Venting My Frustrations & Irrational Thoughts

Posted on November 27, 2012 by imfluffyowl

I have a confession to make. I’m become that hermit lady that hates leaving the house. In becoming this hermit lady, I’ve also find myself becoming completely detached from my friends, family and loved ones. All of them. The last time I spent any time with my friends was Brownies on Thursday. Before that, it was long before Chris’s grandfather passed away. And in some ways, if I’m being honest, I’m a little disappointed in some of my friends (though I’m sure I’ve disappointed them at some point as well). Many were quick to message me and passed on their condolences to Chris and his family, either through facebook/my family/or text messages, but some that I expected to hear from because they are the first to be at every wake and funeral, or at least rush to pass on condolences to people they know or know through friends or family, didn’t even bother to message Chris or ask me to pass on condolences to him. And Chris’s friends? Let’s not even go there. They knew, some messaged, but not one of his friends stopped by the funeral home or came to the funeral. It was a little disheartening. I’m sure that there are reasons, and I’ll move past it and everything will be fine, but for right now, I’m a little hurt and hoped for a bit more support for him and us, you know?

Also, while I don’t think the above reason is the cause, but if I’m honest it probably plays a part in it, I’m left feeling completely out of the loop and with no initiative to actually get back into the loop. I know that most, if not all, of this is in my head. But I feel like I’m the odd woman out. I know I’ve been antisocial as of late, but still, no one calls or checks in anymore except for a couple of people I’m seeing due to the few things that I’m forcing myself to do (Brownies and Darts being the exceptions).

I know I have a lot of stress going on in my life lately. I got hit with a terrible head cold. I fought with my parents for the past month over things dad said that I truly can’t bring myself to write about, but has left me utterly brokenhearted wishing for something to change. My husband and father will not stay in the same room together and I love them both but I’m somehow just left feeling uncomfortable. I feel like I have to choose and how does one choose between your spouse and the father that suddenly hates him. How do I not take that personal? The tension from this fallout is EVERYWHERE in my life. I’m dealing with Chris being sick and getting back on track mentally. Let’s not even talk about how long its been since we last had sex. Chris’s grandfather passed away. We are waiting on both our employment insurance claims to come in and still worrying about money on a daily basis. We are moving on the 8th and while everyone was willing to help and offered help months ago, only my cousin and Chris’s best friend and his girlfriend have actually offered to help us move in and asked what we need help wise. My 30th birthday is creeping up and it’s finally starting to scare me. I’m scared because I’m then in that category of pregnant after 30. I wanted to be a mom by 30, maybe pregnant with #2 by 30. I went from being excited of turning 30 to being absolutely scared shitless of turning 30 wondering if I’ll ever get to have kids, if I’ll be the only old mom at the schools if we are ever lucky enough to have kids. And I wonder if my parents will even do anything with me this year for my birthday or just go to a hockey game without me like they did last year (I’m still waiting for them to take me out for that birthday supper they promised). Then on Saturday, I got a toothache that just kept getting worse to the point that I got one hour of sleep last night and had an emergency appointment at the dentist this morning where he had no choice but to take the tooth out.To top that all off, I’m getting hit with a severe case of the holiday blahs.

I feel like we are at a standstill even though we are not. This is the first time I’m waiting on my body to do its thing so I can start my testing. But still, every time I venture out into the outside world, I feel like the odd one out at almost every gathering. I’m not happy and its hard to play happy. I want to be there with them, to enjoy it, but depression has me just trying to survive the time with people I care about and love, knowing that if I make it through I can go home and reward myself with curling up in bed with a good cry.

