Category Archives: ALI

Women Need To Talk About Their Reproductive Health

Posted on by
Reply

Sex Education.

Why are schools and teachers so scared of Sex Education?

Huffington Post had an article about women and their knowledge of reproductive health, and sadly, I wasn’t surprised by the results:

“In addition to incomplete understanding of reproductive concepts, the survey also showed that many women who were not actively attempting to get pregnant nevertheless had concerns about their ability to do so down the road. Among the women not currently trying to conceive, 40 percent said they were worried about their ability to get pregnant once they started trying, and 20 percent said they thought they might need fertility treatment.”

When I was in high school, our sex education was a sad state of affairs.

Picture this:

Band class of 30 students, 26 girls to 4 boys. Junior high. Our male gym teacher is given the task of teaching health class as part of his gym duties. The male teacher is young, teaching only a couple of years and not really trained on how to teach sex ed. He blushes as he passes out the sex ed books and looks mortified to teach 26 girls and 4 guys about reproductive health, safe sex, ovulation, a woman’s cycle and the male reproductive organs. His embarassment brushes off on us because he doesn’t take the lead and tell us its nothing to be embarassed about. His lectures are made up of him reading page for page out of an already outdated sex ed book and his prep for tests are, ‘read this section and those 3 sections because that is where the questions on the test are coming from’. He powered through it, never encouraged open discussion, never asked if we had any questions and once we powered through it, he tells us to read amongst ourselves but doesn’t say a word when we all put our books away and chat amongst ourselves for the rest of the class.

On top of that, he never shows us how to properly put on a condom, he powered through the lesson on birth control for women, and his final statement was “don’t have sex.”

Sounds funny and completely unprofessional right?

Yeah, this was my sex education in junior high. This is where my first bit of knowledge,  outside of my parents short talks with me, of my reproductive health came from.

He left us feeling that it was uncomfortable and wrong to talk about our sexual health. No one felt comfortable talking to him about more information. No one knew that there was more information out there.

My parents, as much as I love them, didn’t really offer me enough information for me to remember it. I know we had “the talk” but I don’t remember the details and the gist of it was wait til you are older to have sex and when you do, make sure you use protection. Mom was great about talking about my first period but the sex side of the talk was lacking. Of course it was approached awkwardly and I was a teenager and fed off of their awkwardness and still to this day will find it hard to talk about sex education without first having to push down the awkward feelings that comes with it.

I spent at least 10 years not knowing that my thyroid could affect my reproductive health. I didn’t know that my levels were as high as they were. I only learned in the past couple of months that its possible that my extremely high thyroid levels may have stopped my ovulation and I possibly haven’t ovulated since before I started dating my husband. The doctors truly don’t know how long I’ve gone without ovulating. I ovulated for the first time in possibly a decade, maybe more, last cycle. I always thought I ovulated because I got my period. I never knew that just because I bleed a couple of days every cycle, it doesn’t actually mean that I’m ovulating.

