Hi, long time no see. 

I’ve been busy, but I have no real excuse to explain my absence. I’ve felt the need to pull away and I don’t like that. But I’ve come to a realization, as another round of my infertility friends announce their pregnancies. I feel like I’m on a countdown. A countdown to the end of a friendship. 

Because let’s be honest. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I’ve been circled and recircled by some of my infertile friends. It’s been 6.5 years. No moving forward, no money for the next step and no child to show for it. I once again feel like it’s just not in our cards and that it will never happen. That feeling is mostly coming from my hormones and the oncoming CD1. But one thing I can always count on are others that I consider friends, get pregnant, spend the nine months talking about their pregnancy and sharing all of it with the IF world, make the big birth announcement, make a couple of monthly updates and then proceed to disappear and forget the people who supported them through this. 

This isn’t an every time situation, but the percentage is high. I’d say 80%, easily. I’ve watched too many people claim to be my friend, offer support through their struggle and then walk away from everyone like we didn’t matter once they resolved. Sure some stick around but never talk about anything other than their child, they never talk about other parts of their life, and can leave a bitter taste in the mouth of people still fighting. 

Is it wise to keep the world of infertility separate from the rest of your life? I’ve never separated the two as I talk regularly about both infertility and the rest of my life in this blog. Why separate one part of my life from the rest as one interacts with the rest, it’s woven into everything in my life. What happens when that part of your life changes? That’s a situation that a lot of people find themselves in when they resolve their infertility. And I don’t think people think of what happens to the people who support you when you resolve. Do you leave those people and disappear from that world without caring what happened to the others, who are still fighting their battles? Do you just let them fend for themselves? Why do you see the need to separate yourself? Is what you went through so embarrassing to you that you can’t bare to stay and support those that have been there for you. 

The longer I’m here and the longer I live this, I wonder if it’s worth it because so few of the people who started this journey with me have stayed, or bothered to continue supporting me. Do they see me as a lost cause and cut their ties, or do they simply not know where or how to fit in anymore? Some people stay and manage to do it, as their blogs become what mine is, a life in general blog. Some make the transition, others just gradually stop posting, while others make a dramatic “this is my last post” exit and we never hear from them again. They leave no way to communicate with them. 

I hate it. I become so invested in the lives of those in this circle. So when they up and leave, I sometimes can’t help but take it personally. I think it’s a major contributing factor to my lack of commenting. Cause it stings. It hurts. I try to pretend it doesn’t but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I, and others still fighting, mean so little that you just walk away like we don’t matter anymore. 

Maybe it’s the surge of hormones talking, maybe it’s not. 

I’m just sick of “friends” disappearing on me. I just can’t help but start the countdown clock when someone announces their pregnancy. I don’t dread that birth, it’s the abandonment that usually follows it.