Most of my friends have children and families. Those that don’t have children, either aren’t ready for them and/or they have a family that’s not fighting/hating each other and nieces and nephews that they can spoil. I normally love Christmas and Halloween. Instead, I wished Halloween to be over as soon as it started. And I’m dreading Christmas. I didn’t go to the two Christmas parades. I was feeling low. It didn’t interest me. Everyone had someone to go with and I won’t ever ask to be invited into events, I don’t want to be that extra wheel that makes people feel like they have to ask me to come along. No one really invited me to join them short of a comment on facebook from a friend saying I should go to the parade. Everyone has their own traditions with their kids and no matter who I go with, I feel like I don’t fit, like I’m an extra intruding on their traditions and family time. They don’t do anything to make me feel this way, yet I feel it nonetheless. My husband hates parades, so he won’t join me and then of course if I could drag him, we are surrounded by kids who just remind us that we are spending yet another Christmas childless.

I spent the evening of Chris’s grandfathers wake listening to his newly pregnant cousin talk about the inconvenience and poor timing of this pregnancy with her friends and female cousins and then the war stories started about how long they were in labor and the things they hated about pregnancy. I went from being part of the discussion to just putting my head down and doing everything in my power not to cry while my husband just held my hand and no one even noticed how quiet I got, or if they did, they didn’t have the decency to change the topic. Then a few days ago, my grandmother wanted to show me the blanket she just finished for our future child, even though she already made me one but gave it to another cousin who is lapping me for the second time. I don’t know what hurt more, the fact that she gave away the baby blanket made and designated for my child or that she had the time to make me another baby quilt from scratch and I still haven’t gotten knocked up yet. I know she wanted to show me because she’s proud of it and she wants me to know how important I am to her and that she has faith that I will have a kid someday, but at the end of the day its just one more reminder of what I want yet can’t have despite trying my best.

Then my mind starts to wander. It’s already in that dark place so its really no big surprise that it goes dark and it starts thinking all the things it shouldn’t. It starts wondering if my lack of children is what has my friends not talking to me. Lack of common ground? Am I just the infertile friend that they lost interest in? Does my infertility and me being outspoken about my infertility make them that uncomfortable? Nonsense, I know. I get needy when I’m like this but still can’t get myself to open up facebook and send a message, text message or call my friends to ask why we haven’t talked in awhile. I know I’m partially to blame because I know I’m antisocial. But still, I can’t control what my mind thinks.

I don’t want to decorate. I don’t want to put up a tree. I don’t want to go on facebook or twitter because I truly don’t think I can handle another pregnancy announcement or the unending pictures of kids with Santa, newborn baby pictures of the son of the girl I used to babysit. You know, who is 5 years younger than me and had an oops pregnancy with the guy shes been with for around a year. I just can’t emotionally deal with that. I can’t seem to escape kids, babies, pregnancies, newborns, pregnancy announcements. It’s not the season of St. Nick, its the season of lets splatter every single piece of social media with our wonderful news and belly shots and pictures of positive pregnancy tests and pregnancy photo shoots and complaints about nausea and prenatal pills. And lets just go ahead and post stupid pictures that tell everyone how proud you are to be a mom or dad or grandparent and that kids are the greatest gift and if you believe this or have great kids, share this! Its perfectly OK to post that and make me uncomfortable but its not OK for me to post something about infertility because it makes you uncomfortable. What do I want for Christmas? How about my own pregnancy. But if you can’t do that St. Nick, can you at least keep me away from all of this so I don’t cry myself to sleep each night?

I know this is a dark post, but right now, I’m in a dark painful place and I feel alone. And the more alone I feel, the more that these feelings snowball. I just…need a break, a hug, to know that I’m important to someone and be told it’s because my assumptions aren’t working right now. I need a break. I need something to go positive for us, for once. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

November ICLW

Posted on November 22, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Greetings ICLW peeps! Lets pretend that I remembered to write and post this 2 hours ago when it was still day 1 of ICLW. For anyone new to the blog and wanna know about me, hubby and our IF journey to this point, check out the links to your right —-> that says: “the girl” and “our infertility journey”. But if you want the shorthand version:

I’m Kim. Almost 30 (in 12 days). Married to Chris for the past 3 years, but together for almost a decade. 3 kitties. No babies, yet. Trying to conceive for 3 years and almost 8 months. Canadian. Loves baking, cupcakes, Christmas, snowmen, crafting, reading, gaming (both of the video and board variety), an unhealthy obsession for Bath and Body Works products. Pinterest junkie. Lover of Apple products, my iPad, Twilight, The Hunger Games, Harry Potter. About to be first time home owners.