When I finally decided that something wasn’t right, I had to bring proof to my doctor. He ran the tests when I asked, but he was never forthcoming with me about any of this, even though he’s been my doctor since childhood. I had to research my options. I had to beg my own doctor to help my husband because my husbands doctor didn’t know how to send a referral. I was the one who found my clinic. I was the one who made contact. I was the one calling for results. I was the one doing the research and asking the questions. I was the one who took to the internet and googled infertility at a moment of pure panic and pain. I was the one who found the infertility blogging community and it was their help and resources that helped me get the education I so desperately lacked.

~~~

I’m out to family and friends about our infertility. I don’t hide our struggles despite how it makes some people around me feel uncomfortable. Despite people telling me that its all I talk about and that its not something I should be public about. I post information. I remind people to ask questions about their reproductive health and to seek second and third opinions when their doctor won’t help.

Then something happened.

People I knew. People I went to school with, that I worked with, family, friends of the family, people that were friends of friends started approaching me privately. Messages telling me that they thought they were the only ones. Messages telling me that I wasn’t alone. People telling me that they were scared and didn’t know what to do. People who silently dealt with this for years and never knew that there were options or that there were even fertility clinics and doctors who specialize in infertility in both men and women. I carry their secrets and check on them regularly, but they push me to talk.

I want women to be prepared. To have the knowledge. To know how their body works. To not be ashamed of their reproductive health and to have easy access to support, information and resources. I want them to be comfortable learning and talking about their bodies at a young age. I want teachers properly educated on teaching sex ed and be comfortable enough to approach it much the way other topics and subjects are approached. We should not be ashamed of our bodies. We should not be uncomfortable talking about our bodies and how they work. This isn’t something we should have to fight for.

Something needs to change. And I’m no longer scared or ashamed to step up and speak up. We need to be the change.

If you are a parent, talk to your kids about their reproductive health, but also teach them that there is nothing to be embarassed about. Don’t shame kids. Don’t think your job is done when you say “don’t have sex” or “put a condom on it”. Ask them what they know. Have open dialogue. Push for better sex ed in your child’s school. Remember, kids are curious and they will experiment no matter how much your tell them not to. So prepare them for that as much as you can.

They deserve that much. We all do.

The Best News I’ve Heard All Day

Posted on by
4

My clinic just called me with the results of my thyroid levels and for the first time since I really don’t know when, my levels are normal. I spent a year and a half with my clinic trying to regulate my thyroid and at least 7 dosage changes.

My TSH is resting nice and comfy at 1.2.

1.2

The best number.

This may also be the only time I’m happy with being “normal”.

It doesn’t seem like much, but our entire infertility journey and any hope of moving forward was waiting on my thyroid levels to return to normal again.

1.2

A number with so much hope.

1.2 doesn’t mean much to you, but to me it means moving forward…finally.

Sometimes, Hubby Gets It Right

Posted on by
1

So I had a bit of a break down tonight.

Nothing major, just your average everyone-has-a-kid-but-me-and-my-doctors-won’t-return-my-phone-call-with-my-blood-test-results-and-I’m-out-of-synthroid-and-I’ll-never-be-a-mom type of breakdown.

Coming home from an event today with my mother, she proceeded to tell me all about how much my father likes my brothers “it’s getting serious” girlfriend and her son. She likes to remind me over and over again how much my father is smitten with her son and how they get along so great and have so much fun together. Then mom goes on about planning their Christmas gifts in great detail and asking for my opinion on her ideas. She doesn’t even put this much thought into the rest of our Christmas gifts.

For some reason, this was my tipping point for the day. I went very quiet. So quiet that my mother noticed. So when she finally dragged it out of me that I was upset because I felt like no one cared and it seemed that it didn’t matter to them if I ever get to be a mom. My mother told me not to be so dramatic and told me that we could always adopt. Thanks mom. Thanks for making me feel even more like shit. Your husband lives away for work, maybe you should just divorce him because its not as easy as a relationship where you spouse comes home everyday after work. Same difference? Right? Then she has the nerve to say to me, “I’ve clearly said something to upset you but I don’t know what I said. I’m sorry. Please calm down.” But I’m sorry. I can’t. She told me that she really understands what I’m going through. (Sorry mom, you don’t have a clue.) And then I told her as much. You don’t get it because you never struggled to have me and Mike. You don’t know the emptiness. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your one dream realized by everyone around you while you are questioned by others because of the absence. Well meaning questions enquiring about my lack of children like its any of their fucking business, like there’s not years of dreams shattered and hope lost. You don’t know how to live with this life everyday when the only thing you ever wanted, even as a child, was to be a mom. You don’t know what it’s like to wait for phone calls from doctors and to never actually get the call. You’ve never begged or cried to a secretary out of sheer frustration and emotional burnout. You’ve never wondered where money for treatments was going to come from. You never had to consider living without your children, ever, for even one moment.

