BERJAYA

You know what guys and gals? I’ve been having a rough week.

It’s been a rough July and a rough start to August if I’m being truly honest, but it seemed to hit its brink the other night.

I’ve been quite proud of myself lately. I’ve been able to detach myself from our struggles with infertility. I’m in another six week wait while I wait for the time I can go through my blood work again to see if my thyroid has finally gotten its act together and went back to normal. So really there’s not much I can do.

I’ve transitioned out of my bitter, angry infertile stage over the past year. Four years of being constantly angry and bitter was apparently my breaking point and I’ve transitioned into a calmer but still frustrated infertile. I like to think about it by comparing it to waxing. Waxing for the first time is a bitch and you are red raw afterwards. But the more you do it, the more you build up a tolerance for it. I’ve developed a thick skin at this point. Not just with the waxing, but with infertility in general. I’ve let other things keep me busy. I have less bad days. I can handle reading about pregnancies and I can even congratulate people now. I’ve spent a lot of my summer so far doing couples things with another IF couple and its been great to have kid free stuff to do. But when I do have a bad IF day, its BAD. I guess thats the down side to this transition. I passed in all my slightly bad emotional days for a handful of really, really bad breakdown days. One of these days happened at the worst possible time. At work.

Generally work is fun (believe it or not). We have a great group of people who laugh and joke and get along wonderfully. We range in age and lifestyle. Some are moms and grand moms, the lone male in our room is so young he’s fresh out of university and we refer to him as “the puppy” or “Justin Beiber” even though he looks and acts nothing like the crazy Canadian pop star (yeah, as a Canadian, sorry about unleashing that on the world, we didn’t really have a say in it.) A couple of the woman, I’ve grown particularly close to and tomorrow is the last day of their casual cycle and they are off til the new year. Another girl, closer to me in age is staying in her spot while I’m moving over to the other building with the rest of the remaining team. When I say that we’ve gotten close, I mean that we added each other on Facebook, are on the lookout for things we mentioned to each other, and I’ve told them that we are dealing with infertility after they inquired why we don’t have kids yet and they haven’t treated me differently and in some cases, have asked about it.

But yesterday, as I was joking with some of my coworkers over something silly during lunch, I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed to pass he time and all I see is nothing but parents complaining about their children. Earlier that day and earlier this week, I listened to other staff in the building complaining about their children and for some reason, at that moment during lunch, it was like a tidal wave of pain hit me. I had no warning. Tears streaming down my face, trying not to sob or draw attention to myself, I couldn’t get up and go cry in the bathroom because there would be no way to hide my face and if my coworkers saw me in that state, they are the type of people to follow me, concerned, to make sure I was ok. I was embarrassed by the breakdown. I went from giddy and laughing to emotional mess with absolutely no warning. I felt the emotional toll this was having on me along with the financial toll as wave after wave of pain hit me. Ever since, I’ve been somber, depressed and completely scared of what may never happen. It’s been making work…difficult at best. My concentration is absolutely shot and I’m fighting to get through the work that is normally a breeze for me. My mind is suddenly entirely focused on one thing, our infertility.

It’s been 4 years and we are still doing basic testing. I don’t even know my treatment options yet. How much longer do I have to wait for those? Let alone treatment and the possibility of it actually working.

And now? My period is late. Like 15 days late when I know with absolute certainty that I’m not pregnant because 1. According to tests, I haven’t been ovulating for awhile despite getting my period in the past. 2. It’s been a long time since we last had sex. 3. I’ve been so stressed with everything that I’ve lost my sex drive. (If found please return to me directly, thanks.) 4. Did I mention that its been a long time since we last had sex? Cause I actually don’t remember when unless I check my iPeriod app.

I’m just tired of the pain, of all of this. I just want the only thing I ever dreamed of doing in my life: being a mom.

I’m just gonna put this out there, I’m sick of death.