Update on our infertility journey:

We just recently had my first appointment with the fertility clinic. Now we are in uber testing mode! More can be read here at my appointment recap post.

Other updates:

My parents finally received their move in date to their new house! For those not in the know, we are about to move into my childhood home. Two weeks from now, we should be in the thick of moving. Which means that I start packing tomorrow as soon as I start tracking down boxes for the move.

Otherwise, I’m getting over a particularly nasty head cold that hit me just as my husbands grandfather passed away. The funeral was yesterday and it was quite the sad day for everyone. When I wasn’t at the funeral or the wake, I spent the majority of my time doped up on cold meds and sleep through the worst of the cold.

I hope everyone is doing well and I’ll see you this week in the comments!

Dealing With Death & Finding Your Place

Posted on November 17, 2012 by imfluffyowl

This afternoon, my husband’s grandfather lost his 11 year battle with Alzheimer’s. My husband comes from a very large and, for the most part, incredibly close family with most still living locally. As soon as he passed we were called and we went down to the nursing home to be with my in-laws and the aunts, uncles and cousins that were there to say goodbye to the wonderful man who left us today. My heart breaks for the wonderful family I was lucky enough to marry into. I cry for them, the pain they are feeling and the emptiness that comes with a loss of family.

My husband is doing well for the most part, and so are my in-laws. Sad but just getting through the day, making arrangements. But I find myself in an odd position. I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years and the last immediate family death was during our first year together. We were dating, I was still getting to know everyone at that point. Since then, I’ve gotten so close to many in the family and I’ve been accepted by all. They all attended our wedding. I see them at all the holiday events. But yet I’m here and I still feel slightly like an outsider intruding on something private. When I first met his grandfather he was already showing signs of the disease. I got to talk to him, hang out with him, but only for those first few years. He was soon put in a nursing home because he needed care around the clock and Chris struggled with seeing the man he respected and loved so much deteriorate to a shadow of himself. He chose not to visit him in the home, remember him the way he was and I supported him and told him to do what he had to do. I know that not everyone can go into a nursing home and watch the person they love slowly die. I find it easy, but I understand that it’s not for everyone.

Yet today, I felt out of place. No one made me feel that way, I just simply felt in the way to everyone else. Like a stranger intruding on a very private moment. Do I hug? Apologize? Stand quietly by Chris as he hugs everyone? Introduce myself to the family I haven’t met yet? If someone apologizes to me for “my loss”, I feel like a fraud because it’s really Chris’s loss. Honestly, it’s my loss by proxy, by marriage. It’s like being thrown on stage for a play but you don’t know the lines and you are left standing there awkwardly center stage under the hot lights. There was this moment where I didn’t know what to do because I don’t know how their family deals with death. I’m sure everyone has felt some level of this at one point or another. Yet no one vocalizes it because you just want to comfort those you care most about. I don’t post this to take away from anything that Chris or his family is going through, but rather just to sort my own thoughts and find some direction for myself. I want what we all want in this situation, to be the most efficient and helpful to our loved ones as possible. You want to be that strong wall of support, everything they need and more, to be able to anticipate their every need. I know my family traditions, I know my role when one of my family members pass away. But these people are not the same as my own family. So what do I do?

Have you ever watched How I Met Your Mother? When Marshall’s father dies, his friends and wife spend the entire episode trying to figure out how they fit, how to help. Lily at one point told the others that Marshall needed to pee and she instantly offered to do it for him. It was only while she was peeing that she realized that she couldn’t help him do that, it just doesn’t work that way. Then Lily finds her role in taking the heat and harsh words from Marshall’s mom, the boys try to cheer Marshall up by showing him youtube videos of guys getting hit in the balls and Robin is the one who has “everything” in her purse. (Nude playing cards, a flask, a phone charger and Crocodile Dundee 3 on DVD just to name a few). I understand the episode because that’s how I feel.