So I left in frustration and pain. I ignored her calling from the step. I ignored her calls and texts on my drive home and I called her back long enough to tell her I’m not fine and I may never be fine, especially if I have to live this much longer. Then I called my clinic. Because as much as that secretary rocks, she can’t give me my blood results. Only a doctor or nurse can. And she arranged to have someone call me on Thursday. They didn’t call. I called on Friday and she promised a call by end of day. She called me a half hour before end of day to tell me that the doctor left without calling me and that she arranged to have him come in on a Saturday just to call me with the results because my prescription ran out and I won’t refill it if they are gonna change my dosage anyway. Guess what? He didn’t fucking call, again. I called while upset (I know, bad idea), and left a voicemail clearly letting my wonderful secretary know that I wasn’t called again, I’m out of pills, refilled it at my own cost(all out of pocket) and that if my dosage changes, I’ll have to pay all of it out of pocket…again. She’s gonna be as pissed as I am and she’ll have it resolved within the first 10 minutes of her shift. Too bad the rest of the staff wasn’t as on the ball as she was.

So I went in the house and cried. Really cried. A long messy cry while my husband tried to figure out what was wrong. Once he realized what was wrong, he tried to fix it. When he couldn’t fix it, he did something right. He called my best and oldest friend, my friend who is also dealing with infertility. He put up the proverbial bat signal without my knowledge while I was in the bathroom.

I came out of the bathroom still crying and he hugged me. Then she was there behind me and when I turned around, she took over. She hugged me and cried with me and just held me. I didn’t have to explain it to her, she didn’t require it. No act, no being strong, just release. And then we talked in partial sentences. I’d start a thought and she finished it. I didn’t have to explain how I was feeling, just the details of what happened.

Then we started talking about other things. Then suddenly, we started laughing and it was the first real time I’ve laughed in a long time. I wasn’t better, but she helped me escape for a bit. It was wonderful. After her and her husband went home, I thanked my own husband. He did good.

I’m not better, I’m not back to normal, but it helped. I got to release a bit of the pressure so I could go on. All I want is to get through Monday, and now maybe, I might just be able to do that.

Hubby, you did good today.

Thanks.

When Can I Catch My Breath?

Posted on by
5

I miss my blog. I miss the feeling of release when I hit publish. I miss the writing. I miss the way it felt like a soothing balm when I published a post. I honestly never really cared if anyone read what I wrote, i don’t write for the attention. I know my writing is mediocre at best and I don’t have it in me to commit to a large readership and I’m ok with that. It’s never been about the success of this blog, at least not that type of success because I measure my success differently. This was always about me finding a release, doing it only for me, to find my happiness again. A place to process and document my thoughts. This blog is like a very public therapy session. Blogging gave me a purpose and helped me come to terms with our infertility. Everything else I consider extra. But now, as much as I love blogging, I can’t find the words anymore.

I guess you could say that I dropped off the blogging map. I don’t comment anymore despite the fact that I read my news feed whenever I can. I lost my push to post. I have at least 20 posts in my draft folder just sitting there. None are long enough to actually post or work into a decent post, many only have a few lines, the start of a thought. But they sit there, unpublished, reminding me that I’ve lost my ability to write again.

And the truth is, I see the difference. I’m a different person when I don’t write. Instead of releasing my thoughts and emotions here, I keep it in, not releasing it anywhere and then I feel this buildup of emotion and frustration and I snap at people. I then realize that I’m not writing and I’m not releasing any of it anymore. No wonder I’m snapping at people. A lot of the feelings that I felt during the early stages of our diagnosis are starting to resurface because I have no words to release the pressure building up inside. As much as I haven’t had the energy to write, I need to write. To survive any of this as unscathed as possible, I need this place, I need the words to come and I need to release.

It’s only after last night that I truly saw how bad it could soon become. When I got home from work, I picked a fight with my husband about him not planning anything for our anniversary that hasn’t happened yet. I fought with him over events that are yet to happen. Then he went to bed and I played on Pinterest where I jumped back and forth between sobbing and laughing at random pictures so often that I was giving my mind whiplash. I stayed up all night and just tried to grasp the fact that none of this is right or ok and I need to find some way to feel normal again.

I opened my wordpress app and looked at my drafts. They all felt incomplete and none of them really felt like I could finish them and they were all half thoughts with no direction. So I opened a new post and stared at the screen, hoping for the words to form and my fingers to move. But it never happened. The sun came up, I sent myself to bed and tried to get some sleep. When I woke up today, I just told myself to write anything, any feelings I had, just to put them to paper (er…tablet?) and get them out there and have faith that eventually the words would come again and the feeling of normalcy would slowly make its way back into my life.

Infertility has taken away all of my feelings of normalcy. It’s tarnished my views on everything. People will tell me to not let infertility live my life for me, but its hard when it invades every aspect of your life. And I try to live my life in the moment. To find happiness and enjoy what I have. Everyday. But infertility is always there, always present. Sometimes its all consuming, while other times its a tiny speck like a dot on the edge of your glasses. It doesn’t stop your sight, but its a slight irritation just on the very edge of your line of vision. And it’s the little things that hit me more so than the big things. I see an older woman with a young child as they pass me in the street, parents with twins, kids who clearly have a large age gap between them, or even sometimes a clearly loving couple with a dog and no children and that little speck suddenly pipes in and puts the thought in my head before I can stop it.

‘I wonder if they dealt with infertility too?’

‘I wonder if twins runs in the family or its because of treatment?’

‘Why don’t they have kids? Are they child free by choice or by lack of choice?’

