these attacks under control…

Otherwise, this is it. I’m writing this on my new iPad. Chris bought me the new iPad with the basis of being able to video chat with him whether I’m home or not. That way I can still go out with my girls, take part in projects and hobbies and still have our nightly video chats. That was the excuse we used to justify the purchase but I’ve had my eye on one since they first came out and Chris wanted to treat me. He’s an awesome hubby. Now, outside of our living expenses, we’re not touching the money and letting it build up for treatments in the new year.

I hope that everyone is doing well and I hope you are all joining me permanently at my new blogging home. ❤