If I’ve learned one major thing in my life, it’s that everyone, and every family, has their own way to deal with death. Some are private, some are public, and others meet somewhere in the middle. My grandmother’s death was a big affair. The wake (or calling hours, as some know it as) were lined out the door of the funeral home for all three of the set times we had. While others may only have one small set time for calling hours, yet while others have no calling hours at all or strictly private hours for immediate family only. For my grandmother, the church was full, myself and my cousin were asked to do readings. Other cousins were asked to be pallbearers. People brought us food (there was soooo much food!) There was a get together at my aunts after the service and then family and friends drank and played music. Fiddles, guitars and French and Gaelic music well into the wee hours of the morning, just as she would’ve wanted it.

Then I look at my dads family. My grandparents want a strict private viewing for immediate family only, then the funeral and private prayer at the graveyard with just immediate family. Then of course, a reception of some sort for family and friends afterwards. My uncle’s wake in NB was much more informal and instead of the family seated closest to the casket so those that come to the wake can easily distinguish who the family is, they socialized and moved amongst the room, which was a first for me while the funeral itself was much like my grandmothers. The big difference to me was the prayer by the grave. I’ve only ever gone to the graveyard for final graveside prayers for my grandmother. I’m used to immediate family only going to this, where with my uncle, there were more people, myself included, who were there while I’ve never done that for other aunts and uncles here at home. I’m guessing that this is different here just due to the sheer size of families around here. most of our parents come from families of 5-10 kids. Now in bigger cities, extended families are spread out where smaller areas still tend to have large clusters of their family together. My cousin Gordie’s funeral was much more of a celebration of a young life gone too soon. No wake, but instead a funeral and then a catered reception at his mother’s that started after prayers at the graveyard and went well into the evening. There are simply so many factors to how one deals with a family death, whether they be religion based, geographically based, or based in strong family traditions.

So upon coming home from the nursing home with Chris, I did what I do best: I went into helpful mode. I wanted to feel useful. Chris was laying down. I’d doted on him to the point of him telling me to sit down and relax. Then I went and made myself a sandwich. I was on auto pilot so I was shocked when I came back from pouring myself a cup of tea and saw 6 sandwiches made and cut up. I don’t remember making them but I must’ve just kept going until I ran out of chicken mixture while the rest of me was caught up in my own mind and thought process. So I plated them and got them ready to go to my in-laws. I’m glad I did, it was the first thing my in-laws ate all day. I ran errands for them. i felt good to have a role. to be able to help them. Through the years, growing up in my family, the thing you do upon hearing of a death of a friend or a family member to someone in our life is bake a meal for them. Ham and salad, a casserole, cabbage rolls, anything that can be stored and reheated. Fruit, veggie or meat trays, sandwiches or baked goods. The giving and receiving of food at the time of a loss was so nice, it was a gift to know how many people cared about you during your time of pain. it was that friendly and caring reminder to not forget to eat, to keep energy and strength up. When my cousin A’s uncle (on the other side of her family) passed away, my mother, aunt and myself stayed at the house and set everything up for the get together after the funeral. We made tea, warmed food, washed dishes, did whatever they needed us to do. Family from away were amazed at what we were doing because they’ve never seen it before. I’ve never been thanked so much before in my life. But it’s just what I do, what I’ve always done, I’m a helper. I’ve always felt useless in situations where I can’t be put to work. Maybe that stems from my people pleasing ways. I naturally revert to it in hopes of making the suffering easier in some way for those that I love and care about.