The questions are there before I can process what I’m seeing, before I can stop the thoughts from going there. These things are the speck just on the outskirts of my line of vision, on the edge of my glasses. And if I didn’t have this diagnosis, I know that I wouldn’t even notice these people and I wouldn’t even question it.

I’m doing everything I can. I’m trying all the tricks and suggestions to feel normal again, or at least the type of normal I was before my life was rudely invaded by infertility, but I still feel like that’s a mountain that I may never conquer. I feel like there are all these mountains and each one is something I’m trying to conquer: feeling ‘normal’ again, resolving our infertility, husband, work, family, friends. Each one is its own mountain and I’m trying to climb them all at once. It’s exhausting, because when I take a break from really making progress on one, I’m playing catch up on all the other mountains. I want to reach a comfortable spot on each mountain, even a temporary plateau to rest and regain my strength, but each mountain has such a steep slope with no resting points so I can’t even catch my breath. I just wanna catch my breath. When can I catch my breath?

A Breakdown At Work

Posted on by
1

You know what guys and gals? I’ve been having a rough week.

It’s been a rough July and a rough start to August if I’m being truly honest, but it seemed to hit its brink the other night.

I’ve been quite proud of myself lately. I’ve been able to detach myself from our struggles with infertility. I’m in another six week wait while I wait for the time I can go through my blood work again to see if my thyroid has finally gotten its act together and went back to normal. So really there’s not much I can do.

I’ve transitioned out of my bitter, angry infertile stage over the past year. Four years of being constantly angry and bitter was apparently my breaking point and I’ve transitioned into a calmer but still frustrated infertile. I like to think about it by comparing it to waxing. Waxing for the first time is a bitch and you are red raw afterwards. But the more you do it, the more you build up a tolerance for it. I’ve developed a thick skin at this point. Not just with the waxing, but with infertility in general. I’ve let other things keep me busy. I have less bad days. I can handle reading about pregnancies and I can even congratulate people now. I’ve spent a lot of my summer so far doing couples things with another IF couple and its been great to have kid free stuff to do. But when I do have a bad IF day, its BAD. I guess thats the down side to this transition. I passed in all my slightly bad emotional days for a handful of really, really bad breakdown days. One of these days happened at the worst possible time. At work.

Generally work is fun (believe it or not). We have a great group of people who laugh and joke and get along wonderfully. We range in age and lifestyle. Some are moms and grand moms, the lone male in our room is so young he’s fresh out of university and we refer to him as “the puppy” or “Justin Beiber” even though he looks and acts nothing like the crazy Canadian pop star (yeah, as a Canadian, sorry about unleashing that on the world, we didn’t really have a say in it.) A couple of the woman, I’ve grown particularly close to and tomorrow is the last day of their casual cycle and they are off til the new year. Another girl, closer to me in age is staying in her spot while I’m moving over to the other building with the rest of the remaining team. When I say that we’ve gotten close, I mean that we added each other on Facebook, are on the lookout for things we mentioned to each other, and I’ve told them that we are dealing with infertility after they inquired why we don’t have kids yet and they haven’t treated me differently and in some cases, have asked about it.

But yesterday, as I was joking with some of my coworkers over something silly during lunch, I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed to pass he time and all I see is nothing but parents complaining about their children. Earlier that day and earlier this week, I listened to other staff in the building complaining about their children and for some reason, at that moment during lunch, it was like a tidal wave of pain hit me. I had no warning. Tears streaming down my face, trying not to sob or draw attention to myself, I couldn’t get up and go cry in the bathroom because there would be no way to hide my face and if my coworkers saw me in that state, they are the type of people to follow me, concerned, to make sure I was ok. I was embarrassed by the breakdown. I went from giddy and laughing to emotional mess with absolutely no warning. I felt the emotional toll this was having on me along with the financial toll as wave after wave of pain hit me. Ever since, I’ve been somber, depressed and completely scared of what may never happen. It’s been making work…difficult at best. My concentration is absolutely shot and I’m fighting to get through the work that is normally a breeze for me. My mind is suddenly entirely focused on one thing, our infertility.

It’s been 4 years and we are still doing basic testing. I don’t even know my treatment options yet. How much longer do I have to wait for those? Let alone treatment and the possibility of it actually working.

And now? My period is late. Like 15 days late when I know with absolute certainty that I’m not pregnant because 1. According to tests, I haven’t been ovulating for awhile despite getting my period in the past. 2. It’s been a long time since we last had sex. 3. I’ve been so stressed with everything that I’ve lost my sex drive. (If found please return to me directly, thanks.) 4. Did I mention that its been a long time since we last had sex? Cause I actually don’t remember when unless I check my iPeriod app.

I’m just tired of the pain, of all of this. I just want the only thing I ever dreamed of doing in my life: being a mom.

All Anyone Needs Is Respect & Support

Posted on by
Reply

All this week, I’ve been sharing information about infertility. It’s one of the few weeks out of the year where I’m actively using facebook as a way to get information out there. I normally use facebook in a very superficial way. I update my daily photo for project 365, I have a couple of ongoing chats with a handful of friends, I check in on our private group for the parents of our Brownies, I stop by my secret girls night group to check in with my girlfriends and laugh at some racy cartoons or photos that either my dad or some of the ladies from darts decided to share or share something funny on a friends wall. I just simply don’t have much use for facebook. Many of my friends will share pictures of me from stuff I do with them, I let them tag me in whatever they want because I never do anything racy enough to garner any negative feedback from anyone. And other than an occasional article on infertility that I share with the heading “for those that might be interested” knowing that I have a handful of friends on my feed struggling privately with infertility, I generally keep quite on facebook. I like to leave most of my ranting for other social media.

