I don’t really know if that’s a good thing or not.
But when I do cry, it guts me. I feel the despair in every inch of me. It’s a tidal wave of emotion and I feel like I can’t breath, I just can’t get my head above the water to catch that big breath before it takes me under again.
This week was one of those weeks. Tonight is one of those nights.
I just can’t seem to stop crying. The tears and the pain behind each tear is so overwhelming that it feels like I can’t catch my breath.
I feel so…broken.
It’s CD1 and I wasn’t surprised. I knew nothing would happen. I’ve come to terms with nothing happening unless there is medical intervention that I can’t afford right now. It’s actually made the cycles more bearable. In honesty, its made life more bearable overall. Knowing its not going to happen is a lot easier than wondering, just maybe…
I can’t seem to focus. Not on the good happening. Not even on the bad.
Right now. All I feel is pain.
If a doctor asked me to tell him where the pain was, I would tell him everywhere.
If he asked me to rate my pain out of a 10, I could honestly say 11.
If he asked me if I knew the point of origin, I’d point at my heart.
Lately with the pain in my lower back, Rory hasn’t left my side. He’s been glued to me.
So much so that he’s taken to following me everywhere. Case in point:
He had to be touching me and he fell asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position I’ve ever seen while touching me.
Then as I was leaving for work, Chris came to kiss me goodbye and as I was walking out the door, Chris yelled “HEY! Where do you think you’re going?” I turned around to answer that I was leaving for work. Then he told me he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to Rory and as I looked down he was walking side by side with me, following me to the car.
(Don’t mind hubby’s long hair and extra bushy beard, he’s long overdue for a trip to the barbers)
My Rory is a devoted kittypuppy. I love that he’s always there for a cuddle and looks out for me when I need it. For every person out there who says that a dog is a man’s best friend has clearly never met Rory.
February in Cape Breton is usually the worst of the worst. The month with the most snowfall, the lowest temps and all the ice you can slip on. It’s also the time of year where you start to wonder if you are actually going to make it to the other side of winter and the start of spring. This year has been no different other than I’ve had to travel in it daily, which has been mostly avoidable for the past few years since I started my job with the government.
I hate the constant weather watching.
I miss my capris and tank tops.
So much.
So…much…
In other news that isn’t me wishing for April and the first signs of spring, it’s been an interesting couple of days.
Saturday was a planned lunch date with some people I worked with in the summer and an evening visit with some other friends. Instead I woke up to a broken water heater (tell me again why I was so desperate for a home of my own?) and I threw out my back and I don’t know how it happened or what I did to it.
After a couple of hours of my husband and father in law installing the new heater, a shower at my moms and a couple of pain killers, I made it to lunch which was actually pretty great. A bunch of people I consider friends sitting around a table having a couple of drinks and a late lunch while we listen to the music of a very talented fiddle player made for a great afternoon.
Sunday was filled with sleeping. So much sleeping. Trying to keep heat on my back and get myself walking upright again before work on Monday.
Then today at work we were called into a meeting where we found out that we were officially extended to the full 90 days of our contract. My finish date with the government this year is May 12th which means I’m off in time for summer this year and I’m going to enjoy every single minute of it!
Then to top off the day, I received confirmation of my flights for National Conference. I got all of my first choices. I’m far too excited for April.
Now, if only my back wasn’t still so damn sore, then my day would be just about perfect.
I hope your week has been more good news than broken heater and sore backs.
Cold, snow, freezing rain, terrible driving conditions and constant weather watching with my mom and my coworker who drives with me. Actually this YouTube clip from the Rick Mercer Report might as well be labelled Kim and Marie at work.
My gift to you:
But despite that, there are still fun and exciting things happening in my life.