But now I’m left trying to figure out what to do. Figure out the traditions of my newer branch of family. Helping Chris and my in-laws. Adapting to their traditions and finding my place. For now, I give out hugs, give Chris control of the remote with no complaints of whatever he wants to watch. I’m baking because it’s what I do best. Get our outfits for the coming days cleaned and ironed. Help my mother-in-law. Offer help to cousins and aunts and uncles. Pass out tissue to dry eyes. Try to help and show my love and respect for them during this difficult time by giving myself in any way I can. And know that next time, maybe I’ll know my place and not feel so out of place.

The First CD1 To Look Forward To

Posted on November 14, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Things have been a bit hectic, but I finally have a few minutes to sit down and write about the trip.

Thursday afternoon we took off for Halifax with my MIL in tow. Chris was having a very bad day so MIL offered to make the trip and surprise her best friend (who we were staying with anyway) with a visit of her own, and really, just to be there as emotional support for me and Chris. The trip up was both wonderful and terrible. MIL is awesome, easy to be around and is very little fuss so traveling with her is awesome. Chris spent most of the trip asleep in the back, just trying to sleep through the worst of his breakdown. What is normally a 5 hour drive at most turned out to be a 7.5 hour trip because of the heavy rains for most of the trip. At points, the rain was coming down so heavy that I just kept the brake lights of the guy in front of me in my vision and hoped that he didn’t go off the highway or I was gonna follow. I must’ve done something right because my MIL is still talking about how great of a driver I am. I guess I hid my fear of losing control well…

We stayed with “Aunt Moe” (the mother of the guy we stayed with in March) who is my MIL’s childhood friend. They are best friends and essentially their kids grew up together. They are family in every way but blood. Moe has MS, but is still able to get around and incredibly stubborn. She was determined to have us stay with her. I love her dearly and she spoiled us from the moment we walked in the door. MIL shocked Moe with her impromptu visit and we all got an earful for hiding the surprise from her. Thursday was an early, quiet night. We relaxed, caught up and watched TV. My nerves were a little on edge for the appointment.

Friday morning, we were up early to get ready for our appointment. We were staying about a 40 minute drive from our appointment. Moe’s husband offered to be our chauffeur for the day and refused to let us drive into downtown Halifax for the appointment. He drove us to our appointment and since we landed almost an hour early, we walked up the street to my favorite cupcake shop (that sadly only exists in Halifax) and I bought some yummy cupcakes. Then we went to AART for the appointment and let Moe’s husband go do his own thing with a promise to call when we were ready.

When we got to AART, we were early, so we signed in and had a seat in the waiting room. While waiting, a girl who clearly worked for AART came out and poked her head into the waiting room. She said, “Kim?” and instantly I knew it was Kendra. Kendra, the wonderful secretary who literally bent over backwards, listened to me cry in frustration, tracked down doctors and even when our appointment for that day had to be cancelled because our doctor had a family emergency, begged other doctors to take our appointment because of how long I was waiting for this appointment. The same girl who refused to call and tell me about the appointment time change until she confirmed another doctor and then apologized profusely for the time change. When we saw each other for the first time, we were both big smiles and she sat down to talk to us for a few minutes, asked how our trip was, and it felt like i was talking to an old friend. It quickly eased my nerves and she told us that she would come and get us as soon as our doctor landed, he was on his way from the IWK.

Dr. Murphy was wonderful. He made us feel at ease almost immediately. He took our family history, mine and Chris’s medical history, and went over the basic questions that we already filled out on the questionnaires. Explained the basic causes of infertility and a run through of how you actually get pregnant medically. Chris was attentive, but I already knew all of this mostly due to my time in this group. He was surprised to hear that I had found and embraced the help of an online community. He asked some questions about this ALI community, more so to pass onto his other patients, and applauded me for looking for support and embracing it. From there, he asked what tests I’ve had to date, tracked down my last round of blood work, told me that before I left the office, he wanted another pap test run. He is sending Chris for another semen analysis through our local hospital just to check to see if there is any change since the last test in March. They had no explanation for his low count, so they are hoping that there’s been a change. From there, he started with sending the referral for me to get that lovely dye test on my uterus, set up a referral for a local gyno, and a battery of blood tests. I have CD2 blood work to check EVERYTHING, literally, EVERYTHING. They are even taking over tracking the levels for my thyroid and any changes to my thyroid meds will come directly from AART. They are sending me for more blood work on CD21 and CD23 to check my progesterone levels to make sure that I am, in fact, ovulating. Dr. Murphy seems confident that with my symptoms and the length of my cycles and my periods that I’m ovulating normally but he wants the tests to back up his thoughts. He didn’t seem too concerned with my handful of long or longer cycles but he said if anything is wrong, we will know after the tests. He wants every i dotted and every T crossed. And thankfully, to cut down on travel, they will arrange to do results via teleconference to limit my travel time and expenses.