Prior to the start of NIAW, I shared a status update to let everyone know I was taking part in social media activities for NIAW and apologizing upfront for any news feed spamming through the week. While many in the past have shared their dislike in my posts or have come to me with questions wondering why I can’t simply be happy with all that I already have, I still ended up shocked (in a good way!) by the response I received. Many applauded me for sharing and expressed their eagerness to learn more. One person in particular, someone I went to high school with no less, was the most supportive. She was saddened by the fact that I felt the need to preface my participation. But she was also the one to understand more than anyone else. She has opted not to have her own children because she is a step-mom to her husband’s two children from a previous relationship. She shared with me her frustration at people questioning her decision to not have biological children. Her own frustrations helped her to have empathy and understanding for my own struggle, even if we were on opposite ends of the family building spectrum.

The reason that I’m sharing this information with you is because my response to her comment received a lot of positive comments and really gave me my direction for this week:

“If I learned anything over the last 4 years, it’s about respecting everyone’s decision on family building. It’s not for everyone and not everyone will fall into a perfect cookie cutter idea of a family. Some have step children they adore and don’t need to add to their family. Some want to adopt. Some choose to live child free. Some want to have many children. Some prefer to go the foster care route. Others need to pay for expensive treatments out of pocket for just a chance. Many of those people dealing with other conditions that are causing their infertility. And no matter what, every single one of those people and their choices need to be respected and supported.”

And that right there is the point of everything we are doing. Everyone’s family building choices need to be respected and supported. Whether you never wanted children in the first place, you are infertile and choosing your family building options or anyone else in between. All any of us want is to be treated as equals. That it be the same for everyone. That we have access to whatever resources we need to reach our goal. To have those options available to us regardless of how much money we have or don’t have. To have access to treatments without it costing an arm and a leg.

We just want to be treated with respect and want our choices to be respected and supported.

Such a simple request falling on deaf ears…

Spring Shed: Week 1

Posted on by
1

Hey everyone!

First my apologies to my fellow spring shedders for the late post. You ever have one of those weeks that you just wanna walk away and say, I give up? Well, this past weekend that was me. I had to house sit at my parents all weekend. The first night, we got a massive early spring snowstorm. Because my parents live on the outskirts of town, we get plowed later but they did every street in the area but moms and waited til after midnight the next day to clear it. While that was going on, I was suppose to have a get together for my husband at my parents but no one could get up the street. And while I was trying to get ready for the get together, just hoping we would be plowed in time, I get a call from my grandmother telling me that I may need to call an ambulance for poppy. Because she can’t hear me on the phone, I couldn’t get the information I need, my parents were on the other side of the country, my cousin was MIA and my uncle was away and didn’t bother to let the family know. I couldn’t get in touch with anyone, I’m in a full on panic cause I can’t check on them or track ANYONE, even a family friend, to go check on them and I can’t get the car down the road.

Needless to say, I called my mom in a complete breakdown, unsure what to do. I hated that my grandparents care was left in my hands because no one had the thought to plan ahead for everyone being away. Then Saturday, it was cookie day for girl guides. We picked up the 45 cases of cookies for our Brownie group. By the time I got home from that, I needed to run around for my mom and get a workout in. I was so overtired that I did not sleep (plus I find it so hard to sleep without my husband) and I was up til 7am before I finally got some shut eye. A few hours later, I was woken up by my aunt in Ontario calling asking me to go to my grandparents and call for an ambulance because poppy was having a lot of difficulty breathing. So I spent the rest of the day and well into the evening at the hospital with a grandmother who can’t hear and a grandfather who can’t breath. Then today, finally after a night of being home, I was left to take poppy to his doctors appointment. I really don’t mind helping out, but today is my husbands birthday and I had to reschedule stuff with him just to get poppy to his appointment. I sometimes wish there was more help with the grandparents. I do what I can but I’m only their grandchild. I have to ask my parents to keep me in the loop about their health yet I’m walking into doctors appointments where I have no answers for the doctors because no one tells me anything. I feel bad when all I can tell the doctor is, “I’m sorry, I don’t know. They don’t keep me up to date but I’m the only one available to help right now.Do you want me to call my mom or aunt?”

So yeah, that’s why my first post of the Spring Shed is late. I haven’t had the time or energy to post til now.

Spring-Shed-Logo-300x300

But let’s get back on track! This week, I’ll highlight my new goals, then compare them to my old goals and track this weeks progress. As always, if you are interested to follow along, please click on the Spring Shed picture either in this post or to the right of this post under “i’m a proud member of” and join this wonderful group of ladies. Like last time, the whole point of this exercise is to set realistic goals for ourselves, track our progress, provide support and encouragement for each other and mostly to help ourselves become accountable for our goals by publicly acknowledging them. The Winter Shed helped me through the winter months, and it was wonderful to check in and track my progress with the other women. Thanks in part to that, I’m down 30 pounds!