I’m so tired of going to wakes and funerals and sending condolences and sudden deaths and slowly watching people die. I need some time where I’m not bombarded by death. Universe, I get it, you hold all the cards and we are mere players in a game we don’t know the rules for. No need for the reminders anymore.

In the past month and a half a friend lost her father, then 2 friends lost their grandmothers within days of each other. Last week another friend lost her father suddenly. Then, the day after I attended the funeral for my friends father, and the day we found a new home for our dog (because of my husbands sudden bad allergic reaction to the dog we loved so much) I walked into work to find out that one of my co-workers was riding her bike and was struck from behind on the highway by a car driven by an 18 year old. Rumors are circulating that the kid was text messaging when they hit her and now her 3 children are without their mom.

The first hour of my shift today was spent with my co-workers in a mandatory group grief counseling session to help process the death of our co-worker. Nightshift at my job is different from the day shift. We are a closer, tight knit group, and even though I’ve only been there since mid-May, I’m incredibly close to those on my team. She was on the upstairs team but all of the nightshift tends to mingle together and you get to know everyone. So its no surprise that my supervisor broke down in tears when she told us, and its no surprise that work has been somber and we are all grieving for her, even after knowing her for such a short time. So its also no surprise that one of the other teams took up a collection and used that to treat both our team and upstairs team to hot tea and coffee and sweets on our first break after our grief counseling. Things like that make you want to go back to work and put extra effort into what you do. It shows you that despite the sadness and death, there are still kind and loving people in this world.

Then to add to that, my grandfathers health is bad. I could say its less than stellar, but lets call a spade a spade. It’s bad, it’s not going to get better and I’ll admit it, I’m scared. Many in the family don’t see him on a day to day basis because they live away, but me and mom see it, dad sees it when he’s home. It’s slowly getting worse. I’m scared that he’s next. He’s sleeping all the time now. If we take him out anywhere, he can’t kept his balance, even with a walker. He doesn’t want to do anything anymore other than sleep all day. When I visit, he asks me if I’m working. When I tell him yes, he asks where. Then I tell him where and he berates himself because he knew that. Then he asks how I’m doing. 5 minutes later, after a lull in the conversation, he looks at me and asks if I’m working again. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he already asked me that so I just answer again. He’s made so many jumps from bad to good, always with the seasons. In the winter months he’s bad and he always jumped back in the spring and summer. But it’s summer and he’s not jumping back like he always did. A year or two ago, the doctors told us that with his heart condition, he would be fine until he’s not. That’s what happens with this condition. They told us that we shouldn’t be surprised if he were to pass in his sleep. And as much as him passing away will break all of us in the family, I hope that he goes peacefully in his sleep. It’s so hard to watch him waste away.

And I guess, that’s my reasoning for my absence as of late. My weekend comes and I want to escape. So that’s what I do. My weekends are spent with my husband who’s been doting on me constantly since Mia left (he fears I hate him because he is the reason why she had to go, even if I don’t and could never hate him), and Saturdays are turning into a weekly ritual with friends where we spent Saturday nights sitting around a campfire. Friends have kept me busy, they invite me to the beach, their pools, out for coffee and sometimes board games. I’m back at the gym full swing, and dare I say it, but I finally attacked that spare bedroom I’ve been talking about for months. It’s half done and I plan on finishing it as soon as my weekends allow it. Other than the push I had to put in for a guest blog spot over at The Infertility Voice about the royal baby (thanks so much for the guest spot, Keiko!!), I really haven’t had much time or energy to put towards a half decent post. I thought about it, glanced through my news feed, but I really didn’t have the time to even comment on posts, let alone write a post. I still have to get around to some congratulations (yes D, I’m talking to you! Keep those beta numbers rising!!) and go through my back log of posts in my reader and try to add those comments I’ve been desperate to find the time to do.

I hope everyone is well. If I missed any big news, leave an update in the comments and I’ll head over to catch up. Love, as always, to everyone!

xoxo