While there, he asked us if we had an idea what we were looking to do as he assumed I knew my options when I walked in. I told him that if Chris’s count was not high enough for IUI, we were willing to move forward with donor sperm. He told me that he’s not surprised that we have an idea of what we want considering how informed I am and considering how long we’ve been waiting to get to this point. He gave us the stats for each, broke down what we would need to do for each and then gave us information folders on IVF, IUI and Semen Donors. We are not really ready to start treatment right now, but since we clearly have some idea of our direction, he wanted to give us more information to look through and to prepare questions for our next official visit to the clinic post-results. Then doc sent Chris to the waiting room where his mom was babysitting my cupcakes and the nurse on staff did my Pap smear.

After the Pap smear was over, the doctor was talking to me and answering any last minute questions. I kept on thanking him throughout the entire appointment and finally after I thanked him again, he asked me why I kept on thanking him over and over again. I laughed at him because I didn’t realize how much I was doing it and then apologized. I told him that I’m really not used to having doctors do so much for us. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and 8 months. Almost 3 of those years were spent convincing our doctors that something wasn’t right. I always had to look up what our next step was. Chris had to beg his doctor to send him for a semen analysis. Chris had to track down those results of the semen analysis himself. Nothing was offered after the results. I had to find that out on my own. Chris had to demand for the urologist’s referral. Chris had to check on the status of that referral. We had to fight for that referral to be sent to the right doctor 3 times. We were never contacted about that appointment and ended up missing the first appointment because of it. If I didn’t stay on top of that secretary, we would’ve never gotten the information needed for the second appointment. It’s new to us to have staff that actually try to do stuff for us, to have a secretary not only check on something, but to call us back in a timely fashion. And to finally be at an appointment where things are happening (ALL THE THINGS!!) without evening asking. I can’t help but be thankful and thank everyone who does it.

Upon hearing this, the doctor looked at me with the most honest look in his eyes and said, “You don’t have to beg doctors to listen to you anymore, we’re listening to you. No more worries, we want to help.” *cue the tears*. Every bit of weight on my shoulders seemed to collectively lift and I found myself at ease for the first time in our infertility journey. The rush to move forward seems to slow down and there was comfort just knowing that we were in the right hands. Competent hands. Then the appointment was over, I got to thank Kendra and Dr. Murphy again and we grabbed lunch and did some shopping. By the time we were back at Aunt Moe’s, I was relaxed, laughing and ready to spend the evening with all of Aunt Moe’s kids and their families.

Before we knew it, Saturday morning was upon us and we were heading home. Thankfully no rain but sunny and bitterly cold. By the time we hit Cape Breton, we were driving through snow flurries (the first of the season for us). Now it’s time to get back to normal. Blood work tomorrow morning and for once, this is the first CD1 I’ve looked forward to since before we started trying. Here’s to moving forward…finally!

A Quick Update

Posted on November 9, 2012 by imfluffyowl

I’m still in Halifax til tomorrow morning but we just got in from the appointment. Just wanted to stop by and give a quick update before I take off to enjoy the rest of my night with family.

My appointment can be summed up in these words:

“You don’t have to beg doctors to listen to you anymore, we’re listening to you. No more worries, we want to help.”