Living a healthier life in 2013 in preparation for “Future Baby B”.

I want to keep this goal the same. It’s well rounded and while its been wonderful so far, it still encompasses what I wish to accomplish. While there are many things I’m doing towards this goal, no one thing is more important than the other. My end goal was and is to live a healthier life. Since the new year, I’ve worked towards changing my diet. Smaller portions, less takeout, no pop, more well rounded meals and I plan to keep at this the same as I’ve done so far. I’m also working out. I joined a 24 hour gym and I’m enjoying the work outs. I also do other things to promote a healthier life. I still occasionally do yoga at home when I can’t get to the gym. And as the weather turns nice and the snow and ice melt and disappear, I plan to start going for walks outdoors with my friends. While I do aim to lose weight, I’m not putting too much effort, energy or goals into this because at some point I will plateau and I don’t want to get discouraged and as long as I keep at my lifestyle change, the weight will do its own thing on its own time. My end goal is still to work towards a healthier Kim.

This past week, I’ve missed a couple of days at the gym but when I do go, I make myself make time for it and I stay longer at the workout when I know that I may miss one. This weekend was a bit of a cheat weekend with Chris’s birthday and me at my mom’s. But today I’m back to my regular eating and I plan to get back to the gym tonight. I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks that my legs are stronger, I’m lasting longer on my workouts before exhaustion hits and the aches and pains that were always there after a work out are not as bad. Last night when I got into bed, I felt the muscles in my legs tightening but in a good way. I have more energy after my workouts and I’m still adjusting to the gradual loss of sugar and salt coming out of my system since I started to cut down. I find greasy food leaves me feeling gross and like I have a dead weight in my stomach which is helping me keep away from it. My portion control has also dropped. Still resting at 30 pounds lost but people are really starting to notice the weight loss now and it makes me feel good.

To make progress towards resolving our infertility.

This one I plan to keep the same as well. This will be a work in progress until we have a child in our arms to call our own. This goal is forever changing so to set a goal to constantly make progress towards it is as fair as I can make it. I will always be waiting for a report, blood work, test results or for medication to do its thing. But my goal is more so to stay on top of it. To be vigilant with follow ups. The only thing I would add to this goal would be to be more proactive in the community side of it. Get back into commenting and my daily interactions with the infertility community. To get back into ICLW. And to work towards communicating within my own local community of infertility friends. I tried to set up a support group but got no response. I don’t think we are ready for that yet here in Cape Breton. At least not at the level I want it to be. So for now, I want to be a safe space for people to talk to if they have no one else to talk to about their infertility. I’ll talk and share info 1 on 1 until I see the need for more.

This week, I helped a friend who just got a bad diagnosis from her first appointment with her infertility clinic. She hasn’t told anyone but me and she just really needs someone to get her through the down parts of a bad diagnosis. We talk regularly on facebook message and we are planning on having a lunch/tea date just the two of us. I don’t have all the answers, but I can be a good friend and listen. A couple of other friends came out to me about their struggles and I’m doing my best to be a supportive and helpful friend, sharing what I know and I hope that its helping them.

Otherwise, my HSG was last week and my uterus has been declared “clear and perfect” by my gyno! My blood work is showing that I didn’t ovulate the past two cycles but (potential TMI warning) the past couple of days, I’ve noticed that my CM (cervical mucus) is moving towards the desperately wanted EW stage. I haven’t had this in a while so it may be a step towards ovulation getting back on track. I’m gonna purchase a OPK when I’m out later with my husband and see what I get. If I am in fact ovulating, it may also be a sign that my thyroid may be getting back on track. I got my slip to check my thyroid levels from my fertility clinic and I will be going for that blood work next week. So fingers crossed for good results because once those levels are normal, I can re-do my cycle testing again.

To work towards making our house a home.

I want to keep this one much the same. But my goals within this goal are changing a bit. Right now, my goals are to move towards getting the two spare rooms set up and keep my house in a functioning order. Staying on top of the chores. Once we are full into spring, I’d love to paint but it won’t be a priority. I just want to be able to have a clean house so that if anyone drops by for a surprise visit, I can be proud of how the house looks instead of apologizing for the mess. So that’s my end goal. I will also track any projects on the house as I complete them whether it be a pinterest project success or hitting any hurdles with decorating/reorganizing. But the big thing is, I won’t be hard on myself if I don’t hit the extras. This feels more realistic for whats going on in my life right now.

Since I haven’t been home much lately, I’ve only been able to do things like load and empty the dishwasher. But I wasn’t home much. Now that I’m back home, I plan to give the house a good once over in the cleaning department and then when I have the time, to move towards other stuff in the house. I want to make a dog bed for Mia, but time, money and resources will determine that for me.

To make more time for myself.

While this one was originally to read more, I’m going to make a change to it. I love reading and crafting equally and I’ve had to little time for both lately. My goal this time around is to simply make more time for me on a mental level. I’m a member of a woman’s dart league on Monday’s and I’m a Brownie leader, but otherwise, I find I don’t take time to give myself a mental break. So I want to put the iPad down a bit more and take more time to read, craft and do things that will help me relax.