I’ve had to keep it quiet for a bit until the other applicants were notified. In mid-January, I applied for the opportunity to go to Girl Guides of Canada National Conference this April in Toronto. It looked interesting but only 3 leaders in all of Nova Scotia we’re going to be chosen for this opportunity so I didn’t expect this anything to come from it. Almost two weeks ago, I received a call from my provincial commissioner to tell me that I was one of the 3 chosen for the conference. So in April, I’ll be heading up to Toronto for the conference on an all expenses paid trip of a lifetime, where I get to meet Guiders, Rangers and Pathfinders from all over Canada.
The email came in yesterday with my flight information and they are flying me out of Sydney (20 mins away) instead of Halifax (4.5 hours away), so I only have to take one day off of work. And I’m pretty grateful to my employers. I’m a casual employee so I technically don’t get days off for any reason, but they are making an exception for this.
I also applied for a federal government job back in the summer and I just found out that I made it into the next level of the process and they’ve started contacting my references. Now this could be step 5 of 10 or 5 of 20, so I’m not holding my breath on a job offer. But I’ll enjoy each bit of progress make.
Work continues to go well. But I didn’t expect anything else. My team leader is awesome. I get along with most of my co-workers and I get to listen to music while I work. The downside being I’m on a different schedule to most of my friends, I have two days each week to catch up with everyone, and I miss Brownies each week. But life can’t be perfect.
I loaded my e-reader with a bunch of new books. And I’m in a reading mood.
I scored a bunch of new clothes on sale. A $200 dollar gift card, plus an extra $100 off plus the 70% off sale prices and I scored 4 pairs of pants, undergarments 8 shirts and a couple of sweaters for $3.97 out of my own pocket. It’s rare for me to find a bunch of new clothes so easily.
And last but not least, I have a lunch date this weekend with some of the people I worked with over the summer. I got really close to that crew and we try to go out for lunch every couple of months.
So while I’m dealing with the blahs of winter, I’m taking the joys in the little things, and the really good things that are sort of a big deal too. I’m enjoying the good things and trying not to dwell on the bad or less than favorable stuff. Like when I drove home and used my brakes to stop at a stop sign and I just kept on sliding through. Nope. Not gonna let that freak me out. Happy thoughts from here on out…
Grammy loves to receive mail from her family. She’s also about 80% deaf and the only way to really talk to her short of writing her letters/emails, is to skype together and have her talk to you while you type back to her. I love that the family has made efforts for us to be able to talk to her in place of a phone conversation where she can’t hear us, but I still prefer the written word. When it comes to Grammy, I find e-mails too impersonal because even though she is adjusting to the computer and communicating through the computer, its not something she is completely comfortable with. So I write the old fashioned way, a pen and paper in hand and pouring my thoughts to her onto the paper.
There is something comforting in writing with pen and paper. I enjoy the complete lack of technology in writing a letter.
Growing up, I had a pen-pal. We wrote each other constantly until junior high when life and being a teenager got in the way. But we kept in touch. This past October, I traveled to Toronto to celebrate her wedding. It’s funny, I hadn’t seen her in years (about 18 years in fact), but it was like no time had passed between us. We were old friends and we seamlessly picked up where we left off. So seamlessly, in fact, that both sets of parents commented on it by the end of the trip.
I’ve missed the act of sitting down and writing a letter. There is something so personal in physically writing the words you intend to send to others. To make it readable. To see the emotion in someones handwriting. Plus the benefit of getting something in the mail that isn’t a bill.
No typing.
No e-mail addresses.
It just seems to make sense to write to Grammy. When I write, I feel like I’m still sitting next to her at her kitchen table while poppy snoozes in the living room with the baseball game on, telling her about work and Brownies and talking about the latest book I read or the new craft I started. I miss her so much that this simple act of writing makes it feel like shes still here with me instead of in Ontario.
I hope this is the start of a new pen-pal relationship with Grammy. I think we could both benefit from it. I think she needs someone to talk to and share the transition of her life in Ontario and learning to live without Poppy and I still need my Grammy.
I’ll always need my Grammy.
~~~
It’s been awhile since I’ve taken part in #MicroblogMonday.
If You Don't Stand For Something 