Stated by the wonderful Dr. Murphy *happysigh*

It doesn’t seem like much to some but when you spent that last 3 years of your TTC journey fighting with and begging Doctors just to listen to your fears, it’s a breath of fresh air!

More later!

The Countdown Is On

Posted on November 6, 2012 by imfluffyowl

It’s been a very, very stressful couple of weeks for me. I’m in no shape mentally to even try to recap it. Honestly? It’s not worth the crying and headache that will accompany it. But no worries, I’m fine, hubby is doing ok and everyone in our life is healthy and fine. No change on the infertility front. Everything else just went to the hell. We are slowly moving forward and trying to get back on track.

In other news, my “brother from another mother” got married on Saturday. I’m so incredibly happy for them. My brother was the best man. For a bit of back story on the whole “brother from another mother” and R’s importance in my life: R grew up two doors down from me. He was the same age as me (I’m one day short of a month older than him and he never fails to remind me of it). Myself R and a girl in the neighborhood were thick as thieves. As my brother got a bit older, R spent more time with my brother. Every winter, we would have snowball fights, make snowmen and he always managed to knock the glass out of my glasses at least once each winter. Before we knew it, my brother was hitting the teenage years and R would spend almost every weekend at our place. We stayed up all night watching horror movies together. He was my prom date because he was suppose to graduate with us but didn’t and I wanted to go with a friend instead of trying to find a date. I stood by his side while he fought for visitation rights with his daughter. We have a long and strong friendship and I’ve always loved him like a brother. He’s part of my family no matter what. Even now, with his new wife who doesn’t like me all that much, I’m still there, happy for him. I’ve chalked up her distrust and dislike of me to jealousy of a strong female friendship in his life, history that she will never have with him. And some people just have a jealous side. But regardless I couldn’t be anymore proud of my other brother if he was my brother by blood. It was a great night to break up all the bad stuff of the last 2 weeks.

In other news, Friday is my appointment with my infertility clinic in Halifax. 3 years and 7 months into trying to get pregnant and I’m finally going for my first appointment with my clinic. I’ve been waiting for this specific appointment since my husbands appointment in March after a complete mess up with the urologist and the clinic losing my referral multiple times. Thankfully they are not charging us for this appointment because of the mess up. I know that this is going to be your standard first appointment, family history, my own medical history, go over my paperwork sent from other doctors, order tests and blood work and set up my testing through a local Gyno, but I’m still nervous and anxious. I’m so scared that they are gonna find something that is going to run our costs even higher. Costs that I’m already finding hard to digest. Reproductively speaking, I’m scared that something is wrong with me. I’ve been able to come to terms with my husband’s low count since his diagnosis but I’m scared to death that they will find more problems with me that will prevent us from doing IUI with donor. So if you could all send good vibes, positive energy, say a prayer, chant, anything really, that this appointment goes well and my stress level stays low. It would be awesome if you could.

We leave early Thursday morning, drive 5 hours to Halifax to stay with Chris’s Aunt Maureen, spend the evening relaxing with Moe and possibly visit with her two children and their spouses. Friday morning we are up early to drive into the city for the appointment and provided everything goes well, I’ll treat myself to a frap from Starbucks and a visit to my favorite cupcake shop in the world, Susie’s Shortbreads. Then depending on how we are feeling, we will either make the 5 hour drive home and get in late or stay for the night and leave first thing Saturday morning.

Also, I just found out that the 3 government jobs I applied for were accepted and they are all now in their specific inventory lists that they refer to when calling for interviews and testing. If you could say a little prayer or send good thoughts on that too, that would totally rock.

And in the “holy fuck, I’m freaking out man” file, I turn 30 in less than a month. I’m both excited (cause its the BIG 30!) and freaking out a bit (cause, hello! It’s the BIG 30!) I suddenly feel just a little old.

Otherwise, that’s all I have the energy to write right now. I hope everyone is doing well! And I swear, I’m only 75 deep in unread blog posts in my reader but I’m working on that. I WILL get caught up!