This week proved difficult because my time really wasn’t my own but today and yesterday I was already able to commit a bit of time towards reading and crafting.

I hope that everyone is doing well! I’ll be back later this week with a regular post.

xoxo

Kim

Help!

Posted on by
3

Finally got a call back from AART with my blood work results. The lab techs there seem to talk to you like you are also a lab tech so now I have to break down what they told me and that’s where I’m leaving it in your capable hands to help me break it down before I go all Dr. Google, Medicine Woman on it.

Blood work for last cycle. January 3rd, 22nd and 24th.

FSH level is 11.
Thyroid was still showing as high. This was the only thing I was told on the initial phone call just prior to my CD21. They upped my thyroid medication at that point with a plan to retest my thyroid levels in 6 weeks.
There was no sign of progesterone in my system during CD21 to CD23 so I didn’t ovulate at that time.
Despite that, I still started my period on time. 4 day normal period for my cycles.

Anybody wanna weigh in on this and break it down for me?

Winter Shed Blog Hop: Week One

Posted on by
1

Well the first week of the Winter Shed Blog Hop is here, which means that I can recap on what’s changed in the past week. Head over to my introductory post if you want to read up on the blog hop and my goals. And you can always check out Kathy’s original post on the blog hop over at Bereaved and Blessed. Here’s her Week One post if you want to check in!

To recap, I’ve highlighted my original goals and below each goal, I’ve noted my progress on each this week.

Living a healthier life in 2013 in preparation for “Future Baby B”.

I went shopping this week and when I tried on pants I found out that I’m down a pant size! This made me very happy. The change is great and I think this came from the changes I made in the weeks leading up to the move, what I put my body through during unpacking (its better than any workout out there), keeping my portions down over the holiday and cutting down on holiday “snacks” intake (I was fairly well behaved this Christmas). This week, I started using My Fitness Pal, gave my honest starting weight and I’ve been tracking my food intake as well as my workouts. My calorie intake as well as my sugar, carb, fat and sodium intake are below my daily goal (a good thing!). I also went forward and pre-made breakfast sandwiches and they are ready to be nuked in the microwave each morning until I can get into the habit of eating breakfast every morning. Little steps but all in the right direction.

Next step, I plan on getting a gym membership for the winter months and starting a regular workout routine a couple of days a week. My friend is going to reactivate her membership and hopefully a day or two a week we can work out together and push each other out the door when we just aren’t feeling it.

To make progress towards resolving our infertility.

CD1 blood work is done and I’m waiting for CD21 and CD23 to get here for my next two rounds of blood work. Then I wait for the results from the clinic. Next CD1 I call Dr. D and set up my dye test. Also, I put away my first $40 towards treatment. It’s not much, but I put any extra money I have away to go towards treatment. Every time I have a couple of bucks, it goes in the fund hidden from the world. I stopped going to Tim Horton’s for tea (oh Tassimo, how I love you to the ends of the earth), so that extra two bucks everyday goes to the fund as well. If I put it away and don’t think about it, before we know it, we will have all the funds necessary for our first round of treatment. I’ve also found the best way to take my pre-natal vitamins and folic acid without getting completely sick each time thanks to some helpful suggestions of some friends. I take it at bedtime with my synthroid and by the time I wake up, I’ve slept through the worst of it and I’m feeling good and ready for breakfast. I seem to be sleeping later than normal but I don’t know if its laziness or me needing to sleep later in the day to sleep off more of the gross feelings. Maybe a bit of column A and B? But I’m gonna push to get myself to bed a bit earlier and hope to start getting into a better sleep pattern.

Next week, I want to get at least $60 put away. Then I can say that our first hundred dollars is saved for treatment. I want to keep at this pace. If I do, the money will build fast. Also, I need to call my fertility clinic for my blood work results, have those results forwarded to my gyno and continue to track my cycles. Also to stay on top of my pre-natal vitamins, folic acid and my synthroid.

To stop making people a priority in my life when I’m not even an option in theirs.

I emailed a friend to explain why I was so upset about a situation that happened. I was honest, to the point and left it in her hands to make contact with me. That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard from her since so it really is in her hands now. I won’t be heartbroken and wait on her every move, I won’t play the pity me card, I won’t let it depress me and consume my every thought like things have in the past. If our friendship matters or ever mattered, she will respond in one way or another, if not, the friendship wasn’t what I thought and I make peace with that. I’m going to enjoy the friendships I have. Otherwise, everything else is going well.

I’m talking regularly with my friends and hanging out with those that are free, my social life is picking up again and when people want to get together, I find myself looking forward to it. Darts is back and that’s keeping me busy on Monday’s, Brownies is back and that’s keeping me busy on Thursday’s, and a couple of times over the past two weeks, my friends have initiated a get together with me and Chris without any push from me. Which is nice for a change. I’m not saying that no one ever initiates anything with me but it does feel much more even lately because part of it is also me learning that every time I ask someone to do something, I’m not pestering them. I sometimes feel that way through no fault of anyone else and I need to work on that. I like the feeling though, of progress.

To work towards making our house a home.

We started working on the basement. Each day we throw out a bit more. When the basement is cleared we will finally be getting our puppy. Today, my plan is to finally put away all our clothes. I miss having a clean bedroom and I finally feel like doing it.

Up next: Go through the cupboard in the kitchen that has all the cookbooks that mom left, figure out who owns what and finally have use of the last unclaimed cupboard in the kitchen. Also, I want to get started with unpacking my craft room, getting it somewhat organized and maybe even move in the chair and foot rest from the garage. There is also a cabinet in my craft room that is filled with books from my childhood. I want to go through them, organize them then pack and store them away in the spare bedroom til we have children to share them with. Here’s hoping.

To expand my reading collection.

Didn’t get very far with this. Still reading Lord of the Rings. Only another chapter or two since last week. But to be fair, Chris and I spent most of the week re-watching older seasons of Bones. I’ll get back into reading when we are up to date on the show (we just started season 6 and we are averaging about 8 episodes a day right now). Plus I always read a bit at night before I fall asleep.

Up next: Finish Lord of the Rings, move onto The Two Towers and then finish off the series with Return of the King. After that, The Hobbit, Angela’s Ashes, finally finish reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, then move forward with some of the classic authors and stories.

That’s about it for my updates this week. It’s been a positive week of change and knowing that I was going to be honest and share my progress with everyone, to be held accountable for my goals, was a great push. It stopped me when I wanted to be lazy and order takeout instead of making a healthy meal, it made me second guess buying a donut at Tim Horton’s when I stopped for a sandwich for my husband. I look forward to the upcoming weeks and making progress with everyone!

Love to you all!
Kim

Winter Shed Blog Hop!

Posted on by
4
Image

Winter Shed- Are You Joining?

I’m proudly joining up with Bereaved and Blessed and many others in a blog hop. The theme for this blog hop is to be accountable in a public way (by blogging) to keep our “resolutions” or “goals” for the new year in place. Once a week, on Fridays, we are going to share our progress.

Since I’ve decided to make changes in my life at the start of this year, I thought this was the perfect way to keep on top of it, to make myself accountable for what I do or don’t do. So I hope you follow along or join us if you want to. Click on that nifty little picture to the left of these words. (Go ahead, I’ll wait for you.)

Alright, everyone back? Good, lets get started.

Living a healthier life in 2013 in preparation for “Future Baby B”.

I could say that I wanted to lose weight, or eating healthy, or even that I want to work out more. But honestly, I want more than that. I made a pact with my IRL IF friend (in real life infertility friend, for those who hate shorthand) that we both want to be healthier. We know that doctors told us that our weight is not hindering either of our trying to conceive, but we were told that its not going to make it any easier either. So now that we are living in the same town again, we are making that movement and choice together. We want to live a healthier lifestyle. We are going to support each other through it, work out together, her sister will  join us after she has her baby later this month and we are all going to work together to change our lifestyles into something more healthy. 3 healthy meals a day, stop all takeout, pop, walk and work out as a group, get proper sleep. I’ve proudly went from 50% of our meals being takeout over the past couple of months to about 5-10% now since we moved. I control the shopping so I’ve stopped buying and keeping sweets in the house and try to keep pop and unhealthy juices in the house. This goal is more about changing and keeping a healthy lifestyle over losing weight. Because if I change my lifestyle the weight will gradually come off on its own. I don’t want to be stick thin, I want to be healthy. Regardless of the weight I am.

To make progress towards resolving our infertility.

I want to be a mom. I want to move forward and prepare ourselves for treatment. I want to be ready physically, emotionally and financially for treatments when its time. I want to be able to start setting aside money for our treatments. I want to complete all the tests on our doctors check list. If we can’t start treatment in 2013, I want to be ready to start treatments by the start of 2014. I will push forward and fight to get to that point.

To stop making people a priority in my life when I’m not even an option in theirs.

Self explanatory. This year is about me putting priority on those that are important in my life. Those that are there for me and respect me. I’m not out to please people but to have healthy relationships with those in my life. I may lose some people, I may have to make changes with some friendships (and I will work on it as long as the others are willing to as well), and I may make some friendships even stronger than they were. I need an equal give and take with my friends and trust that the give and take is equal. I need this for my own peace of mind. I’m not out to make enemies, quite the opposite. I want my friendships to be strong and if they are not, I think I have address why I have said friendships.

To work towards making our house a home. 

I want to be proud of our new house. I want to finish unpacking. I want to work on projects for the house that I’ve been planning for years. I want to paint, set up the spare room, set up my craft room, rip up that ugly pink carpeting and put down new flooring. I want this house to feel like ours and not like the house I grew up in.

To expand my reading collection.

I realize that as much as I love to read, I have a clear gap in my finished collection that lacks some of the classics. I never did finish The Lord of the Rings. I never read The Hobbit, A Christmas Carol, Little Women or a wide array of classic literature that I should’ve read as a child/young adult. I want to fix that. With my husband pushing me, I started The Lord of the Rings again and I will keep going as I read books that I wish I’d taken the time to enjoy.

There you have it. My goals for the year. I think they are healthy and acceptable goals that can be worked on all year and while there are no hard deadlines, they are goals that will lead to a more positive and healthy life. The phrase that best describes my wishes for 2013 is moving forward. I will take part in weekly updates through the blog hop and share my updates, to be accountable for my goals and to always have that reminder when I want to give up. I hope that you will join us on this journey!